Communicating

Coaches and Why You Need One

January 9, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Life has lots of demands and challenges. And it is very very difficult, if not impossible, to get life done well, without relational support. Through a great deal of neuroscience research, it’s been established how important it is to have a few supportive individuals to help us navigate family, relationships, self career and our careers. This is vital.

One particular kind of relationship which has unique value, is that of a coach. A coach is someone who has knowledge, experience and skills that we don’t have in some area of life, in either our personal or professional realms. It’s a broad term that includes more nuanced role differences such as mentors, counselors, advisors and directors.

You and I don’t know what we don’t know, to do life right. Nor do most of us have the time or capacity to know everything we need to know. For example, I love YouTube videos and podcasts, they give me great helpful information. But having a person who knows a lot, and can coach you through the situation, is irreplaceable. That second part is a big deal. A lot of people have great knowledge and skills, but they don’t understand the science of coaching, and take people through a successful growth process. There are principles and methods that have been proven to help people grow. At the Townsend Institute, for example, we provide an accredited online Masters degree or a certificate in coaching and consulting, because a person needs to know how to help an individual grow.

Research indicates that a coach will pay off 3-4 times what they cost, in terms of benefits. And there are lots of people who are available to help someone without charge, for example mature business people who want to help those just starting off, or older parents who are involved in a church ministry working with younger parents.

I always recommend a coach who works holistically as well. What this means is that the person deals with the personal as well as the “task” end of the process. The old stereotype of the coach who only deals with the plan just doesn’t work as well. For example, “Hi Beth, how did the homework assignment we worked out for you about your website go?” “Well, Coach Lydia, I didn’t get to it, bummer.” “OK, Beth, no problem, let’s try to make sure you get it done next time.” Compare that to “Sorry to hear that, Beth, you were really motivated and determined about this last session. Let’s dig into why you weren’t able to get it done; could have been discouragement, or not saying no to others’ requests for your time, or maybe some perfectionistic paralysis.”

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Life goes better with a coach. What area could you use one in this week?

Best,

John

Your “One Thing” Recipe for Success in the New Year

December 28, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Most of us have gotten to the point that we feel a bit skeptical about “New Year-New You” thinking. Whether it be about diet, health, career, family or relationships, we find that it pretty much tends to have a good start and then fizzle out.

This approach has a good intent, but the research says that the success rate over a year is pretty abysmal, and that can be discouraging. So can you make a lasting change during this next year?

Yes, you can, and let’s keep it simple. It’s one thing. I have found that if a person will take this one step, and stick with that step for the year, the chances of being really happy with the results are higher than with anything else. Stripped down to the bare minimum, it’s this:

Spend at least an hour a week communicating with 3 people who want to grow and change in some area. That is, you invite 3 people you know, who are into learning to improving their lives, and just talk about that once a week. It can be together, or individually, though the group tends to be more powerful.

Research states, over and over again, that the power of positive relationships can be transformative in our success in life. The right people motivate us to be better people. They believe in us, they encourage us, and they dust us off when we fail.

More than that, when you communicate (face to face, video, phone, text) with others and express that you want to change in some area, this is where you will find more focus on your dream or desire. You’ll determine goals. Plans and strategies will emerge. You’ll deal with challenges and obstacles.

This one thing isn’t the only thing. But the other things cascade from that.

I would love to hear in late 2020 that you are still having that one hour minimum communication with a few growing people. And if you stick to it, you are much more likely than ever before, to experience the “New You” in a permanent way.

So I wish for you, and all of us, a great and “connected” New Year!

Best,

John

Self Talk: Helping Your Internal Voice Be a Benefit to You

November 21, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We engage every day in other-talk, which is what happens at meetings, meals and over the phone. But we also have constant conversations in our head about our favorite subject, with is ourselves. Self-talk has to do with the evaluations and judgments we make of ourselves and our behavior, and sometimes the evaluations are pretty harsh. Sometimes the evaluations are so cruel that we are paralyzed from being transparent and real, or from taking the risks we need to take. Here are some tips to help your own self-talk be a benefit, and not a problem, for you.

Observe the observer. Our digital culture has made personal reflection harder to engage in. But pulling away from our schedule, or the next text or email, to think about what we are thinking, is one of the best things you can do for yourself, to solve problems and grow as a person. The technical word for this is metacognition, or thinking about thinking. Part of metacognition is developing the habit of mentally taking a step back from your activities, and observing your observer, that is, your self-talk.

For example, after a difficult conversation with your spouse, notice the nature of your self talk. Just reflect on how you are evaluating what you said. You might observe that you are thinking, I wasn’t kind, or I didn’t listen, or I didn’t speak up. This quick habit of simply observing your observer gives you more power over it, and a means to change it.

