Dr. John Townsend

Author: Dr. John Townsend

  • 4 Steps To Dealing With Failure In A Healthy Way

    4 Steps To Dealing With Failure In A Healthy Way

    God designed you for many wonderful purposes! He made you so your self-image would be your friend and ally. A positive self-image will help you make great choices, find your passions, and succeed in all walks of life. It was also designed to help you fail well.

    Let’s face it – failure is going to happen to you at some point in your life.

    Read my recent blog on dealing with failure as a starting point.

    Healthy self-image can help you learn to fail in redemptive ways.

    People with a healthy and accurate self-image don’t have a big problem with failure. Why is that? It’s because they have harnessed the ability to fail well.

    How Does a Healthy Self-Image Help Us Fail Well?

    The idea of failing well might be a new concept to some of you. That’s okay.

    Let me explain how it should work when we fail. You should experience five stages:

    • Disappointment: That was a bummer; I’m sad about this.
    • Leaning on God: I need his help and wisdom in this.
    • Support: I think I need to call my friend Pat about this and get some face time.
    • Learning: What was my contribution to this problem? What do I need to change?
    • Adaptation: It’s time to swing the bat again and try things a different way.

    Training our brains to learn lessons and grow from failure is the key to failing in a healthy way. Following the five steps outlined above will help you to learn as time goes on.

    Entitlement Can Hurt Failing Well

    Entitlement cripples your ability to fail well and hampers your capacity to learn and grow from failure. Research has shown that entitlement creates a paradox of self-images within us, one external and the other internal. This means the two self-images we have are in conflict.

    The person with entitlement looks confident about themselves on the outside, to the point of arrogance or cockiness. They don’t need to prepare a talk, practice a golf swing, or take a course on building a resume. The  external self-image says, “I am above all that because I am special.”

    Given what we’ve seen and experienced personally with entitled people, we might expect this. What we might not expect is the existence of a different self-image deeper within the entitled person–one that is insecure and afraid, and above all, risk-averse.

    The entitled person is deathly afraid of taking a risk and failing.

    An Example of a Double Self-Image

    I have a friend whose parents encouraged him to pursue what he was gifted at (and could do easily) but avoided pushing him in areas he would have to work hard in to be successful. He was a talented musician but didn’t like math. So they let him slide in math and kept him focused on music.

    The result? As an adult, he loves his music, but has great difficulty in his financial life and has been in serious trouble with his money.

    Because of his double self-image, he doesn’t try to face his financial challenges. Instead, he freezes up and avoids his money issues because he is overwhelmed when dealing with matters that are hard for him. Unfortunately, dealing with difficult matters is a skill his parents never forced him to learn while young. You don’t want your child, spouse, or employee to have this experience! 

    The Simple Solution

    How can you begin to fail well? Start by helping people to feel competent because they are competent (not to just make them feel good about themselves). The young baseball player doesn’t need groundless praise; he needs parents and coaches who will support his attempts to develop a better swing with hundreds of pitched balls until he starts connecting. The young grad student needs a job where she is around people as intelligent as she is, who challenge her and who help her wrestle with difficult matters.

    People don’t first feel competent and then become competent. It’s the other way around. They become competent and then they feel competent. It is the history, the experience, the at-bats, that create a sense of “I can do this.” And before we reach that point, all we have is, “I have people who love and support me while I am not-yet-competent.” And that is enough.

    How to Learn from Failure (in a Healthy Way)

    I’m going to give you a few steps to take as you grow after a failure. These are internal steps you can take at your own pace.

    The sequence, then, is this:

    1. Positive self-talk. Before you achieve competence, you are loved, you are okay, you are supported by God and others. It is grace, the essence of love that is not performance-based: “Though I am not competent at this, I am loved” is the positive self-image at this stage.
    2. Step out of your comfort zone. You try new things, and while no one does them well at first, the “loved” self-image carries the day.
    3. Try, try again. You practice, learn, get advice, fail, and adapt.
    4. It gets better. Gradually, you begin doing things better. Now the self-image says, “I am loved, and I am competent.”

