Archives for June 2018

3 Ways to Keep Anxiety From Taking Control of Your Life

June 26, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Everyone feels anxious every now and again. Anxiety is just a fact of life and a perfectly normal emotion. Unfortunately, though, certain life events can lead us to feel a little more than just normal anxiety. These events might include your children getting married and starting families, the death of a loved one, job loss or transition.

All of these life events can cause an overwhelming sense of dread, which is not a healthy way to go through life.

What Does Anxiety Feel Like?

Anxiety, as an emotion, can stem from anything that is stressful or disconcerting. These days, some people experience this emotion simply by watching the news for a few minutes!

So, what happens when you experience anxiety physically?

First, you enter a heightened state of consciousness. You’re more alert.
Second, you feel some kind of fear about the future or the situation. There’s a dread, like something bad is coming.
Third, you have a fear and must be ready for action. That’s where the body gets involved. Your heart beats faster and you’re breathing faster because you’re preparing to get out of danger. Think of it like the “fight or flight” methodology.

Before I talk about the right way to approach feelings of anxiety, I want to first tell you about a few wrong ways approaches to anxiety.

Don’t ignore your anxiety! Despite what you may think, “I gotta just push through” mentality is not healthy. It’s a really bad idea to ignore your anxiety because the emotion is trying to tell you something. Ignoring anxiety can potentially lead to bad decisions, poor choices, and even health problems.

Similarly, stop shaming yourself about anxiety. Don’t make yourself feel bad for experiencing this very normal emotion. Don’t shame yourself and say, “I shouldn’t be feeling like this, I’m being a wimp, I’m being a kid.” No more shaming! Your anxiety is a valid emotion!

3 Healthy Ways to Overcome Anxiety

So far, we’ve agreed to stop ignoring and shaming our anxiety. Now, let me share some healthy ways to deal with anxiety.

Be in a relationship. This can be any relationship with someone who knows you deal with anxiety. Find three or four friends who you can reach out to and say, “From time to time, I deal with anxiety and I need to know I can call you and just say, ‘Can we talk, can you kind of get me off the ledge?'” This must be a relationship where you can comfortably express your feelings. Part of this relationship will require them to give you advice or guidance like, “Why don’t you go jog or go pray?” or something like that. Whatever they suggest should help get your emotions out of the cycle of anxiety by suggesting other activities.
Give yourself a pep talk. I am a huge advocate of taking a moment and reciting the Serenity Prayer to yourself. Say to yourself, “God help me to know the difference between the things I can change, and can’t change, and wisdom to know the difference.” This may seem like a small thing, but it can help change your mindset and start moving forward out of your anxious emotion.
See a therapist. If your anxiety reaches a point where it becomes unmanageable, including impacting your work or home life, it’s time to seek professional help. They can help you sort through what’s going on and what’s driving your anxiety. You can also consider seeing a psychiatrist for medication.

Hard times and anxiety come and go. When you start to feel those anxious emotions, it’s very important to take steps to overcome anxiety before it gets the best of you and disrupts your life in a way that can’t be fixed. I believe you have the faith, hope, and love to overcome anxiety and any other challenge you’re facing.

4 Principles for Choosing the Right People

June 25, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

There is something vital we must understand about the people we have relationships with: much of our pain in life is caused by the people we choose.

Consider these questions:

Are you experiencing the same problems or feelings that you’ve experienced in previous relationships?
Do you find that you continually pick people to fall in love with or become close friends with who hurt you in some way?
Do you find yourself wondering if there are any “good ones” out there?
Do you often go through periods of emotional turmoil as a result of choosing someone who wasn’t good for you?
Is “How did I get myself into this?” a frequent question you ask yourself?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of those questions, you are not alone! A lot of people can relate to these feelings!

Their personal and professional relationships often are lacking in some way, leaving them to wonder why they end up in the situations they do. They wonder what they are doing wrong, why they “deserve” to be treated in such a way, and if it can ever be any different. Sound like anyone you know?

What Makes a Good Choice?

The truth is that poor relational choices are self-inflicted, but can be changed with a little work.

Most people find themselves in one rotten relationship after another, and don’t stop to analyze why they make these choices. They just assume they are unlucky and forget considering there may be a better way to make choices in relationships.

Before we talk about choosing the right people, though, let’s look at hurtful selections people make.

What makes a poor choice? In a word—character.

