Communicating

Adult Children: Relating to Them in the Best Way

February 22, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

The adult-parent and the adult-child generations are having struggles with each other: struggles in communication, in values and in just how to get along and care about each other. However, while the generations are different, they have much more in common than they have differences. So here are some tips to help you improve love and communication with your adult child.

Don’t treat them like a child, treat them like an adult. In fact, I don’t really like the term “adult child”, because that is an oxymoron. By definition, a child is dependent. That’s what being a child is: someone who is dependent on their parents for their physical, emotional, relational and financial needs. But an adult is someone who is independent from parents for those needs. They are self-sufficient and have their own set of supportive and caring community to help them. Certainly a parent can be part of that community, but it doesn’t work well for a parent to be the primary source of life for them. So I’ll use the term “young adult” to make this clearer from here on out…

Enter their world. Parents of young adults are often reluctant to learning about their young adults’ lives, values, culture and interests. It’s not familiar and comfortable for them. So they just retreat to talking about their own activities. And it cuts off connection. So unless it’s dark material that is just really toxic, just ask about what they do for fun and meaning. Stay interested.

Respect their choices. Young adults need to know that their life choices, even when their parent disagrees, are respected as their own choices. That is a hallmark of being an adult. You may not agree with the choice, but you have no right to not respect their right to choose. There is nothing wrong with disagreement, and often good things happen when those conversations can be had respectfully. But keep it respectful. Remember how you felt when you were a young adult once, yourself.

Refrain from unasked-for advice. Parents often have a protective desire to give advice to their young adults. They don’t want their kids to make mistakes in relationships, finance and self care. However, unasked-for advice is generally not helpful. The person is more concerned about feeling put down or controlled, than whatever you want to say to them. And saying “I’m just trying to help” does not work. So instead, use PTSF: ask, “May I have your permission to speak freely?” If they say OK, give it. If not, just talk about something else. Now, if there is some major dangerous emergency, certainly go ahead. But if not, don’t.

Encourage other life sources besides yourself. Some young adults are on the other end of the spectrum. They have not emotionally, relationally or financially cut the cord, so to speak. They go to their parents to keep their self-regard regulated, be their best friend and supplement their income deficits. This is a type of dependency, and slows down the adulting process. So suggest to them to find other friends who will help them in these areas, and encourage autonomy and self-sufficiency. In serious cases, a parent may have to give the young adult less access to time and money, just to help them launch table score out more.

Don’t fragilize. No one wants to see their young adult struggle. But struggle is how we grow and are empowered. So don’t view them as fragile and easily-breakable people. Let them fail, learn lessons and find support. You can certainly be part of that support to an extent. But view them, and behave with them as they are: resilient and intelligent people who are finding their way.

I have so much respect for the current young adult generation. They have a number of things going on that we should be learning from. They are worth getting to know!

Best,

John

Trusting After Trust Has Been Broken

February 15, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

All relationships take work, whether they are a marriage, a dating relationship, a family member, a business associate or a friend. But one of the most difficult situations is when someone breaks trust with us. It could involve lying, unfaithfulness or betrayal in some way. And it can be devastating.

It is difficult because one of our most fundamental needs for survival is trust. Without trust, we don’t know who the other person is anymore. And we don’t know how careful, or how free, to be with them anymore. Safety, care, love and risk don’t work at all when trust has been broken. So how do you deal with the relationship when it’s happened, the person wants you to trust them again, and they still matter enough to you, to think it might be worth it if they really change? Here are some helpful steps.

They express authentic concern about their negative impact on you. If the person is the real thing, they will spend very little time on being defensive, how they didn’t really mean it, how you don’t understand, or how you’re part of the problem too. That’s useless, and it’s about them. Instead, they will authentically communicate that they screwed up and they hurt you, no excuses, and they will want to know how it impacted you. That is what functioning adults do.

