Articles

Coaches and Why You Need One

January 9, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Life has lots of demands and challenges. And it is very very difficult, if not impossible, to get life done well, without relational support. Through a great deal of neuroscience research, it’s been established how important it is to have a few supportive individuals to help us navigate family, relationships, self career and our careers. This is vital.

One particular kind of relationship which has unique value, is that of a coach. A coach is someone who has knowledge, experience and skills that we don’t have in some area of life, in either our personal or professional realms. It’s a broad term that includes more nuanced role differences such as mentors, counselors, advisors and directors.

You and I don’t know what we don’t know, to do life right. Nor do most of us have the time or capacity to know everything we need to know. For example, I love YouTube videos and podcasts, they give me great helpful information. But having a person who knows a lot, and can coach you through the situation, is irreplaceable. That second part is a big deal. A lot of people have great knowledge and skills, but they don’t understand the science of coaching, and take people through a successful growth process. There are principles and methods that have been proven to help people grow. At the Townsend Institute, for example, we provide an accredited online Masters degree or a certificate in coaching and consulting, because a person needs to know how to help an individual grow.

Research indicates that a coach will pay off 3-4 times what they cost, in terms of benefits. And there are lots of people who are available to help someone without charge, for example mature business people who want to help those just starting off, or older parents who are involved in a church ministry working with younger parents.

I always recommend a coach who works holistically as well. What this means is that the person deals with the personal as well as the “task” end of the process. The old stereotype of the coach who only deals with the plan just doesn’t work as well. For example, “Hi Beth, how did the homework assignment we worked out for you about your website go?” “Well, Coach Lydia, I didn’t get to it, bummer.” “OK, Beth, no problem, let’s try to make sure you get it done next time.” Compare that to “Sorry to hear that, Beth, you were really motivated and determined about this last session. Let’s dig into why you weren’t able to get it done; could have been discouragement, or not saying no to others’ requests for your time, or maybe some perfectionistic paralysis.”

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Life goes better with a coach. What area could you use one in this week?

Best,

John

Happiness

January 4, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We all want to be happy, nothing wrong with that. When we are happy, we experience cheerfulness, positivity and an upbeat mood. Happiness is one of the most pleasant emotions a person can have. We feel energy and we feel hope. So how can we create this feeling more for ourselves?

The tricky part is that unfortunately, happiness doesn’t work well as a goal. People whose focus and goal in life is to be happy, often find that over time, they can’t stay happy. Think about these two categories of people who want to feel good all the time as their main focus: 2 years olds and addicts. Their internal systems are constantly craving the happiness experience, and their lives aren’t great models for how to live in the adult world.

The reality is that happiness is a much better byproduct than it is a goal. It is the result of other activities that provide a better life. It’s a little like weight loss. There is a ton of research that says we should weigh ourselves less frequently, and just concentrate on eating right and working out, and the weight will drop. The weight loss is the outcome of the right life activities. So here are some of the best “happiness-producing” skills:

Great supportive relationships: Engaging with people who are “for” you, can be vulnerable with you, and will tell you the truth.

Freedom: Instead of allowing others to control you, making the right choices because they are the right choices.

Living in reality: Avoiding perfectionistic expectations of yourself, others or the world.

Something to do: Competent work produces a positive sensation.

Giving with no tangible reward: It’s well known that altruism and service cause our body to release oxytocin, the feel-good hormone.

Resilience: Being able to bounce back after a failure, and self-regulate.

A purpose larger than oneself: We are happier when we engage in something meaningful that helps us transcend past “is that all there is?”

The ironic reality is that the happiest people in the world rarely, if ever, wonder if they are happy, or how to be more happy. They are otherwise involved in spending their energy engaged in the above skills.

So c’mon, get happy… by living the right life.

Best,

John

Your “One Thing” Recipe for Success in the New Year

December 28, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Most of us have gotten to the point that we feel a bit skeptical about “New Year-New You” thinking. Whether it be about diet, health, career, family or relationships, we find that it pretty much tends to have a good start and then fizzle out.

This approach has a good intent, but the research says that the success rate over a year is pretty abysmal, and that can be discouraging. So can you make a lasting change during this next year?

Yes, you can, and let’s keep it simple. It’s one thing. I have found that if a person will take this one step, and stick with that step for the year, the chances of being really happy with the results are higher than with anything else. Stripped down to the bare minimum, it’s this:

Spend at least an hour a week communicating with 3 people who want to grow and change in some area. That is, you invite 3 people you know, who are into learning to improving their lives, and just talk about that once a week. It can be together, or individually, though the group tends to be more powerful.

Research states, over and over again, that the power of positive relationships can be transformative in our success in life. The right people motivate us to be better people. They believe in us, they encourage us, and they dust us off when we fail.

More than that, when you communicate (face to face, video, phone, text) with others and express that you want to change in some area, this is where you will find more focus on your dream or desire. You’ll determine goals. Plans and strategies will emerge. You’ll deal with challenges and obstacles.

This one thing isn’t the only thing. But the other things cascade from that.

I would love to hear in late 2020 that you are still having that one hour minimum communication with a few growing people. And if you stick to it, you are much more likely than ever before, to experience the “New You” in a permanent way.

So I wish for you, and all of us, a great and “connected” New Year!

Best,

John

Have a Sane Christmas This Year

December 20, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Christmas is a wonderful holiday, with family, friends, faith and great times all rolled up together. But it’s more likely than not that you are feeling pressured to get it all done, whatever you have determined “it all” is. You may also remember last Christmas, when afterwards, you felt a bit burnt out and in need of recovery.

This Christmas doesn’t need to be that way! Here are some tips to help you have a Christmas this year where sanity rules.

