Archives for August 2018

Finding Balance When You’re a Career-Oriented Parent

August 31, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We were all designed to do two basic passions in life: have great relationships and engage in a meaningful job. Parenting is an example of the first, and career, an example of the second. However, most of us doing both find that there are lots of conflicts involved.

Kids don’t say, “Mom, I’ll do my homework and cook dinner tonight so you can work later.” And work doesn’t say, “Look, take off early and go to the soccer game, the partners meeting isn’t that big of a deal.” So we end up feeling somewhat frazzled and frustrated, with the sense that we might not be doing either of these all that well.

Here are some tips that can help.

4 Tips for Finding Balance When You’re a Career-Oriented Parent

Tip #1: Parenting trumps work. This is just a core value. There is no way around this if you understand the developmental needs of children. A child’s neurological design is to have two parents who love them, help them trust, feel safe, provide structure for them and help them develop their identities and interests. They are more vulnerable than the companies that we work for. They need parents. They didn’t choose to exist, we made choices to raise them. This isn’t about any sort of guilt message at all, but at the end of the day, a secure and well-functioning child is a lot more important than a career.

Tip #2: Age makes a difference. Having said that, I have seen many people actually do it all, and do it all well. They are great parents, and they have meaningful careers. One of the things to remember here is that in general, the older the child, the less time needed to parent. As any parent knows, there is a big difference in the time involved to do the right job with a 2-year-old who is home all day, as opposed to a 12-year-old, who has school and sports afterward. So it does get easier to spend more time on a career, as time moves on.

Tip #3: Do what only you can do. Make sure you are putting the highest quality “parent time” in with your child. There are functions that simply just belong to you alone, and functions that you can share or outsource with others. Here is the principle: relational time is more important than functional time. Relational time has to do with having the child talk about their day, activities, friends, wins and losses. It is about affection, wrestling, coloring and playing with toys. Functional time has to do with the task aspects of parenting: rides to school, doing laundry and chores. Functional is necessary, but it is not as necessary that the parent do it. So share those tasks with friends, neighbors and other family members, as much as possible. You are the only eyeball-to-eyeball parents your child has.

Tip #4: Share parenting with the other parent. Great parents pitch in with each other. Share bedtime, homework, play time, etc. Make it equitable. Dads need to cook and clean up. Moms need to be engaged in sports. Everyone should do everything. You’ll need a calendar in the kitchen to stay organized, but this works! If you need some additional support in this area, please read my post that includes a few tips for healthy parenting.

You can have it all, as long as you understand that you can’t have it all as much as you may have originally thought. Live in reality, budget your time, be disciplined and put the child first. Best to you!

4 Tips To Avoid Drama

August 24, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Human beings are prone to drama. Unfortunate, but true. It’s just in our nature.

You need to know how to work through drama when you encounter it. Otherwise, you’re headed toward a vicious cycle that will only drain you emotionally.

How Does Drama Start?

What is drama? Drama is when a person has an emotional meltdown in your presence. If you’ve ever had a conversation with someone and things begin to escalate with no good resolutions, you understand how drama can evolve quickly.

Difficult conversations are often a result of trying to diffuse drama. Read my thoughts on how to approach a difficult conversation with grace and truth here.

4 Tips for Avoiding Drama

Here are four tips to help you avoid these unproductive and useless conversations.

Avoid the toxic triangle and communicate. A toxic triangle is when one person hears something about another person through a third party. You probably know it better as “gossip.” For example, you don’t want to hear that your boss thinks you have a poor attitude from a coworker. Instead, you need to have a healthy and open conversation with your manager where you both are vulnerable. Direct communication always wins out over triangulation.
Nip it in the bud. Misunderstandings between people almost always fester over time if we ignore them. Let’s say you had a conflict with a friend. Don’t let the issue linger. It’ll create an awkward and unhealthy environment when you’re spending time with mutual friends who will know the conflict hasn’t been resolved. That creates drama. Take the initiative and act.
Listen before you express your point of view. When you can see that the other person is upset, don’t try to explain yourself immediately. They are not experiencing you from their rational, prefrontal cortex part of the brain. They are lodged in the amygdala, where they feel fight, flight, freeze or fold feelings. Instead, show concern for what they feel, and authentically make statements such as, “That must be difficult”, “Tell me more,” and “It sounds overwhelming.” Don’t assume this has worked because you said it. Ask if you understand. This calms down a great deal of drama so that people can get to be friends again.
Set ground rules. Unfortunately, there are people who are just walking dramas. They blow up, interrupt, yell and make life miserable for everyone. Also, they tend to never solve their problems! When you are with this type of person, before you have the talk, set these three ground rules:
- We can finish sentences without the other person interrupting.
- We can be upset, but not yelling or disrespectful.
- We will seek to understand what each other is saying.

