Dr. John Townsend

Difficult Conversations

April 16, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Great conversations can lead to equally great personal development. But, as we know in life, we sometimes have to contend with those not-so-great conversations.

You will, more often than not, find yourself facing a difficult conversation or confrontation.

A successful confrontation will always involve balancing grace and truth. Grace is you being an advocate for the other person, while truth is whatever you need to say about the challenge at hand.

This balancing combination is referred to as being neutralized. Being neutralized doesn’t mean being neutral about the problem. In fact, the clearer you express your opinion, the better your chances of success.

Instead, being neutralized means that having grace and truth together counters the bad effects of having one of these by itself. In other words, grace or truth alone can have a negative effect in a confrontation.

People need both in their relationships.

For example, think about a time when someone told you the truth without love. You probably felt attacked, judged, or condemned. No matter how accurate the truth, it hardly mattered, because the hurtful feelings erased the truth in the confrontation.

Now reflect on a time you received grace without any truth.

Grace comforts us and keeps us safe and loved, but it doesn’t provide reality, structure, direction, or correction. You may have come away from that encounter feeling refreshed and encouraged, but without the path or insight to know what to do next. Truth neutralizes that problem and provides the way we need.

Here are some ways to keep both aspects in balance when you are having the talk:

The Other Person’s Grace and Truth: Even though you might be upset with someone, their ability to take in truth will also require love and grace, just as yours does. Your intent is not to fix, straighten out, or punish. It is to provide enough amounts of truth and grace to reconcile and solve the problem.
Lead With Grace: Tell the person you care about them and are on their side.
Keep Grace and Truth Together: You’ve got to have both elements woven into your difficult conversation. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for an unhealthy outcome, which no one wants.

A TownsendNOW membership means you get practical, Christian-based insight for having those difficult conversations.

Originally published by Faith Gateway. Taken from How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, copyright Zondervan, 2005.

Great Conversations

April 9, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Great conversations can be a really important part of your life. What is a good conversation? It’s a dialogue between two people. It’s not a monologue.

Secondly, and one of the outcomes, is information.

Thirdly, the potential for self-improvement. There are a lot of conversations I’ve been in where I’m a better person because of having been around that person.

Many times, improvement, growth, and change can be a big part of it, but it’s not always necessary.

Why is This Important in the First Place?

First off, a transfer of nutrients. The way people grow and thrive in life and succeed is because we give each other nutrients to grow. The nutrients of encouragement and attunement and then the nutrients of wisdom and feedback and all these sorts of things.

A second reason it’s important is that those great conversations are self-reinforcing. A good conversation will reinforce many more.

Third of all, I think great conversations are milestones for great decisions.

So What Do You Do About It?

Let me give you the skills that really work. One is to take initiative. Don’t wait for someone to draw you out. Be a grown-up, ask them how they’re doing but you be the first mover.

Another very important one is to move toward vulnerability. When somebody opens up and says something about themselves like a struggle or a challenge they’re having, you say, “I had no idea you had a kid that was struggling. I had no idea that you weren’t happy with your job. Tell me more about that.” People in great conversations and great conversationalists are always moving toward the vulnerability of the other person. They’re vulnerable themselves. That’s where the real payoff is.

There’s also kind of a process here. Good conversations move from events to deeper matters.

One is feelings.
Another one is relationships in general.
Another one is no hijacking the football. If you are talking about something of interest, you go mutual. You pass it back and forth.
Finally, go for mutuality. Just make that your goal in a good conversation.

Become a TownsendNOW member today to learn more about great conversations and to get the answers you can’t find anywhere else!

Challenging Self-Judgment

March 26, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Self-judgment is an attack on the self by the self.

Or, rather, it’s an attack on you by you.

I know I’m sounding kind of weird or clinical here, but that’s the definition.

We all have a judge inside and he or she is not necessarily a bad person. That judge is able to evaluate and monitor your actions. For example, when leaving a party, you think to yourself, “How was I? Was I too loud? Was I kind? Was I interested? Did I make it about me?” That’s good judgment. That’s a valuation judgment so you act like a nice person and have great relationships.

The judge in our head is supposed to be two things-it’s supposed to be accurate and warm. It’s not supposed to beat you up.

