Archives for February 2019

Peace of Mind

February 26, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Peace of mind is one of the most important experiences we can have. It’s what I call a state of internal harmony. That is, no matter how stressful your circumstances, your mind is able to feel harmony, or in sync with its different aspects. It’s like the experience of being inside a well-built car while it’s moving at 70 miles an hour: though a lot of motion and noise are going on outside, at the same time, with the doors and windows shut, you can be in a quiet environment with just a little hum going on. All the various parts of the car are synced with each other and everything is running smoothly.

Unfortunately, peace of mind is often hard to come by. We live in an anxious age, where we often feel fear, debilitating anxiety, panic, and phobias. Nothing good comes from this. So here are some tips to help you develop better peace of mind.

Identify what is causing anxiety or a feeling of stress. Global anxiety is a vague sense of unease, and it’s hard to deal with. It’s always better to pinpoint exactly where the stress is coming from A financial issue? A work challenge? A family problem? A health situation? You will notice a decrease in anxiety, and an increase in peace, just from that simple step.

Take problem-solving steps. Even if a challenge can’t be totally solved, our peace increases when we take initiative and do some action steps to resolve them. The more passive we are, the more we live in our amygdala, and we become increasingly anxious to a sometimes overwhelming degree. Initiative and moving on something, almost anything positive really, will increase peace and move us from the amygdala mode to the pre-frontal cortex mode, where we are calmer and can think more clearly.

Pull away several times a day. Since we live in a highly stimulated world, our brains don’t have a chance to calm down and center ourselves naturally. So just make that a quick habit. Take a “pull away” break, one in the morning, one in the afternoon, and one in the evening, get away from the stress, and think about the actual good in your life (don’t make stuff up, I mean the actual good !): you have a body that works, you have people that care, you have choices and freedoms. This little habit will make a significant difference.

Call your resilience to mind. Resilience means that you’re strong enough to handle the hard stuff. You have a history of facing challenges. Remember your wins and recall that you have made it through other stressors.

Make vulnerable contacts. Every day, stress or no stress, have a brief supportive conversation with someone who cares about you, and whom you care about. Be vulnerable, meaning be open with the negatives: what is stressing you and what you fear. Don’t ask the other person for solutions. Instead, tell them you just want to know they “get it”, and have them convey that to you. Internal harmony comes from this sort of conversation, in which we experience that we aren’t alone.

Life will always be stressful to some degree. But work on experiencing the hum of that well-running engine in your head.

Career World from Job World: Following Your Passion

February 19, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Work is a major section of your life, taking up 40-60 hours a week, and for decades. It’s important, and you need to think through it objectively and make those decades produce something meaningful for you. But it’s sometimes difficult to know when it’s time to pull the trigger and make the transition from a job to a career.

A job matters in that it’s a way to pay the bills. It provides some security for you. However, a career not only provides the compensation, but also serves as a way to take your passions, develop them to a high level, produce a meaningful product or service, and develop yourself on a growth track along with way.

Fewer people are sticking with one successful career these days; there are too many opportunities to learn and grow in different areas. So be ready and agile for that possibility.

I am often asked the question of “how do I know when it’s time to quit my job and go for the career?” Here are the answers I provide, which are customized to different people’s situations:

Determine your passion. There is a percentage of people who unfortunately have to do things they are not interested in, to make a living. Don’t assume that you are in that group. Instead, go ahead and do a “passion search” to feel what you need to feel about your career: enthusiastic, curious, energized, losing time. The quickest way to do that is to search MyMajors.com for lots of areas and specific roles in which you might be interested. Beyond that, you’ll probably want to hire a career coach, who will have assessments and so much more information that you do. Very much worth it.

When you have researched where you want to go. Some people quit their job and then figure out the next step. I have seen it work from time to time, but not regularly. I recommend taking nights and weekends during your job weeks, and doing R&D on your desired career: read about it, talk to people, take courses, go to conferences. You may find that it’s not a good fit for you. Or you may find that you know a lot more about it and are ready to go.

When you know the players, and there is a position or a good chance of one. Jobs come and go. But you need steady people who are impressed with you and want to keep you around. I call these people “advocates”, and they will put energy into you getting the right position. Talk with them, meet anyone they want you to meet. They are feeding you opportunities.

When you can afford the move. It can be a scary time to go from an unsatisfying position which does provide a steady paycheck, to a gap where you’re not sure of anything. You’re letting go of one trapeze, and don’t see the next one! So have funds saved up to have a minimal existence for a few months, so you can survive and concentrate on the career. I recommend 90 days of survival living that will keep you alive and motivated.

The longitudinal research about the end of life studies the regrets people have when life is almost over. The conclusion is that 15% of us regret what we did, those bad decisions. And 85% of us regret what we didn’t do, taking that chance.

Best to you,

John Townsend, Ph.D.

How to Become More Self-Aware

February 14, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Have you ever made a mistake in relationships or at work, and then said to yourself, “I was clueless!” We all do, and it’s all tied up in having problems in being self-aware (of which cluelessness is a part). People who have healthy self-awareness tend to have better relationships, be generally more content, make better decisions, and focus better at work. And people who suffer from low self-awareness tend to not only make mistakes in life, but they repeat them and repeat them, even when those mistakes have a negative impact on those they care about. But things can change. Here are some tips to help increase your capacity to observe yourself.

