Archives for July 2018

4 Must-Haves for a Healthy Marriage

July 30, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Barbi and I just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. She is a wonderful wife, mother, and partner. We make a great team and she is my gift from God.

Our recent anniversary led me to reflect on what makes a healthy marriage. I want to now share some of the lessons I’ve learned about maintaining a healthy relationship in three decades, not only as a husband but as a marital counselor as well.

What Does Marriage Really Mean?

While simple on paper, the concept of marriage is actually a complex construct. Two people agree to have a relationship, they fall in love with each other, and decide to commit to a life together before God. There’s a ceremony to affirm that commitment where your friends and family are present.

At the same time, marriage is a legally binding contract. The reason states require a marriage license is because you’re entering into a business agreement with another person. It’s just a fact of the relationship. Marriage is not just a commitment of love, but a mixing of financial and spiritual resources.

Is marriage always a passionate romance? Unfortunately, no.

More often than not, it’s the comfort of doing laundry or cooking dinner with your partner. It’s catching up on your favorite TV shows and attending church together. It’s watching your kids grow up and become successful adults with children of their own. It’s the simple parts of day-to-day life where you come to see your partner as more than a spouse, but a best friend offering unconditional love, warmth, truth, and grace.

So, what does marriage really mean? It’s about finding balance and support.

If you want to get better at managing disagreements in your relationship, I have some tips for having productive difficult conversations in the video portal.

4 Must-Haves for a Healthy Marriage

No matter how long you’ve been married, you can always learn a new skill to better your relationship with your spouse.

1. 1. Faithfulness. This is a no-brainer without a doubt. First and foremost, you must say to yourself, “I will be faithful to my spouse emotionally, sexually and spiritually.” When you focus on faithfulness, you’ve made sure that God is in the center of the picture of your marriage. Now, you have the architecture for a really strong marriage because both people are on the same page.
  2. Establish and maintain boundaries. Boundaries are basically a property line. When you understand what they’re meant to do and the way God designed boundaries to work, you can see how they would fit very well in marriage. Boundaries let us know what we are responsible for in our lives. They define what we’re responsible to protect and grow in a relationship, and what we are not. In marriage, you need boundaries. When boundaries aren’t clearly set, it leads to unnecessary strife and conflict because you aren’t sure who is “responsible” for what and that is difficult. Boundaries in marriage are not about fixing or changing your mate.
  3. Fight Fair. Anyone who has been married for any amount of time understands – conflict will happen. You’re not going to agree on everything. It’s just not reality. Conflict is stressful, especially in a marriage, because it makes us anxious. But, the good news is that freedom and responsibility are the nutrients of a healthy marriage, including the freedom to disagree. When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love.
  4. Provide Warmth and Safety. Believe it or not, providing warmth and safety is the main component of a healthy marriage. This means supporting your partner, no matter what. This means you are an advocate for them, even in times of conflict. Take a moment and reflect – “Can my spouse come to me and be open and vulnerable about their feelings without fear of any backlash?” If the answer is no, start working on this now! Showing your spouse unconditional love and grace is what will help sustain your relationship during tough times like losing a parent or a job.
In general, I am “pro-marriage.” I think it is one of the greatest gifts God can give anybody when both participants are actively working together as a team. I will always tell people to look at the four core competencies above to work on having an even more amazing marriage!

Natural Disasters: How to Find Hope in their Wake

July 27, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We often feel powerless when a natural disaster strikes. Watching the news, seeing those affected, we quickly realize natural disasters do not discriminate.

The recent wildfires in the southwest and 2017’s destructive hurricane season caused untold damage to lives and property. All of us have either read about or experienced disasters, such as earthquakes, tornadoes, floods, and tsunamis.

Unfortunately, we will see them again in the future as well.

Here are some tips to be able to deal with these sorts of negative realities that exist at a high-magnitude level:

