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6 Ways We Can Learn to Trust Again

July 16, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We are born trusting. In the beginning, we put our trust in our parents and relatives to care for us, love us, and keep us alive. Yes, these are basic needs, but they are also important ones!

Unfortunately, over time, something happens.

We get let down. We get left out. We go through a break-up or betrayal. The hard truth is that a lot of things just happen in our lives that cause us to lose trust in others. Knowing this, is it even possible to learn to trust again?

Yes. You can trust again!

Defining Trust is a Must

How do we define trust?

Trust is allowing someone to know our vulnerabilities. It’s about revealing our soft spots, failures, pain, negatives, and weaknesses. When you allow someone to see the real you, it’s a way of saying, “I trust you with this information, and I believe that you’re not going to do something hurtful to me with it.”

In the Bible, one of the translations for the word “trust” in Hebrew is “to be careless.” This means that you have so much trust in someone that you’re just careless with them. You don’t worry about saying the right thing. There is no walking on eggshells. There is no fear. You are truly yourself when you show that vulnerability and trust.

This “carelessness” comes from knowing that, no matter what, you are safe with this person you trust. When someone violates that trust or exposes one of the “secret parts” of ourselves that we don’t share with everyone, it hurts. Sometimes deeply.

That betrayal is what I call a trust fracture. How do trust fractures happen? Unfortunately, trust can be broken in a number of ways, especially as we grow older.

Divorce, problems with an adult child, challenges at work, friendship drama, and disappointment are all common culprits of trust fractures. How we approach rebuilding trust after it fractures that makes all the difference.

The Two Big Don’ts in Trusting

Two different outcomes can happen when someone breaks our trust. Sadly, sometimes these trust fractures happen more than once and we experience a hurtful pattern from the same person. Small breaches in confidence add up! Once those breaches happen, it can be hard to trust anyone, whether they’re a longtime friend or someone new.

Big Don’t #1: We don’t trust anyone.

When we lose trust, we often default to not trusting ANYONE. That’s not good at all. You need safe people in your life and that means having trust in them. They’ll give you the right nutrients for a happier and more trusting life. (Information on how to identify the safe people in your life is in my blog post here.)

Big Don’t #2: We trust everyone (but shouldn’t)

Or, conversely, we trust TOO quickly. When people let us down or are inconsistent, we can sometimes forgive and forget without sitting back and thinking, “Let me discern if you’re gonna really change your ways here.”

Then, the cycle repeats.

Trusting everyone or trusting no one at all is not a healthy way to work through losing trust. You end up in a passive permanent state where you wait for people to come to you. That won’t give you the nutrients you need at all.

6 Ways to Learn to Trust Again

The good news is that you can learn to trust again, no matter how deep the fracture, if both people agree to change (and actually do).

Repairing a trust fracture won’t happen overnight. It is going to be hard work, too. It takes time to rebuild trust or to initially put your trust in someone after a pattern of broken promises. But, if you follow these steps, you will be in a prime position to start trusting again.

Count The Cost. By not trusting anyone, consider these questions: What am I missing out on? Am I lonely? Am I lacking energy? Healthy boundaries are one thing. They help us with trusting people. But, when you put up too many boundaries to the point of isolation, you lose out on the potential for the nutrients needed for a happier life.
Don’t Be Afraid. A big step toward rebuilding trust or putting your trust in someone new is overcoming the fear-need complex. It’s something in our head that says, “I’m afraid of needing people so I won’t need them. But, then I feel like I really need them and I get afraid.” It’s a hard, back and forth internal struggle. Let the need overcome that fear.

Stick Your Toe in the Water. Take a small risk with someone NEW and see what happens. Allow someone to see a small mistake you made and be vulnerable. This is what happens right after you work through the fear I mentioned in #2.

Pick the Right People to Trust. Trusting someone is hard, so don’t make it harder than it has to be. Make sure people deserve your trust. You’ve got to make sure the people you’re surrounding yourself with are not going to intentionally betray your trust I always stress the need to identify safe people and trust is a big part of that concept.

