Boundaries

Get out of the Comparison Mentality

December 5, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

When is the last time you noticed another person’s situation, and found yourself comparing yours to theirs? It could be about their good fortune, like buying a new home or their kids getting into their chosen college. Then your thoughts can turn to how you’re a bit inferior, or behind the curve, or just unfortunate. On the other hand, it could be about the struggles of others, such as a financial loss or a divorce. In that direction, you can find yourself thinking that while you are sad for them, you have some level of relief that you are not going through that scenario.

It’s natural to compare yourself to others. We want to see how we stack up with them. But, what is natural for us is not always good for us. Here are some reasons why it will help you, to get out of the comparison mentality, and how to succeed in that.

You lose contentment. It’s pretty much impossible to be content and “OK” with your situation, when you compare. Think about it, when you evaluate yourself by others’ situations, you can only be as content as your ranking. If you determine that you have less “whatever” than most of your friends, you will rank yourself in the bottom half, which can lead to a lack of contentment, feelings of being one down, and even resentful. And even if you’re on the “top half” in some area, you must maintain that ranking to be OK. That is a pressure you do not want. So set yourself up with a mentality of growth and self-improvement that is about who you are, not about increasing your rankings.

You lose control. Comparisons take time, energy and focus away from what we can control, and put them in a place we can’t control. You always have some amount of control over your choices and decisions, and how you will live your day, week and year. You can be with someone you love, spend time with your kids, engage in your work, follow your passion, and find a purpose in life. All of these are worth your time, energy and focus. But you have zero control over other people’s choices. Influence, perhaps, but not control. Comparisons keep you with your nose to the window, so to speak, wishing you could have what the other has, and not investing instead in a good life for yourself. So put that finite time, energy and focus into what you can do something about.

You distance yourself from others. When we compare, healthy people are turned off. They don’t like to be around the envy, jealousy and resentment that a comparing person expresses. They want to talk about what you and they are actually doing, with no rankings and yardsticks about others. Notice how much of your conversations and thoughts in a day is about the fortunes of others, and if it’s a significant percentage, ratchet it back.

You have enough to do, to keep yourself busy and productive without comparisons. Work on being the best you that you can be.

Best,

John

Self Improvement: What, Why and How

November 15, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

All of us would like a good life, a better life, even a great life in different arenas: relationships, marriage, parenting, passions or purpose, for example. The best avenue to a better life is by engaging in self-improvement in what matters to you. Here are some tips about the What, Why and How of improving your life.

The What: Self-improvement is a well-known term that refers to a structured plan to be better in a significant area of life. That could mean in one’s self care, career, personal character growth, spirituality or relationships. It has a structure to it, as opposed to a more informal and organic desire to grow and change. The informal approach which can involve reading, conversations with interesting people and travel, for example. This approach can be helpful, but more often than not, it does not effectively move a person’s focus toward getting where they want to go. It’s a little like working out at the gym. The benefits from some sort of structure and plan will outweigh the path of going when we feel like it, or have the extra time.

The Why: Since self-improvement requires engagement, energy, time and other resources, you need to be clear on why it’s worth it. There are two fundamental reasons, being better and also not being worse. They encompass the motivators we sometimes call the carrot and the stick. In being better, self-improvement is worth the cost because we are on the way to having a higher quality of life. For example, taking a class in astronomy, hiring a coach, finding a therapist, or having a plan to read books and watch videos on starting a business, are all paths to doing something in the future that you currently are not able to. On the other hand, not being worse has to do with avoiding pain in our lives that is unnecessary. For example, health problems due to inactivity and poor diet, career disappointments, relational failures, depression, and substance use problems are outcomes you want to avoid. Both the desire to be better, and to avoid being worse, are legitimate motivators, though the first one should be a higher value.

The How: You will generally find the following necessary ingredients in beginning the practicalities of self improvement:

Information: Data, facts, research and skills are critical to success here. Be a lifelong learner in several areas of life. This can also include a coach, or guide or expert, who has their 10,000 hours of competence in the area you’re interested in.
Support: Research proves that the lone ranger approach is not as effective as having a few people who either are engaged with you in the process for their own benefit, or who are just friends who you ask to help keep tabs on you and encourage you. We are truly better together.
Structure and path: What we calendar and plan on, is much more likely to actually happen, than what we think we will do when we have time. We are so busy these days that most of the time, “when we have time” just doesn’t happen. Putting practice, lessons, workouts or whatever into the calendar increases your odds dramatically.
Monitoring: No self-improvement plan is as good as possible from the get-go. Every month or so, review the plan to see what’s working and what you can do better. You will be surprised at how some tweaks here and there will bring you to a higher level.

