Dr. John Townsend

4 Components of Good Character

July 23, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

“It builds character.”

You’ve surely heard the phrase at least once in your life. Generally, that statement is said to a person after something negative has happened in their lives that they must now overcome. So, by now, you’ve probably heard it at least once.

Look, life is tough. It just is. I understand the struggles surrounding getting older, becoming parents and grandparents, upsizing, downsizing, illness, career transitions, grief – this list goes on and on. How you handle the ups and downs of life makes all the difference and can indeed build character.

What Exactly Is “Character?”

Admittedly, the definition of “character” is somewhat abstract.

I define it as having a set of abilities required to meet the demands of reality. Most of the time, we are not really in control of what’s happening around us. That’s okay. It’s part of God’s plan for us.

As you know, life has many requirements to function. As you get older, it goes from making the bed and tying your shoelaces to finding your life’s passion, marrying the right person, having a family, and eventually retiring to enjoy your golden years. All of that “stuff” requires character because none of it is easy at the outset.

To make life work, you must focus on character growth first, and not just the results you want in the end.

Why Is Character Growth Important?

There are two main reasons character growth is so critical to all aspects of your life.

First, everything starts with who you are on the inside. Who you are shapes how you behave. How you behave then becomes how you relate and how you relate becomes how you succeed.

So, it starts with the inside and works outward. We all want great relationships. Character growth allows how we are on the inside to create the warmth that radiates around us.

Secondly, character is important because life has lots of demands. They can be simple or they can be as complicated. Either way, life is demanding and your character shapes how you approach and handle these situations.

The Four Components of Good Character

Now, I’m going to break down the four components of good character. These will make all the difference for having a successful life.

1. Attachment: Attachment is the ability to trust and be vulnerable, to be able to open up to people and create a support network. These could be people who end up on your life team. You also understand that not everyone is safe or meant to be a part of that. Attachment means finding the right people to provide the nutrients you need for growth. Read about how to create your life team here.
2. Separation: Separation means the ability to have your own voice, make your own choices, and to be a free person. Because some people are very attached, they have relationships, but they feel guilty about speaking up and about disagreeing and confronting. This means they don’t have good boundaries. Separation and attachment need to balance each other out as you work on your character.
3. Integration: Integration means there are two kinds of realities in our life: There’s the positive realities of my strengths, good people, good experiences, and great mission in life. But, there are also negative realities, like my own brokenness, my own failure, my own losses, my own pains, how other people let me down, and how I’ve let other people down. Integration means I can live with the positives very well and I can embrace the negatives at the same time.
4. Maturity: Maturity means I am confident in who I am and I know why I’m here. Maybe you’ve raised a great family and have a wonderful career. Maybe you’ve learned to walk away from negative relationships. Maturity also means being able to take everyone’s needs into consideration when making important decisions, including your own.

So, what now? In your own life, start identifying those four character growth components and see where you have room for growth.

Life will not work until we have the character to make it work.

Opioids: How to Help Someone Battling Addiction

July 20, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We are seeing a great deal on the news about the opioid crisis in the U.S. and in the world these days.

Opioids are pain-relieving substances which exist in prescription form (oxycodone, hydrocodone, codeine and morphine), in synthetics (fentanyl) and in illegal forms (heroin). I simply cannot overemphasize how incredibly hyper-addictive opioids can be. The Mayo Clinic puts it as clearly and directly as it can be put: “Anyone who takes opioids is at risk of developing addiction.”

On a personal note, my nephew recently died from opioid addiction. He was a young man with a bright future ahead of him, and we all cared deeply for him. Knowing firsthand what our family experienced, you would not wish this sort of tragedy on your worst enemy. The family will be dealing with the impact of opioids in his life, for many years.

Opioid addiction creates a devastating wake, including death (115 people in the US per day), health issues, long-term debilitation, family fragmentation and job losses. Recent research by Blue Cross, which insures a third of the U.S. population, is indicating a decline in opioid addiction by its members. That is an encouraging sign.

At the same time, a crisis that is declining is still a crisis.

This is no time for any of us to become disengaged or complacent.

So, here are some tips to help someone you care about or even yourself.

