That statement brought it all home for me. He is moving on, and, except for some summers and holidays, won’t be back. He is making the shift into his new life, goals, dreams and independence. He is launching.

Whether or not you are a parent, a large part of your life involves the reality of people leaving you. There are the leavings of normal life. Kids grow up. Friends move away. Colleagues change jobs. And then there are the more painful leavings come from alienation. Divorce. A dating relationship ends. Friends and family members distance from each other. You can’t avoid the reality of people choosing to end something, whether or not you desire that. It does happen, and it will continue to happen. There are certainly those times in which it doesn’t come to pass: friends move back, or lovers reconcile. But you need the skills to be able to navigate, deal with and even grow from leavings. Here are some thoughts to help you do that:

Support the freedom of others.People need to be free to stay or go, either in love or career. Without their own independence and autonomy, they will forever be in conflict or bound in guilt. You don’t want someone to stay with you because they feel guilty, obligated or sorry for you. You want them to stay because, with all their heart, they want you, and they want the relationship. A kid leaving for college needs to hear, “We’ll miss you, but go conquer the world.” He doesn’t need to hear, “Aren’t you being a little selfish to be so far away?”

Missing someone is a good sign.If you feel sadness about a person’s leaving you, that is not something to avoid, it is something to appreciate. It means that that individual mattered to you. They filled up some part of you. They got inside. It means that you can connect, and that you are alive. If you’ve never missed anyone, it means that something is wrong inside. There is some sort of attachment or trust issue. When you love someone fully, you miss them when they leave. Experience the sadness and don’t run from it.

Replace what needs to be replaced.When people leave you, they also leave a role, or function in your life. Perhaps they brought you unconditional love and grace. Honesty and truth. Stimulation to grow and change. Warmth. A sense of community. Become intentional and seek out that role with others who have those capacities. This isn’t being disloyal to the person who left. You will always have the memories, and the difference he or she made inside you. But don’t go into hibernation, wishing and hoping they will come back and again provide you with what you lost. There are lots of special individuals who have a lot to offer you.

Stay in touch.If the leaving is a healthy and normal one, be the initiator. Be the one who calls, emails and plans visits. One of the greatest things in life is to have friends over the decades who, though they are apart, still share life experiences and perspectives. A real friend transcends jobs, relationships, geography and time. It only takes a few of these, but they can make all the difference in life.

When that person in your life has a one-way ticket away from you, it’s a time for some grief. But it’s also a time for joy and change.

Your attitude toward all of life is impacted by money. Finances certainly aren’t everything, but they are important. It is easy to become overanxious, discouraged or confused in a downturn, which is not a good thing. You need all your capabilities to be working especially well in a time like this. So how can you have the right attitude during economically tough times? Here are some suggestions:\

Let someone in. That is, you need to have a few safe people you bring into your confidence about your financial situation. Don’t be alone with what you are dealing with. The more you try to gut it out by yourself, often the stronger the fears, obsessions and even decision paralysis can take hold. Isolation increase our cognitive distortions, often toward the negative.

Not just facts, but feelings.With these safe people, get beyond the financial realities, problems and threats, and talk about your emotions: what you are afraid of, near term or long term. It’s often the feelings that need to be helped, so that you can gain help and support. Don’t leave them out, even if it is uncomfortable.

Get encouragement and reality.You need something from these people. There needs to be a personal transaction, of two kinds. First, there is the encouragement that they are for you, on your team, and understand your concerns. Second, they can give you reality and perspective. Many times, when I have had a financial problem that worried me, I have sought out trusted friends who helped me see that a problem isn’t always a catastrophe. The catastrophic thinking is what can paralyze your abilities to tackle the issue.

Remember that you have choices.You always have some sort of choice. You may not be able to turn an economy or an industry around, but you have some freedoms. They can help. On top of that, exercising choices in and of itself increases problem-solving abiities and generates more of a can-do attitude. Movement helps.