    This is what works. Love precedes confidence, but confidence can’t exist outside of failure and adaptation. When your self-image aligns with what is real and true about you — in other words, how God sees and experiences you — it works for you and not against you. This is the foundation of how we learn and grow from failure.

    Admittedly, everyone struggles with failure. That’s okay. It’s normal. If you are wanting to learn more about how to grow from a failure, become a TownsendNOW member. Our Certified Coaches can guide you through the challenges and get you on the path to growth.

     

    This article was curated from “The Entitlement Cure” by Dr. John Townsend.

  • Dealing with Failure

    Dealing with Failure

    Let’s take a moment and admit something important: everyone experiences failure from time to time! You fail, I fail. The only people who claim they don’t fail are crazy. Everyone fails. It’s part of growth!

    First thing is first, what is failure? At first glance, it seems like a lofty concept. But, failure is when you don’t meet some expectation either in a relationship or task. We all fail; it’s how we deal with that failure that really matters.

    Beware of These 3 Negative Responses to Failure

    Now, there are some unhealthy ways that people try to deal with failure. These habits don’t help us learn how to work through it, and it’s important to learn from our failures so that we can grow.

    1. Excuses, excuses. The first negative response is to excuse it. Like, “It wasn’t me, it was everyone else.”

    Have you ever been around somebody that just points the finger? It can be very draining, can’t it? It bugs everyone involved when someone makes excuses, and those excuses don’t solve the problem either.

    1. Try, try again (without changing anything). The second unhelpful way people negatively respond to failure is to try harder. “Well, I’ll try to get it right this time.”

    It’s like a New Year’s Resolution. “I’m gonna lose weight, I’m gonna make more money, and I’m gonna be nicer to my family. ” We try and try and try, but working harder and trying harder really doesn’t help if we are repeating the same steps or actions. Without changing anything about our approach, we set ourselves up for failure. The reason so many people don’t keep their New Year’s Resolutions is that they fail to hold themselves accountable.

    1. Shame on me! The third unhelpful way to deal with failure is what I like to call a shame attack. This reaction might vary from person to person, and it centers around beating yourself up and calling yourself names. “You really messed up. You must be really stupid!”

    Stop doing that right now. As I said earlier, EVERYONE fails, so take yourself off the hook. What’s more important is understanding why the failure occurred. Stop wasting time calling yourself names, and start thinking about how you will change for the better next time around.

    How to Deal with Failure

    We’ve spent some time talking about what not to do. Now, let’s focus on healthy ways to deal with failure. The idea here is not to be overwhelmed (and start bad mouthing yourself) when you fail.

    1. Failing is normal. Dealing with failure in a healthy way starts with realizing it’s inevitable. Failing is regular! We all let ourselves or other people down at some point in our lives, and that is perfectly normal.
    2. Talk it out. I’ve talked before about having a life team. Having this team in place when you fail can be critical to moving forward. This means having two or three people around that you trust and that will really listen when you need them. They won’t judge or shame you. They’re not going anywhere, no matter how hard you fail. Even if they’re upset about your failure, they will still like you and want to help.
    3. Lessons learned. Examining why you failed and thinking through what you can change for next time is how you grow, both personally and professionally. What did you learn this time that you can do better next time around? For example, “Since I found myself snapping at my kids, well, maybe I was too stressed at work and I need to take 15 minutes to go jog before I go play with my kids. I’ve learned to have better boundaries.” Learn lessons from your failure, and then work on possible solutions.

    Failure is going to happen in life and that’s okay. Just remember to not get caught up in a negative cycle of self-talk or beating yourself up. Take away something positive from the experience and learn as you grow.

     

  • Are You Using Social Media in a Healthy Way?

    Are You Using Social Media in a Healthy Way?

    I love using social media. It’s not going away, and I’m glad. Social media makes our lives better, but that also means that we must be able to use it wisely.

    Before we get any further, let me just define the terms here.

    Social media is any kind of a website or application that involves the delivery of content that leads to interaction with other people.