They deal with their “why.” The words, “Sorry, it won’t happen again” after a bad pattern of behavior, is a red flag. There is something driving the behavior, and they must spend some time figuring that out. Is it selfishness? Old hurts? Shame? Insecurity? Dependency? Anger? The “why” must be something they care about and dig into.

They bring in others to help. They don’t say “We’ll solve this, just the two of us.” Bad sign. They would have already done that successfully by now. The great great majority of trust problems require therapists, confidants, pastors and others who have 10,000 hours of skills on these.

They change measurably over time. Words are a great starting point, but you must see observable behavioral changes, over weeks and months. Don’t get hooked into excuses like “I’ve been busy.” And don’t’ get hooked into someone being compliant for a week or two, then it falls apart again. If the relationship is a priority, the behavior should change. They don’t have to be perfect. But they do have to make significant progress over time.

They pass a small test. At some point, if they are doing the steps above, and you want to continue the relationship, take some small risk, like be vulnerable about something minor, or lend them a bit of money, or any other risk. If they are attuned to your experience, faithful, truthful, don’t judge you or use you, that is a good sign.

Use others to help you. We often are not objective about these matters, especially when emotions are involved. Have a Life Team of a few people who can say “Green Flag” or “Red Flag” in your decisions. They can save a lot of time and energy for you.

My book Beyond Boundaries goes into depth on this important topic. Trust betrayed can become trust restored. If the relationship is worth it to the other person, they will do what is required.

Best,

John

Patience is a Better Friend than a Foe

February 8, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

It is just hard, hard, hard to be patient. It’s so easy to be frustrated and even jump the gun on situations that involve time, and ending up making poor decisions. But learning to be competent in the skill of patience is a secret that people who accomplish great things in life know well.

All of us want the same things, in general, in life: great relationships and families, a meaningful job, enough money to make our way, good health, self-improvement and a way to give back to the world. And each of these endeavors requires a certain amount of planning, resource, support and time, for them to work. Patience is about handling the time element.

We can’t ignore or rush time. It is just too important. We have to adapt to it, and not oppose it, to get what we want.

Time is the process of events that makes it all happen well:

It takes time to cook a great meal. The oven’s heat mashes all the ingredients together in the oven, and in a while, a great meal comes out.
It takes time to go on a fitness plan and then see results.
It takes time to create a project at work, and then launch it, hoping it will bear fruit.
It takes time to find the right relationship, and then develop it in a healthy way.

And for most of what matters to us, there is no shortcut, no “microwave” to any of these. If there was, we would probably have discovered them by now.

Patience is simply the act of mentally making friends with time. That is, not fighting the process, not ignoring it, and not rushing it. But adapting to time’s requirements while being happy about it. Here are some tips to help when you find yourself frustrated by time:

Determine how important your desired outcome actually is to you. Sometimes we get bent out of shape about a desire that’s really not worth that kind of mental expenditure. It’s one thing to learn to be patient about seeing if your work project will bring results in time. It’s another to see if Netflix will continue a show you like for another season. Just consider the value of what you’re working on.

Establish as much planning and control as possible on the outcome you desire. It’s one thing to be impatient with ourselves in getting in shape, or finding a relationship, when we haven’t taken some risks and made some effort. We should actually be a bit impatient with our passivity, solve that problem first, and get moving. But when we have done the work of planning and controlling whatever we can in the goal, just the knowledge that we have done our part can help us be more patient.

Have your “internal thinker” help your “internal feeler.” Our brains have both rational and emotional parts to them. Frustration with how long something takes is a feeling, not a thought. When you find yourself frustrated, just remind yourself on a thinking level, that you have a plan and a hope, and that your efforts and your patience will hopefully be worth it all. That can often increase patience, and decrease impatience.

Engage in something else that’s current. Nothing makes us crazier than obsessing on the plan, or the person, or what results aren’t happening now. When our mental energy is focused primarily on the future outcome we want, instead of what’s happening today, it can lead to feelings of powerlessness and lack of contentment. So return to the “now” in your life: the activities and conversations that bring you joy and are productive for you. Sometimes it helps to find things that have an instant result as well: a conversation with a positive person, a walk outside or tv show you enjoy.