Educate yourself. Knowledge is power. It will help you to understand the main realities of opioid addiction on several levels: how the chemicals work in the brain; the nature of the addiction process; how to identify it in someone; what treatments are available; helping the family, and the legal and political aspects. The information will help you to think clearly and know better how to act when you are faced with any aspect of addiction.
If you see it, say it. Far too many people don’t want to rock the boat with someone they suspect of using. Sometimes they don’t want to upset the relationship, sometimes they doubt their own gut and observations, and sometimes it just isn’t a priority. But the harm of saying something and being wrong about it is far less than the danger of not saying anything and being wrong about that. You aren’t judging or condemning anyone to tell them what you are observing in their behavior and patterns, and you are speaking from love and concern.
Address the national conversation. There is no way that the opioid crisis will be resolved only by finding good treatments. We need a larger conversation by advocates to work on a legal and financial level, to deal with matters such as availability and sourcing. Ask your local congressperson what they are doing, and how you can engage.

In the end, it is all about taking action.

By the way, I would like for my nephew’s story to be accompanied by his name, to make it more personal and real. His name is Adam.

6 Ways We Can Learn to Trust Again

July 16, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We are born trusting. In the beginning, we put our trust in our parents and relatives to care for us, love us, and keep us alive. Yes, these are basic needs, but they are also important ones!

Unfortunately, over time, something happens.

We get let down. We get left out. We go through a break-up or betrayal. The hard truth is that a lot of things just happen in our lives that cause us to lose trust in others. Knowing this, is it even possible to learn to trust again?

Yes. You can trust again!

Defining Trust is a Must

How do we define trust?

Trust is allowing someone to know our vulnerabilities. It’s about revealing our soft spots, failures, pain, negatives, and weaknesses. When you allow someone to see the real you, it’s a way of saying, “I trust you with this information, and I believe that you’re not going to do something hurtful to me with it.”

In the Bible, one of the translations for the word “trust” in Hebrew is “to be careless.” This means that you have so much trust in someone that you’re just careless with them. You don’t worry about saying the right thing. There is no walking on eggshells. There is no fear. You are truly yourself when you show that vulnerability and trust.

This “carelessness” comes from knowing that, no matter what, you are safe with this person you trust. When someone violates that trust or exposes one of the “secret parts” of ourselves that we don’t share with everyone, it hurts. Sometimes deeply.

That betrayal is what I call a trust fracture. How do trust fractures happen? Unfortunately, trust can be broken in a number of ways, especially as we grow older.

Divorce, problems with an adult child, challenges at work, friendship drama, and disappointment are all common culprits of trust fractures. How we approach rebuilding trust after it fractures that makes all the difference.

The Two Big Don’ts in Trusting

Two different outcomes can happen when someone breaks our trust. Sadly, sometimes these trust fractures happen more than once and we experience a hurtful pattern from the same person. Small breaches in confidence add up! Once those breaches happen, it can be hard to trust anyone, whether they’re a longtime friend or someone new.

Big Don’t #1: We don’t trust anyone.

When we lose trust, we often default to not trusting ANYONE. That’s not good at all. You need safe people in your life and that means having trust in them. They’ll give you the right nutrients for a happier and more trusting life. (Information on how to identify the safe people in your life is in my blog post here.)

Big Don’t #2: We trust everyone (but shouldn’t)

Or, conversely, we trust TOO quickly. When people let us down or are inconsistent, we can sometimes forgive and forget without sitting back and thinking, “Let me discern if you’re gonna really change your ways here.”

Then, the cycle repeats.

Trusting everyone or trusting no one at all is not a healthy way to work through losing trust. You end up in a passive permanent state where you wait for people to come to you. That won’t give you the nutrients you need at all.

6 Ways to Learn to Trust Again

The good news is that you can learn to trust again, no matter how deep the fracture, if both people agree to change (and actually do).

Repairing a trust fracture won’t happen overnight. It is going to be hard work, too. It takes time to rebuild trust or to initially put your trust in someone after a pattern of broken promises. But, if you follow these steps, you will be in a prime position to start trusting again.

Count The Cost. By not trusting anyone, consider these questions: What am I missing out on? Am I lonely? Am I lacking energy? Healthy boundaries are one thing. They help us with trusting people. But, when you put up too many boundaries to the point of isolation, you lose out on the potential for the nutrients needed for a happier life.
Don’t Be Afraid. A big step toward rebuilding trust or putting your trust in someone new is overcoming the fear-need complex. It’s something in our head that says, “I’m afraid of needing people so I won’t need them. But, then I feel like I really need them and I get afraid.” It’s a hard, back and forth internal struggle. Let the need overcome that fear.

Stick Your Toe in the Water. Take a small risk with someone NEW and see what happens. Allow someone to see a small mistake you made and be vulnerable. This is what happens right after you work through the fear I mentioned in #2.

Pick the Right People to Trust. Trusting someone is hard, so don’t make it harder than it has to be. Make sure people deserve your trust. You’ve got to make sure the people you’re surrounding yourself with are not going to intentionally betray your trust I always stress the need to identify safe people and trust is a big part of that concept.

