Dr. John Townsend

Month: August 2019

  • People Fuel, Part 2: What We Need from Each Other

    People Fuel, Part 2: What We Need from Each Other

    Research shows us that the quality of our relationships is a major indicator of how our quality of life works out. Those who don’t have enough sustained and safe relationships tend to have more health, relationship, emotional and career challenges. Relationships aren’t a luxury, they are a necessity, right up there with food and shelter.

    In my new book People Fuel, I outline 4 Quadrants of what I call Relational Nutrients, that we are to regularly give and receive with each other. Just like our body needs bionutrients, neuroscience shows that these Relational Nutrients help our brains stay energetic, positive and focused. Only they don’t come in capsules. They are delivered via a face-to-face conversation, phone call, video, email or text. Here are the 4 areas:

    Quadrant 1: Be Present
    To be present means to “be there” and be personally and emotionally engaged with another person. Presence requires a few words, if any at all. When we are stressed or encountering challenges, sometimes advice is the last thing we need. But someone who can “enter our well” of challenge, can bring great benefit. This is because our most fundamental need is to know we are not alone, but that someone “gets it” about our situation. We need
    Nutrients such as Acceptance, which is connection without judgement, and Attunement, which is “tuning in” to our emotional state and understanding it.

    Quadrant 2: Convey the Good
    Sometimes we feel a bit discouraged or “down” from some difficult situation at home or at work. But when someone conveys that they see good character, effort and achievement in us, it helps release oxytocin, which elevates our mood. All we need in these situations is for someone to give us Affirmation that we’re doing our best, or Encouragement that they believe in us.

    Quadrant 3: Provide Reality
    Life can throw complex situations at us, and we don’t have a quick solution. Work can be challenging and confusing, as well as relationships. We often need the right information, data or wisdom from someone who is “for” us. The Nutrients of Perspective and Insight often provide us with a better approach to a problem, so we can solve it.

    Quadrant 4: Call to Action
    At the end of the day, we need to do something, not just think something. Our behavior needs to become activated, to take an action step. This is when great Advice, or a Structured plan make all the difference in seeing the changes we need to make, that will make life work better.

    Those are the Quadrants, and we need to receive and give Nutrients from each Quadrant pretty much every week.

    Here’s the challenge: You must own your need, and you must also ask for your need, from the right person. It doesn’t work to wait for people to read your mind and try to give you a Nutrient that you might not need. But if you ask the right people, they will most likely be happy to help you. And you can give back to them.

    We need to need. It’s how the world works! To get the whole list of all 22 Nutrients, get the book or just go to RelationalNutrients.com.

    Best,

    John

  • The Keys to Any Great Team

    The Keys to Any Great Team

    Life, job and just about anything work better when we’re on teams. There is an enormous amount of research on the power of great teamwork. Whether it be an executive group, a sales and marketing team, or a team of parents coordinating for a kids’ soccer league, teams make matters better. I never thought I would write a blog with the cliché, “Team Work makes the Dream Work”, but it’s actually true! We accomplish more together than by ourselves, and with the right teammates, we are also happier and more engaged.

    I’ll be writing a book on the power of teams, and here is my model of the 4 aspects of any great one. Check them out, and see which of the 4 is one you can implement within your own team to make things run lots better:

    Conviction: When we have conviction, we are guided by our mission and core values, as opposed to our feelings for the moment, or the stresses and glitches of the day. Teams that have conviction are clear in their mission, for example, “We are here to make Acme Tech more productive.” And they are clear on the “compass” of their values, such as excellence, quality and taking care of people. Great teams keep mission and values front and center. They talk about them. They make decisions based on them. They keep them relevant.

    Cohesiveness: A great team connects, which is what the word means, connection. They bond to each other and care about each other. There is a big difference between a team that is functionally cohesive, and one that is relationally cohesive. Functional cohesion is basically about reliability and dependability in task. It’s important and necessary. But functional cohesion alone will never create a great team, only a good one. A great team is not only functionally cohesive, but relationally cohesive, meaning personally and emotionally connected. The members are vulnerable with each other, with no fear of judgment or “scorekeeping.” They give and receive energy and positivity with each other.

    Clarity: Teams need role clarity. Each person needs to know what their tasks and job description are, and how to stay in their lane. Then they are more effective and efficient. And you avoid the problem of someone neglecting what is unique to their responsibilities, and going to a lane where the other person is already working. Which sort of annoys the other person as well. Clarity is king.

    Candor. When a team has conviction, cohesiveness and clarity, these make it safe enough to have the honest and frank conversations. A great team gives and receives feedback that is both positive and negative, though respectful as well. We benefit when someone says, “Hey, we have a problem here.” You don’t want the mission to be sidelined because no one spoke up, for fear of disrupting things. Candor helps a team disrupt in a positive direction.

    Teams are a great way to not only get things done, but to also feel like you’re part of something larger than you, and that has purpose. Here’s to your great team.

    John

  • Resilience: The Skills To Help You Bounce Back

    Resilience: The Skills To Help You Bounce Back

    Have you ever noticed that some people can have a setback and shrug it off, while the same setback can pretty much “tank” another person for a very long time? Whether we’re talking about relationship challenges, financial problems, emotional issues or health problems, the difference is an ability called resilience, which I define as the capacity to adapt to a stressor, and return to normal functioning. By “normal functioning” I mean a positive mood vs depression, good energy levels vs debilitating fatigue and the ability to maintain one’s relationships and work habits. It’s encouraging to know also that resilience is not as much an inherent gift that some people have, as it is a set of learnable skills that we can all apply. Here are some keys to bouncing back:

    Stay (or become) connected vulnerably to a few good people. The neuroscience research is overwhelming about this. There is no way to overestimate the power of attachments with a few people you can open up to, and be supported by. My new bestselling book People Fuel has lots of information about the skills to do this.

    Become engaged in the meaningful. Stressors have a way of “owning” our time and focus. Like a dog gnawing on a bone, our brains often obsess and chew on the loss or challenge, for way too much time in our day. They can create high anxiety and fatigue. So, while you can’t make yourself completely stop thinking about the stressor, you can make sure most of your day is spent engaging and being involved in what matters to you: meaningful work, people you care about, working out, good meals and positive activities.

    Move into structure. A regular and somewhat predictable daily structure is very good for you too. When New Yorkers experienced the 911 terrorist attacks, researchers found that the survivors of that tragedy did better when they returned to work soon. Knowing what time their meetings, calls and breaks were scheduled for, helped their brains regulate and establish a sense of control.

    Get yourself off the hook. Guilt plays a big part in stress. We often blame ourselves 100% for something we are 2% responsible for, and we beat ourselves up day after day. While we are always supposed to take responsibility for any mistakes we have made, apologize, and change our behavior, we shouldn’t take ownership for things we haven’t done. So write down what percent of the stressor is from you, what percent is from other people, and what percent is just from living in an imperfect world. Get in balance with responsibility, and your guilt will diminish. And for the percent that is yours, experience the great gift of forgiveness and acceptance for your imperfections.

    Resilience can help you pretty quickly begin feeling, thinking and acting in your normal patterns again. Best wishes.

    John