The quality of someone’s makeup determines whether or not they’ll be good (or in some cases bad) in a relationship. We are attracted to someone’s outsides: their looks, status, intelligence, and personal and professional achievements. However, we experience their insides: their character. The character makeup of a person determines what they’ll be like in a relationship.

If they do not have the ability to do certain things that require good character, then they won’t be able to be good in relationships. It’s that simple!

4 Principles for Choosing the Right People

Relational problems occur when one or both of the participants are unable to meet the realistic demands of a relationship. This usually is because they are emotionally undeveloped in certain areas. And the result is a lot of pain caused by unmet basic needs.

Now that we’ve framed the problem, let’s look at four principles that will help you choose the right person, be the right person, and develop healthy relationships.

#1: Connection

A relationship is first and foremost about emotional connection. Our attachments to others are called “bonds,” and they are created and maintained by someone’s ability to share and connect from the heart, with all of its emotional vulnerabilities and tender feelings.

Many people can relate on a superficial and social level. But in a long-term relationship of any kind, it becomes increasingly important for you to be able to share your heart with someone, and have your heart be safe with that other person. When evaluating people that you are going to give your heart to, be careful to see if they can respond responsibly to your vulnerability and feelings! Make sure you are not creating a one-sided relationship and that they can also share their own heart with you. That mutual sharing is how bonds are built and maintained.

When determining whether or not someone would be “right” to connect with, ask yourself these questions:

Can they listen and empathize with your feelings and vulnerabilities?
Can they share on an emotional level?
Do you go away from time with them feeling like you have connected, or do you feel alone in th relationship?
Is there a high level of assurance that your bond will be protected?

Asking yourself these questions will help ensure that you are creating mutually beneficial relationships instead of one-sided ones.

#2: Boundaries

Another important aspect of a healthy relationship is to respect each other’s personal boundaries.

One way you can tell if someone respects your personal boundaries is whether you feel free to be in control of your own person, or whether you feel invaded, or controlled, by the other person when you are with them. A healthy person will respect your wishes to be in control of yourself. They allow you to freely choose what you want to do, or what you don’t do, without any pressure.

Do they become unreasonable when you refuse to do something? Can they allow you to be separate from them and have your space? Do they see you as an extension of themselves, in some way, and feel they have a right to control you and do whatever they want with you?

Consider the following questions:

Do they pressure you into spending too much of your time with them, or can you say “no” to their wishes and still be accepted?
Do they push in other areas, such as the physical area, in a dating relationship?
Can they hear and respect your “no” when they push you further than you want to go?
Do they allow you the freedom to have different opinions, values, and wishes than they do, or do you feel like you have to somehow be a “clone” of what they want you to be?
Do you feel like your choices are respected, or do you feel like there is only one “will” in the relationship?
Is it “their way or the highway?”

These are hard questions to answer, but it’s extremely important to have boundaries in a healthy relationship.

#3: Perfectionism

Raise your hand if you are perfect. What, no hands? That’s because everyone makes mistakes! What matters in a relationship is how each person reacts to those mistakes. Another important area to consider is the way a relationship handles the imperfections of each partner.

In this world, we aren’t going to be perfect, or find a perfect person to love. Expecting yourself or your partner to be perfect is unrealistic! What is realistic is having a good understanding of how each person deals with the imperfections in the relationship.

Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt some pressure to be “ideal” or perfect? The fallout of that kind of relationship can be difficult at best, and disastrous at worst. If you stay in a relationship that requires you to “be perfect,” you can end up feeling like it is not OK to be yourself, to be real with your faults and imperfections, and to make mistakes. That is not the kind of feeling you want!

In dating relationships, perfectionism can be displayed in the pressure to look or act a certain way so your partner will be happy with you. In friendships, it can be the pressure to not make mistakes or let them down. In parent-child relationships, it can be to be the ideal “trophy” child, making a parent happy by living up to unrealistic expectations.

Think about these questions:

Is it OK with your partner when you are “less than ideal”? What happens when you gain a few pounds or don’t look exactly like your partner wants you to? Or if you are not as successful as an “ideal” partner would be?
When you make a mistake, do you feel the freedom to confess to them that you failed?
Are you free to be your total real self with your partner? Can you reveal your faults and parts of yourself that aren’t so great?
Are there “image pressures” in the relationship? Do you feel the pressure to appear to be something that you aren’t, and wish that you could just be yourself?

