Communicating

Transparency: John Townsend, Ph.D.

September 30, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Transparency, whether it’s personal or in an organization, is a key part of how relationships, groups and organizations thrive and succeed. A relationship that is transparent inspires trust, care, motivation and the ability to succeed and solve challenges together. A relationship that is limited in transparency tends to discourage, isolate and de-motivate people.

Transparency is a combination of three aspects: openness, messaging and ownership. When these are in place, health enters the system and good things happen. Here is how it works:

Openness. Openness means keeping needed information in the light, as opposed to hiding it in darkness. The Enron scandal is an example of a lack of openness, with devastating results. On a personal level, openness may mean bringing a mistake you made, to people who are important to you. When you are open, you think about who deserves to have information at some appropriate level. It could be information about finances, performance problems or some personal situation, depending on what is warranted. Openness is also usually about negative realities. It’s easy to be open about the touchdowns, but it takes character and courage to be open about the failures. But think more about the well-being of those who need the info, than you do about your own comfort and convenience. That mentality will be a game-changer for you.

Messaging. This means taking initiative and intentionality to get the information to the right people. It is not their job to search out the facts, that is not transparency. You don’t cache it in a hard drive, or on the last tab on your website. You deliver what is needed to those who matter. Meet with them. Call them up. Email them. Text them. But take the initiative to message. This builds trust, and repairs distrust.

Ownership. Transparency does not end with bringing the appropriate reality to the appropriate people. It also requires a commitment, a commitment to act on the facts and do the right thing. If the situation involves something that requires you to improve matters, take a healthy step. If you need to authentically apologize, do it. Ownership is the opposite of blame-shifting. It is blame-taking. Whatever the realities are, take ownership of your part, and execute your best next behavior. In a world of disconnects between saying and doing, be willing to do something to make things better. You may not be responsible for the entire problem, but you can help in improving matters in your own space.

Transparency is rarely enjoyable. But in the long run, it always pays off exponentially. Be that person, for those who matter to you, for your organization, and for yourself.

Best,

John

People Fuel, Part 3: The Seven “C’s” of Relationships

September 17, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

How is your “People Picker?” We all choose individuals to be around us, and most of them are pretty good finds. But it’s easy to also get a bit out of balance, and have a lot more “drain” conversations than “gain” conversations. This can lead to fatigue and burnout, and then everyone gets drained.

In my new book People Fuel, I present a model of the different types of relationships, the Seven “C’s”, that will help you be a bit more intentional and clear about knowing how to spend your time. Here is a summary of those “C’s”, ranked from highest to lowest resource for you:

Coaches: Those individuals with whom we engage, to mentor, develop, guide and direct us. A coach can be paid or pro bono. Coaches have 3 qualities: (1) they are subject matter experts of in some area of your interest: leadership, parenting, emotional health, spiritual growth, or physical training for example; (2) they know how to coach. There is a science of coaching, and they know the theory and steps of taking a person from point A to point B. The Townsend Institute, for example, trains students in getting a Masters or a credential in Coaching (townsendinstitute.com); and (3) they have no personal need for you
to be a mutual friend or buddy. That’s fine, but they make the time “all about you.”
Comrades: Your Life Team. Those 3-10 individuals who know it all about you, accept you fully, but also tell you the truths you need to hear. Comrades are also fully involved in their own growth, and are vulnerable with you, as they want help from you as well, in mutual improvement. Comrades can be in a group, or individuals, or some hybrid.
Casuals: Those friends and neighbors you have who are just good, positive people. Maybe your kids are on the same soccer teams, or you like the same music events. Casuals help us experience being in the moment and enjoying life with someone. They are also a “farm team” as potential Life Team members.
Colleagues: We spend a great deal of time working, and it’s important to work with the right people. You don’t always have a say in those with whom you work. But as much as possible, work with those who are (1) truly competent; (2) relationally oriented; and (3) work well on teams. This can make your work life an energy-producing experience.
Care: Those individuals who are without something they need, and which you have the capacity to supply to them. This can range from helping mentor a young business person to supporting young parents to digging wells in a developing country. Our Care relationships help us make the world a better place, and also they release oxytocin in us, the hormone that lifts our spirits, reinforcing us to repeat those behaviors again. We always need to be giving back in life, that’s a large part of what a healthy life is about. But we also need to be aware that we may be spending too much time and energy in too many Care relationships as well.
Chronics: Sometimes called the “bless their heart” individuals. Chronics are not bad people, they are often very good people. They do have long term patterns of having lots of problems that rarely go away: job, financial, emotional, family and relationship struggles, for example. That is not a problem in and of itself, as we all have our challenges. But Chronics also have what I call a flat learning curve, that is, they don’t learn much from their experiences, nor do they apply all the advice you give them, time after time. They want to spend time with you, but more because you are a caring and supportive person, less because they want to apply your advice. You can spend enormous time and meetings trying to help Chronics, and just not see change.
Contaminants: We are all imperfect, but Contaminants are at another level. They have bad motives. They tend to be envious, and desire to divide and damage others. They can attack your business, your church, your marriage, your family, or your own soul. When you have clear evidence that you are dealing with a Contaminant, you must warn them of their behavior, and then create safety and distance from them.

