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Asking For Help

February 8, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Think about the last time you needed help in some situation, say something as simple as your smartphone battery dying and needing to borrow someone’s charger. Maybe it was easy to ask a friend for the charger. Or maybe you felt a bit uncomfortable in asking. Regardless, most of us hesitate, at some time or another, in requesting help and assistance from others. But the reality is humans need each other, every day and in lots of ways. We weren’t designed to be self-sufficient islands unto ourselves. Life goes better when we ask, and when others ask us. So here are a few tips to help you be a better “asker.”

Turn the tables in your mind. Think empathetically about how you feel when someone you care about asks you for advice or a cup of sugar. If you’re in a decent mood, you are most likely happy to provide that person with something. Helping is like Prozac for the mind. When we help, with a positive attitude, the famous oxytocin is released, and we feel happy, energetic and content. So the reverse is also true. When you ask others, you are creating a space for the other person to feel positive as well.

Value your life. If you are without something that’s important to you, you need to value your life enough that you will step out and ask another for help. People who don’t think much of themselves will often think, I’m high maintenance, I’m not worth it, and refrain from asking. But then they never get the assistance they need. Remember that your life and your contributions are important.

Don’t give up after one “no.” Sometimes people get discouraged after getting up the courage to ask, and then the other individual says no, like, “No, I don’t have time to help you work on your bike on Saturday.” But one “no” doesn’t tell the tale. Ask several people, it increases the odds that someone will say “yes.” One of my sons, Benny, is in commercial real estate financing. When he was first starting out, he was making 150 cold calls a day. The great majority of them said “no”, and often “hell no.” But Benny kept calling. I asked him at dinner how his day went, and he said, “Great day, I got 3 maybe’s and 147 no’s!”

Make sure you are not being truly high maintenance. It’s always good, if you’re not sure, to ask those in your life if you’re being too demanding of others time and energy. If we are going through a hard time, we may be doing it and not being aware of it. If that’s the case, then add more supportive people to the mix, so your friends don’t get burnt out during your long term difficult period. And also use what you are given. People don’t mind giving more when the other person is grateful, becomes empowered, makes good changes and improvements, etc.

Asking is good and healthy. So I’m asking you to share this blog with someone else to help them too! Take care.

Succeeding At Your New Job (Or Any Job)

February 1, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

So you’re gainfully employed! Congratulations on being part of the working world, and helping your product or service make the world a better place to live, for a reasonable return!

For many, however, the honeymoon is over. They feel they have an achievement ceiling over their heads, not enough resources, an unhealthy culture and an organization that is pointed the wrong way. This can be very unnerving and discouraging for someone who wants to perform in the greatest environment possible. Here are some tips to help:

Study and train in your area. Be the best you can be in your area. Read blogs and go to conferences. Ask people in your department to have coffee and ask them questions you need help in. You will not only make yourself more productive, but the message will get out to the culture that you are a go-getter who is giving a lot to the organization.

Connect with the team. Nothing helps you succeed better than having positive and trusting relationships with the team. They will help you achieve your goals and beyond. Don’t get stuck at your desk. Reach out to them, help them, have social time with them. No divas or isolates here!

Ask for things to do. Supervisors are always blown away by the questions “What else can I do?” They are always overwhelmed with projects and are surprised that you would actually come to ask them if you can help them. If you have the bandwidth do it every few weeks. I promise you will be noticed in a good way.

Ask for opportunities to grow and develop. Pick a conference and ask if they will pay for it. Let them know you want to grow to the next level of achievement.

Volunteer to help with the problems. See my second paragraph. Just pick one, and ask if you can get engaged to improve matters.

Success in a company, even a very flawed one, is a mixture of several interventions. Be there, work hard, ask to do more, and seek ways to improve. It will get noticed and rewarded.

Best,

John

Making Self Care a Priority

December 27, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

We all know that working out, eating right and getting enough sleep are good and important things. The research and so many magazine articles tell us this, in so many ways. But almost all of us struggle with getting this done on a consistent, long-term basis. It can be frustrating and discouraging to not feel good about your self-care. Here are some tips to help make this a priority that actually happens in the long run.

Write down a self-care vision for yourself that is based on a successful year. We all need to be inspired to make changes by a great vision. Here’s an example: “By the end of 2019, I see myself doing what it takes to weigh X pounds, feel more energy and having more positivity.”

Get a support system of people who believe in you. The longer you have been struggling with making changes in some area, the more your brain is wired to fail and be discouraged, it’s what you are used to. That’s why you need a few people to meet with you, encourage and keep you accountable to being the best you can be.

List the usual suspects of distractions. Sometimes we don’t make self care a priority because life gets us off track: family concerns, job issues, health issues, too much social media time, etc. But there’s a difference between a true crisis and something we can reschedule or change. Make a list of the things that have derailed you and work out the difference between the unavoidable and the avoidable. This will clarify you in your head.

Make a calendar. We tend to do what is physically on the calendar. Calendarizing makes a priority of the events that have to happen to make the vision happen: what days and times you will work out, when you will go to what meetings, etc. Put it in your smartphone and on your fridge.

A priority is something that stays in our life and our mind, front and center. Best to you this next year!

John Townsend, Ph.D.

Preventing Burnout

December 20, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

We live in a burnout culture. How many people in your life talk about running out of energy, losing motivation, and being “out of gas”? This might even be your own situation as well. Burnout is a very real problem, and it can be serious. People lose job growth, relationship success, emotional health and physical wellness with burnout. Let’s look at some ways to nip burnout in the bud and to have a healthy balanced life.