Treat Others as You Want to Be Treated. Trust is truly a two-way street. The foundation of trust is built when you treat someone well, regardless of what they can or can’t do for us. Start to look out for them, start to put their needs in front of your own. It’s a lot easier to build trust with someone who shows consistent, good behavior toward us. It’s also a way to show the other person how they can build trust with you!

Balance Strength & Vulnerability. A strong person is one who can be vulnerable with others. Meaning, strength comes from being able to trust someone. For example, if you tell someone you want to trust that you’re feeling anxious about a situation at work and they give you warmth in response, that’s a show of strength. It is not weak to show vulnerability. Quite the opposite in fact. Keep in mind, this is not the kind of strength that dominates people or controls them, but the kind of strength that is balanced with being vulnerable.

It takes a lot of work to build trust, and even more, work to build it back up after a trust fracture. Trust is not something that should be given freely (meaning just to anyone). It should be earned.

School Shootings: How You Can Think and Act About Them

July 13, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Some of the most heartbreaking and disturbing feelings you can experience are in the aftermath of the tragedy of a school shooting.

It is something we were not designed to handle, as the depth of the loss is intense. The feelings we have tend to be a combination of horror, sadness, anger and being overwhelmed.

We are horrified by knowing kids, our most vulnerable population, are being killed. Our sadness is a reflection of our compassion for these children and their families, in which life has been marked forever. Anger comes against the murderer, creating a desire for justice. And the overwhelmed part is because there is so much division in our country about what can solve this.

There are some ways to think about this controversial issue, and some things we can do, that will help. Here are some tips:

Get clear.

Neuroscience teaches us that our minds do not do well in an overwhelmed state. When we see a video of a shooting and then feel the emotions I described, our brains go into the amygdala mode, which is our reactive, fight-or-flight mode. The strength of these strong and conflicting emotions can, over time, keep us upset, feeling paralyzed, and not being able to let this go and deal with our normal lives.

This is no solution for how to solve the issue, nor is it one what is good for your personal life either. So get clear: make sure you are talking to safe people in your life who can really hear how much emotion you feel. You don’t want to be alone with those feelings.

Also, study the issue, don’t ignore it. Ignorance adds to the confusion, and information clarifies. Figure out which of the experts and solutions make sense to you. Take a stance, even though it isn’t perfect. You will simplify your mind’s clarity and be able to handle what you think about the situation.

Think in terms of balance.

We need to deal with the symptom of the problem, which is that, in the current environment, our schools need systems for protection and security. And we need to deal with the causes as well. There are several causes that are being investigated, with mental illness, gun control, and criminal behavior being some of the most discussed ones.

An approach that only addresses the symptoms is bound to ultimately fail, as is the cause-focused approach as well. If a doctor has a patient with a raging fever, she will certainly give him something for his discomfort, but she will also examine him for a bacterial, viral, or other cause, to solve the underlying problem.

Don’t be the hand-wringer. Be a solver.

Unfortunately, we tend to move into “it’s all going to hell in a handbasket” conversations when we see the horror and devastation of these school shooting tragedies. We certainly all need time and conversations to process this, in order to digest the data in our brains.

But, once you have done that, stay away from those conversations that don’t go anywhere after a while, except into helplessness and bitterness. They aren’t good for you or the schools.

I was at a dinner of friends recently where a few people got into the topic, and it was going nowhere except into more unproductive, helpless and angry feelings. Then, one of the people in the group said, “We’ve talked about this a lot, and it’s important. Can we either come up with our ideas for solutions or change the subject?” The result was that several people had some good ideas, and it became a more helpful conversation.

Our kids and our schools deserve the most thoughtful solutions possible. We need to all look for answers.

Here Are 3 Tips for Healthy Parenting

July 9, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

No doubt about it – parenting is a vast undertaking! I have two sons of my own. Trust me, I know that raising a child can be a tough but rewarding journey with a lot of responsibility. No matter how prepared you feel before your kid is born, you quickly learn that you have a lot to learn! Good thing making mistakes are a natural part of life!

Being a parent is very complicated because you have to raise this little person who is in your controlled home environment for 18 years. After that, they emerge as an adult and are hopefully ready to take on the world.