It’s impossible to be perfect, and it’s important to learn from your mistakes so you can grow. Make sure you are in a relationship with someone who will support you through your mistakes. Chances are you will both learn and grow from them!

#4: Equality

The last quality we will look at is the ability for significant others to see you as an equal in the relationship.

Difficult relationships often have a dynamic called “one up/one down.” One partner always has to be the boss in the relationship, and is the self-appointed “parent.” They relate to the other primarily in terms of “shoulds,” telling them what they should do and not do.

This works well for a young child and a parent, but in adult friendships, dating relationships, and marriages, it fails if one partner is not seen as worthy of respect.

In short, it has to do with being dominated. Dominating relationships are very immature and lead to stunted emotional growth in both people. These relationships may be comfortable but are more often miserable and extremely limiting. And being under the control of another person doesn’t lead to intimacy (trust me).

When determining if your relationship has equality problems, consider these questions:

Do you feel that the other person always has to be in the superior position?
Do you frequently feel like a child around them?
Do you feel dominated and put down, even in a nice way?
Is there a judgmental quality to your relationship?

These character issues help relationships last and grow. No matter how attractive someone is, or how much we like them, if they have the character problems we just looked at, you are looking for trouble. In choosing your next significant relationship, consider these traits as carefully as you look at whatever else draws you to the person.

The Work is Worth the Effort

It would be nice to spot those red flag issues we’ve been discussing and steer clear of problem people, but none of us are certain how a person is going to react to certain situations. Today they may seem like a person who has a healthy respect for boundaries, but six months from now may be hoarding all your time and attention. None of us can evaluate another perfectly. But we can get better at it! The way we learn how to find the right people to have a healthy relationship with is only partly based on knowledge.

The biggest part of the solution has to do with our own character. To pick people of good character, we have to first become a person of healthy character. To find someone who can connect, we have to connect. To relate to someone with good boundaries, we have to have good boundaries of our own. To be with someone who is real, we have to grow past our own perfectionism.

The process by which we make the necessary changes in our own character is called spiritual growth. As we grow inside to become the person we were created to be, we find that we have better and better character ourselves, and as a result, make better choices in significant relationships. This requires work in our spiritual lives and makeup, and that’s not an easy process. But for those who have taken this challenge, they find that the work is worth the effort.

Need some help developing your character? Find a good community where you can learn how to grow in your ability to connect, be free from the control of others, be real, and be equal. Develop your spiritual life in such a community, as you learn to relate to your God and others in a deeper way. The lifelong rewards will surprise you.

Suicide: Helping Someone Who is Struggling

June 22, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

The recent self-inflicted deaths of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade have served as a sad reminder of the reality of suicide, not only among celebrities but also people we know and care about. Unfortunately, most of us know people who have killed themselves, and around 1% of people die in this way.

It is a complex issue, with many variables, such as isolation, failure, loss, substance issues, relationships, media and culture. However, there are things you can do that can help if you know someone who is struggling with suicidality thoughts or behaviors.

Get the facts. First, get some information about suicide. There is a ton of research on suicidality because it has become a major health issue. The more you know, the more you can help. Start with wedmd.com and Wikipedia, which can provide good data and resources for more information. Talk to a reputable therapist about it.

Understand the hopelessness. Often, a person will feel completely helpless and hopeless. They are experiencing a situation (a problem in relationships, family, emotions, finances, career or health) which is very painful and difficult, and yet they see nothing further they can do to change the difficulty (helplessness). This then leads them to think that their future will be no better than their present, and probably worse, which destroys positive thoughts about tomorrow (hopelessness). For people in this situation, they often feel that suicide is a rational step, in fact, the only step that makes sense. When you talk to a friend or family member who seems to be having severe difficulties, make sure you let them know you “get it” about the helplessness and hopelessness. It will help them feel not quite so alone and can help them to accept your help and suggestions as well.

Take it seriously. We hear a great deal about attention-getting behavior and manipulative suicidal attempts. These can happen, but still, always err on the side of caution. Even if a person is not actually suicidal, they could accidentally kill themselves with their risky behavior. If you hear them talk about wanting to take their lives, or if you see dangerous behavior, talk to them and point them to help: a therapist, doctor or hospital. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone about this, even if the struggling person wants you to keep it a secret. There is simply too much at stake.

About yourself. Finally, if you are having dark thoughts, feelings and behaviors, get help as soon as you can. Many people have found healing and a good future when they find the right therapist and support system.

