Articles

Overcoming Fear and Anxiety

November 9, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

There are three kinds of people in the world:

(1) those who have fear and anxiety and admit it;

(2) those who have fear and anxiety and don’t admit it

(3) those who truly don’t have fear and anxiety, but cause it in others!

And often, a (1) and a (2) will end up marrying a (3), but that’s another blog for another day.

So this blog is for the (1)’s. If you do struggle with anxiety and are courageous enough to admit it, you know how difficult it can be. Fearful thoughts popping in your head in the middle of the night, difficulty making decisions, second-guessing yourself, and then severe issues such as anxiety disorders and panic disorders can make life miserable. Here are some practical tips to help lessen and even resolve fear and anxiety.

Set the bar at “manageable anxiety” and not “zero anxiety.”

A life with zero fear and anxiety is not a healthy life. Would you want to be married to someone who doesn’t care enough about you to worry about your relationship, your health and how your job is going? Sometimes anxiety just means that you care about yourself or someone else.

See the value in some anxiety.

You need your anxiety. When you wake up on the morning of the first of the month, you need to be concerned that you pay your rent or mortgage. Your anxiety keeps you from saying, “I had a long day yesterday, I’ll call in sick and go to a matinee.” Fear can be your friend, at decent levels.

Get to the “why.”

Instead of trying to stop feeling anxious, move toward the feeling and not away from it. Ask yourself why you are feeling it at this particular time. Often, when you understand the root, you are halfway to getting it resolved. For example, you are anxious about keeping your job because your boss told you that your performance was lacking. However, if it’s a long-term job and you have a good history, and your boss said nothing more than that, that anxiety is probably irrational. So why would you have that fear? For many people, it’s because they aren’t able to feel secure about their talents, their competencies and their value in the workplace. So when there is a glitch like a negative performance review, they forget who they are and what they can do. If that is the “why”, you will feel some relief almost immediately.

Never, never, never suck it up and isolate. Fear is like a cyst. It metastasizes in the darkness, and it shrinks in the laser beam. Use the laser beam of the right people in your life to tell them your fears. Let them be “People Fuel” for you, and that will calm you down.

Manageable fear doesn’t get in the way of a great life. Keep the balance.

John Townsend, Ph.D.

Strategies for Curing Entitled Attitudes

November 2, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

We see the word entitlement all over the media these days. It has to do with a combination of two attitudes:

(1) I need to be treated as special, and

(2) I am not responsible for the impact of my behavior on anyone.

And it comes out as selfishness, narcissism and a lack of empathy for others.

We tend to see celebrities, politicians and pro athletes in this light, but entitlement is something the entire human race deals with. It can damage a marriage, a dating relationship, a family, an organization or a church. So here are some action steps that can change things, either in yourself or someone in your life. These helps are from the just-released softcover edition of my book The Entitlement Cure.

Take a meaningful risk every week.

Though they don’t show it, entitled people are terribly afraid of trying new things. Underneath the attitude, they tend to have lots of vulnerability to shame and don’t want to be seen by others, or by themselves, as having flaws and screwups. So if the person you are concerned about is a 15-year old, have him do a new sport, try out for a part in a school play, or run for office. Support him but hold him accountable. Whether he succeeds or fails, he will become healthier, more confident and less entitled.

Keep inconvenient commitments.

When we blow off appointments and work deadlines because they don’t feel fun, we are showing a lack of empathy and concern for the feelings and situations of others. You are not being rigid to hold yourself and others accountable to do hard things that have been committed. It builds trust in others and decreases our natural self-absorption.

Say “I don’t know.”

Entitlement insists that the person be seen as having all the answers. What a boring lunch to be with someone who pontificates about all of his opinions and solutions! Just be real and humble and when you don’t know how to build a spaceship to Mars, say, “Musk may know how to do that, but I don’t know, let me research that.” People are drawn to humility and curiosity. They are turned off by lectures and uber-advice.

You’ll see changes quickly with these tips. They work. Be an Entitlement-Buster!

John Townsend, Ph.D.

Diversity in the Workplace Should be a Priority

October 26, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

Many of the organizations I consult with have either been engaged in workplace diversity for quite some time or are newly involved. As I have worked with them on making this a sustained, strategic, and effective initiative, some realities have emerged.

These realities can help your thinking in this critical issue. Diversity matters, whether you lead an organization, work in one or are just concerned about the subject.

Here are some reasons why workplace diversity should be a priority.

Diversity increases the positives

There are many significant advantages to prioritizing workplace diversity. While research is continuing on this, here are four of the positives I have observed.

#1 – Better creative decisionmaking: the variety provides much-needed energy in how critical decisions are made

#2 – A broader perspective: understanding the mission of the organization from the vantage point of a bigger and more global level

#3 – Matching the market demographics: positioning the product or service to who is actually out there consuming

#4 – Heightened employee engagement: more and different people tend to increase commitment and enthusiasm in the workplace

Diversity decreases the negatives

Diversity also serves to limit negative consequences for the organization. Following are three of the negatives I have observed.