Question the accuracy. Ask yourself, is my self talk true about me or not? If it’s true, it’s working for you, and will help you to be a healthier and more successful person. But sometimes you need to ask others if, from their perspective, your self talk is telling the truth. Suppose after you give a presentation at work, your self talk is that I always disappoint people and I should live in a cave and eat worms, that probably needs to be reframed by someone who knows and likes you, such as I didn’t do my best at the presentation, but I learned some things to help me improve.

At end of day, have more positive than negative. Even though truthfulness trumps everything, you should still have more positive than negative self-evaluations by the end of the day. We just can’t tolerate the reverse. It discourages us and deflates our energy. Don’t make up things to say that aren’t real, but while you are being truthful about the screwups, also focus on your wins, even if they are small: I passed on dessert a third day in a row is at least something!

Develop a warm tone. Research has shown that our tone with others is more important than the words we say to them. The same is true with self talk. A harsh, judgmental, “what a loser” tone will simply not make you a better person. So, though you are honest with yourself, don’t condemn yourself. I’m a pretty good person and I have good values and motives, though I really blew it with my teenager, can help right-size your head.

Listen to what you’re doing in your internal conversation. You might be a bit dismayed about how mean you can be to yourself. Change the pattern. You’ll be glad you did.

Best,

John

Your Brain is Worth Changing Your Lifestyle For

November 1, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We all know the importance of brain health. The research is so strong about how much better our lives are if our brain is doing well. For example, Harvard Health Publishing suggests the following habits to follow:

Get mental stimulation
Get physical exercise
Improve your diet
Improve your blood pressure
Improve your blood sugar
Improve your cholesterol
Consider low-dose aspirin
Avoid tobacco
Don’t abuse alcohol
Care for your emotions
Protect your head
Build social networks

This is a very well done and comprehensive list. However, most of us look at these habits and think, “Well, I’m working on a few of these, already, I’m doing well on these few, and I’m not sure I have time and energy for those few.” It can be a bit overwhelming. Here are some ideas for busy people, to put a bit of time in for a healthy brain:

Get external support for working out. Exercise helps cover a number of the above good habits. Having worked with many executives who struggle in the area of working out, my experience is that the #1 key to a lifetime of working out several times a week, is bringing others into your regimen. That can mean working out with someone, joining a class, having someone send you a support text on the days you are scheduled to hit the gym, or hiring a trainer. We are more motivated and consistent when we stop doing this as a lone ranger, and bring someone else into the situation.

Engage in gaining info about the brain once a week. What we think about, we focus on, and consequently, we are more prone to follow up about. Just spend 10 minutes a week reading an online article, or listening to a podcast, or watching a YouTube video on brain health. It will help keep you interested and motivated.

Notice your improvements. Nothing keeps us moving better than seeing small, incremental successes each week. It might be as simple as getting on the scale, or seeing yourself do better on a crossword puzzle. Baby steps help a lot here.

Take your future seriously. Most of us have a lot going on in the present that keeps us very busy: kids, marriage, relationships, careers and a social life. It is so easy to live day-by-day. Pulling back and looking at our lives year-by-year doesn’t feel real. But successful people, including those who are successful in brain health, never forget the future. It is coming, and just because we don’t see it, that train is always headed toward us. Be prepared by taking care of your brain. It is the same reasoning that makes us want to save for retirement, before we get too old to generate the savings we need.

So take some time in your calendar to be nice to your brain. It will thank you, in the form of clarity, memory, positivity and energy.

Best,

John

How to Resolve Conflict Avoidance

October 19, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

This is simply a “you just have to learn it” skill. The most successful and happiest people I work with are able to enter into conflict with those in their life, family and work. And I can’t begin to tell you how many otherwise talented and genuinely good people get hamstrung on their inability to have difficult conversations. Psychologists refer to the problem as conflict-avoidant behavior.

We are conflict-avoidant when we know we need to face a problem with someone and get it resolved, but our high anxiety makes us kick the can down the road, hoping against hope that things will get better. 99% of the time, they actually get worse, sort of metastasizing into something we really don’t want. So instead of going for the short term peace of avoidance, go for the long term solution that will really make things better for you. Here are some tips to help you:

Deal with your anxiety. Most of the time, we don’t run from conflict for a logical or rational reason, for example, when someone is threatening us with a gun. There is sound logic there! We more avoid conflict for emotional reasons, manifesting themselves as anxiety. Figure out exactly what drives your anxiety, because anxiety always has a focus. Some common sources of anxiety are:

Rejection: When someone important to us disconnects from the relationship.
Anger: When we don’t have the skills to handle an angry person, and we become frightened and overwhelmed.
Guilt: When we are prone to see ourselves as the bad guy, and take on all the responsibility for the problem, instead of our actual contribution.
Loss of control: When we are more afraid of our own strong feelings than we are the other person, and we actually are concerned we might say or do something we’ll regret.