Part of being a healthy parent is learning to deal with failure. You can read more about how to work through it on one of my previous blog posts.

There is a lot of pressure put on parents to be perfect. This might be pressure you feel from other parents, or even yourself depending on the situation. It’s impossible to be a perfect parent! You can be a healthy parent, though.

So, what does great parenting look like?

Your job as a parent is to teach your child what it means to be someone who can handle the demands of reality, including finding their passion, having great relationships, and learning how to navigate the ups and downs that come with living.

Is there really a “wrong way” to parent?

I’m sure many of you are hoping that the answer is no – there is no “wrong way” to parent. Sorry – that’s not the case here! Unfortunately, there are some ways people approach child-rearing that doesn’t really work.

When you don’t give your child unconditional warmth (love) or structure, you’re setting yourself up for a dysfunctional relationship down the road. To be a successful adult, a child needs to have a steady relationship based on trust, and know that they are living in a home where they are loved and accepted no matter what.

Believe it or not, if you don’t implement structure or rules in your home, you could be unintentionally creating a culture of entitlement, which you definitely do not want. Who wants to raise a child who feels like the world owes them something?

In my book, “The Entitlement Cure,” I talk about how I raised my own children with warmth and structure. Here’s an excerpt:

“I had told our kids in a thousand ways, ‘as you go through life with us, you will need a lot of things. You’ll get what you need — things like love, food, shelter, safety, values, structure, faith, opportunity, and an education. We are committed to seeing that you get what you need. But we also want you to know that you really don’t deserve anything. You can’t demand a toy, a phone, a laptop, or a car. That attitude won’t work with us. Need, yes; deserve, not so much.’”

As a parent, your ultimate goal should be for your child to be autonomous from you, especially financially. If you don’t have structure or warmth, you could be setting yourself up for having to continue parenting long after your child leaves the nest. For example, if you have too much structure, your child may take that as a sign that everything they do in life must adhere to strict standards. That’s not healthy. Again, no one is perfect.

3 Tips for Healthy Parenting

Now that we’ve talked a little bit about the wrong way to parent, let’s focus on a few ways to do parenting right. If these suggestions are new to you, do not fret – you aren’t alone! It seems to me that all parents are making it up as they go along, and most of us are just trying to do our best. You aren’t perfect and that’s okay!

Here are three tips for a healthy parent-child relationship that I’ve learned by raising my own kids and coaching thousands of other parents on healthy parenting.

Marry warmth and structure with warmth being dominant. While you need a healthy balance between warmth and structure, warmth has to take a dominant role. A child has to know that, no matter what, you’re for them and love them. Warmth is a number one priority, with the structure being a close second. Integrate and balance them. But, remember warmth first.
Keep the future in mind. We’ve already established that no parent, no matter how hard you try, is going to be perfect. You’re going to make mistakes and that’s okay. It’s part of the job. It’s about how what you do now is going to impact what he or she does when they are an adult. It’s always about the future, so don’t just try to solve the crisis at hand. Pick your battles wisely.
Commit yourself. Everyone has a unique experience growing up. The best thing you can do is reflect on your own upbringing and commit to being a better parent than you had.

You’re still going to make mistakes because parenting is a messy process. That’s okay! Remember to be intentional with your parenting. Be warm. Provide structure and unconditional support.

Why the Family Separation/Detention Issue Touches Us

July 6, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

The debate over immigration in the US is fierce and complex, and the issue of families being separated has taken the intensity to a new level. People are polarized on their views of this. No matter what you believe the solutions should be, you cannot help but feel deeply that this matters. Here are some thoughts about this, and what you can do to make sense of things.

We think in terms of family. Our minds are designed so that we are a family-oriented species. We started in a family, we grew up in a family, and most of us create our own families. A family is where life starts and is developed. We hope to end our lives in the company of those family members we have loved for years. Even those of us who had struggling families still have a hope and a desire for a better and more loving family down the line. We are even interested in others’ families, and how healthy they are. It’s just in our DNA. We can’t ignore the reality and importance of family.