1. Do what life requires. It is easy to become somewhat obsessed and focused on the past or the next disaster. While we all need to prepare adequately for these occurrences, our minds are not equipped to stay “on call” thinking about these. Psychologists call this hypervigilance, a state of constant alertness. One aspect of hypervigilance is that the demands on your adrenal glands, constantly being engaged, causes them to become fatigued, which can be debilitating to your health and happiness. Instead of being “on call” for the next disaster, do what is required in your life: take care of your relationships with your family and friends; work in something meaningful and useful; keep your self care a priority; engage in your interests and passions; and help other in some form of service. This is not denial. It is simply letting your mind and behavior do what they do best.
2. Stay connected. Isolation and avoiding vulnerable relationships tend to have a magnifying effect on our stress reactions to disaster. Aloneness makes us worse, not better. Having a few supportive, understanding and warm people in your life, where you can mutually share your fears, your lessons learned and your hopes will do a great deal to help you function and feel normal.
3. Learn resilience. Resilience is a psychological term describing the ability to bounce back over time after a stress or loss. People who are resilient, for example, work through financial difficulties, health issues and family troubles, often to their previous level of functioning. Resilience is not instant, but it is an important skill. Learn resilience over the smaller matters in life, using patience, perseverance and a positive attitude. This will prepare you for the larger issues you will encounter.
4. Remove any demand for a just universe. The idea of “this is not fair” and “it’s not just” is a normal reaction to catastrophic events. It is just how our minds respond. But if “this isn’t fair” becomes an internal mantra, it will tend to sap your strength, your clarity of mind and your sense of well being. Just begin to accept that the world doesn’t run on “fair”, though it would be nice if it did. Instead, substitute “it is what it is, and I will deal with what it is.” That will be much more helpful and empowering for you.

4 Components of Good Character

July 23, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

“It builds character.”

You’ve surely heard the phrase at least once in your life. Generally, that statement is said to a person after something negative has happened in their lives that they must now overcome. So, by now, you’ve probably heard it at least once.

Look, life is tough. It just is. I understand the struggles surrounding getting older, becoming parents and grandparents, upsizing, downsizing, illness, career transitions, grief – this list goes on and on. How you handle the ups and downs of life makes all the difference and can indeed build character.

What Exactly Is “Character?”

Admittedly, the definition of “character” is somewhat abstract.

I define it as having a set of abilities required to meet the demands of reality. Most of the time, we are not really in control of what’s happening around us. That’s okay. It’s part of God’s plan for us.

As you know, life has many requirements to function. As you get older, it goes from making the bed and tying your shoelaces to finding your life’s passion, marrying the right person, having a family, and eventually retiring to enjoy your golden years. All of that “stuff” requires character because none of it is easy at the outset.

To make life work, you must focus on character growth first, and not just the results you want in the end.

Why Is Character Growth Important?

There are two main reasons character growth is so critical to all aspects of your life.

First, everything starts with who you are on the inside. Who you are shapes how you behave. How you behave then becomes how you relate and how you relate becomes how you succeed.

So, it starts with the inside and works outward. We all want great relationships. Character growth allows how we are on the inside to create the warmth that radiates around us.

Secondly, character is important because life has lots of demands. They can be simple or they can be as complicated. Either way, life is demanding and your character shapes how you approach and handle these situations.

The Four Components of Good Character

Now, I’m going to break down the four components of good character. These will make all the difference for having a successful life.

1. Attachment: Attachment is the ability to trust and be vulnerable, to be able to open up to people and create a support network. These could be people who end up on your life team. You also understand that not everyone is safe or meant to be a part of that. Attachment means finding the right people to provide the nutrients you need for growth. Read about how to create your life team here.
2. Separation: Separation means the ability to have your own voice, make your own choices, and to be a free person. Because some people are very attached, they have relationships, but they feel guilty about speaking up and about disagreeing and confronting. This means they don’t have good boundaries. Separation and attachment need to balance each other out as you work on your character.
3. Integration: Integration means there are two kinds of realities in our life: There’s the positive realities of my strengths, good people, good experiences, and great mission in life. But, there are also negative realities, like my own brokenness, my own failure, my own losses, my own pains, how other people let me down, and how I’ve let other people down. Integration means I can live with the positives very well and I can embrace the negatives at the same time.
4. Maturity: Maturity means I am confident in who I am and I know why I’m here. Maybe you’ve raised a great family and have a wonderful career. Maybe you’ve learned to walk away from negative relationships. Maturity also means being able to take everyone’s needs into consideration when making important decisions, including your own.

So, what now? In your own life, start identifying those four character growth components and see where you have room for growth.

Life will not work until we have the character to make it work.

Opioids: How to Help Someone Battling Addiction

July 20, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We are seeing a great deal on the news about the opioid crisis in the U.S. and in the world these days.

Opioids are pain-relieving substances which exist in prescription form (oxycodone, hydrocodone, codeine and morphine), in synthetics (fentanyl) and in illegal forms (heroin). I simply cannot overemphasize how incredibly hyper-addictive opioids can be. The Mayo Clinic puts it as clearly and directly as it can be put: “Anyone who takes opioids is at risk of developing addiction.”

On a personal note, my nephew recently died from opioid addiction. He was a young man with a bright future ahead of him, and we all cared deeply for him. Knowing firsthand what our family experienced, you would not wish this sort of tragedy on your worst enemy. The family will be dealing with the impact of opioids in his life, for many years.