When I take leaders and families through these categories, the first thing they usually say is “Hey, I’m bottom heavy!” In other words, they become aware that they have too many Care, Chronic and Contaminant relationships, and not enough Coaches, Comrades and Casuals in their lives. This imbalance can lead to significant losses of energy and positivity.

The answer is to right-size matters. First build up the Coaches and Comrades, then begin pruning back the lower categories. I spell out exactly how to do this in the book, in a reasonable and respectful way.

You will be amazed at how things go better for you!

Best,

John

People Fuel, Part 2: What We Need from Each Other

August 28, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Research shows us that the quality of our relationships is a major indicator of how our quality of life works out. Those who don’t have enough sustained and safe relationships tend to have more health, relationship, emotional and career challenges. Relationships aren’t a luxury, they are a necessity, right up there with food and shelter.

In my new book People Fuel, I outline 4 Quadrants of what I call Relational Nutrients, that we are to regularly give and receive with each other. Just like our body needs bionutrients, neuroscience shows that these Relational Nutrients help our brains stay energetic, positive and focused. Only they don’t come in capsules. They are delivered via a face-to-face conversation, phone call, video, email or text. Here are the 4 areas:

Quadrant 1: Be Present
To be present means to “be there” and be personally and emotionally engaged with another person. Presence requires a few words, if any at all. When we are stressed or encountering challenges, sometimes advice is the last thing we need. But someone who can “enter our well” of challenge, can bring great benefit. This is because our most fundamental need is to know we are not alone, but that someone “gets it” about our situation. We need
Nutrients such as Acceptance, which is connection without judgement, and Attunement, which is “tuning in” to our emotional state and understanding it.

Quadrant 2: Convey the Good
Sometimes we feel a bit discouraged or “down” from some difficult situation at home or at work. But when someone conveys that they see good character, effort and achievement in us, it helps release oxytocin, which elevates our mood. All we need in these situations is for someone to give us Affirmation that we’re doing our best, or Encouragement that they believe in us.

Quadrant 3: Provide Reality
Life can throw complex situations at us, and we don’t have a quick solution. Work can be challenging and confusing, as well as relationships. We often need the right information, data or wisdom from someone who is “for” us. The Nutrients of Perspective and Insight often provide us with a better approach to a problem, so we can solve it.

Quadrant 4: Call to Action
At the end of the day, we need to do something, not just think something. Our behavior needs to become activated, to take an action step. This is when great Advice, or a Structured plan make all the difference in seeing the changes we need to make, that will make life work better.

Those are the Quadrants, and we need to receive and give Nutrients from each Quadrant pretty much every week.

Here’s the challenge: You must own your need, and you must also ask for your need, from the right person. It doesn’t work to wait for people to read your mind and try to give you a Nutrient that you might not need. But if you ask the right people, they will most likely be happy to help you. And you can give back to them.

We need to need. It’s how the world works! To get the whole list of all 22 Nutrients, get the book or just go to RelationalNutrients.com.

Best,

John

The Keys to Any Great Team

August 19, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Life, job and just about anything work better when we’re on teams. There is an enormous amount of research on the power of great teamwork. Whether it be an executive group, a sales and marketing team, or a team of parents coordinating for a kids’ soccer league, teams make matters better. I never thought I would write a blog with the cliché, “Team Work makes the Dream Work”, but it’s actually true! We accomplish more together than by ourselves, and with the right teammates, we are also happier and more engaged.

