Dr. John Townsend

Quality Family Time in the Digital Age

March 19, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Family is the context in which we learn to love, connect, become ourselves, grow and recharge. But we can’t assume it’s a totally protected and safe place. We have to guard our homes against everything from toxic influences to time distractions. If your family includes kids, it’s even more important, because they need our help and advocacy. Our culture is well into the digital age now. It is here to stay, and I believe it’s overall a very good thing. At the same time, the digital age can bring in influences you don’t want, and it can certainly bring in time distractions. So here are some ideas to help you keep your family experiencing the quality time it needs, while still living in the reality of an online world.

Set clear “non-pixellated times”: A friend gave me this phrase, and I love it. The digital world is easily accessible 24/7 and will be for the rest of our lives. So don’t wait for things to change to preserve family health. Set time periods where there is no digital access, including online, mobile phones, tablets, etc. Hey, Bill and Melinda Gates did this with their kids www.independent.co.uk

Put intentional thought into what “quality time” means. It’s one thing to set limits on digital time. It’s another to fill that void with great conversations and activities. Don’t substitute this with TV, movies and video games. Neuroscience research has shown that these activities have some value to mental growth in terms of some information and learning, but a lot of use ends up being at best “empty calories” for your family (basically just marking time until they grow up and leave home) and at worst, creating passivity and a lack of initiative. So be the parent who researches and comes up with structured fun activities, interactions, conversations, excursions, games and service projects. Fill that void. Your kids need it, and it will be over sooner than you think.

Love is free, freedom is earned. Your kids need your love and emotional attunement to their experiences and feelings. That is a basic need and a requirement for good parenting. But their freedom to choose how they spend their time must be earned by their good behavior. Laptops, mobile phones, tablets, TV, and gaming are not a right. They are a privilege. So if your kids are responsible in life, especially in their use of digital time, let them have age-appropriate access. If they choose to overdo things and aren’t responsible, then they are sending you a signal saying, “Help! I’m not yet mature enough to manage all this, I’m overwhelmed, please step in and be the structure I need!” Well, they won’t say that to you, but it’s still a message of what they need.

I hope this helps. You can make a difference here. For more in-depth info on this subject, read Boundaries: Updated and Expanded Edition by myself and Dr. Henry Cloud (Zondervan Publishing, 2017). The book is a New York Times bestseller and includes a chapter about having great boundaries in the digital age. Best to you!

How to Overcome Rejection

March 11, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Rejection. The word itself can make us wince. It brings up marriage and dating failures, job problems, and friendship and family snafus. Simply defined as “dismissing”, rejection is the act of turning away from someone or something. Actually, rejection is not a bad thing, we do it all the time. We reject one menu entrée for another at dinner, and we reject one Netflix show for another. But when we are rejected in a personal relationship, it can be very painful and derailing. Oh yeah, and 100% of us have been rejected at some time or another in our lives. So it is a normal human experience. So here are some tips to help you overcome it. You can’t overcome the reality of rejection. People have the freedom to reject us, and we do as well. But you can do something about the emotional disruptiveness that occurs.

Be honest about the feeling. Just say or write down, “X has rejected me. He is no longer in my life, and I feel unlikeable, cut off, unimportant, not valuable”, whatever. That’s just the reality of how you feel. Neuroscience research tells us that when we don’t face a negative, we can’t fix it. So bite the bullet and be clear about the feeling.

Parcel out the causes. There are very few cases where rejection is 100% the other person, though they do exist. So take a hard look at the relationship. What was the other person’s responsibility? Maybe they were critical, judging, dishonest or perfectionistic person. That’s bad! But go beyond that, to what your part was: perhaps you chose to overlook issues instead of addressing them, didn’t respect yourself, or didn’t admit your own flaws. That needs to be recognized. And then get to work on whatever was the beam in your own eye. That will also help decrease the pain of the rejection.

Bring to mind the “rest of” yourself. Sure, you were rejected. But that doesn’t mean that you’re a worthless person at all. Remember that you are also a pretty decent and kind person as well. Don’t get lost in the “I’m totally unlovable” thinking pattern, it will get you nowhere.

Replace the one who left. No one should be alone. Make sure you have other people in your life who “get” you, who are good listeners and who believe in you. The more you are isolated after a rejection, the more powerful the rejection. And if we’re talking dating or marriage, don’t rebound. I know it feels great. But the statistics say that if you use romantic attachment as a self-soother, you are very likely to be in the same position a few months down the line. Get with non-romantic, deep, faithful friends before you venture out into romance again.

Here is a goal: get so balanced and healthy that the next time you are rejected you’ll say, “Ouch, that’s sad. Oh well, I’ll call some friends and learn from it and have a great dinner.” Well, it won’t be that easy, but it will be better!