Opioid addiction creates a devastating wake, including death (115 people in the US per day), health issues, long-term debilitation, family fragmentation and job losses. Recent research by Blue Cross, which insures a third of the U.S. population, is indicating a decline in opioid addiction by its members. That is an encouraging sign.

At the same time, a crisis that is declining is still a crisis.

This is no time for any of us to become disengaged or complacent.

So, here are some tips to help someone you care about or even yourself.

Educate yourself. Knowledge is power. It will help you to understand the main realities of opioid addiction on several levels: how the chemicals work in the brain; the nature of the addiction process; how to identify it in someone; what treatments are available; helping the family, and the legal and political aspects. The information will help you to think clearly and know better how to act when you are faced with any aspect of addiction.
If you see it, say it. Far too many people don’t want to rock the boat with someone they suspect of using. Sometimes they don’t want to upset the relationship, sometimes they doubt their own gut and observations, and sometimes it just isn’t a priority. But the harm of saying something and being wrong about it is far less than the danger of not saying anything and being wrong about that. You aren’t judging or condemning anyone to tell them what you are observing in their behavior and patterns, and you are speaking from love and concern.
Address the national conversation. There is no way that the opioid crisis will be resolved only by finding good treatments. We need a larger conversation by advocates to work on a legal and financial level, to deal with matters such as availability and sourcing. Ask your local congressperson what they are doing, and how you can engage.

In the end, it is all about taking action.

By the way, I would like for my nephew’s story to be accompanied by his name, to make it more personal and real. His name is Adam.

6 Ways We Can Learn to Trust Again

July 16, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We are born trusting. In the beginning, we put our trust in our parents and relatives to care for us, love us, and keep us alive. Yes, these are basic needs, but they are also important ones!

Unfortunately, over time, something happens.

We get let down. We get left out. We go through a break-up or betrayal. The hard truth is that a lot of things just happen in our lives that cause us to lose trust in others. Knowing this, is it even possible to learn to trust again?

Yes. You can trust again!

Defining Trust is a Must

How do we define trust?

Trust is allowing someone to know our vulnerabilities. It’s about revealing our soft spots, failures, pain, negatives, and weaknesses. When you allow someone to see the real you, it’s a way of saying, “I trust you with this information, and I believe that you’re not going to do something hurtful to me with it.”

In the Bible, one of the translations for the word “trust” in Hebrew is “to be careless.” This means that you have so much trust in someone that you’re just careless with them. You don’t worry about saying the right thing. There is no walking on eggshells. There is no fear. You are truly yourself when you show that vulnerability and trust.

This “carelessness” comes from knowing that, no matter what, you are safe with this person you trust. When someone violates that trust or exposes one of the “secret parts” of ourselves that we don’t share with everyone, it hurts. Sometimes deeply.

That betrayal is what I call a trust fracture. How do trust fractures happen? Unfortunately, trust can be broken in a number of ways, especially as we grow older.

Divorce, problems with an adult child, challenges at work, friendship drama, and disappointment are all common culprits of trust fractures. How we approach rebuilding trust after it fractures that makes all the difference.

The Two Big Don’ts in Trusting

Two different outcomes can happen when someone breaks our trust. Sadly, sometimes these trust fractures happen more than once and we experience a hurtful pattern from the same person. Small breaches in confidence add up! Once those breaches happen, it can be hard to trust anyone, whether they’re a longtime friend or someone new.

Big Don’t #1: We don’t trust anyone.

When we lose trust, we often default to not trusting ANYONE. That’s not good at all. You need safe people in your life and that means having trust in them. They’ll give you the right nutrients for a happier and more trusting life. (Information on how to identify the safe people in your life is in my blog post here.)

Big Don’t #2: We trust everyone (but shouldn’t)

Or, conversely, we trust TOO quickly. When people let us down or are inconsistent, we can sometimes forgive and forget without sitting back and thinking, “Let me discern if you’re gonna really change your ways here.”

Then, the cycle repeats.

Trusting everyone or trusting no one at all is not a healthy way to work through losing trust. You end up in a passive permanent state where you wait for people to come to you. That won’t give you the nutrients you need at all.

6 Ways to Learn to Trust Again

The good news is that you can learn to trust again, no matter how deep the fracture, if both people agree to change (and actually do).

Repairing a trust fracture won’t happen overnight. It is going to be hard work, too. It takes time to rebuild trust or to initially put your trust in someone after a pattern of broken promises. But, if you follow these steps, you will be in a prime position to start trusting again.

