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Challenging Self-Judgment

March 26, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Self-judgment is an attack on the self by the self.

Or, rather, it’s an attack on you by you.

I know I’m sounding kind of weird or clinical here, but that’s the definition.

We all have a judge inside and he or she is not necessarily a bad person. That judge is able to evaluate and monitor your actions. For example, when leaving a party, you think to yourself, “How was I? Was I too loud? Was I kind? Was I interested? Did I make it about me?” That’s good judgment. That’s a valuation judgment so you act like a nice person and have great relationships.

The judge in our head is supposed to be two things-it’s supposed to be accurate and warm. It’s not supposed to beat you up.

We often get caught in the trap of just trying to ignore it. That’s about as effective as saying try not to think about a purple elephant right now.

Conversely, one healthy way to deal with self-judgment is to figure out where it’s coming from. Did it come from an authority figure, a parent, a coach, a teacher, a spiritual director? Where did that come from? That helps you to identify that this isn’t just you. It came from people that maybe had a lot of influence in my life.

Check out my recent blog on safe people to learn more about how external forces can shape your inner dialogue.

Who Are “Safe People?”

March 9, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Simply put, a safe person is someone who influences you to be the person you were designed to be. It’s just that simple. It’s a person in your life who influences you. They encourage you.

Safe people are the engine that helps influence and structure the person you were designed to BE. Not the person you are NOW. I hope I’m safe for some people and I’ve got safe people around me.

Let me give you just a brief list of the nutrients that people provide for us. They accept us. They don’t judge us. They know, even with our flaws and our failings and our fears, that they’re okay with us and we’re okay with them. Safe people give us the truth. Sometimes they give us hard feedback. Safe people give us the tough talk we need sometimes.

On the other hand, the wrong kinds of people can really help you make the worst decisions.

When you meet certain people, do you feel like you need a nap afterward? I want my people in my life after I’ve been around them, to feel energized like, “Okay, I’m a better person. They have influenced me and I’ve influenced them to be the person we were designed to be.”

When you’re around people that bring you down, you don’t feel like yourself anymore or like you’ve fallen backward. You want to always be moving forward.

Here’s the problem: sometimes we don’t know how to pick. Sometimes, we pick the wrong people. Some of us have a little neon sign on our forehead that says, “Hi, 1-800-use-me.” We don’t pick people. Instead, people pick us because we’re useful, helpful, loving, and all that.

I want to help you change that.

Grace and Truth

March 2, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Grace and truth are vital parts of your spiritual and personal growth.

First, let’s talk about grace. Grace is that the other person is for us. They’re on our side. That “for” could be a lot of things. It can be acceptance, support, good listening, or it could be encouragement.

Truth is information. It’s facts. It’s data. It’s reality. Truth comes from so many sources. Truth comes from the Bible. Something good or something you need to change.

Think about how these work for a second. See, grace really means something when someone goes into the negative aspects of who you are. The judged aspects, the embarrassing aspects, the shameful aspects. When you feel grace from that, you really understand grace.

In relationships, grace and truth are essential nutrients for growth. It takes a lot for a person to grow emotionally and relationally. It’s just like all the nutrients we need to take in through food and supplements.

We talk about protein, carbs, fat, vitamins and minerals. Just like our body needs those categories to take in and eat, you have to have grace and truth for the rest of your life to grow.

One of the ways to understand the relationship between the two is that truth is sort of like a protective framework or a skeleton. Grace is the heart of who you are, while truth is the strong framework that keeps it from being hurt or damaged. Truth protects us.

Grace without truth is a lot more fun, but grace without truth really leads to license and chaos. You got to have both.

The relationship between grace and truth is very important. Make sure, when you’ve got truth to tell someone, that you express it within a context of grace, “I’m for you,” and listening to them so they understand and feel. Convey that you’re for them in your body language, the words you use, empathy, and your eye contact. When you express it to them in a way they can understand it, you’ll get a lot more change, openness, and positive feelings back from them because you had grace.

The Two Types of Growth

January 14, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Life is all about self-improvement and growth. The happiest and most successful people have some structured commitment to a growth process.

It’s critical for you to understand these two types of growth in your own journey.

Optimizing Growth. I am referring here to the fact all of us have potential to do something or become someone at a higher level than we are currently. We were designed to reach our full potential and maximize our impact on the world.

Some examples of optimizing growth would be: identifying and developing your gifts and talents, finding your innate passions in work or service, landing on your mission in life, having great family and friend relationships, and being as in-shape and healthy as possible.

Some context for optimizing growth might be joining a career development group, hiring a coach, learning a sport or musical instrument, or starting a life team for personal growth.

Healing Growth. Everyone has problems. We’re all healing from something. Some are minor, others are major. This might refer to depression, anxiety, substance issues, addictions or relational struggles. Great healing is possible and probable when we pay attention to these in a structured context. The clinical and neurobiological research areas are very helpful here as well.