Motivating Yourself to Start Doing “Whatever”

March 5, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We all have some “whatever” that we just can’t motivate ourselves to start taking steps towards weight loss, job changes, marriage improvement, self-image growth, budgeting, health, and dating, for example. And there is a big gap between wanting a change, and actually doing the behaviors required to make the changes. But there are things you can do today, actually right now, to translate your “want” to action. By the way, this article isn’t a “path to success”, that’s a different blog. It’s more of a “get motivated to start by some good action steps” procedure. Here are the tips:

Clarify your “why”. Write down and read through several times, why this area of self-improvement is so important to you. Motivation comes from values and desires from deep within our brain, and they are very powerful to change behavior if we understand them. For example, say you want to lose 30 pounds. Your “why” might be because you want to feel better, to have more energy, to be a better mom or dad to your kids, to live a longer and more productive life, or to be able to wear skinny jeans! Whatever the “why” is, it has to be more than a thought, it must involve a feeling that also resonates inside. Keep working on it until you have it clarified.

Visualize the positive outcome. This is basically unpacking the “why” and applying it to the future. Write down a description of how you will experience life without the extra weight. It might be something like “I’ll wrestle with my kids more in the living room because I feel good and have the energy to spare.” Some sort of “video” makes things more real and vivid for us.

Focus at least 3 times a day until you actually “do” a behavior. Research on motivation and change shows us that in some area of life that we often get stuck, or paralyzed, or afraid to do some step. If this has been true for you, give yourself time to think and reflect on the “why,” intentionally focusing on that area. Your brain will enter a state of readiness and be prepared for that step. In the example of weight loss, that might mean signing up for a weight loss class. That’s a commitment and an action.

Let 3 people know. You need people on your team here! Just letting them know about your “why” and what your first step will be, is a tremendous motivator. They become your cheering section, and this will help you with that next action.

Motivation can lead to behavior, and behavior to change. I hope the best for you!

Peace of Mind

February 26, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Peace of mind is one of the most important experiences we can have. It’s what I call a state of internal harmony. That is, no matter how stressful your circumstances, your mind is able to feel harmony, or in sync with its different aspects. It’s like the experience of being inside a well-built car while it’s moving at 70 miles an hour: though a lot of motion and noise are going on outside, at the same time, with the doors and windows shut, you can be in a quiet environment with just a little hum going on. All the various parts of the car are synced with each other and everything is running smoothly.

Unfortunately, peace of mind is often hard to come by. We live in an anxious age, where we often feel fear, debilitating anxiety, panic, and phobias. Nothing good comes from this. So here are some tips to help you develop better peace of mind.

Identify what is causing anxiety or a feeling of stress. Global anxiety is a vague sense of unease, and it’s hard to deal with. It’s always better to pinpoint exactly where the stress is coming from A financial issue? A work challenge? A family problem? A health situation? You will notice a decrease in anxiety, and an increase in peace, just from that simple step.

Take problem-solving steps. Even if a challenge can’t be totally solved, our peace increases when we take initiative and do some action steps to resolve them. The more passive we are, the more we live in our amygdala, and we become increasingly anxious to a sometimes overwhelming degree. Initiative and moving on something, almost anything positive really, will increase peace and move us from the amygdala mode to the pre-frontal cortex mode, where we are calmer and can think more clearly.

Pull away several times a day. Since we live in a highly stimulated world, our brains don’t have a chance to calm down and center ourselves naturally. So just make that a quick habit. Take a “pull away” break, one in the morning, one in the afternoon, and one in the evening, get away from the stress, and think about the actual good in your life (don’t make stuff up, I mean the actual good !): you have a body that works, you have people that care, you have choices and freedoms. This little habit will make a significant difference.

Call your resilience to mind. Resilience means that you’re strong enough to handle the hard stuff. You have a history of facing challenges. Remember your wins and recall that you have made it through other stressors.

Make vulnerable contacts. Every day, stress or no stress, have a brief supportive conversation with someone who cares about you, and whom you care about. Be vulnerable, meaning be open with the negatives: what is stressing you and what you fear. Don’t ask the other person for solutions. Instead, tell them you just want to know they “get it”, and have them convey that to you. Internal harmony comes from this sort of conversation, in which we experience that we aren’t alone.

Life will always be stressful to some degree. But work on experiencing the hum of that well-running engine in your head.

Career World from Job World: Following Your Passion

February 19, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Work is a major section of your life, taking up 40-60 hours a week, and for decades. It’s important, and you need to think through it objectively and make those decades produce something meaningful for you. But it’s sometimes difficult to know when it’s time to pull the trigger and make the transition from a job to a career.