#1 – Losing relevance in the marketplace: the risk that the organization will be perceived as out of touch with the world

#2 – A drop in the credibility of the brand: the potential that the public will see the organization as being uncaring and self-centered

#3 – Losses in performance: the risk that not having the “positive disruption” of more diversity will limit the growth of the company. (TownsendNOW Members: You can watch my video on improving unhealthy company culture here.)

Diversity is the right thing to do

Principles should always outrank pragmatics. Even if the above advantages didn’t exist, we should be actively engaged in diversity because it is a fair and just concept.

Simply put, we have a responsibility to reach out to the marginalized talent pool to give them their chance to compete for work positions, and to succeed. I have never met a successful high-integrity person who didn’t think that he or she had been given support by others to get to their career position.

Take an action step on this critical issue. Read up on the subject, starting with the Wiki article about diversity to give you an overview.

If you are in a leadership position, make diversity part of the business and team conversations. The best places to start are with whoever is in charge of the company and the human resources department.

At so many levels, and for so many reasons, we all need to support workplace diversity in thought, word, and deed.

Funerals Are Important – Here’s Why

October 19, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

Recently, our family was involved in the memorial services for Bobbi Braff, who was my wife Barbi’s mom. The funeral and reception were a very sad and yet a meaningful time, made more poignant by the fact that I also lost both of my parents last year.

With Barbi’s dad having passed on many years ago, she and I have now become the older generation for our family. We are starting to figure out how that plays out for us, and for those we love.

Having these recent firsthand experiences with deaths, I have learned a few things that have helped us a great deal, about not only the grief process but specifically the tradition of funerals. I hope they help when you are faced with these situations, too.

Funerals provide a structure for an ending.

Our brains don’t naturally gravitate toward losses of any kind, especially the death of someone we care about. Losses are painful and negative. So, we tend to avoid thinking about them or feeling what we need to feel. We would instead engage in something more positive. But neuroscience research shows us that when we don’t say a real goodbye, both intellectually and especially emotionally with our tears, it’s not good for us.

People who disengage from loss and avoid funerals often find that they don’t have closure with the relationship. They usually have trigger reactions down the line to something that reminds them of that person. They might also have conflicts with people who remind them of that person and struggle with energy, concentration, and mood issues. The clinical term for this is delayed bereavement. Funerals are an organized way to help you get through the loss and avoid delayed bereavement.

Funerals bring people together in a new way.

A memorial service combines friends, family, and colleagues to honor the person who is gone. It is meant to be a source of healthy and supportive relationships to support each others’ loss. More often than not, the service also reconnects people who haven’t been in touch for some time and renews the friendship. We had so many meaningful, sad, and funny conversations with so many people during Bobbi’s reception afterward. We are thankful that her passing brought so many of us together.

Funerals mix the sadness and the joy.

Grief requires that we honor and respect the good that the person brought to the world. But we are also to express how much we miss them. You need both emotions to get through the grieving process fully.

Stay away from the thinking, “We’re not having a funeral or a memorial service. It’s going to be a celebration service.” That is undoubtedly part of the purpose, but it prohibits people from feeling OK about saying authentically that they are sad and miss someone they care about deeply. Then they have nowhere to go with these emotions. So keep both elements in place whenever possible. It’s okay to celebrate and mourn at the same time!

Funerals are something we can do.

People feel helpless when there is a death, especially if that loss is unexpected. You can’t bring the person back. You can’t fix it or undo it, and helplessness is not a pleasant feeling. But you can attend a funeral, and go through the memories, songs, anecdotes by the family, video presentations, and prayers. You can go to the reception and reconnect. You can serve the family members, either by comforting them or by just saying “How are you doing?” or talking about sports if that is what they need for that time. But having something to do helps us all.

Funerals are not entertainment. But they are good, important, and necessary. You will be better off in engaging, whether it’s to help someone, or when you have lost someone yourself.

Here’s How To Be More Mindful and Present

October 12, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

With our busy schedules, it is so easy for us to miss out on a day and fail to be present. Many leaders and parents I work with, for example, tell me that when they go to bed at night, they realize that all they did that day, was make decisions and solve problems.

They missed out on stopping and smelling the roses. It’s a problem for most of us, and you really don’t want to miss a lifetime by being a compulsive “doer.”

Mindfulness and presence are merely awareness of one’s current experience. It’s just being “in touch.”

For example, there is a big difference between writing up a report at work, and realizing I am so bored with this, I wish I were playing a video game. There is a big difference between trying to get your kid to do his homework and realizing I feel somewhat helpless, frustrated and a bit angry right now.