    Benefits of Healthy Social Media Use

    Social media can provide many benefits, including:

    • Stronger Relationships
    • More Success
    • Entertainment

    Unfortunately, we tend to see people get stuck in addictive cycles on social media. This could mean they are constantly on their phone, which can also lead to physical problems like eye strain headaches. Or, they seek out people who may’ve been problematic in the past, which can lead to all kinds of emotional challenges. Social media is supposed to be primarily for entertainment. It simply cannot take over your life.

    The main thing to consider when using social media is, “Is it helping me be a better person? Am I in charge of it or is it in charge of me?”

    Watch Out For the Negatives of Social Media

    Let me give you some of the negative ways people handle being constantly connected.

    The first is access issues. You have your home life, work or school life, friends, church, etc. All too often, work or school can be accessed through text or email. You are technically available anytime. Do you respond or simply let it go for the time being?

    Another thing is quality vs. quantity. When surfing social media make sure you’re not allowing stuff in that’s going to adversely impact your emotional or spiritual well-being. Then, there’s quantity. There’s so much research out there about how people are spending way too much time on Facebook, Twitter, etc., and it gets in the way of real life and real experiences.

    Healthy Social Media Boundaries

    Now, let me give you some healthy ways to deal with this:

    1. Make sure you’re living a healthy life. You’re working out and dealing with people who are good for you and you’re doing something meaningful with your time. Nature abhors a vacuum. When we don’t have a healthy life and we’re lonely or isolated, we have a tendency to go into the digital world. This is the addictive process. Look, just like some people turn to drugs or alcohol, they can also go into the social media world because their real life’s not working. So, have the healthiest life possible.
    2. Set realistic ground rules. To start, establish times when you cannot be accessed. Use this as a time where you can be disconnected and have real-world experiences, whether it a be a workout or going to church.

     

     

  • Digital Boundaries

    Digital Boundaries

    Tech offers many wonderful options through the web, smartphones, tablets, and so forth. That being said, it can be very easy to “sucked in” to the digital world and lose sight of priorities in the real world. It can also make it hard to set aside time to take care of yourself and others.

    What Are Digital Boundaries?

    Simply put, digital boundaries are property lines designed to optimize the positives and minimize the negatives of the digital world.  

    When you have reasonable property lines, the digital world becomes your servant and not your master. It’s often the other way around for many of us these days.

    That’s not good for us.

    Why Are Digital Boundaries Important?

    Let me explain why digital boundaries are so important. First, there are times we MUST have freedom from access, meaning access to yourself, people who want your time and attention or to hang out.

    The digital age has changed everything. It’s no longer just getting up, going to work, coming home, and spending time with family. Now, anybody can get to you anywhere on the planet, at any time of day, 24/7, sun up, sun down, moon up, moon down.

    Have you ever had an instance where you get home from work and you get an email or text and think, “Oh, that’ll take me a second?”

    It’s bad for our brains.

    It’s bad for our relationships.

    In fact, it’s bad for life.

    Starting Setting Digital Boundaries

    The time to set some digital boundaries is NOW! To start, we need to set reasonable digital boundaries when we get home from work. Yes, it’s time to turn off your devices and being present! For example, I like to go ‘no digital’ for an hour after I get home from work to spend quality time with my wife and kids.

    Setting digital boundaries is an important idea is because we need great relationships in real life to keep us energized. I mean, isn’t life really about relationships and the things we do?

    Great relationships thrive with face-to-face interaction. The more face time you have with the people that are important to you (like someone you’re dating, your spouse, your kids, grandkids, or your great friends) the better the relationship will be.

    Making time to connect with these people in real life, instead of digitally, will help foster strong relationships. Emphasize how important seeing them face-to-face is to you, and I’m confident you’ll be happy with how these relationships grow.

    What my wife and I do sometimes is have a “non-pixelated night.” This means there’s no TV, you can’t get to us over the phone, and there’s no texting or email. I know you think this might be impossible to do. Admittedly, it’s been hard, but really cool. Try limiting your digital exposure over time instead of all at once to get started.

    Worried about your own digital boundaries? Join TownsendNOW to get help setting realistic digital boundaries with the people in your life!

     

  • Leading a Family

    Leading a Family

    What does it mean to serve as the head of a family?

    A family is really an oven, growing people to be the best they can be, to learn their talents, to feel loved, to feel like they have choices, etc. To lead a family unit is to influence your kin to be the best oven of growth possible.