Your Personal Growth Strategy

December 27, 2017 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

During year’s end, and often in the early parts of the new year, most leaders do some sort of long-range planning so that things will be more productive, fruitful or profitable over time. This is where strategies and new approaches can really pay off for both the leader and the organization. Thoughtful evaluation, analysis, and strategies are keys to all levels of success.

And yet there is also a living, breathing person underneath your leadership hat. That person is you. Just as your organization needs long-term growth planning, so do you!

The return on investment is great for the leader who takes a little time out to plan a personal growth strategy. What do we mean by, “personal growth strategy?” Basically, it involves addressing your spiritual, relational and emotional life in ways that will help you grow and be a better, more fulfilled and productive person. Leaders who do tasks well, but neglect their internal worlds, are often ultimately in jeopardy in both areas. So it pays off to take a look at your life below the hat. Here are some tips and guidelines for doing that.

Go deeper than the obvious. Often, when working on the personal arena, leaders will assume they need to look at activities such as losing weight, working out, spending more time with spouses and kids, having regular devotionals, and getting involved in a small group. While these are important matters, it would be helpful to add to them some deeper elements of growth which drive your activities, your vision, and life. Don’t avoid areas of struggle that you find keep you from being the leader you would like to be.

For example, ask yourself:

-What is the quality of my relationships at work and in life? Am I able to open up and be vulnerable to those who are safe? Or is it hard for me to trust others?

-What is the place of relationship at work for me? Do I get more into the “task” end of things, and forget the feelings of others? Or do I have the opposite problem?

-How honest am I in my relationships? Do I avoid confronting others when it is needed? Or am I able to be direct and loving with people in my life?

-Can I make my choices even when it disappoints others? Am I able to freely make the right decisions, based on God, wisdom and good values? Or do I find myself caught not wanting others to have negative reactions to me?

Once you have found a few of these that mean something to you, you are on the way! You are now addressing concerns that affect your leadership, and all aspects of life.

Get resourced. The fact that you have identified areas of growth for yourself means something important: that you haven’t attained what you want in these areas yet. And that probably also means that you can’t pull this off, in your own strength, willpower and resolve. So give up on trying harder! It’s overrated: “What I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do (Rom. 7:15).” The answer is to reach outside of yourself and get resourced. Ask God for His help, by Word, and by Spirit. Go to experienced guides and mentors who have been down the road in your area of concern. Find books, groups, and information on your issues. There is a wealth of resourcing available. No more Lone Ranger growth.

Make your plans and goals. By the end of ’18, what would you like to look back on and see? A significant increase in how you trust, and in your ability to choose safe people? A better balance of being both relational and task-oriented as a leader? Is it easier to confront and be honest with others? Can you let down people and still make the right decisions?

These sorts of goals aren’t highly quantifiable, as revenues, profits, and numbers of people in a ministry might be. But if you pay attention to these, and listen to the feedback of others, you will see real change.

Here is an example of a plan: Say you want to become more vulnerable and accessible to those around you. You read up, pray up, and start meeting regularly with those who know these matters.

You let them know why this is hard for you, and what you may fear, or not have the ability to do. These people surround you, make it safe for you, practice opening up with you, and give you grace and feedback. You find that you are able to open up more, and you bring that ability from your support network to your family and trusted work relationships. They give you positive feedback (hopefully!) and the cycle continues. It’s a little different from a spreadsheet, but the point is this: your personal growth efforts should bear fruit in change that you and that others will see and experience.

So carve out some “growth hours” for yourself and see a difference in ’18. God bless you.

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion; until the day of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1:6

Listening Well

December 16, 2017 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Successful people generally share several key traits. One of those is being a good listener.

But, how do you become a good listener? It doesn’t happen overnight and there’s no magic switch.

Start by taking the initiative to enter the point of view of those around you. That is the essence of good listening and a form of empathy. It’s just a basic human need, like air or water. It is the art of understanding how others experience reality.

You have to get out of your opinion and into theirs, at least temporarily. This is hard work for anyone because you have to wear both hats. These tips will help you be a great listener:

Ask someone how they’re doing. Don’t wait for them to come up and tell you what’s going on.
Ask open-ended questions. For example, “How’s it going?” is better than, “things are good, right?”
Ask a few times. Ask follow-up questions. That conveys you really want to hear their experience and they are much more likely to tell you what’s really going on.
When you get the info, find how they feel before providing a solution. Instead of, “OK, try this solution”, say, “That must be frustrating” or “I’d be overwhelmed myself” or “That would bug me too.” You have just entered a place inside their heads where few people go and you have now become a significant person for them.
Don’t worry that listening means agreement. Many people hesitate in listening because they are concerned the person will think, “Great, you agree with me.” If that is true, you need to deal with that person’s attitude of entitlement. But most of the time, people don’t assume that. You can say “That’s a tough situation” and later in the same conversation say, “I think you dropped the ball” and both are true.
Don’t give advice until you know they need it. My experience is that, over half the time, if you listen well and support, people are smart enough to solve their own challenges, and your “being there” was all they needed.

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