Count The Cost. By not trusting anyone, consider these questions: What am I missing out on? Am I lonely? Am I lacking energy? Healthy boundaries are one thing. They help us with trusting people. But, when you put up too many boundaries to the point of isolation, you lose out on the potential for the nutrients needed for a happier life.
Don’t Be Afraid. A big step toward rebuilding trust or putting your trust in someone new is overcoming the fear-need complex. It’s something in our head that says, “I’m afraid of needing people so I won’t need them. But, then I feel like I really need them and I get afraid.” It’s a hard, back and forth internal struggle. Let the need overcome that fear.

Stick Your Toe in the Water. Take a small risk with someone NEW and see what happens. Allow someone to see a small mistake you made and be vulnerable. This is what happens right after you work through the fear I mentioned in #2.

Pick the Right People to Trust. Trusting someone is hard, so don’t make it harder than it has to be. Make sure people deserve your trust. You’ve got to make sure the people you’re surrounding yourself with are not going to intentionally betray your trust I always stress the need to identify safe people and trust is a big part of that concept.

Treat Others as You Want to Be Treated. Trust is truly a two-way street. The foundation of trust is built when you treat someone well, regardless of what they can or can’t do for us. Start to look out for them, start to put their needs in front of your own. It’s a lot easier to build trust with someone who shows consistent, good behavior toward us. It’s also a way to show the other person how they can build trust with you!

Balance Strength & Vulnerability. A strong person is one who can be vulnerable with others. Meaning, strength comes from being able to trust someone. For example, if you tell someone you want to trust that you’re feeling anxious about a situation at work and they give you warmth in response, that’s a show of strength. It is not weak to show vulnerability. Quite the opposite in fact. Keep in mind, this is not the kind of strength that dominates people or controls them, but the kind of strength that is balanced with being vulnerable.

It takes a lot of work to build trust, and even more, work to build it back up after a trust fracture. Trust is not something that should be given freely (meaning just to anyone). It should be earned.

School Shootings: How You Can Think and Act About Them

July 13, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Some of the most heartbreaking and disturbing feelings you can experience are in the aftermath of the tragedy of a school shooting.

It is something we were not designed to handle, as the depth of the loss is intense. The feelings we have tend to be a combination of horror, sadness, anger and being overwhelmed.

We are horrified by knowing kids, our most vulnerable population, are being killed. Our sadness is a reflection of our compassion for these children and their families, in which life has been marked forever. Anger comes against the murderer, creating a desire for justice. And the overwhelmed part is because there is so much division in our country about what can solve this.

There are some ways to think about this controversial issue, and some things we can do, that will help. Here are some tips:

Get clear.

Neuroscience teaches us that our minds do not do well in an overwhelmed state. When we see a video of a shooting and then feel the emotions I described, our brains go into the amygdala mode, which is our reactive, fight-or-flight mode. The strength of these strong and conflicting emotions can, over time, keep us upset, feeling paralyzed, and not being able to let this go and deal with our normal lives.

This is no solution for how to solve the issue, nor is it one what is good for your personal life either. So get clear: make sure you are talking to safe people in your life who can really hear how much emotion you feel. You don’t want to be alone with those feelings.

Also, study the issue, don’t ignore it. Ignorance adds to the confusion, and information clarifies. Figure out which of the experts and solutions make sense to you. Take a stance, even though it isn’t perfect. You will simplify your mind’s clarity and be able to handle what you think about the situation.

Think in terms of balance.

We need to deal with the symptom of the problem, which is that, in the current environment, our schools need systems for protection and security. And we need to deal with the causes as well. There are several causes that are being investigated, with mental illness, gun control, and criminal behavior being some of the most discussed ones.

An approach that only addresses the symptoms is bound to ultimately fail, as is the cause-focused approach as well. If a doctor has a patient with a raging fever, she will certainly give him something for his discomfort, but she will also examine him for a bacterial, viral, or other cause, to solve the underlying problem.

Don’t be the hand-wringer. Be a solver.

Unfortunately, we tend to move into “it’s all going to hell in a handbasket” conversations when we see the horror and devastation of these school shooting tragedies. We certainly all need time and conversations to process this, in order to digest the data in our brains.

But, once you have done that, stay away from those conversations that don’t go anywhere after a while, except into helplessness and bitterness. They aren’t good for you or the schools.

I was at a dinner of friends recently where a few people got into the topic, and it was going nowhere except into more unproductive, helpless and angry feelings. Then, one of the people in the group said, “We’ve talked about this a lot, and it’s important. Can we either come up with our ideas for solutions or change the subject?” The result was that several people had some good ideas, and it became a more helpful conversation.

Our kids and our schools deserve the most thoughtful solutions possible. We need to all look for answers.