Round Trip and One Way
June 21st, 2008Our oldest son graduated from high school a couple of days ago. He will be attending college this fall in another state. My assistant, who made the flight arrangements for our upcoming trip to get him settled there in a couple of months, told me: “I bought round trip tickets for you and your wife, and a one way ticket for your son.”
That statement brought it all home for me. He is moving on, and, except for some summers and holidays, won’t be back. He is making the shift into his new life, goals, dreams and independence. He is launching.
Whether or not you are a parent, a large part of your life involves the reality of people leaving you. There are the leavings of normal life. Kids grow up. Friends move away. Colleagues change jobs. And then there are the more painful leavings come from alienation. Divorce. A dating relationship ends. Friends and family members distance from each other. You can’t avoid the reality of people choosing to end something, whether or not you desire that. It does happen, and it will continue to happen. There are certainly those times in which it doesn’t come to pass: friends move back, or lovers reconcile. But you need the skills to be able to navigate, deal with and even grow from leavings. Here are some thoughts to help you do that:
Support the freedom of others.People need to be free to stay or go, either in love or career. Without their own independence and autonomy, they will forever be in conflict or bound in guilt. You don’t want someone to stay with you because they feel guilty, obligated or sorry for you. You want them to stay because, with all their heart, they want you, and they want the relationship. A kid leaving for college needs to hear, “We’ll miss you, but go conquer the world.” He doesn’t need to hear, “Aren’t you being a little selfish to be so far away?”
Missing someone is a good sign.If you feel sadness about a person’s leaving you, that is not something to avoid, it is something to appreciate. It means that that individual mattered to you. They filled up some part of you. They got inside. It means that you can connect, and that you are alive. If you’ve never missed anyone, it means that something is wrong inside. There is some sort of attachment or trust issue. When you love someone fully, you miss them when they leave. Experience the sadness and don’t run from it.
Replace what needs to be replaced.When people leave you, they also leave a role, or function in your life. Perhaps they brought you unconditional love and grace. Honesty and truth. Stimulation to grow and change. Warmth. A sense of community. Become intentional and seek out that role with others who have those capacities. This isn’t being disloyal to the person who left. You will always have the memories, and the difference he or she made inside you. But don’t go into hibernation, wishing and hoping they will come back and again provide you with what you lost. There are lots of special individuals who have a lot to offer you.
Stay in touch.If the leaving is a healthy and normal one, be the initiator. Be the one who calls, emails and plans visits. One of the greatest things in life is to have friends over the decades who, though they are apart, still share life experiences and perspectives. A real friend transcends jobs, relationships, geography and time. It only takes a few of these, but they can make all the difference in life.
When that person in your life has a one-way ticket away from you, it’s a time for some grief. But it’s also a time for joy and change.
July 1st, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Great post! I’m so glad you started blogging!
As a single mom of 2 boys and my oldest just graduating and heading off to college in another state this fall this hit home! As the song says….the best thing we can give them is roots and wings.
Have a blessed week.
July 18th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Wishing you joy in change, John.
I started listening to you, attending seminars, and reading your books, in the early nineties.
I guess your son was just a baby. Wow - time flies!
Ann
July 26th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Happy to see that he is growing up and going off to college.
This is a much happier trip than my trip with two round trip tickets and one one-way ticket.
This trip was with my mother for my father’s burial.
Blessing to you and your children.
July 30th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
My oldest son left for college August ‘06. 600 miles away. Tears flowed as we began the drive home. My second son, three years his younger, was sitting in the back seat, patiently waiting for me to take a breath between what had become sobs. “Mom” he said to get my attention, and he then handed me a chocolate bar. Laughing and crying at the same time as two thoughts ran through my head, “I care for you mom, and I am still here” The two best gifts my son received from his parents when he left for school were 1. Prayer 2. AAA card. The prayer needs no explanation. The AAA card came in handy when he called me in a fret, “I am stuck in a snow bank!” Priceless.