Most people will agree to these fairly simple boundaries. However, keep in mind that, when the conversation begins, they will lose their perspective and start violating the ground rules. That’s okay. Just gently remind the other person of the boundary: “Remember the interrupting ground rule? I need to finish my sentence first.” Most people will remember and agree to continue in the right way. If they continue to violate your set boundaries, simply halt the conversation and say you will need to resume it at another time when the other party can abide by the rules in a calm manner.

Open communication and boundaries are the keys to negating drama before it gets out of control. Follow these four suggestions and you’ll be on the road to a drama-free life!

Feeling Insecure? Here Are 3 Healthy Ways to Deal

August 20, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Feeling insecure from time to time is completely normal, especially when you are actively trying to grow and challenge yourself to be your best. From a young age, we learn to compare ourselves to others. While this comparison in small doses is natural, it also sets us up to feel negative things sometimes, including insecurity.

Social media makes this human tendency of comparison a little too easy sometimes because it creates a space to feel insecure. Have you ever found yourself seeing a social media update from a friend or family member that made you lose confidence in yourself? That uncertainty, that anxiousness about yourself, that’s insecurity!

Insecurity can be a big problem if it isn’t addressed because it will slow you down and keep you from accomplishing your goals.

Deep down, we know we have enough resources, talent, and motivation to accomplish our goals. But, when we’re insecure, we’re not confident. That lack of confidence can hinder us from taking that next step toward the finish line! Don’t let your self-doubt hinder you!

The 3 Ps: Negative Approaches to Handling Insecurity

When insecurity comes into play, it can be hard to immediately know how to handle this negative feeling. I’m going to talk about a few of the negative ways people try to deal with insecurity, what I call the Three Ps.

Being Passive. The first P is being passive. Insecure people tend to want to stay in their comfort zones. For example, sitting around on a Friday night, waiting for someone to invite you somewhere instead of proactively asking someone to try out a new restaurant. Sorry, wishful thinking doesn’t actually work my friends! Over time, being passive about your life (instead of actively trying to improve and grow) causes you to become a very insecure person, and you isolate yourself more and more as you wait for something to change.
Pretending. The second approach to handling insecurity involves pretending you’re confident. Just saying “fake it ‘til you make it” during public speaking or engaging in polite conversation will only get you so far. It’s not a true fix. It will just get you in the ballpark, but you’ve got to be honest about your insecurity to get off the bench.
People-Pleasing. The third approach has to do with people-pleasing. Insecure people tend to give enormous power to other people, instead of using their own power. You say “yes” to attending events or doing favors even when, deep down, you should focus on yourself and re-energize.

If you have some insecurities in your life, don’t be discouraged. You can change the tone of your inner voice to be positive and healthy! A good first step is to put an end to self-judgment. You can read more about that here.

The 3 Rs: Three Healthy Ways to Deal with Insecurity

So far, I’ve shared my three Ps for handling insecurity in a negative way. Now, I’m going to go through three healthy ways to deal with insecurity that really work, what I like to call the three R’s.

Relationships. The first healthy way to deal with insecurity is through relationships. In your life, you must have a few healthy relationships with safe people that see you, see through you, and say, “You know, there’s a lot of good in you and I know you’ve had bad experiences before, maybe you’ve made mistakes, but I see a good person there. And I like you and I will help you.” The key is to focus on those relationships that don’t control you and grows you in the right direction.
Risk. The second way to handle insecurity relates to how you view risk. If you’re an insecure person, you become risk-averse by not putting yourself out there to try and engage in new relationships or hobbies. Learn to live with risk, move past your anxiousness and try new things. To clarify, when I talk about “risky” behavior here, I am not referring to anything that could be harmful to yourself or someone else. This risk is more along the lines of taking a chance or trying something for the first time. It’s not easy, but it’ll be worth it.
Resetting. Finally, dealing with insecurity sometimes means resetting. You’ve got to hit the reset button on how you feel about yourself, especially when you engage in (positive) risky behavior designed to push your boundaries. You begin to reset how you feel about yourself because of putting yourself out there, and you are also changing the way you react to new, risky situations.

