Dr. John Townsend

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  • Transparency: John Townsend, Ph.D.

    Transparency: John Townsend, Ph.D.

    Transparency, whether it’s personal or in an organization, is a key part of how relationships, groups and organizations thrive and succeed. A relationship that is transparent inspires trust, care, motivation and the ability to succeed and solve challenges together. A relationship that is limited in transparency tends to discourage, isolate and de-motivate people.

    Transparency is a combination of three aspects: openness, messaging and ownership. When these are in place, health enters the system and good things happen. Here is how it works:

    Openness. Openness means keeping needed information in the light, as opposed to hiding it in darkness. The Enron scandal is an example of a lack of openness, with devastating results. On a personal level, openness may mean bringing a mistake you made, to people who are important to you. When you are open, you think about who deserves to have information at some appropriate level. It could be information about finances, performance problems or some personal situation, depending on what is warranted. Openness is also usually about negative realities. It’s easy to be open about the touchdowns, but it takes character and courage to be open about the failures. But think more about the well-being of those who need the info, than you do about your own comfort and convenience. That mentality will be a game-changer for you.

    Messaging. This means taking initiative and intentionality to get the information to the right people. It is not their job to search out the facts, that is not transparency. You don’t cache it in a hard drive, or on the last tab on your website. You deliver what is needed to those who matter. Meet with them. Call them up. Email them. Text them. But take the initiative to message. This builds trust, and repairs distrust.

    Ownership. Transparency does not end with bringing the appropriate reality to the appropriate people. It also requires a commitment, a commitment to act on the facts and do the right thing. If the situation involves something that requires you to improve matters, take a healthy step. If you need to authentically apologize, do it. Ownership is the opposite of blame-shifting. It is blame-taking. Whatever the realities are, take ownership of your part, and execute your best next behavior. In a world of disconnects between saying and doing, be willing to do something to make things better. You may not be responsible for the entire problem, but you can help in improving matters in your own space.

    Transparency is rarely enjoyable. But in the long run, it always pays off exponentially. Be that person, for those who matter to you, for your organization, and for yourself.

    Best,

    John

  • People Fuel, Part 3: The Seven “C’s” of Relationships

    People Fuel, Part 3: The Seven “C’s” of Relationships

    How is your “People Picker?” We all choose individuals to be around us, and most of them are pretty good finds. But it’s easy to also get a bit out of balance, and have a lot more “drain” conversations than “gain” conversations. This can lead to fatigue and burnout, and then everyone gets drained.

    In my new book People Fuel, I present a model of the different types of relationships, the Seven “C’s”, that will help you be a bit more intentional and clear about knowing how to spend your time. Here is a summary of those “C’s”, ranked from highest to lowest resource for you:

    1. Coaches: Those individuals with whom we engage, to mentor, develop, guide and direct us. A coach can be paid or pro bono. Coaches have 3 qualities: (1) they are subject matter experts of in some area of your interest: leadership, parenting, emotional health, spiritual growth, or physical training for example; (2) they know how to coach. There is a science of coaching, and they know the theory and steps of taking a person from point A to point B. The Townsend Institute, for example, trains students in getting a Masters or a credential in Coaching (townsendinstitute.com); and (3) they have no personal need for you
      to be a mutual friend or buddy. That’s fine, but they make the time “all about you.”
    2. Comrades: Your Life Team. Those 3-10 individuals who know it all about you, accept you fully, but also tell you the truths you need to hear. Comrades are also fully involved in their own growth, and are vulnerable with you, as they want help from you as well, in mutual improvement. Comrades can be in a group, or individuals, or some hybrid.
    3. Casuals: Those friends and neighbors you have who are just good, positive people. Maybe your kids are on the same soccer teams, or you like the same music events. Casuals help us experience being in the moment and enjoying life with someone. They are also a “farm team” as potential Life Team members.
    4. Colleagues: We spend a great deal of time working, and it’s important to work with the right people. You don’t always have a say in those with whom you work. But as much as possible, work with those who are (1) truly competent; (2) relationally oriented; and (3) work well on teams. This can make your work life an energy-producing experience.
    5. Care: Those individuals who are without something they need, and which you have the capacity to supply to them. This can range from helping mentor a young business person to supporting young parents to digging wells in a developing country. Our Care relationships help us make the world a better place, and also they release oxytocin in us, the hormone that lifts our spirits, reinforcing us to repeat those behaviors again. We always need to be giving back in life, that’s a large part of what a healthy life is about. But we also need to be aware that we may be spending too much time and energy in too many Care relationships as well.
    6. Chronics: Sometimes called the “bless their heart” individuals. Chronics are not bad people, they are often very good people. They do have long term patterns of having lots of problems that rarely go away: job, financial, emotional, family and relationship struggles, for example. That is not a problem in and of itself, as we all have our challenges. But Chronics also have what I call a flat learning curve, that is, they don’t learn much from their experiences, nor do they apply all the advice you give them, time after time. They want to spend time with you, but more because you are a caring and supportive person, less because they want to apply your advice. You can spend enormous time and meetings trying to help Chronics, and just not see change.
    7. Contaminants: We are all imperfect, but Contaminants are at another level. They have bad motives. They tend to be envious, and desire to divide and damage others. They can attack your business, your church, your marriage, your family, or your own soul. When you have clear evidence that you are dealing with a Contaminant, you must warn them of their behavior, and then create safety and distance from them.