Treat Others as You Want to Be Treated. Trust is truly a two-way street. The foundation of trust is built when you treat someone well, regardless of what they can or can’t do for us. Start to look out for them, start to put their needs in front of your own. It’s a lot easier to build trust with someone who shows consistent, good behavior toward us. It’s also a way to show the other person how they can build trust with you!

Balance Strength & Vulnerability. A strong person is one who can be vulnerable with others. Meaning, strength comes from being able to trust someone. For example, if you tell someone you want to trust that you’re feeling anxious about a situation at work and they give you warmth in response, that’s a show of strength. It is not weak to show vulnerability. Quite the opposite in fact. Keep in mind, this is not the kind of strength that dominates people or controls them, but the kind of strength that is balanced with being vulnerable.

It takes a lot of work to build trust, and even more, work to build it back up after a trust fracture. Trust is not something that should be given freely (meaning just to anyone). It should be earned.

School Shootings: How You Can Think and Act About Them

July 13, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Some of the most heartbreaking and disturbing feelings you can experience are in the aftermath of the tragedy of a school shooting.

It is something we were not designed to handle, as the depth of the loss is intense. The feelings we have tend to be a combination of horror, sadness, anger and being overwhelmed.

We are horrified by knowing kids, our most vulnerable population, are being killed. Our sadness is a reflection of our compassion for these children and their families, in which life has been marked forever. Anger comes against the murderer, creating a desire for justice. And the overwhelmed part is because there is so much division in our country about what can solve this.

There are some ways to think about this controversial issue, and some things we can do, that will help. Here are some tips:

Get clear.

Neuroscience teaches us that our minds do not do well in an overwhelmed state. When we see a video of a shooting and then feel the emotions I described, our brains go into the amygdala mode, which is our reactive, fight-or-flight mode. The strength of these strong and conflicting emotions can, over time, keep us upset, feeling paralyzed, and not being able to let this go and deal with our normal lives.

This is no solution for how to solve the issue, nor is it one what is good for your personal life either. So get clear: make sure you are talking to safe people in your life who can really hear how much emotion you feel. You don’t want to be alone with those feelings.

Also, study the issue, don’t ignore it. Ignorance adds to the confusion, and information clarifies. Figure out which of the experts and solutions make sense to you. Take a stance, even though it isn’t perfect. You will simplify your mind’s clarity and be able to handle what you think about the situation.

Think in terms of balance.

We need to deal with the symptom of the problem, which is that, in the current environment, our schools need systems for protection and security. And we need to deal with the causes as well. There are several causes that are being investigated, with mental illness, gun control, and criminal behavior being some of the most discussed ones.

An approach that only addresses the symptoms is bound to ultimately fail, as is the cause-focused approach as well. If a doctor has a patient with a raging fever, she will certainly give him something for his discomfort, but she will also examine him for a bacterial, viral, or other cause, to solve the underlying problem.

Don’t be the hand-wringer. Be a solver.

Unfortunately, we tend to move into “it’s all going to hell in a handbasket” conversations when we see the horror and devastation of these school shooting tragedies. We certainly all need time and conversations to process this, in order to digest the data in our brains.

But, once you have done that, stay away from those conversations that don’t go anywhere after a while, except into helplessness and bitterness. They aren’t good for you or the schools.

I was at a dinner of friends recently where a few people got into the topic, and it was going nowhere except into more unproductive, helpless and angry feelings. Then, one of the people in the group said, “We’ve talked about this a lot, and it’s important. Can we either come up with our ideas for solutions or change the subject?” The result was that several people had some good ideas, and it became a more helpful conversation.

Our kids and our schools deserve the most thoughtful solutions possible. We need to all look for answers.

Here Are 3 Tips for Healthy Parenting

July 9, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

No doubt about it – parenting is a vast undertaking! I have two sons of my own. Trust me, I know that raising a child can be a tough but rewarding journey with a lot of responsibility. No matter how prepared you feel before your kid is born, you quickly learn that you have a lot to learn! Good thing making mistakes are a natural part of life!

Being a parent is very complicated because you have to raise this little person who is in your controlled home environment for 18 years. After that, they emerge as an adult and are hopefully ready to take on the world.

Part of being a healthy parent is learning to deal with failure. You can read more about how to work through it on one of my previous blog posts.

There is a lot of pressure put on parents to be perfect. This might be pressure you feel from other parents, or even yourself depending on the situation. It’s impossible to be a perfect parent! You can be a healthy parent, though.

So, what does great parenting look like?