Practice a mindfulness exercise. I have a habit that has paid off for my own self-awareness. On a daily basis, get a few minutes away from people and tech and ask yourself these 9 simple questions, takes about a minute:

What am I seeing?
What am I hearing?
What am I smelling?
What am I touching?
What am I tasting?
What positive feeling am I experiencing about myself?
What negative feeling am I experiencing about myself?
What positive feeling am I experiencing about someone else?
What negative feeling am I experiencing about someone else?

You will be surprised about how “in touch” you will become about your body and your interior life. There is a lot of information there to be aware of.

Develop the habit of asking “Why?” Curiosity is one of the highest level developers of self-awareness. It helps us search out our motivations behind our actions and cures cluelessness. When you make a mistake, instead of beating yourself up, or blaming others, just ask yourself “Why?” Why did I snap at her in the meeting? Why did I keep answering emails and avoid finishing the report? Why did I shut down and not say anything when I went out on that blind date? The very practice of “why” will help you figure out what kind of person you are, and help you make better decisions as well.

Deal with fear. Often, individuals with low self-awareness are afraid to stop and look in the mirror, for they fear they won’t like what they see. They don’t scrutinize their behavior or check out how they come across. Inside them, they are pretty sure the answer is painful, as in “I am a selfish failure who is useless to anyone in my life.” So they basically put the engine of life on autopilot, and run through their days running into things and people, but never stopping to figure it out. The answer here is to be able to tolerate the bad news about ourselves in the community of good people who won’t cast you aside and judge you.

Ask for feedback. Getting info from a few safe and honest people in your life can be extremely helpful in developing self-awareness. Simply say to them, “I’m working on improving my self-awareness. I’d like your opinion on situations when I seem to show a lack of awareness of how I’m coming across or impacting people.” I did this with my wife Barbi and she said, “When we are talking and you start thinking about something, you look over my shoulder.” I had no idea! Now I look at her eyes, and things are better.

Know thyself. It pays off.

Asking For Help

February 8, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Think about the last time you needed help in some situation, say something as simple as your smartphone battery dying and needing to borrow someone’s charger. Maybe it was easy to ask a friend for the charger. Or maybe you felt a bit uncomfortable in asking. Regardless, most of us hesitate, at some time or another, in requesting help and assistance from others. But the reality is humans need each other, every day and in lots of ways. We weren’t designed to be self-sufficient islands unto ourselves. Life goes better when we ask, and when others ask us. So here are a few tips to help you be a better “asker.”

Turn the tables in your mind. Think empathetically about how you feel when someone you care about asks you for advice or a cup of sugar. If you’re in a decent mood, you are most likely happy to provide that person with something. Helping is like Prozac for the mind. When we help, with a positive attitude, the famous oxytocin is released, and we feel happy, energetic and content. So the reverse is also true. When you ask others, you are creating a space for the other person to feel positive as well.

Value your life. If you are without something that’s important to you, you need to value your life enough that you will step out and ask another for help. People who don’t think much of themselves will often think, I’m high maintenance, I’m not worth it, and refrain from asking. But then they never get the assistance they need. Remember that your life and your contributions are important.

Don’t give up after one “no.” Sometimes people get discouraged after getting up the courage to ask, and then the other individual says no, like, “No, I don’t have time to help you work on your bike on Saturday.” But one “no” doesn’t tell the tale. Ask several people, it increases the odds that someone will say “yes.” One of my sons, Benny, is in commercial real estate financing. When he was first starting out, he was making 150 cold calls a day. The great majority of them said “no”, and often “hell no.” But Benny kept calling. I asked him at dinner how his day went, and he said, “Great day, I got 3 maybe’s and 147 no’s!”

Make sure you are not being truly high maintenance. It’s always good, if you’re not sure, to ask those in your life if you’re being too demanding of others time and energy. If we are going through a hard time, we may be doing it and not being aware of it. If that’s the case, then add more supportive people to the mix, so your friends don’t get burnt out during your long term difficult period. And also use what you are given. People don’t mind giving more when the other person is grateful, becomes empowered, makes good changes and improvements, etc.

Asking is good and healthy. So I’m asking you to share this blog with someone else to help them too! Take care.

Succeeding At Your New Job (Or Any Job)

February 1, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

So you’re gainfully employed! Congratulations on being part of the working world, and helping your product or service make the world a better place to live, for a reasonable return!

For many, however, the honeymoon is over. They feel they have an achievement ceiling over their heads, not enough resources, an unhealthy culture and an organization that is pointed the wrong way. This can be very unnerving and discouraging for someone who wants to perform in the greatest environment possible. Here are some tips to help:

Study and train in your area. Be the best you can be in your area. Read blogs and go to conferences. Ask people in your department to have coffee and ask them questions you need help in. You will not only make yourself more productive, but the message will get out to the culture that you are a go-getter who is giving a lot to the organization.

Connect with the team. Nothing helps you succeed better than having positive and trusting relationships with the team. They will help you achieve your goals and beyond. Don’t get stuck at your desk. Reach out to them, help them, have social time with them. No divas or isolates here!

Ask for things to do. Supervisors are always blown away by the questions “What else can I do?” They are always overwhelmed with projects and are surprised that you would actually come to ask them if you can help them. If you have the bandwidth do it every few weeks. I promise you will be noticed in a good way.

Ask for opportunities to grow and develop. Pick a conference and ask if they will pay for it. Let them know you want to grow to the next level of achievement.

Volunteer to help with the problems. See my second paragraph. Just pick one, and ask if you can get engaged to improve matters.

Success in a company, even a very flawed one, is a mixture of several interventions. Be there, work hard, ask to do more, and seek ways to improve. It will get noticed and rewarded.

Best,

John