Make a plan.Structure, goals and plans work, especially with your money issues. It doesn’t have to be complex. But a plan is better than no plan. You may want to cut spending, find ways to make more money at your job, or look for additional opportunities. Whatever it is, a bad plan is better than no plan. Track it over time, fine tune it, improve it. But put something down on a piece of paper, no matter how basic it seems.

Put money in its proper role.A friend of mine, who is a very successful businessman, recently had a major downturn and lost a great deal of money. I asked him how he was doing. He said, “I couldn’t control a lot of what happened. And so I had to begin realizing that there are a lot of things more important than money, and to get involved in them.” He was referring to his marriage, family, primary relationships, his church involvements and his hobbies. The entire experience was transformational for him.

You don’t have to be swept away by tough times. Good people have had good lives during downturns for centuries. You can be one of them.

Usually, we tend to focus on either the winner or the loser of a contest, to see what life lessons can be learned. But in this case, there is inspiration from both directions. Here are some thoughts:

-Perseverance pays off. Mediate was the 158th ranked player in the world. He came from being almost an unknown. Not only that, he is 45 years old, and was one putt away from being the oldest U.S. Open champion in history. It would have been easy for him to find something else to do with his time and talents, but he is an example of how sticking to something, doing it the hard way, and perseverance can cause magic. As a psychologist, I see this all the time in people. Those who have incredible personal miracles happen, often have a track record of staying with something, making incremental changes, and doing growth a bit at a time. The magic has a lot of work behind it, that no one will ever know about.

Pain is normal and expected. Tiger, two months after surgery on his left knee, was seen grimacing often and even seemed to use his club as a supportive cane. People speculated on how bad things would get for him, as a golfer uses his knee in such critical ways. In the end, however, Tiger continued through the pain and won. Pain is one of the obstacles to success that we all must persevere through (others being things like life crises, isolation, a need for instant gratification, boredom, and a lack of good boundaries). But the winners don’t avoid pain, they know it is normal. It is one of the pricetags for reaching goals. In fact, if you aren’t experiencing some sort of pain in your journey, it may be a sign of a problem.

Winners and losers can get along. The news reports are full of quotes from both Mediate and Woods about the strengths and competitiveness of their opponent. My favorite was from Tiger, that he is looking forward to 5 years from now when Mediate will no longer be on the same tour! Intense competition, but, in the end, no bad sportsmanship. That is how people who succeed in love, life and growth make it.

Best wishes in your own goals and dreams!

Now that the presidential race has come down to two finalists, it’s time to make sure of who you are voting for, and how to do it. As in any US presidential campaign, a lot is at stake. At the same time, there is so much data coming down the pike that it’s easy to get information fatigue. Here are a few pointers for sifting through all the info, and deciding on the who and the why come November:

First, be clear about your own values. What is important to you, in terms of the economy, foreign policy, social issues, energy, terrorism, health care and the like? Determine what you believe in your head, and what matters to you, deep down in your heart. Otherwise, it can be difficult to get through the rhetoric, and you tend to simply end up reacting to what you hear. Be in control of knowing what your values are.

Next, be clear about the ordering and priority of your values. It’s highly unlikely you’ll agree with any candidate on every point. Determine what is most important, and what is least important. I disagree with people who say they will sit out the election because they don’t like anyone. That is a passive stance, and it isn’t helpful. What will you give in on, so that you can experience what is most important? What negatives can you live with? We’ll all have to live with some negatives, but it’s the ones we choose that count.

Bring your thoughts into relationships. I go to lots of business meetings and parties, and certainly we all discuss the race. But I really don’t learn a lot from these gathering, they are just sidebar conversations. Be intentional and talk to the safe and sane people in your life that you value, and who matter to you. People you are in growth with, or have a tight connection with. A focussed discussion that you set aside a few minutes for can be very helpful.

Be willing to look at new information. We are learning tons every day about McCain and Obama, including their philosophies, solutions, character and histories. Pay attention to what you are seeing and reading, and keep digging. Your values shouldn’t change, but your information base is.

Pray for wisdom and insight. We don’t know all the answers, but God does. We need His clarity and guidance, as the One who knows best and will help all os us: …for there is no authority except that which God has established… (Rom. 13:1).”

Take care,

John