Your job as a parent is to teach your child what it means to be someone who can handle the demands of reality, including finding their passion, having great relationships, and learning how to navigate the ups and downs that come with living.

Is there really a “wrong way” to parent?

I’m sure many of you are hoping that the answer is no – there is no “wrong way” to parent. Sorry – that’s not the case here! Unfortunately, there are some ways people approach child-rearing that doesn’t really work.

When you don’t give your child unconditional warmth (love) or structure, you’re setting yourself up for a dysfunctional relationship down the road. To be a successful adult, a child needs to have a steady relationship based on trust, and know that they are living in a home where they are loved and accepted no matter what.

Believe it or not, if you don’t implement structure or rules in your home, you could be unintentionally creating a culture of entitlement, which you definitely do not want. Who wants to raise a child who feels like the world owes them something?

In my book, “The Entitlement Cure,” I talk about how I raised my own children with warmth and structure. Here’s an excerpt:

“I had told our kids in a thousand ways, ‘as you go through life with us, you will need a lot of things. You’ll get what you need — things like love, food, shelter, safety, values, structure, faith, opportunity, and an education. We are committed to seeing that you get what you need. But we also want you to know that you really don’t deserve anything. You can’t demand a toy, a phone, a laptop, or a car. That attitude won’t work with us. Need, yes; deserve, not so much.’”

As a parent, your ultimate goal should be for your child to be autonomous from you, especially financially. If you don’t have structure or warmth, you could be setting yourself up for having to continue parenting long after your child leaves the nest. For example, if you have too much structure, your child may take that as a sign that everything they do in life must adhere to strict standards. That’s not healthy. Again, no one is perfect.

3 Tips for Healthy Parenting

Now that we’ve talked a little bit about the wrong way to parent, let’s focus on a few ways to do parenting right. If these suggestions are new to you, do not fret – you aren’t alone! It seems to me that all parents are making it up as they go along, and most of us are just trying to do our best. You aren’t perfect and that’s okay!

Here are three tips for a healthy parent-child relationship that I’ve learned by raising my own kids and coaching thousands of other parents on healthy parenting.

Marry warmth and structure with warmth being dominant. While you need a healthy balance between warmth and structure, warmth has to take a dominant role. A child has to know that, no matter what, you’re for them and love them. Warmth is a number one priority, with the structure being a close second. Integrate and balance them. But, remember warmth first.
Keep the future in mind. We’ve already established that no parent, no matter how hard you try, is going to be perfect. You’re going to make mistakes and that’s okay. It’s part of the job. It’s about how what you do now is going to impact what he or she does when they are an adult. It’s always about the future, so don’t just try to solve the crisis at hand. Pick your battles wisely.
Commit yourself. Everyone has a unique experience growing up. The best thing you can do is reflect on your own upbringing and commit to being a better parent than you had.

You’re still going to make mistakes because parenting is a messy process. That’s okay! Remember to be intentional with your parenting. Be warm. Provide structure and unconditional support.

Why the Family Separation/Detention Issue Touches Us

July 6, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

The debate over immigration in the US is fierce and complex, and the issue of families being separated has taken the intensity to a new level. People are polarized on their views of this. No matter what you believe the solutions should be, you cannot help but feel deeply that this matters. Here are some thoughts about this, and what you can do to make sense of things.

We think in terms of family. Our minds are designed so that we are a family-oriented species. We started in a family, we grew up in a family, and most of us create our own families. A family is where life starts and is developed. We hope to end our lives in the company of those family members we have loved for years. Even those of us who had struggling families still have a hope and a desire for a better and more loving family down the line. We are even interested in others’ families, and how healthy they are. It’s just in our DNA. We can’t ignore the reality and importance of family.

Vulnerability requires priority. The younger the child in a family, the more they must take a high priority in any decision. Developmentally, younger children do not have the internal fortitude or skills to handle the stresses of life. On a neurological level, their brains are unformed and vulnerable. That is why however this issue plays out, we must always put those who are less “able” at a high priority. The imprinting of both healthy and harmful experiences will affect the entire lifetime of a young child, so we must have a focus on helping that go right.

We want to help, but don’t know how. Millions of us read about and view the issue, and go away feeling a bit helpless, like “I can’t do anything about this.” That sense of helplessness conflicts with our natural compassion for safe families where the young are protected. Those two feelings do not go together. That is why the best route is to do something helpful, wherever you are on the debate. Read up on it. Investigate both sides without a bias. Get in touch with the decisionmakers on the position you have worked out for yourself, and ask them how you can help.

Families cannot be ignored, because we can’t ignore a part of ourselves. Pay attention to the issue, and support the best solution.