Insecurity happens. No matter how confident you are, you will have insecure moments. The key to handling insecurity in a healthy way is in how you manage it. Remember the three R’s (relationships, risk, and resetting) if you get stuck. Get out of your comfort zone and get beyond insecurity!

What are the Positives and Negatives of Isolation?

August 17, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

One of the most important aspects of our lives is the need for connection and great relationships. When we don’t have that connection, we can find ourselves in isolation. While it can be healthy in limited doses, isolation can be harmful to your wellbeing when it turns into an extended period of time.

Isolation Is Not Always Bad

First, let’s talk about small periods of “alone time.” Isolation in small doses is a good thing.

All of us, even the extroverts among us, need “me time” to rest, recharge, and get our heads back in the game of life. This “me time” possibly includes being alone in one’s home or office, reading, listening to music or taking a walk.

Our brains crave a space during the day. In this space, there is no external stimulation coming in which we need to deal with, such as someone’s questions, or story or simply talking about their experiences. Alone is a good thing in this context. It’s not permanent. It’s just a “time out,” if you will.

Loneliness is often a symptom of isolation. I share four tips to help you move away from loneliness and into healthy relationships here.

The 3 Types of Negative Isolation

A little isolation is okay. But, if you are not careful, it can turn into prolonged periods where we don’t connect with anyone. Isolation can sort-of take control of your life.

I want to outline the three types of isolation which aren’t helpful for us and how we can address them.

Continual interpersonal isolation. This is where there’s “too much” aloneness. It may be that you are very busy at work, or don’t regularly reach out to friends or family. Regardless, research indicates that we need some sort of meaningful, supportive contact with people every week of our lives. So, if life has you in a busy-and-isolated season, that’s fine. That’s normal. But, don’t make it a lifestyle. Have lunch or a good phone call with supportive, safe people a minimum of three times a week.
The isolation of exposure to chronic relationships. You may not be technically alone, but if you spend significant amounts of time on people who drain you or are toxic, you are not experiencing the transfer of relational nutrients that you need. You may be isolating yourself without even knowing it if you are not with someone who listens, is emphatic, and wants the best for you. If this is your situation, prune back the chronic relationship and increase the supportive connections.
The isolation in our minds. Some people can be around supportive, warm relationships all day and STILL don’t feel connected. This is because their mental isolation is so pervasive that, try as they might, they can’t let others in. So, they always feel they are “on the outside looking in” on life and not a part of rich relationships. This is a problem called detachment, which is the inability to make vulnerable connections. If this is the issue, you can get help, in the form of a coach or therapist who specializes in detachment.

There is a great deal of information and research on isolation. It can be overwhelming, but not insurmountable by any means. Live in a relationship, even if it’s just a platonic friendship. Don’t let isolation rule over a life of connection, love, meaning, and energy.

3 Healthy Ways to Handle Shame

August 13, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Shame is a big deal because simply put, it can cripple you. Shame is what happens when we experience a self-attack and tell ourselves we’re just not worthy of being loved.

Everybody feels shame at some point and it can be excruciating. Deciding to handle this difficult emotion in a healthy way can make a significantly positive impact on your life!

Shame: “It Cuts Like a Knife”

Bryan Adams lyrics aside, shame can literally feel like you’ve been hurt by a sharp object. You physically ache. You feel useless or think you let everybody down or that nobody really likes you. These are overwhelming feelings that can break you down if you are not mindful.

Some people feel ashamed for not being perfect, having needs, for needing reassurance, or for asking for time. Some people even feel ashamed for success because they think it’s going to make them a narcissist. No – stop doing that! These feelings are nothing to be ashamed of! In fact, they are quite normal.

Shame can often come right after a failure. Learn four healthy ways to handle failure and turn it into a positive!