    When I take leaders and families through these categories, the first thing they usually say is “Hey, I’m bottom heavy!” In other words, they become aware that they have too many Care, Chronic and Contaminant relationships, and not enough Coaches, Comrades and Casuals in their lives. This imbalance can lead to significant losses of energy and positivity.

    The answer is to right-size matters. First build up the Coaches and Comrades, then begin pruning back the lower categories. I spell out exactly how to do this in the book, in a reasonable and respectful way.

    You will be amazed at how things go better for you!

    Best,

    John

  • The Oldest Shoe Store in America and What We Can Learn from It

    The Oldest Shoe Store in America and What We Can Learn from It

    My wife Barbi and I recently returned from a combination trip of attending a close friend’s destination wedding, plus vacationing, both in the beautiful state of Maine. We stayed in the downtown area of the seaport village of Belfast. Across the street from us was a brick building with the sign: “Colburn Shoes: Oldest Shoe Store in America 1832.” 187 years. Now that is a run!

    Since I do a great deal of work with family businesses, I had to find out their secret sauce. So we walked over and got to know Brian Horne, the father of the present owner, Colby, who purchased it from his dad a few years back. Brian was generous in providing me with time and information.

    The story is that the Colburn family originally owned and operated the store for several generations, then the Horne family bought it from them a few generations ago, but kept the name. It has been in continual operation all that time. I asked Brian the secret to this sort of amazing longevity. He said it came down to 2 things:

    1. Keeping up with the product. Brian said shoe lines and styles are always changing, and someone has to continue researching what will work in the current market.
    2. Prioritizing great customer service. The Colburn staff spends a great deal of time with their customers, both local and vacationers like us. I observed that dynamic in a couple of trips to the store. They were engaging with the shoppers, asking questions and finding out what they were interested in.

    I asked about internet competition with brick and mortar establishments. Brian said, “We had some scares in the beginning of that shift. But shoes seem to be a product that requires a tangible and personal shopping experience, so we have done all right.” Barbi and I were also impressed with our own personal shopping experience, enough so that she bought a couple of pairs of shoes, and I bought my first-ever Birkenstocks. See the photo of Brian, my Birks and me.

    Now, on a leadership and business level, think about the two secret sauces. The first is task-related: knowing and having the right product. The second is people-related: connecting and communicating with people. It always boils down, ultimately, to these two.

    We can all learn from the Colburn story. Go visit them on your next trip to Maine!

    Best,

    John

  • People Fuel, Part 2: What We Need from Each Other

    People Fuel, Part 2: What We Need from Each Other

    Research shows us that the quality of our relationships is a major indicator of how our quality of life works out. Those who don’t have enough sustained and safe relationships tend to have more health, relationship, emotional and career challenges. Relationships aren’t a luxury, they are a necessity, right up there with food and shelter.

    In my new book People Fuel, I outline 4 Quadrants of what I call Relational Nutrients, that we are to regularly give and receive with each other. Just like our body needs bionutrients, neuroscience shows that these Relational Nutrients help our brains stay energetic, positive and focused. Only they don’t come in capsules. They are delivered via a face-to-face conversation, phone call, video, email or text. Here are the 4 areas:

    Quadrant 1: Be Present
    To be present means to “be there” and be personally and emotionally engaged with another person. Presence requires a few words, if any at all. When we are stressed or encountering challenges, sometimes advice is the last thing we need. But someone who can “enter our well” of challenge, can bring great benefit. This is because our most fundamental need is to know we are not alone, but that someone “gets it” about our situation. We need
    Nutrients such as Acceptance, which is connection without judgement, and Attunement, which is “tuning in” to our emotional state and understanding it.

    Quadrant 2: Convey the Good
    Sometimes we feel a bit discouraged or “down” from some difficult situation at home or at work. But when someone conveys that they see good character, effort and achievement in us, it helps release oxytocin, which elevates our mood. All we need in these situations is for someone to give us Affirmation that we’re doing our best, or Encouragement that they believe in us.

    Quadrant 3: Provide Reality
    Life can throw complex situations at us, and we don’t have a quick solution. Work can be challenging and confusing, as well as relationships. We often need the right information, data or wisdom from someone who is “for” us. The Nutrients of Perspective and Insight often provide us with a better approach to a problem, so we can solve it.

    Quadrant 4: Call to Action
    At the end of the day, we need to do something, not just think something. Our behavior needs to become activated, to take an action step. This is when great Advice, or a Structured plan make all the difference in seeing the changes we need to make, that will make life work better.

    Those are the Quadrants, and we need to receive and give Nutrients from each Quadrant pretty much every week.