If you are struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.

6 Healthy Ways to Handle Critical People

June 18, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

You’ve probably heard the old saying, “everyone is a critic.” This is our way of saying we all have opinions on one subject or another. In general, most people can have disagreements without escalation. When this happens, everyone comes into the disagreement with a healthy approach, and most leave the conversation better for having a good, healthy interaction.

But, sometimes we have to disagree with difficult people. You have probably had to deal with a difficult person in your life. Whether in-person on their computer or mobile device, difficult people are out there. (They are everywhere, actually!)

Whether we like it or not, we’ll have to deal with them with the same grace and truth we apply to all realms of our lives.

Change Your Perspective

Now, I’m going to give you some insight into how to work with critical people for a healthier outcome.

The core issue of a critical person is that when they face a problem, they negate the good. That’s no good. That’s not the healthy way to deal with problems!

Everybody has some level of critical analysis when it comes to problem-solving. That’s perfectly fine. You have to say, “Well, I screwed up there, or we have a cultural problem here, or we have an organization problem here, or whatever.”

It’s not that they see bad things per se. Instead, they negate the good. Even though life’s tough, it should be more positive than negative. Pretty simple right? So, critical people tend to be way out of balance.

We must ask ourselves where this comes from. You have to understand where critical people come from just to see they’re not making this up.

So how does one become a critical person? Let’s look at that next. Where does the problem start?

Family of origin: Sometimes, they have a family of origin issues where they were raised around a lot of criticism and that became the norm.
Environment: Some people are just around negative people all their lives and assume that’s just a normal way to communicate.
The Receiving End: Sometimes a person is the recipient of a lot of criticism.
Disappointment: A lot of times, at a deep level, critical people have been disappointed so much that it’s a way to avoid taking a risk and saying this is what I want.

Get Control Over It

You’ve probably got a critical person in your life; we all have that one person (or possibly more) who can’t seem to see the good in any situation. Here are a few simple truths that hopefully help you gain some control over the situation.

Forget about pleasing them: I’m sorry to say it, but you can’t please them! They’re unpleasable because they’re critical! They move the goalpost so that the goal is unattainable. Don’t try to please them, you will just be spinning your wheels.
Don’t get involved in power struggles: Do not escalate the disagreement to show them that you’re “more alpha.” Male alpha or female alpha, don’t show them that you’re an alpha because they can escalate till the cows come home. No good. Waste of time.

I’ve covered what not to do above. Now, let’s get into a few healthy ways to handle critical people.

6 Healthy Ways to Handle Critical People

Hear them: Just say, “Help me understand.” The road to solving problems comes when people feel heard.
Understand they didn’t come in a vacuum: This disagreement did not occur in a vacuum, they got to this critical point from somewhere, so it gives you a sense of patience and empathy for them.

Let them know how you feel: That awareness will help the lights come on. They will often go, “Well, tell me when I do that again.”

Ask them what they want: Ask them to say what they desire. Make them be specific! Because remember, they’re probably dealing with defending against disappointment and so they are more identified by what they do not want than what they do want.
Affirm the baby steps: It’s hard for a critical person to be balanced and look at the good because the good never meant anything good for them. So when they finally say, “Well, I just want to tell the team good job. That’s all I got to say.” That’s when, you know, pop the cork, have a big party, thank you. We need to know that and don’t let them say, “But you need to do these other things.” No, that’s not okay. Affirm the baby steps, it’s hard work for them. Write down a couple of vulnerabilities, it’ll really give you power and control over that.
Request more positives: Let them know that they can keep the negatives and that they need to add to the positives. You are trying to redo the way their brain works. Then, you can really repair the relationship and make them happier and a better place to work with and be a friend to them.

It will be difficult, especially at first, but I promise you that this kind of stuff works. Just like you, critical people have goals, desires, and wants. You can be an advocate for the person and share warmth for a healthy outcome.

When working with a critical person, you might need help with the conversation. TownsendNOW can give you the Christian-based guidance you’re seeking.

3 Tips for Creating A Strong Process Group

June 10, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We’ve been talking about the importance of forming a life team to help with your intentional growth in the personal and professional realms. Along those same lines, I now want to talk with you about the idea of process groups.

What is a Process Group?

You already know what a group is – pretty self-explanatory right?

In every group, there are always two elements present: the content or subject matter, and the process. The process element is where people talk about how they feel, and not just what they think. People talk about what things are like and what their needs are.