We don’t have space here to go into these sources, but often, talking it out with a mature person or counselor can do a great deal to help. The point is, don’t let anxiety paralyze you.

Script the conversation. Research shows that we do better in conflict when we have thought out what we want to say, in a talking-point manner. Then we don’t get lost or confused. Write out a brief script and learn it, so you won’t need to have it in front of you, and you can have good eye contact with the person.

Make the sandwich. Conflict resolves more effectively when it begins and ends with authentic affirmation and care, and when the issue itself is the meat in the middle of the “sandwich.” Think how much it has helped you to have someone let you know, in a real way, that they are for you and not against you, in a difficult talk.

Know when to back off. Some people readily deal with conflict, when they are approached, and navigate it with truth, respect and love. They do well in these scenarios. And some react in anger, victim statements, intense emotions, blame and excuses. Just learn when the reactions are dominating things, and you don’t see any progress. That means it might be time to call it a day and try something different at another time. If it’s not working, it’s not working.

Conflict isn’t fun, but neither is surgery. When done well, however, it can lead to a great deal of positive results in your life.

Best,

John

Clarity: The Capacity to Perceive the Important

October 11, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We’ve all had “ah-ha” experiences in life, and hopefully we have more than less of them, because they are very helpful in life, relationships, and leadership. Sometimes this can be called insight, or the lights came on, or even it all came together. All of these terms describe clarity. Simply put, clarity is the capacity to perceive the important.

When you find yourself frustrated in trying to communicate to another about how things are going in your life, and realize they are more engaged in their own world than they are yours, that is clarity: I’m working too hard to express myself here! Or when you are getting to work early in the morning leaving late in the evening, and realize you need to work smarter instead of harder, that is clarity: I have to come at this from another angle!

The opposite of clarity is obscurity. Think of when your car windshield is dirty from the weather. You can’t see what’s out there, and the outside view is fuzzy. When we fail to engage in clarity, our choices and relationships don’t go right, and we don’t get to our goals and passions.

Fortunately, clarity is a skill that can be learned and used practically. When you practice the following tips, it will save you lots of time, energy and resource.

Know what you want. You can’t figure out your route unless you know your
destination. If someone came to you with their Google Maps app open, and said, “How do I get there? I need clarity”, you would say, “Get where? To Des Moines, or to New Zealand, or to a great Chinese restaurant?” Don’t be hesitant to say what you want. Maybe you want your organization to be more efficient, or for your team to collaborate better. Maybe you want to solve a parenting problem that won’t go away. State it, and write it down for yourself.

Ask “why” before “how.” How is important, but it must always follow why. We are a quick-fix culture, and it’s not paying off for us. We often give in to band aid fixes (the how) and not permanent solutions at a core level (the why). I was working with two business partners who wanted to make decisions with less conflict. They started the conversation with, “we need 3 steps to better decisionmaking.” They had their laptops ready to take notes. I said, “Great, then let’s talk about why you have problems making decisions.” They were a little frustrated because they wanted quick answers, liked “active listening”, be rational” and “make a plan.” But I have done this enough that I knew if we didn’t find out why they clashed, those three answers would be useless. We got to the why, and things ended up well.

Be open to new and negative. Our brains tend to go in paths we are used to. We just stay in our comfort zones. An engineer friend of mine once told me that there are 2 rules of engineering: First, if something doesn’t work, use a hammer. Second, if it still doesn’t work, use a bigger hammer (apologies to all my engineer friends). Instead, get onto your whiteboard or a large sheet of paper, maybe with a team, and get outside of the box. Just brainstorm ideas, especially that involve bad news, which isn’t comfortable. But you might find clarity in that uncomfortable or negative place. It might be messy. It might involve effort. But who cares? This is actually the core of all creative inventiveness.

Look at yourself (ouch). Finally, people who use clarity are brave enough to face their own shame and self-judgment and say, “Could the problem be me?” In fact, the most successful people I work with start with this one. It’s the best first step. Remember: if one person tells you that you are a horse, tell them they need to be on meds. But if seven people tell you that you are a horse, go buy a saddle. Take the beam out of your eye and things will clear up.

Clarity will open you up to new answers and new opportunities. Spray that
ammonia solution on the windshield of your brain! It will be worth it.

Best,

John