Get away from it all for a few minutes, every day. The Christmas season is double duty: on top of family and job responsibilities, there are presents to buy and wrap, plus lots of events to attend. It’s literally a second full time job. So you must find at least 20 minutes in a row every day to stop, put the phone on silent, go into another room, or take a walk, but somehow give your brain a break and simply do some deep breathing, relaxing and reflecting on something positive: gratitude for something good that is happening, a relationship that means something to you, a good job you accomplished at work. Otherwise you’ll end your day feeling frazzled. That 20 minutes will make a huge difference.

Prune back 20%. We never never never get our entire “to do” list done for Christmas. Then we feel stressed. The problem is, the stress doesn’t come from not getting it all done. The stress comes from expecting too much of ourselves. So write out and prioritize what is truly important and what is just sort of urgent but in the end, not all that important. Then knock off 20% of what you planned to do. It will not be easy, but I promise you, freedom is on the other end of that pruning and you will start to feel lighter with a little time and money margin during the season.

Go for experiences more than things. Most of us have a lot of stuff. It’s rare that a tangible Christmas present will really transform your year. So give, and ask for, experiences: nights out, shows to see, hikes, mini-vacays, etc. One of my favorite experiences was another couple taking my wife and me to a store where they showed us how to make coffee mugs by hand. I have remembered that for years, while I’ve forgotten the great majority of tangibles I’ve received.

Pick who and how you spend your time with. At your gatherings and parties, don’t let crazy Uncle Bill dominate the event by controlling the conversation and making it about himself, or by just being rude. Don’t walk off in a huff from Uncle Bill, but be polite, spend about 2 minutes with him, then excuse yourself and walk over to where someone who is warm and interesting is. Plant yourself there. Have 2-3 conversations with people like that. It will really help. And Bill probably won’t even notice you weren’t around.

There is still time for sanity this year!!!! And Merry Christmas to you and yours.

John

Increasing Your Energy

December 13, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

The demands of reality require a certain amount of energy to pull them off. From working to family to relationships to hobbies, you get life done better with more energy, and it’s awful when we feel drained. But basically, all of us need more energy. Some just need to be topped off a little, while some find ourselves just barely dragging through the day. The only demographic that actually has too much energy is 3 year olds☺, and that doesn’t last forever. So here are some practical ideas to increase the amount of energy you have to feel good and not exhausted by the end of the day.

Get a physical every year. Many energy problems come from physical issues, such as hormone challenges and vitamin deficiencies. You can get all the sleep you need and still feel bad if your body has a condition.

Eat right, sleep right and work out. The research on these three lifestyle habits is more than overwhelming, it’s just simply facts. We feel better when we eat the right things and avoid the wrong things, sleep 7-8 hours a night, and work out several times a week. It’s hard to do it just by committing yourself. Instead, do these 2 things: (1) start recording these three on a tracking app, and (2) recruit a buddy, to keep each other on track and encouraged. These two simple moves can make a lifetime of difference.

Be in control of your “people time.” As I write about in my book People Fuel, who we spend time with can make a huge difference in our energy level. There are the “gains”, who are the people who are genuinely interested in you, who want a mutual relationship, who can be vulnerable, who are positive and who have their own interests and ambitions. Then there are the “drains”, who tend to be self-absorbed and chronically negative, or what psychologists call help-rejecting complainers. Spend as much time as you can with the “gains.” While you should be kind to the “drains”, don’t let them hijack your own time and energy.

Set boundaries for your day. You can’t determine every minute of our day, especially at work or as a parent. But you can make some choices. Make your calendar balanced. Input several breaks during the day. Get home from work at a decent hour.

Energy is precious, and it makes a huge difference in success and quality of life. Increase it and preserve it.

Best,

John

Get out of the Comparison Mentality

December 5, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

When is the last time you noticed another person’s situation, and found yourself comparing yours to theirs? It could be about their good fortune, like buying a new home or their kids getting into their chosen college. Then your thoughts can turn to how you’re a bit inferior, or behind the curve, or just unfortunate. On the other hand, it could be about the struggles of others, such as a financial loss or a divorce. In that direction, you can find yourself thinking that while you are sad for them, you have some level of relief that you are not going through that scenario.

It’s natural to compare yourself to others. We want to see how we stack up with them. But, what is natural for us is not always good for us. Here are some reasons why it will help you, to get out of the comparison mentality, and how to succeed in that.

You lose contentment. It’s pretty much impossible to be content and “OK” with your situation, when you compare. Think about it, when you evaluate yourself by others’ situations, you can only be as content as your ranking. If you determine that you have less “whatever” than most of your friends, you will rank yourself in the bottom half, which can lead to a lack of contentment, feelings of being one down, and even resentful. And even if you’re on the “top half” in some area, you must maintain that ranking to be OK. That is a pressure you do not want. So set yourself up with a mentality of growth and self-improvement that is about who you are, not about increasing your rankings.

You lose control. Comparisons take time, energy and focus away from what we can control, and put them in a place we can’t control. You always have some amount of control over your choices and decisions, and how you will live your day, week and year. You can be with someone you love, spend time with your kids, engage in your work, follow your passion, and find a purpose in life. All of these are worth your time, energy and focus. But you have zero control over other people’s choices. Influence, perhaps, but not control. Comparisons keep you with your nose to the window, so to speak, wishing you could have what the other has, and not investing instead in a good life for yourself. So put that finite time, energy and focus into what you can do something about.

You distance yourself from others. When we compare, healthy people are turned off. They don’t like to be around the envy, jealousy and resentment that a comparing person expresses. They want to talk about what you and they are actually doing, with no rankings and yardsticks about others. Notice how much of your conversations and thoughts in a day is about the fortunes of others, and if it’s a significant percentage, ratchet it back.

You have enough to do, to keep yourself busy and productive without comparisons. Work on being the best you that you can be.

Best,

John