As Allen Saunders said, “Life is what happens to us when we are making other plans.” So here are some tips to help you be more mindful and present in your daily life.

Tips For Being More Present

Value being present. Just think about what a loss it would be to miss out on experiencing life. Yes, we all have tasks and goals to accomplish, and we all want to be successful. But the longitudinal research of human lifetimes indicates that people who did nothing but work and engage in tasks tend to have huge regrets as they age. On the more positive side of the coin, why do we take so many smartphone photos? We know that experiencing life is essential and valuable. It brings meaning to what we do.

Schedule it. I set my digital watch to go off every few hours in my day. It is a reminder to stop whatever I’m doing (unless I’m speaking to an audience), and just be aware of what I’m experiencing. I haven’t found it helpful to just reflect on my day when I’m ready to go to sleep. For me, that’s a form of missing out. Nor does it work for me to tell myself, Ok, be mindful today. We have too many tasks crowding our mental reminders in the first place. But a little alarm does the trick for me.

Don’t Miss on Life

Deal with the categories. There are several types of experiences and emotions corresponding to our experiences. Just take a couple of minutes and ask yourself these questions.

General well being: How am I feeling right now in general, positive or negative? Are you happy, content, feeling connected, full of energy? Or are you somewhat down, discouraged, anxious or overwhelmed? Don’t go into solutions mode here, you can do that later. You need the practice of being aware of what’s going on inside you first, and that will help with the solutions.
Relationships: Who are you having feelings about right now? It might be your spouse or significant other. It might be a friend or coworker. It might be your child. It might be the person who just cut you off on the freeway. People trigger lots of feelings in us. I share five ways mindfulness can improve your relationships here.
Activities: How are you feeling about what you are doing? Are you fist pumping because you just crushed it at work? Are you irritated at yourself because you missed going to the gym again?
Past: Are you feeling something about a past event or relationship? We can be currently mindful about our histories. You may have lost someone who comes to mind, and you may be sad for a bit. Or you may remember a great vacation and want to savor what that was like.
Future: What future events are you anxious about, or dread? Which ones do you look forward to? Just bring these to mind, and understand why they are important to you. You can discover why time is your most valuable currency here.

So don’t miss out on life! Be mindful as soon as you read this blog. Best to you.

3 Skills to Help Improve Your Willpower

October 5, 2018 by sgadmin 4 Comments

When is the last time you said to yourself, I just need more willpower so that I’ll … (fill in the blank: workout more, eat better, get to bed earlier, have a hard conversation, the list is very long)? Each and every week, we find ourselves not accomplishing the habits and decisions that are important to us. It can be a discouraging and frustrating experience.

The truth that I have discovered over years of study and working with people is this: willpower can be strengthened only when we realize that willpower is more of a result than a cause.

What is Willpower?

In other words, when people tell you, “Look, it’s just a choice. All you have to do is choose to get up earlier, not eat sweets, etc.,” they are missing the point. The reality is that our chooser (that is, our willpower) is actually the problem. You can’t willpower your way to success and health.

It is much more effective to think of willpower as a mental mechanism that needs to be fed and developed into a strength. Most people with great willpower are doing the behaviors that require this.

Improve Your Willpower

I believe there are three skills that will strengthen our choosers. Here they are.

#1: Write down your “why.” We tend to do what is important to us, what we value. It helps us focus our energies on those things we deeply love and care about. For example, the “why” of working out more maybe “because I want to be healthy enough to be with my family and love them for many years,” or “because I want to feel good and have my body do what needs to be done,” or both. The “why” gets you way beyond “just choose it.”

#2: Let those in your Life Team encourage you. Your Life Team is comprised of those safe and honest people in your life whom you trust. Tell this team about your challenges to develop better habits, and ask for their support. Have them text you a couple of times a week with simple encouragements, like “I know it’s been a busy week, but I’m pulling for you to get up early and workout. Thinking about you.”

Neuroscience research is proving to us how much energy and motivation comes from a simple, caring, encouraging statement from others. I am on a flight writing this blog and just sent one to a friend who is going through a very complex negotiation process in the company he runs. It took me one minute, and he replied instantly that it helped him continue on.

#3: Learn from failure. Don’t let the “judge” in your head say, “you blew it again, what a loser.” Failure is merely a learning curve. The only way to indeed fail is to learn nothing from it! So, why did you avoid that hard conversation? Was it because you were too busy, or feared conflict, or had second thoughts? Figure that part out, and forge ahead.

Make Better Choices

Willpower is a great servant but a poor master. Strengthen it, and you’ll make better choices. You will be amazed at the amount of energy and motivation that goes along with increasing your willpower. Change your mindset to focus on the “why.” Learn to accept (and give) encouragement.

And by the way, when your favorite “willpower” friend says “Well, just choose the right thing,” just say “So we don’t need to understand our reasons, or get encouragement, or deal with our obstacles?” Maybe it will help them, too.