For example, if you go take a course at a college, it’s pretty much nothing but content. By comparison, if you go to group psychotherapy, it’s pretty much nothing but process.

For our purposes, I’m talking specifically about the groups where process is dominant, with people talking about their needs, feelings, challenges, and their relationships with each other. This fits into the concept of a life team in many respects.

In a process group, 5-10 individuals meet face to face to share their struggles and concerns with 1-2 trained professionals. The power of process groups lies in the unique opportunity to receive multiple perspectives, support, encouragement and feedback from other individuals in a safe and confidential environment.

Why Are Process Groups Important?

Simply put, people are the fuel of life. We know this. When we are healthy, it’s because we’ve got good people in our lives who nourish us with encouragement, wisdom, acceptance, safety, vulnerability, empathy, and challenge. It’s a little like a healthy, balanced diet.

Process groups are a great place to get the nutrients we need to live a successful and healthy life.

It’s not just facts and skills. We need those things, but it’s also people really getting deep with each other and sharing the nutrients of life. It becomes mutually healthy and beneficial concurrently.

What Makes a Good Process Group?

Let me give you three key aspects of a really good process group.

Full disclosure: I have facilitated close to 5,000 process groups myself, so I’m a deep believer in them. I’m a process group junkie because I see the power, not only in my own life, but in the people and companies I work with.

3 Tips for a Healthy Process Group

It needs to be facilitated. Someone has to be in charge. The group must have somebody who has specific training in doing process groups. It can be a professional or a therapist or someone licensed. Just someone who knows their 10,000 hours of how to properly facilitate a process group.
It must be a safe space. Similar to a life team, process groups are about opening up about your hurts, challenges, and insecurities. There are struggles you have and you need a safe place where you can open up about them in a judgment-free zone.
Respect for your needs and emotions. You know, there’s not many places in the world where our needs and emotions are respected. The group has to be a place where people say, “I wanna hear the challenge.” You don’t have to just give the good news. You can say you’re overwhelmed, embarrassed, or ashamed. It’s okay and admitting these feelings will be welcomed by people that care about you.

How Can a Process Group Fit In Your Life?

I look at process groups as a family, really. People were designed to be in families. You have your family of origin or your biological relatives. Your process group, much like your life team, is secondary to your family of origin and offers different nutrients.

The real difference is that your process group family is made up of people that have the love, wisdom, and structure you maybe didn’t get from your biological family. Your process group sort of fills in the gaps left by your biological family.

It is important to include people in your life that you’re not biologically related to for growth support. For more information on creating a process group, watch the topic video inside the TownsendNOW video library.

Follow These 3 Steps to Find Your Life Team

June 3, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Your life team is critically important to your wellbeing. This support system will help you overcome the challenges you face in the personal and professional realms.

I’m going to discuss my three-step process to help find those great people to have in your corner when the going gets tough below. Hopefully, you will be inspired to find your life team!

1. Identify Your Life Team

First of all, what is a life team? Let’s talk about this a little bit.

In your life, you are going to interact with thousands of people. Family, friends, classmates, coworkers, etc. Having the right kind of people in our lives is a great gift.

Think of your life path like your car. It needs fuel to get down the road. It needs proper maintenance to run correctly and keep you safe. By the same token, you also need the right kind of people in your life. Your life is there to help you accomplish the things you need to do to be successful.

They might offer you support in the following areas:

Take care of your family
Make the money you need
Have the right kind of job
Get up in the morning and feel good
Go work out. Have friends
Go take vacations
Achieve things

Do You Need a Life Team?

Maybe you are wondering if you actually need a life team in order to get the most out of your experiences. Let’s examine this a bit.

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by your to-do list at work at home?
Are you completely satisfied with your career?
Is your overall physical and emotional health where you want it to be?

Chances are, you have areas in your personal and professional growth that could use support.

When you aren’t able to make things happen on your own (without support), it’s time to consider changing your fueling system in your car. It’s time to make an effort to build your life team.

We tend to hang around the people in our lives because they chose us. Throughout life, you just kind of choose people who reciprocate. They might pick you because you’re nice, warm, have answers, or you’re kind.

If you really want to get the energy you need, as well as the resources, wisdom, and the smarts you need in life, you’re going to have to pick some people to change your fuel a little bit.

This doesn’t necessarily mean reject or condemn anybody. We all have friends at different levels. It just means you must make sure you’ve got the right people in your corner.