Vulnerability requires priority. The younger the child in a family, the more they must take a high priority in any decision. Developmentally, younger children do not have the internal fortitude or skills to handle the stresses of life. On a neurological level, their brains are unformed and vulnerable. That is why however this issue plays out, we must always put those who are less “able” at a high priority. The imprinting of both healthy and harmful experiences will affect the entire lifetime of a young child, so we must have a focus on helping that go right.

We want to help, but don’t know how. Millions of us read about and view the issue, and go away feeling a bit helpless, like “I can’t do anything about this.” That sense of helplessness conflicts with our natural compassion for safe families where the young are protected. Those two feelings do not go together. That is why the best route is to do something helpful, wherever you are on the debate. Read up on it. Investigate both sides without a bias. Get in touch with the decisionmakers on the position you have worked out for yourself, and ask them how you can help.

Families cannot be ignored, because we can’t ignore a part of ourselves. Pay attention to the issue, and support the best solution.

3 Ways to Keep Anxiety From Taking Control of Your Life

June 26, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Everyone feels anxious every now and again. Anxiety is just a fact of life and a perfectly normal emotion. Unfortunately, though, certain life events can lead us to feel a little more than just normal anxiety. These events might include your children getting married and starting families, the death of a loved one, job loss or transition.

All of these life events can cause an overwhelming sense of dread, which is not a healthy way to go through life.

What Does Anxiety Feel Like?

Anxiety, as an emotion, can stem from anything that is stressful or disconcerting. These days, some people experience this emotion simply by watching the news for a few minutes!

So, what happens when you experience anxiety physically?

First, you enter a heightened state of consciousness. You’re more alert.
Second, you feel some kind of fear about the future or the situation. There’s a dread, like something bad is coming.
Third, you have a fear and must be ready for action. That’s where the body gets involved. Your heart beats faster and you’re breathing faster because you’re preparing to get out of danger. Think of it like the “fight or flight” methodology.

Before I talk about the right way to approach feelings of anxiety, I want to first tell you about a few wrong ways approaches to anxiety.

Don’t ignore your anxiety! Despite what you may think, “I gotta just push through” mentality is not healthy. It’s a really bad idea to ignore your anxiety because the emotion is trying to tell you something. Ignoring anxiety can potentially lead to bad decisions, poor choices, and even health problems.

Similarly, stop shaming yourself about anxiety. Don’t make yourself feel bad for experiencing this very normal emotion. Don’t shame yourself and say, “I shouldn’t be feeling like this, I’m being a wimp, I’m being a kid.” No more shaming! Your anxiety is a valid emotion!

3 Healthy Ways to Overcome Anxiety

So far, we’ve agreed to stop ignoring and shaming our anxiety. Now, let me share some healthy ways to deal with anxiety.

Be in a relationship. This can be any relationship with someone who knows you deal with anxiety. Find three or four friends who you can reach out to and say, “From time to time, I deal with anxiety and I need to know I can call you and just say, ‘Can we talk, can you kind of get me off the ledge?'” This must be a relationship where you can comfortably express your feelings. Part of this relationship will require them to give you advice or guidance like, “Why don’t you go jog or go pray?” or something like that. Whatever they suggest should help get your emotions out of the cycle of anxiety by suggesting other activities.
Give yourself a pep talk. I am a huge advocate of taking a moment and reciting the Serenity Prayer to yourself. Say to yourself, “God help me to know the difference between the things I can change, and can’t change, and wisdom to know the difference.” This may seem like a small thing, but it can help change your mindset and start moving forward out of your anxious emotion.
See a therapist. If your anxiety reaches a point where it becomes unmanageable, including impacting your work or home life, it’s time to seek professional help. They can help you sort through what’s going on and what’s driving your anxiety. You can also consider seeing a psychiatrist for medication.

Hard times and anxiety come and go. When you start to feel those anxious emotions, it’s very important to take steps to overcome anxiety before it gets the best of you and disrupts your life in a way that can’t be fixed. I believe you have the faith, hope, and love to overcome anxiety and any other challenge you’re facing.