Vent to a safe person. We are more likely to be impatient when we don’t share our frustrations with others. It is a kind of isolation, and isolation never helps anything. A brief conversation with someone who “gets you”, even if they can’t help you speed things up, will strengthen your patience.

Nothing that truly matters is instant. And everything that matters requires time. Learn patience, and the passage of time waiting for results, will be your friend, not your foe.

Best,

John

Closure Can Be Overrated

February 1, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Have you ever had a task you felt you just had to finish or it would drive you crazy, and you ended up being late to a meeting as a result? It could be finishing a report, making a brief phone call that’s been on your to-do list for awhile, or cleaning up the house before you leave, and that few minutes makes the rest of the day a bit rushed.

Most of us are very familiar with that experience. It has some minor OCD components, and has to do with an overdeveloped need for closure that can make life a bit frantic and frustrating for us. Simply put, closure is the act of bringing end to a matter, to reduce mental disorder. It’s not fun to have lots of things hanging on unfinished in our heads, like strands of threads on a shirt. So we tidy up. However, when we get caught up in a “closure frenzy”, even if it’s a few minutes, it can make life harder. We can be late to appointments, not feel good, and let people down we care about. Here are some tips to balance out on closure.

Reduce your daily to-do list tasks. Most to-do lists, whether on your app or a piece of paper, are about 50% too long. We set them up because we are optimistic, but we end up feeling bad because we have to reschedule them and kick the can down the road. Just put on your day what you actually have time for, between scheduled meetings. Giving yourself a break here will decrease the need for premature closure.

Reflect on what is important. At the beginning of your day, consider what really matters. Think of the meaningful jobs and projects you are working on, and the people you care about, that you don’t want to be late for. This sets your mind out of the “urgent” mode into the “important” mode.

Practice leaving things undone. It strengthens our mind to walk away from unnecessary closure. If you’re in the middle of something that is not truly an emergency, and you see by the time, that you need to get off your phone app or get away from your computer, shut down and walk away or make the call, whatever is due next. Be intentional about this, because this is practice. You are likely to encounter anxious feelings and negative self-talk such as “I hate leaving this” or “Just a couple minutes more and I’ll be finished.” But face the discomfort and remember that very successful people always have something undone. It will get better over time.

Be happy about the benefit. What is the benefit? Being on time and not rushing in apologizing, being relaxed, and being ready to tackle the next thing.

Closure is a great tool! But it must serve your priorities, not determine them. As I write this, I’m leaving some notes on my whiteboard that I’d love to finish and be done with, but I have a meeting I need to be on time to…☺

Best,

John

Passion

January 25, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We all want to live lives of passion, and no one desires a life without passion of some sort. Passion makes us feel alive. And beyond feeling good, passion can also help life work better. Let’s look at how it works, and how you can develop and use yours.

I define passion as “focused desire.” That is, it’s a positive feeling that indicates that we want more of some specific and particular experience. For example, you might feel passionate about a person you love, or a work context, or an awesome restaurant or a cause that can make the world a better place.

Passion not only feels great, as it releases positive-feeling hormones into our systems, it also helps life out in practical ways. First, it helps us persevere through challenges. For example, if you have little passion for your job, it’s very difficult to push through hard times. Having a work ethic helps. So does knowing that your work pays the bills, and so is serving some worthwhile purpose in life. But having passion for what you do provides a deeper incentive and motive to stick with something and see it through.

Secondly, passion helps us determine what matters to us. We have so many options in today’s culture, from relationships to jobs to entertainment and spiritual values. It can be overwhelming to scan through thousands of movies and tv shows to see what you want to watch. But passion is sort of a “highlighter” for you brain, that points out something specific that you find you have positive emotions about.