2. Understand Why a Life Team is Important for Growth

So now that you understand what a life team is, let’s talk a little bit about why you need to assemble yours now.

So much of the energy we need to live life comes from other people. It just does! Much like vitamins for our physical body, we have the need for certain people in our circle for a great life. Your life team will give you those nutrients; their support will give you the energy needed to keep growing and moving forward! You then use that energy to fulfill your purpose in the world.

Surrounding yourself with people who you can count on, who will listen to you, who give you warmth, and won’t judge is critical to overcoming obstacles. It’s that simple!

3. Create a Life Team

We’ve covered what a life team is and why it’s important. Now, let’s get started on creating your life team.

Ideally, you need somewhere between 3-10 people on your life team. Ten is kind-of the maximum because it takes time to develop in-depth relationships with people. Keep in mind that the larger the group, the longer it will take.

Your time is valuable and so is theirs. Less than three people may not provide the life nutrients you need for growth.

The great thing about people is that everyone contributes something different to your life. Certain people have wisdom, while others offer empathy, challenge you to grow, or have strong insight.

Now, This is Not a Team in the Traditional Sense.

I know it sounds like everyone is getting #TeamYou jerseys. But, the truth is you probably won’t meet your life team all at one time. Think of them as people you pick up along the way.

Let me tell you about my own life team. I have 10 people on Team Townsend because I have a lot of needs. They all live in different parts of the country and don’t know each other well. The common thread connecting them is me!

What Does it Take to Be #TeamYou?

Consider these questions as you seek out people who can provide valuable nutrients for growth:

Can they be vulnerable with you and can you be vulnerable with them? If you can’t be vulnerable, you can really never get what you need out of the relationship. When people feel they have to have it all together all the time, they’ll sort of never get anywhere in life. Vulnerability is a real answer to growth.
Can you really be honest about the negatives in your life, including failure, things you’re embarrassed about, and things where you’re beating yourself up? Not only must players on your life team be vulnerable, they’ve got to have total safety. There’s no shaming, no judging, and no advice a lot of the time. Chances are they will be great listeners and great at asking you the right questions to help you find answers.
Can they challenge you and offer honesty? They must be able to say, “I think you’re going the wrong direction here,” or maybe just give you wisdom or data or information or life experiences. Bottom line – they’ve got to have truth in them.
Is there chemistry? If you don’t really like them personally, then you won’t want to have lunch or coffee with them. If you don’t enjoy spending time with them and learning from them, don’t add them to your life team!

Life Team: Assemble!

Ready to assemble your life team? Let’s get started! Here are my suggestions to get you started.

Make two lists. One is a list of the prospects by going through your email and phone contacts. Make a second list of the people that shouldn’t be prospects.

Although it may sound harsh, this is an important part of the process. After some reflection, you may learn you’re letting people in your boundary space that you shouldn’t. Or maybe you’re not giving enough time and energy to the relationships that benefit you. Trust me, you’ll find a lot of good things happen when you do those two lists.

This list will likely take you a couple of hours, but prune the list down to 20-40 people. Then, pick the first person that looks like an ideal life team member and, call them and ask to catch up. Spend some time with them.

When you talk, take one little step of vulnerability. Maybe you admit something is kind-of hard to them, like “I’m really struggling with my job,” or, “One of our kids is kind of going south,” or “I’m struggling with my dating life,” or whatever. Be open to the person.

If they give you a bunch of advice, change the subject, or talk about themselves, that’s not a good sign.

But, if they move toward you and say, “I had no idea. Tell me more about that. That’s really hard,” you know you’ve got a potential. The key here is that they are able to listen, and not make it about themselves.

I recommend that you have three or four lunches or coffee meet-ups with someone you consider a prospect for your life team before creating your final roster. Their support will be critical to your overall growth, so take your time and get it right!

Once you have picked your life team, your next step is asking them for their support. What you say after three or four meetings is, “I’m getting really intentional about my growth. And I know my growth involves getting a lot of people around me who really want to grow and change and support each other, and I’d like to meet on a regular basis.”

It will take time to build a team, somewhere between four and six months. A life team can’t be sporadic.

Try to get together regularly, whether it’s once a month or once a week to just talk about life and how you can help each other grow.

If you’re struggling with identifying who should be on your life team, let me help you. Subscribe to TownsendNOW today and start identifying the good people who can truly help you grow.