    As a household leader (which usually means a Mom or a Dad), you’re going to influence your family; it’s up to you to create a place where all the elements of growth and the kids’ work come together.

    If you are leading with integrity, that means you’re working hard, God’s working hard, and really good things happen. Leadership is an influence.

    Why Is Leading A Family Important?

    First off, leading a family is an expression of love. I mean, one of the primary feelings we feel inside is that we love our kids. When you have kids, they can sort-of drive you crazy, but they’re also the people you love more than anything in the world.

    Simple fact – kids can’t do it on their own.

    By definition, a kid can’t lead a family. Sometimes, you see this happening with absent and dysfunctional parents when you’ve got somebody 11 years old who has to be a grown-up. This isn’t fair – kids can’t do it.

    Basically, a parent is the person who has the maturity, structure, and all the tolerance and wisdom to pull it off. You can’t expect a child to have these things and lead a family!

    Another important thing about leading a family is you really want to work yourself out of a job. Your job as a good parent, really as a good leader of a family, is to work yourself out of a job. Your goal should be to be fired, so to speak, one future day at the right time. If you’re always somebody’s parent at 25, and 35, and 45, you’ve still got children.

    When you think about it like this, the end goal for your children is really autonomy. The goal in leading a family is for your kids go out and win the world themselves.

    Your job as a family leader is to help your kids be self-sufficient and find their life in their own way.

    When In Doubt, Be Warm

    Another thing about leading a family is, sometimes it can be tough! When in doubt, move to warmth, and when there’s still doubt, move to strictness.

    In great meta-studies, researchers found out that warmth and strictness from parents made for highly-functioning children over a long period of time.

    So, what is warmth? Simply put, it’s just getting on their level and talking to them about life. Learn and apply listening skills and get them to open up.

    Part of being the leader of a family is applying appropriate strictness. Functional families need boundaries, house rules, ground rules, consequences, and values.

    This also means that you’ve got to be the one with a thick skin and let people hate you. This is how families grow together.  I mean, it’s a tale as old as time – kids must hate you (respectfully) and rebel, which will ultimately result in (fair) consequences. The big thing is that you can’t take this personally – it’s part of growing up and they will grow out of it.

    Final Thoughts

    Part of leading a family is giving your kids room to grow. Be the good parent that lets them make other friends. Keep in mind that they’ve got to be the right friends, hopefully, with good parents, you can trust You don’t want your kids to be around toxic friends, but if you’ve done your job right you won’t have to worry about this. Instead, learn when to start letting go of the reins a bit and trust your kids to pick the right people to spend their time with.

    Struggling to connect with your children? Get real-world guidance today from TownsendNOW!

     

  • Leading a Team

    Leading a Team

    The basic idea of leading a team is to influence a small group of individuals to perform at levels that they could not without you. In other words, they can do something without you, but your influence and guidance has them perform at a higher and better level. If they could do it without you, you don’t need a leader, but as you’ll see, they do need one.

    Why is Leading a Team Important?

    The research is clear – teams do better when there’s a good leader. They perform better, are more motivated, and more engaged because they’ve got someone that they know they can trust. It’s not even a question if you’ve got a team that has no leader and a team that has a leader, all things being equal, the team with the leader does better. But secondly, as the team goes, so goes the organization.

    So if you get the team going right, you’ve got a much better probability of success in the entire organization.

    Another reason this is important is that a team puts together intimacy. Teams have to learn to connect and be together. 

    Tips For Leading a Team

    First, the leader’s supposed to advocate for the mission.

    Secondly, developing trust. Every team leader must develop trust not just toward yourself, but also within the members. They have to learn how to trust each other enough to have hard conversations, to make mistakes with each other, to know they’re safe with each other.

    Third, remember to get their views before you give your view. A mistake team leaders make is putting their opinion first. You’re supposed to set the tone, but then your other job is to tease out what they’re thinking.

    Fourth, create a path. Sometimes, we call that a strategic path, sometimes we call it a path to growth, but that’s your job. You don’t have to do that by yourself, but you’re the one that’s got to make sure it happens.