    Here’s the challenge: You must own your need, and you must also ask for your need, from the right person. It doesn’t work to wait for people to read your mind and try to give you a Nutrient that you might not need. But if you ask the right people, they will most likely be happy to help you. And you can give back to them.

    We need to need. It’s how the world works! To get the whole list of all 22 Nutrients, get the book or just go to RelationalNutrients.com.

    Best,

    John

  • The Keys to Any Great Team

    The Keys to Any Great Team

    Life, job and just about anything work better when we’re on teams. There is an enormous amount of research on the power of great teamwork. Whether it be an executive group, a sales and marketing team, or a team of parents coordinating for a kids’ soccer league, teams make matters better. I never thought I would write a blog with the cliché, “Team Work makes the Dream Work”, but it’s actually true! We accomplish more together than by ourselves, and with the right teammates, we are also happier and more engaged.

    I’ll be writing a book on the power of teams, and here is my model of the 4 aspects of any great one. Check them out, and see which of the 4 is one you can implement within your own team to make things run lots better:

    Conviction: When we have conviction, we are guided by our mission and core values, as opposed to our feelings for the moment, or the stresses and glitches of the day. Teams that have conviction are clear in their mission, for example, “We are here to make Acme Tech more productive.” And they are clear on the “compass” of their values, such as excellence, quality and taking care of people. Great teams keep mission and values front and center. They talk about them. They make decisions based on them. They keep them relevant.

    Cohesiveness: A great team connects, which is what the word means, connection. They bond to each other and care about each other. There is a big difference between a team that is functionally cohesive, and one that is relationally cohesive. Functional cohesion is basically about reliability and dependability in task. It’s important and necessary. But functional cohesion alone will never create a great team, only a good one. A great team is not only functionally cohesive, but relationally cohesive, meaning personally and emotionally connected. The members are vulnerable with each other, with no fear of judgment or “scorekeeping.” They give and receive energy and positivity with each other.

    Clarity: Teams need role clarity. Each person needs to know what their tasks and job description are, and how to stay in their lane. Then they are more effective and efficient. And you avoid the problem of someone neglecting what is unique to their responsibilities, and going to a lane where the other person is already working. Which sort of annoys the other person as well. Clarity is king.

    Candor. When a team has conviction, cohesiveness and clarity, these make it safe enough to have the honest and frank conversations. A great team gives and receives feedback that is both positive and negative, though respectful as well. We benefit when someone says, “Hey, we have a problem here.” You don’t want the mission to be sidelined because no one spoke up, for fear of disrupting things. Candor helps a team disrupt in a positive direction.

    Teams are a great way to not only get things done, but to also feel like you’re part of something larger than you, and that has purpose. Here’s to your great team.

    John

  • Resilience: The Skills To Help You Bounce Back

    Resilience: The Skills To Help You Bounce Back

    Have you ever noticed that some people can have a setback and shrug it off, while the same setback can pretty much “tank” another person for a very long time? Whether we’re talking about relationship challenges, financial problems, emotional issues or health problems, the difference is an ability called resilience, which I define as the capacity to adapt to a stressor, and return to normal functioning. By “normal functioning” I mean a positive mood vs depression, good energy levels vs debilitating fatigue and the ability to maintain one’s relationships and work habits. It’s encouraging to know also that resilience is not as much an inherent gift that some people have, as it is a set of learnable skills that we can all apply. Here are some keys to bouncing back:

    Stay (or become) connected vulnerably to a few good people. The neuroscience research is overwhelming about this. There is no way to overestimate the power of attachments with a few people you can open up to, and be supported by. My new bestselling book People Fuel has lots of information about the skills to do this.

    Become engaged in the meaningful. Stressors have a way of “owning” our time and focus. Like a dog gnawing on a bone, our brains often obsess and chew on the loss or challenge, for way too much time in our day. They can create high anxiety and fatigue. So, while you can’t make yourself completely stop thinking about the stressor, you can make sure most of your day is spent engaging and being involved in what matters to you: meaningful work, people you care about, working out, good meals and positive activities.

    Move into structure. A regular and somewhat predictable daily structure is very good for you too. When New Yorkers experienced the 911 terrorist attacks, researchers found that the survivors of that tragedy did better when they returned to work soon. Knowing what time their meetings, calls and breaks were scheduled for, helped their brains regulate and establish a sense of control.

    Get yourself off the hook. Guilt plays a big part in stress. We often blame ourselves 100% for something we are 2% responsible for, and we beat ourselves up day after day. While we are always supposed to take responsibility for any mistakes we have made, apologize, and change our behavior, we shouldn’t take ownership for things we haven’t done. So write down what percent of the stressor is from you, what percent is from other people, and what percent is just from living in an imperfect world. Get in balance with responsibility, and your guilt will diminish. And for the percent that is yours, experience the great gift of forgiveness and acceptance for your imperfections.

    Resilience can help you pretty quickly begin feeling, thinking and acting in your normal patterns again. Best wishes.

    John