The Wrong Ways to Counter Shame

We may be prone to dealing with shame the wrong way. This can lead to even bigger problems. Here are a few wrong ways to counter shame.

First, we try to ignore it. If you ignore your feelings in one way, they’re going to manifest in another way. They’ll come up as an attitude problem or show as physical problems like colitis, backaches, headaches, and GI problems. If you don’t handle those feelings of shame and instead ignore them, your body will process in other (negative) ways.

Maybe, instead of ignoring our shame, we beat ourselves up more and then give in to the feeling that we messed up or aren’t worthy. Now, all of a sudden, you are beating yourself up and that just makes things worse.

Long story short, you’re not fine. But, it’s okay.

3 Healthy Ways to Handle Shame

We’ve talked briefly about unhealthy ways to handle shame. You are no longer going to ignore it, or feel ashamed of it, right? Good! Instead, let’s consider these healthy approaches to shame.

Recognize that it’s happening and don’t give in to shame. When you start to feel shame, go, “That inner judge is beating me up again.” Just the fact that you’re aware of the feeling and can identify it can alleviate a lot of the pain. Self-awareness is your friend!
Know why you feel shame. Now that you recognize how shame feels for you, the next step is understanding why this feeling came about. Is it because you failed at something recently, or are you remembering something from your past? Do a little digging. What was the sequence of events that triggered your feeling of shame? This analysis is important to help you start identifying potential shame triggers so you can avoid them in the future!
Connect. Sometimes it can take a little time and personal interaction with someone you trust to shake off a feeling of shame. Spend some time with someone who de-shames you, really cares about you, and talk about what you are ashamed of with them. This release can be incredibly healing!

Self-attacks are an unfortunate reality of life. We shouldn’t ignore it or just try to work through it because the shame will simply cause more problems, both psychological and physical. It’s just not worth it. Dealing with shame in a healthy way is the only way to go. Get connected to the safe people in your life and start working through why you’re attacking yourself today. I promise you’ll feel better!

Put the Phone Down: Three Ways to Decrease Screen Time for Your Wellbeing

August 10, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Fact: We are simply on our phones too much. A recent study found that people spend over 4 hours a day on mobile phones last year, or around 86 hours a month!

The bigger problem, of course, is the fact that too much screen time is not enough to cause most of us to change our behavior.

“I gained a couple pounds” or “I don’t work out enough” aren’t the motivators they SHOULD be to put the phone down.

Three Positive Benefits of Decreasing Mobile Screen Time

Here are a few of the positive benefits of using your mobile device less. Ideally, so the “less” becomes “more” for you!

Increased energy. We all need more energy and, truthfully, we’re all pretty fatigued. Energy doesn’t come from phone screen time. In fact, concentrating and focusing for extended periods of time on a little screen can make you tired, as it’s a lot of work. Two of the most reliable sources of energy are positive face-to-face experiences with other people and activities that require movement. If you put the phone in your pocket and connect with another person or do something with your body, you will notice an increase in your energy level. Movement causes the brain to release endorphins.

Usable time. While some phone usage is valuable, the vast majority of what we are actually doing on our phones is entertainment/social related: apps that let us see what everyone we know is doing, play games and stream video content. Think about all the usable time that’s being wasted! Thanks to our dependency on smartphones, we are seeing a new trend: people who have visions, passions, and goals to accomplish something meaningful are slowed down in their progress because the time is not there. The reality is that it’s actually there, but it’s in the form of less entertainment/social time on the phone. Look at your screen time like empty calories: they aren’t bad for you, but they aren’t helping you either. Prune back your phone screen time and use that to get moving on starting up your new business or pursuing your dream.

Self-acceptance. There is tons of research showing that, when we spend lots of time on our phones, we stray into comparisons with others: who is more successful, who has a better family, is better-looking, etc. This comparison can become never-ending and spirals downhill quickly.

Also, you almost NEVER come out happy with yourself. Stop comparing your life with the small pieces that others are choosing to share with you online. Instead, get more involved in your non-digital existence to reduce that debilitating feeling. You will be too busy living in the moment to compare yourself to anyone online!

Love your mobile device, but be in charge of it. Use it when necessary, but walk away from it when you can.