Dr. John Townsend

Month: March 2018

  • Challenging Self-Judgment

    Challenging Self-Judgment

    Self-judgment is an attack on the self by the self.

    Or, rather, it’s an attack on you by you.

    I know I’m sounding kind of weird or clinical here, but that’s the definition.

    We all have a judge inside and he or she is not necessarily a bad person. That judge is able to evaluate and monitor your actions. For example, when leaving a party, you think to yourself, “How was I? Was I too loud? Was I kind? Was I interested? Did I make it about me?” That’s good judgment. That’s a valuation judgment so you act like a nice person and have great relationships.

    The judge in our head is supposed to be two things-it’s supposed to be accurate and warm. It’s not supposed to beat you up.

    We often get caught in the trap of just trying to ignore it. That’s about as effective as saying try not to think about a purple elephant right now.

    Conversely, one healthy way to deal with self-judgment is to figure out where it’s coming from. Did it come from an authority figure, a parent, a coach, a teacher, a spiritual director? Where did that come from? That helps you to identify that this isn’t just you. It came from people that maybe had a lot of influence in my life. 

    Check out my recent blog on safe people to learn more about how external forces can shape your inner dialogue.

     

  • Who Are “Safe People?”

    Who Are “Safe People?”

    Simply put, a safe person is someone who influences you to be the person you were designed to be. It’s just that simple. It’s a person in your life who influences you. They encourage you.

    Safe people are the engine that helps influence and structure the person you were designed to BE. Not the person you are NOW. I hope I’m safe for some people and I’ve got safe people around me.

    Let me give you just a brief list of the nutrients that people provide for us. They accept us. They don’t judge us. They know, even with our flaws and our failings and our fears, that they’re okay with us and we’re okay with them. Safe people give us the truth. Sometimes they give us hard feedback. Safe people give us the tough talk we need sometimes.

    On the other hand, the wrong kinds of people can really help you make the worst decisions.

    When you meet certain people, do you feel like you need a nap afterward? I want my people in my life after I’ve been around them, to feel energized like, “Okay, I’m a better person. They have influenced me and I’ve influenced them to be the person we were designed to be.”

    When you’re around people that bring you down, you don’t feel like yourself anymore or like you’ve fallen backward. You want to always be moving forward.

    Here’s the problem: sometimes we don’t know how to pick. Sometimes, we pick the wrong people. Some of us have a little neon sign on our forehead that says, “Hi, 1-800-use-me.” We don’t pick people. Instead, people pick us because we’re useful, helpful, loving, and all that.

    I want to help you change that.

     

  • Grace and Truth

    Grace and Truth

    Grace and truth are vital parts of your spiritual and personal growth.

    First, let’s talk about grace. Grace is that the other person is for us. They’re on our side. That “for” could be a lot of things. It can be acceptance, support, good listening, or it could be encouragement.

    Truth is information. It’s facts. It’s data. It’s reality. Truth comes from so many sources. Truth comes from the Bible. Something good or something you need to change.

    Think about how these work for a second. See, grace really means something when someone goes into the negative aspects of who you are. The judged aspects, the embarrassing aspects, the shameful aspects. When you feel grace from that, you really understand grace.

    In relationships, grace and truth are essential nutrients for growth. It takes a lot for a person to grow emotionally and relationally. It’s just like all the nutrients we need to take in through food and supplements.

    We talk about protein, carbs, fat, vitamins and minerals. Just like our body needs those categories to take in and eat, you have to have grace and truth for the rest of your life to grow.

    One of the ways to understand the relationship between the two is that truth is sort of like a protective framework or a skeleton. Grace is the heart of who you are, while truth is the strong framework that keeps it from being hurt or damaged. Truth protects us.

    Grace without truth is a lot more fun, but grace without truth really leads to license and chaos. You got to have both.

    The relationship between grace and truth is very important. Make sure, when you’ve got truth to tell someone, that you express it within a context of grace, “I’m for you,” and listening to them so they understand and feel. Convey that you’re for them in your body language, the words you use, empathy, and your eye contact. When you express it to them in a way they can understand it, you’ll get a lot more change, openness, and positive feelings back from them because you had grace.