We are all “selves” and we are designed to “improve.” Make this part of your life.

Best,

John

How to Resolve Conflict Avoidance

October 19, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

This is simply a “you just have to learn it” skill. The most successful and happiest people I work with are able to enter into conflict with those in their life, family and work. And I can’t begin to tell you how many otherwise talented and genuinely good people get hamstrung on their inability to have difficult conversations. Psychologists refer to the problem as conflict-avoidant behavior.

We are conflict-avoidant when we know we need to face a problem with someone and get it resolved, but our high anxiety makes us kick the can down the road, hoping against hope that things will get better. 99% of the time, they actually get worse, sort of metastasizing into something we really don’t want. So instead of going for the short term peace of avoidance, go for the long term solution that will really make things better for you. Here are some tips to help you:

Deal with your anxiety. Most of the time, we don’t run from conflict for a logical or rational reason, for example, when someone is threatening us with a gun. There is sound logic there! We more avoid conflict for emotional reasons, manifesting themselves as anxiety. Figure out exactly what drives your anxiety, because anxiety always has a focus. Some common sources of anxiety are:

Rejection: When someone important to us disconnects from the relationship.
Anger: When we don’t have the skills to handle an angry person, and we become frightened and overwhelmed.
Guilt: When we are prone to see ourselves as the bad guy, and take on all the responsibility for the problem, instead of our actual contribution.
Loss of control: When we are more afraid of our own strong feelings than we are the other person, and we actually are concerned we might say or do something we’ll regret.

We don’t have space here to go into these sources, but often, talking it out with a mature person or counselor can do a great deal to help. The point is, don’t let anxiety paralyze you.

Script the conversation. Research shows that we do better in conflict when we have thought out what we want to say, in a talking-point manner. Then we don’t get lost or confused. Write out a brief script and learn it, so you won’t need to have it in front of you, and you can have good eye contact with the person.

Make the sandwich. Conflict resolves more effectively when it begins and ends with authentic affirmation and care, and when the issue itself is the meat in the middle of the “sandwich.” Think how much it has helped you to have someone let you know, in a real way, that they are for you and not against you, in a difficult talk.

Know when to back off. Some people readily deal with conflict, when they are approached, and navigate it with truth, respect and love. They do well in these scenarios. And some react in anger, victim statements, intense emotions, blame and excuses. Just learn when the reactions are dominating things, and you don’t see any progress. That means it might be time to call it a day and try something different at another time. If it’s not working, it’s not working.

Conflict isn’t fun, but neither is surgery. When done well, however, it can lead to a great deal of positive results in your life.

Best,

John

Resilience: The Skills To Help You Bounce Back

August 7, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Have you ever noticed that some people can have a setback and shrug it off, while the same setback can pretty much “tank” another person for a very long time? Whether we’re talking about relationship challenges, financial problems, emotional issues or health problems, the difference is an ability called resilience, which I define as the capacity to adapt to a stressor, and return to normal functioning. By “normal functioning” I mean a positive mood vs depression, good energy levels vs debilitating fatigue and the ability to maintain one’s relationships and work habits. It’s encouraging to know also that resilience is not as much an inherent gift that some people have, as it is a set of learnable skills that we can all apply. Here are some keys to bouncing back:

Stay (or become) connected vulnerably to a few good people. The neuroscience research is overwhelming about this. There is no way to overestimate the power of attachments with a few people you can open up to, and be supported by. My new bestselling book People Fuel has lots of information about the skills to do this.

Become engaged in the meaningful. Stressors have a way of “owning” our time and focus. Like a dog gnawing on a bone, our brains often obsess and chew on the loss or challenge, for way too much time in our day. They can create high anxiety and fatigue. So, while you can’t make yourself completely stop thinking about the stressor, you can make sure most of your day is spent engaging and being involved in what matters to you: meaningful work, people you care about, working out, good meals and positive activities.

Move into structure. A regular and somewhat predictable daily structure is very good for you too. When New Yorkers experienced the 911 terrorist attacks, researchers found that the survivors of that tragedy did better when they returned to work soon. Knowing what time their meetings, calls and breaks were scheduled for, helped their brains regulate and establish a sense of control.