Take a realistic look at how you are doing. Just ask yourself if you tend to have problems getting up in the morning, dragging in the day or having a positive attitude. If you are great in all of these, God bless you! But if you experience these, you could be at risk for early-stage burnout. So many of us have to almost be in ICU to do something about burnout, so respect these little signs before they become big signs.

Add the “vital” and prune back the “not vital.” And before you’re into burnout territory, get out that calendar and figure out what a 5 day week with nights off will look like (with a few exceptions that must be justified). Most of the time, that means adding rest, time with people who are gains and not drains, fun and meaningful activities. And to make time for that, then “not vital” activities need to be lessened, for example, too much time with the draining folks, social media, tv, and gaming. This creates a good balance in the schedule.

Take the attitude that “healthy selfish” is OK. It’s, unfortunately, true that no one is having a “protect you from burnout” meeting for your benefit right now. You have to own and value this. But healthy selfishness isn’t about being self-centered or narcissistic or not being concerned with others. It’s about understanding that you can’t have a full life, give to others and make a difference in the world for a long, long time if you don’t keep burnout at bay. So say “no” to demands on your time and energy that you just don’t have the bandwidth for. The right people will support you, and the wrong ones will just go away and make someone else feel guilty.

There’s something you can today about burnout, and this works! Best to you.

John Townsend, Ph.D.

Handling Anxiety When You Actually Don’t Want to Admit It!

November 29, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

OK, so we know from the research and statistics that all humans get scared and anxious sometimes. 100% of us. It’s a fact. Fear is just part of life (except for those who are in toxic massive denial, which is a recipe for life misery). Lots of us would rather pretend we are secure, confident and have it together. But at a deep level, we know that we do feel insecure and scared at times. So what do we do when we know we feel this, but we don’t want to know we feel this? Here are some solutions and tips for this:

Understand the disconnect.

There is a disconnect, or what are called incompatible realities. In the psychological world, we call this a “fear of the fear.” We are afraid of being afraid. But unfortunately, our brains crave reality. Reality, whether it is positive or negative, is good for our minds. So when we act like we are OK when we are scared, our brains go into overload: How do I function and make decisions, when a lot of my energy and bandwidth is being used to pretend I’m not anxious, when I actually am? That costs us a lot, and isn’t good for us.

Get to the “why.”

There is a reason you aren’t comfortable admitting you have anxiety in a situation. It can be about relationships, work, mistakes, challenges, your past or a number of things. But your “fear of fear” didn’t arrive in your head in a vacuum. Here are a few common “why’s”:

Shame: When we feel that our behavior or feelings will cause us to be embarrassed, or that people might think less of us, we are vulnerable to the fear of the fear and we hide it all.
Control: Fear and anxiety are, at their core, about not feeling in control. It might be that you have a relationship you can’t fix, or a job situation that’s out of your hands, or a health issue with no known solution.
Isolation: We are more afraid when we are alone. Humans are social beings. We feel safer in a tribe of a few good people, and more afraid and vulnerable when we are without that.

Take action.

Not doing anything will just increase the fear of the fear. But if you take a risk with a safe person and tell them that you are anxious about something, their warmth and compassion will reduce a large percentage of the feeling, and you will feel relief. Another great action step is to simply admit to yourself, and write down in a journal, that you had an anxious day. This is called normalization, and you won’t feel so strange. And finally, pick a few good friends who are comfortable saying when they become fearful and ask them how they do it. Healthy people aren’t afraid of being afraid.

It’s OK to say when you’re anxious. In fact, it’s just healthy.

John Townsend, Ph.D.

Making the Right Decisions as a Leader

November 23, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

If you lead at work, in the home, or both, you have to make decisions. Leaders who don’t make decisions don’t stay leaders very long. However, decisions, by definition, involve risk. It might be a risk of losing financial resources, time, energy, opportunity or key people. This is one reason that leadership is so difficult: there is no crystal ball. So here are some tips to help you make the decisions you are required to make, and to make them well.

Do a SWOT analysis on the situation.

Actually writing down the Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats of your situation helps a great deal. This exercise provides two significant benefits. It provides a great deal of structured information that will help you to think through the pros and cons. Secondly, and just as importantly, it will center you and decrease any anxiety you might feel. Anxiety can confuse your decision making; and the less anxiety the better.

Determine why this is important to your organization.

Leaders must always use the lens of “what is best for my organization?” Is it about cash issues? Products and services? Marketing? Leadership? Culture? It’s your job to focus on what you are trying to achieve for your company and your people. This will help you think clearly.

Bring your team in.

Whoever is the right person for the decision, be humble and smart enough to get their advice. You want to make sure you are doing the due diligence with people who know you, your company and your values, and people who have a track record of success in their own right. They are likely to see some angle you never even thought of.

Think, “there is a solution.”

There is always some solution, unless you literally have a gun to your head. This sort of positive approach is not being in denial. It is a sober realization that you are competent, capable, and have information and good people behind you. This is realistic positivity, and it will help.

Use the 24 hour rule.

Sleep on it. Unless it’s a five alarm emergency, it helps to give a problem a 24 hour break. I’m talking as a psychologist now. Neuroscience research has shown that the brain never stops working, even when you sleep. It likes to solve problems. Think of your brain as a really smart Labrador retriever with lots of energy, bounding around from challenge to challenge, enjoying the process of tackling issues. So while you are having dinner, or being with friends, or sleeping, your mind is looking at all sorts of possibilities. I have been totally blown away by what I come up with after I sleep on an issue.

Decisions change organizations. Good luck and lead well.

John Townsend, Ph.D.