4 Principles for Choosing the Right People

June 25, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

There is something vital we must understand about the people we have relationships with: much of our pain in life is caused by the people we choose.

Consider these questions:

Are you experiencing the same problems or feelings that you’ve experienced in previous relationships?
Do you find that you continually pick people to fall in love with or become close friends with who hurt you in some way?
Do you find yourself wondering if there are any “good ones” out there?
Do you often go through periods of emotional turmoil as a result of choosing someone who wasn’t good for you?
Is “How did I get myself into this?” a frequent question you ask yourself?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of those questions, you are not alone! A lot of people can relate to these feelings!

Their personal and professional relationships often are lacking in some way, leaving them to wonder why they end up in the situations they do. They wonder what they are doing wrong, why they “deserve” to be treated in such a way, and if it can ever be any different. Sound like anyone you know?

What Makes a Good Choice?

The truth is that poor relational choices are self-inflicted, but can be changed with a little work.

Most people find themselves in one rotten relationship after another, and don’t stop to analyze why they make these choices. They just assume they are unlucky and forget considering there may be a better way to make choices in relationships.

Before we talk about choosing the right people, though, let’s look at hurtful selections people make.

What makes a poor choice? In a word—character.

The quality of someone’s makeup determines whether or not they’ll be good (or in some cases bad) in a relationship. We are attracted to someone’s outsides: their looks, status, intelligence, and personal and professional achievements. However, we experience their insides: their character. The character makeup of a person determines what they’ll be like in a relationship.

If they do not have the ability to do certain things that require good character, then they won’t be able to be good in relationships. It’s that simple!

4 Principles for Choosing the Right People

Relational problems occur when one or both of the participants are unable to meet the realistic demands of a relationship. This usually is because they are emotionally undeveloped in certain areas. And the result is a lot of pain caused by unmet basic needs.

Now that we’ve framed the problem, let’s look at four principles that will help you choose the right person, be the right person, and develop healthy relationships.

#1: Connection

A relationship is first and foremost about emotional connection. Our attachments to others are called “bonds,” and they are created and maintained by someone’s ability to share and connect from the heart, with all of its emotional vulnerabilities and tender feelings.

Many people can relate on a superficial and social level. But in a long-term relationship of any kind, it becomes increasingly important for you to be able to share your heart with someone, and have your heart be safe with that other person. When evaluating people that you are going to give your heart to, be careful to see if they can respond responsibly to your vulnerability and feelings! Make sure you are not creating a one-sided relationship and that they can also share their own heart with you. That mutual sharing is how bonds are built and maintained.

When determining whether or not someone would be “right” to connect with, ask yourself these questions:

Can they listen and empathize with your feelings and vulnerabilities?
Can they share on an emotional level?
Do you go away from time with them feeling like you have connected, or do you feel alone in th relationship?
Is there a high level of assurance that your bond will be protected?

Asking yourself these questions will help ensure that you are creating mutually beneficial relationships instead of one-sided ones.

#2: Boundaries

Another important aspect of a healthy relationship is to respect each other’s personal boundaries.

One way you can tell if someone respects your personal boundaries is whether you feel free to be in control of your own person, or whether you feel invaded, or controlled, by the other person when you are with them. A healthy person will respect your wishes to be in control of yourself. They allow you to freely choose what you want to do, or what you don’t do, without any pressure.

Do they become unreasonable when you refuse to do something? Can they allow you to be separate from them and have your space? Do they see you as an extension of themselves, in some way, and feel they have a right to control you and do whatever they want with you?

Consider the following questions:

Do they pressure you into spending too much of your time with them, or can you say “no” to their wishes and still be accepted?
Do they push in other areas, such as the physical area, in a dating relationship?
Can they hear and respect your “no” when they push you further than you want to go?
Do they allow you the freedom to have different opinions, values, and wishes than they do, or do you feel like you have to somehow be a “clone” of what they want you to be?
Do you feel like your choices are respected, or do you feel like there is only one “will” in the relationship?
Is it “their way or the highway?”

These are hard questions to answer, but it’s extremely important to have boundaries in a healthy relationship.