How can we have a more highly developed sense of passion? Here are some tips:

Identify what currently gives you passion. Look over your last month’s calendar, and review what people and experiences you engaged with, noting which ones provided passion for you. Write down a sentence on why that person or experience made you feel passionate. You will begin to see themes underneath what you have been doing, and that will help you gravitate toward more. For example, one of my kids mentioned he saw a musical that he liked. I knew a little about it, so I went online and listened to a few of the songs, finding one that I just became locked into, listening to it over and over again. It brought an intense passion to me, and I began looking up songs in that song’s genre, to have more of the same.

Be intentional about living in the moment. We are so busy these days that we forget mindfulness. It’s easy to get stuck in one of two places: stressing about the future, or getting too focused on the task at hand. We do need to be future-oriented, and we do need to get things done. But a life of only those two is a life of deficit. Every single day, stop whatever you are doing, and ask yourself what you are experiencing right now: Happiness? Stress? Frustration? Love? Don’t miss out on life. And this is where we also find passion, because passion is a kind of emotion.

Develop an emotional vocabulary. Learning the nuances of feelings will give your passion more options to be expressed. Some of us only know “happy” and “hungry.” My book People Fuel has a list of 110 feelings, in 10 categories, so you can navigate your way through them. You will find as you review these, that you are more able to feel passion, as the brain needs cognitive “hooks” to express itself.

Be with passionate people. Nothing creates apathy like hanging out with apathetic people. And nothing helps us find what brings us to life like being with people who have a focused desire on something important to them, and who are willing to talk about it with you. In other words, passion is contagious.

Find your own passions. They help everything work.

Best,

John

Having Difficult but Effective Conversations

January 19, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

There is simply no way to get through life successfully and sanely, without having to sit down with someone to have “the talk.” Whether it’s your spouse, a family member, someone you’re dating, a friend or a work colleague, things just come up that rub us the wrong way, or are actually crises, that must be addressed and resolved. However, we aren’t born with the ability to have a difficult conversation that actually is effective. It’s a learned skill. So here are some steps to get you where you want to go.

The goal of any difficult conversation is to solve a problem while maintaining alignment. In other words, to speak truth about an issue without alienating the person. There is certainly a small percentage of humans that can’t tolerate any confrontation, and you can’t control their reactions. But the great majority of people are ok with hashing out problems. Here are the skills, in order of when to do them.

Convey that you are “for” them: Start by letting the person know that, while this is an important conversation, that you want their best. You don’t want to win over them or punish them, you want to solve a problem.
State the problem: Clearly and in a few words, state what the problem is, so that it’s understandable. If needed use a few examples, with dates and times, to jog their memory and understand what you’re trying to say.
Own your part: Take responsibility for however you have contributed to the issue. It may be 90% or it may be 10%, but the great odds are that you aren’t 100% perfect in this dance. Not only is it the right thing to do, it keeps the person from feeling like you think you’re a perfect parent, pointing your finger at an immature child. If you fail to own your part, you will not take the conversation anywhere near a positive direction.
Hear them out/deal with diversion: Everyone needs their day in court, so ask them what their side of it is. There may be info that you need to know, to flesh out how you see the problem. But don’t let the person hijack the conversation with endless diversions to other topics to keep themselves away from responsibility. Warmly, but directly, bring the topic back to the issue you began with.
Ask for specific change: People need practical suggestions, not high-concept ones. “I need for you to ask me how I’m doing around half the time we get together, that feels more mutual” is a lot better than “Get your act together.”
Consequences if necessary: Sometimes a good conversation is all that’s needed. But sometimes, after a few failed conversations, boundaries are needed.
End with “for”: These talks can make the person feel that you don’t care about them. Just reassure them, at the end, that you truly want the best for them and for the relationship.
Check in later: After 2-24 hours, reach out to them again and ask how they’re doing with the talk. Sometimes, they will feel hurt or misunderstood. Spend a bit of time clarifying that you really care and want things to work out.

These steps work. If you want more information, check out my book, How to Have That Difficult Conversation That You’ve Been Avoiding. Remember, it’s just a set of skills that you can learn.

Best,

John