We often get caught in the trap of just trying to ignore it. That’s about as effective as saying try not to think about a purple elephant right now.

Conversely, one healthy way to deal with self-judgment is to figure out where it’s coming from. Did it come from an authority figure, a parent, a coach, a teacher, a spiritual director? Where did that come from? That helps you to identify that this isn’t just you. It came from people that maybe had a lot of influence in my life.

Check out my recent blog on safe people to learn more about how external forces can shape your inner dialogue.

Who Are “Safe People?”

March 9, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Simply put, a safe person is someone who influences you to be the person you were designed to be. It’s just that simple. It’s a person in your life who influences you. They encourage you.

Safe people are the engine that helps influence and structure the person you were designed to BE. Not the person you are NOW. I hope I’m safe for some people and I’ve got safe people around me.

Let me give you just a brief list of the nutrients that people provide for us. They accept us. They don’t judge us. They know, even with our flaws and our failings and our fears, that they’re okay with us and we’re okay with them. Safe people give us the truth. Sometimes they give us hard feedback. Safe people give us the tough talk we need sometimes.

On the other hand, the wrong kinds of people can really help you make the worst decisions.

When you meet certain people, do you feel like you need a nap afterward? I want my people in my life after I’ve been around them, to feel energized like, “Okay, I’m a better person. They have influenced me and I’ve influenced them to be the person we were designed to be.”

When you’re around people that bring you down, you don’t feel like yourself anymore or like you’ve fallen backward. You want to always be moving forward.

Here’s the problem: sometimes we don’t know how to pick. Sometimes, we pick the wrong people. Some of us have a little neon sign on our forehead that says, “Hi, 1-800-use-me.” We don’t pick people. Instead, people pick us because we’re useful, helpful, loving, and all that.

I want to help you change that.

Grace and Truth

March 2, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Grace and truth are vital parts of your spiritual and personal growth.

First, let’s talk about grace. Grace is that the other person is for us. They’re on our side. That “for” could be a lot of things. It can be acceptance, support, good listening, or it could be encouragement.

Truth is information. It’s facts. It’s data. It’s reality. Truth comes from so many sources. Truth comes from the Bible. Something good or something you need to change.

Think about how these work for a second. See, grace really means something when someone goes into the negative aspects of who you are. The judged aspects, the embarrassing aspects, the shameful aspects. When you feel grace from that, you really understand grace.

In relationships, grace and truth are essential nutrients for growth. It takes a lot for a person to grow emotionally and relationally. It’s just like all the nutrients we need to take in through food and supplements.

We talk about protein, carbs, fat, vitamins and minerals. Just like our body needs those categories to take in and eat, you have to have grace and truth for the rest of your life to grow.

One of the ways to understand the relationship between the two is that truth is sort of like a protective framework or a skeleton. Grace is the heart of who you are, while truth is the strong framework that keeps it from being hurt or damaged. Truth protects us.

Grace without truth is a lot more fun, but grace without truth really leads to license and chaos. You got to have both.

The relationship between grace and truth is very important. Make sure, when you’ve got truth to tell someone, that you express it within a context of grace, “I’m for you,” and listening to them so they understand and feel. Convey that you’re for them in your body language, the words you use, empathy, and your eye contact. When you express it to them in a way they can understand it, you’ll get a lot more change, openness, and positive feelings back from them because you had grace.

The Two Types of Growth

January 14, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Life is all about self-improvement and growth. The happiest and most successful people have some structured commitment to a growth process.

It’s critical for you to understand these two types of growth in your own journey.

Optimizing Growth. I am referring here to the fact all of us have potential to do something or become someone at a higher level than we are currently. We were designed to reach our full potential and maximize our impact on the world.

Some examples of optimizing growth would be: identifying and developing your gifts and talents, finding your innate passions in work or service, landing on your mission in life, having great family and friend relationships, and being as in-shape and healthy as possible.

Some context for optimizing growth might be joining a career development group, hiring a coach, learning a sport or musical instrument, or starting a life team for personal growth.

Healing Growth. Everyone has problems. We’re all healing from something. Some are minor, others are major. This might refer to depression, anxiety, substance issues, addictions or relational struggles. Great healing is possible and probable when we pay attention to these in a structured context. The clinical and neurobiological research areas are very helpful here as well.