#3: Perfectionism

Raise your hand if you are perfect. What, no hands? That’s because everyone makes mistakes! What matters in a relationship is how each person reacts to those mistakes. Another important area to consider is the way a relationship handles the imperfections of each partner.

In this world, we aren’t going to be perfect, or find a perfect person to love. Expecting yourself or your partner to be perfect is unrealistic! What is realistic is having a good understanding of how each person deals with the imperfections in the relationship.

Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt some pressure to be “ideal” or perfect? The fallout of that kind of relationship can be difficult at best, and disastrous at worst. If you stay in a relationship that requires you to “be perfect,” you can end up feeling like it is not OK to be yourself, to be real with your faults and imperfections, and to make mistakes. That is not the kind of feeling you want!

In dating relationships, perfectionism can be displayed in the pressure to look or act a certain way so your partner will be happy with you. In friendships, it can be the pressure to not make mistakes or let them down. In parent-child relationships, it can be to be the ideal “trophy” child, making a parent happy by living up to unrealistic expectations.

Think about these questions:

Is it OK with your partner when you are “less than ideal”? What happens when you gain a few pounds or don’t look exactly like your partner wants you to? Or if you are not as successful as an “ideal” partner would be?
When you make a mistake, do you feel the freedom to confess to them that you failed?
Are you free to be your total real self with your partner? Can you reveal your faults and parts of yourself that aren’t so great?
Are there “image pressures” in the relationship? Do you feel the pressure to appear to be something that you aren’t, and wish that you could just be yourself?

It’s impossible to be perfect, and it’s important to learn from your mistakes so you can grow. Make sure you are in a relationship with someone who will support you through your mistakes. Chances are you will both learn and grow from them!

#4: Equality

The last quality we will look at is the ability for significant others to see you as an equal in the relationship.

Difficult relationships often have a dynamic called “one up/one down.” One partner always has to be the boss in the relationship, and is the self-appointed “parent.” They relate to the other primarily in terms of “shoulds,” telling them what they should do and not do.

This works well for a young child and a parent, but in adult friendships, dating relationships, and marriages, it fails if one partner is not seen as worthy of respect.

In short, it has to do with being dominated. Dominating relationships are very immature and lead to stunted emotional growth in both people. These relationships may be comfortable but are more often miserable and extremely limiting. And being under the control of another person doesn’t lead to intimacy (trust me).

When determining if your relationship has equality problems, consider these questions:

Do you feel that the other person always has to be in the superior position?
Do you frequently feel like a child around them?
Do you feel dominated and put down, even in a nice way?
Is there a judgmental quality to your relationship?

These character issues help relationships last and grow. No matter how attractive someone is, or how much we like them, if they have the character problems we just looked at, you are looking for trouble. In choosing your next significant relationship, consider these traits as carefully as you look at whatever else draws you to the person.

The Work is Worth the Effort

It would be nice to spot those red flag issues we’ve been discussing and steer clear of problem people, but none of us are certain how a person is going to react to certain situations. Today they may seem like a person who has a healthy respect for boundaries, but six months from now may be hoarding all your time and attention. None of us can evaluate another perfectly. But we can get better at it! The way we learn how to find the right people to have a healthy relationship with is only partly based on knowledge.

The biggest part of the solution has to do with our own character. To pick people of good character, we have to first become a person of healthy character. To find someone who can connect, we have to connect. To relate to someone with good boundaries, we have to have good boundaries of our own. To be with someone who is real, we have to grow past our own perfectionism.

The process by which we make the necessary changes in our own character is called spiritual growth. As we grow inside to become the person we were created to be, we find that we have better and better character ourselves, and as a result, make better choices in significant relationships. This requires work in our spiritual lives and makeup, and that’s not an easy process. But for those who have taken this challenge, they find that the work is worth the effort.

Need some help developing your character? Find a good community where you can learn how to grow in your ability to connect, be free from the control of others, be real, and be equal. Develop your spiritual life in such a community, as you learn to relate to your God and others in a deeper way. The lifelong rewards will surprise you.