Get yourself off the hook. Guilt plays a big part in stress. We often blame ourselves 100% for something we are 2% responsible for, and we beat ourselves up day after day. While we are always supposed to take responsibility for any mistakes we have made, apologize, and change our behavior, we shouldn’t take ownership for things we haven’t done. So write down what percent of the stressor is from you, what percent is from other people, and what percent is just from living in an imperfect world. Get in balance with responsibility, and your guilt will diminish. And for the percent that is yours, experience the great gift of forgiveness and acceptance for your imperfections.

Resilience can help you pretty quickly begin feeling, thinking and acting in your normal patterns again. Best wishes.

John

Quality Family Time in the Digital Age

March 19, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Family is the context in which we learn to love, connect, become ourselves, grow and recharge. But we can’t assume it’s a totally protected and safe place. We have to guard our homes against everything from toxic influences to time distractions. If your family includes kids, it’s even more important, because they need our help and advocacy. Our culture is well into the digital age now. It is here to stay, and I believe it’s overall a very good thing. At the same time, the digital age can bring in influences you don’t want, and it can certainly bring in time distractions. So here are some ideas to help you keep your family experiencing the quality time it needs, while still living in the reality of an online world.

Set clear “non-pixellated times”: A friend gave me this phrase, and I love it. The digital world is easily accessible 24/7 and will be for the rest of our lives. So don’t wait for things to change to preserve family health. Set time periods where there is no digital access, including online, mobile phones, tablets, etc. Hey, Bill and Melinda Gates did this with their kids www.independent.co.uk

Put intentional thought into what “quality time” means. It’s one thing to set limits on digital time. It’s another to fill that void with great conversations and activities. Don’t substitute this with TV, movies and video games. Neuroscience research has shown that these activities have some value to mental growth in terms of some information and learning, but a lot of use ends up being at best “empty calories” for your family (basically just marking time until they grow up and leave home) and at worst, creating passivity and a lack of initiative. So be the parent who researches and comes up with structured fun activities, interactions, conversations, excursions, games and service projects. Fill that void. Your kids need it, and it will be over sooner than you think.

Love is free, freedom is earned. Your kids need your love and emotional attunement to their experiences and feelings. That is a basic need and a requirement for good parenting. But their freedom to choose how they spend their time must be earned by their good behavior. Laptops, mobile phones, tablets, TV, and gaming are not a right. They are a privilege. So if your kids are responsible in life, especially in their use of digital time, let them have age-appropriate access. If they choose to overdo things and aren’t responsible, then they are sending you a signal saying, “Help! I’m not yet mature enough to manage all this, I’m overwhelmed, please step in and be the structure I need!” Well, they won’t say that to you, but it’s still a message of what they need.

I hope this helps. You can make a difference here. For more in-depth info on this subject, read Boundaries: Updated and Expanded Edition by myself and Dr. Henry Cloud (Zondervan Publishing, 2017). The book is a New York Times bestseller and includes a chapter about having great boundaries in the digital age. Best to you!

Preventing Burnout

December 20, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

We live in a burnout culture. How many people in your life talk about running out of energy, losing motivation, and being “out of gas”? This might even be your own situation as well. Burnout is a very real problem, and it can be serious. People lose job growth, relationship success, emotional health and physical wellness with burnout. Let’s look at some ways to nip burnout in the bud and to have a healthy balanced life.

Take a realistic look at how you are doing. Just ask yourself if you tend to have problems getting up in the morning, dragging in the day or having a positive attitude. If you are great in all of these, God bless you! But if you experience these, you could be at risk for early-stage burnout. So many of us have to almost be in ICU to do something about burnout, so respect these little signs before they become big signs.

Add the “vital” and prune back the “not vital.” And before you’re into burnout territory, get out that calendar and figure out what a 5 day week with nights off will look like (with a few exceptions that must be justified). Most of the time, that means adding rest, time with people who are gains and not drains, fun and meaningful activities. And to make time for that, then “not vital” activities need to be lessened, for example, too much time with the draining folks, social media, tv, and gaming. This creates a good balance in the schedule.

Take the attitude that “healthy selfish” is OK. It’s, unfortunately, true that no one is having a “protect you from burnout” meeting for your benefit right now. You have to own and value this. But healthy selfishness isn’t about being self-centered or narcissistic or not being concerned with others. It’s about understanding that you can’t have a full life, give to others and make a difference in the world for a long, long time if you don’t keep burnout at bay. So say “no” to demands on your time and energy that you just don’t have the bandwidth for. The right people will support you, and the wrong ones will just go away and make someone else feel guilty.

There’s something you can today about burnout, and this works! Best to you.

John Townsend, Ph.D.