A job matters in that it’s a way to pay the bills. It provides some security for you. However, a career not only provides the compensation, but also serves as a way to take your passions, develop them to a high level, produce a meaningful product or service, and develop yourself on a growth track along with way.

Fewer people are sticking with one successful career these days; there are too many opportunities to learn and grow in different areas. So be ready and agile for that possibility.

I am often asked the question of “how do I know when it’s time to quit my job and go for the career?” Here are the answers I provide, which are customized to different people’s situations:

Determine your passion. There is a percentage of people who unfortunately have to do things they are not interested in, to make a living. Don’t assume that you are in that group. Instead, go ahead and do a “passion search” to feel what you need to feel about your career: enthusiastic, curious, energized, losing time. The quickest way to do that is to search MyMajors.com for lots of areas and specific roles in which you might be interested. Beyond that, you’ll probably want to hire a career coach, who will have assessments and so much more information that you do. Very much worth it.

When you have researched where you want to go. Some people quit their job and then figure out the next step. I have seen it work from time to time, but not regularly. I recommend taking nights and weekends during your job weeks, and doing R&D on your desired career: read about it, talk to people, take courses, go to conferences. You may find that it’s not a good fit for you. Or you may find that you know a lot more about it and are ready to go.

When you know the players, and there is a position or a good chance of one. Jobs come and go. But you need steady people who are impressed with you and want to keep you around. I call these people “advocates”, and they will put energy into you getting the right position. Talk with them, meet anyone they want you to meet. They are feeding you opportunities.

When you can afford the move. It can be a scary time to go from an unsatisfying position which does provide a steady paycheck, to a gap where you’re not sure of anything. You’re letting go of one trapeze, and don’t see the next one! So have funds saved up to have a minimal existence for a few months, so you can survive and concentrate on the career. I recommend 90 days of survival living that will keep you alive and motivated.

The longitudinal research about the end of life studies the regrets people have when life is almost over. The conclusion is that 15% of us regret what we did, those bad decisions. And 85% of us regret what we didn’t do, taking that chance.

Best to you,

John Townsend, Ph.D.

How to Become More Self-Aware

February 14, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Have you ever made a mistake in relationships or at work, and then said to yourself, “I was clueless!” We all do, and it’s all tied up in having problems in being self-aware (of which cluelessness is a part). People who have healthy self-awareness tend to have better relationships, be generally more content, make better decisions, and focus better at work. And people who suffer from low self-awareness tend to not only make mistakes in life, but they repeat them and repeat them, even when those mistakes have a negative impact on those they care about. But things can change. Here are some tips to help increase your capacity to observe yourself.

Practice a mindfulness exercise. I have a habit that has paid off for my own self-awareness. On a daily basis, get a few minutes away from people and tech and ask yourself these 9 simple questions, takes about a minute:

What am I seeing?
What am I hearing?
What am I smelling?
What am I touching?
What am I tasting?
What positive feeling am I experiencing about myself?
What negative feeling am I experiencing about myself?
What positive feeling am I experiencing about someone else?
What negative feeling am I experiencing about someone else?

You will be surprised about how “in touch” you will become about your body and your interior life. There is a lot of information there to be aware of.

Develop the habit of asking “Why?” Curiosity is one of the highest level developers of self-awareness. It helps us search out our motivations behind our actions and cures cluelessness. When you make a mistake, instead of beating yourself up, or blaming others, just ask yourself “Why?” Why did I snap at her in the meeting? Why did I keep answering emails and avoid finishing the report? Why did I shut down and not say anything when I went out on that blind date? The very practice of “why” will help you figure out what kind of person you are, and help you make better decisions as well.

Deal with fear. Often, individuals with low self-awareness are afraid to stop and look in the mirror, for they fear they won’t like what they see. They don’t scrutinize their behavior or check out how they come across. Inside them, they are pretty sure the answer is painful, as in “I am a selfish failure who is useless to anyone in my life.” So they basically put the engine of life on autopilot, and run through their days running into things and people, but never stopping to figure it out. The answer here is to be able to tolerate the bad news about ourselves in the community of good people who won’t cast you aside and judge you.

Ask for feedback. Getting info from a few safe and honest people in your life can be extremely helpful in developing self-awareness. Simply say to them, “I’m working on improving my self-awareness. I’d like your opinion on situations when I seem to show a lack of awareness of how I’m coming across or impacting people.” I did this with my wife Barbi and she said, “When we are talking and you start thinking about something, you look over my shoulder.” I had no idea! Now I look at her eyes, and things are better.

Know thyself. It pays off.