I’ll be writing a book on the power of teams, and here is my model of the 4 aspects of any great one. Check them out, and see which of the 4 is one you can implement within your own team to make things run lots better:

Conviction: When we have conviction, we are guided by our mission and core values, as opposed to our feelings for the moment, or the stresses and glitches of the day. Teams that have conviction are clear in their mission, for example, “We are here to make Acme Tech more productive.” And they are clear on the “compass” of their values, such as excellence, quality and taking care of people. Great teams keep mission and values front and center. They talk about them. They make decisions based on them. They keep them relevant.

Cohesiveness: A great team connects, which is what the word means, connection. They bond to each other and care about each other. There is a big difference between a team that is functionally cohesive, and one that is relationally cohesive. Functional cohesion is basically about reliability and dependability in task. It’s important and necessary. But functional cohesion alone will never create a great team, only a good one. A great team is not only functionally cohesive, but relationally cohesive, meaning personally and emotionally connected. The members are vulnerable with each other, with no fear of judgment or “scorekeeping.” They give and receive energy and positivity with each other.

Clarity: Teams need role clarity. Each person needs to know what their tasks and job description are, and how to stay in their lane. Then they are more effective and efficient. And you avoid the problem of someone neglecting what is unique to their responsibilities, and going to a lane where the other person is already working. Which sort of annoys the other person as well. Clarity is king.

Candor. When a team has conviction, cohesiveness and clarity, these make it safe enough to have the honest and frank conversations. A great team gives and receives feedback that is both positive and negative, though respectful as well. We benefit when someone says, “Hey, we have a problem here.” You don’t want the mission to be sidelined because no one spoke up, for fear of disrupting things. Candor helps a team disrupt in a positive direction.

Teams are a great way to not only get things done, but to also feel like you’re part of something larger than you, and that has purpose. Here’s to your great team.

John

Relational Nutrients: What You Need from Others, and What You Can Provide to Others

June 28, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend

We all need energy and clarity, for our families and our work. We know that the right nutrition, sleep, workouts and a positive attitude are part of the equation for energy and clarity. However, neuroscience research now shows that the quality of our relationships plays a major part in this as well.

This article will show you what great things you need from others, and what you can also provide to others. In my just-released book People Fuel (https://www.amazon.com/People-Fuel-Fill-Your Leadership/dp/0310346592/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0_encoding=UTF8&qid=1561127089&sr=8-2), I use the parallel of how our bodies need bionutrients, such as vitamins and minerals, to stay healthy and active. If you don’t have enough calcium, for example, you risk osteoporosis. If you lack sufficient iron, you can become anemic.

In the same way, I use the term relational nutrients to describe how we keep each other energetic, clear and vital via what we provide to each other. However, instead of taking a supplement capsule, the nutrients are delivered from brain-to-brain by meaningful conversations: face to face, phone, text and videos.

If we don’t intake the necessary relational nutrients, and at the right times, we can lose energy, have mood problems and not be as effective and productive as we could be. There are 22 nutrients, grouped into 4 Quadrants, which makes it simple to understand and use. Here are the Quadrants:

Quadrant 1: Be Present. Sometimes we just need someone to “be there” for us, and with us, when we are having a challenge. Being present means that the person is interested, engaged, listening well and tuned in to our emotional state. If you’ve ever been overwhelmed and upset, and have someone give you lots of advice instead of just “being there” with you, you know what this means.

Quadrant 2: Convey the Good. When we’ve had a struggle or a failure, it’s easy for us to become discouraged or “out of gas.” The relational nutrients in this Quadrant provide encouragement, respect and affirmation for us.

Quadrant 3: Provide Reality. If you’ve ever had a complicated relationship or work problem, you know how much you need insight, perspective or feedback from another. Those conversations which get to the “Why” of our challenge are enlightening and clarifying for us.

Quadrant 4: Call to Action. Sometimes we need someone to help us get off our butts and take some practical step! That might mean advice to make a plan, or have a conversation we’ve been avoiding, or take a needed risk.

You can download a free digital table of the 22 relational nutrients in the 4
Quadrants, by simply going to relationalnutrients.com and accessing it. Or you can print a hard copy for yourself, whichever works for you.
The right nutrients from others, and to others, may be the missing piece for you.

Best,

John

Asking For Help

February 8, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Think about the last time you needed help in some situation, say something as simple as your smartphone battery dying and needing to borrow someone’s charger. Maybe it was easy to ask a friend for the charger. Or maybe you felt a bit uncomfortable in asking. Regardless, most of us hesitate, at some time or another, in requesting help and assistance from others. But the reality is humans need each other, every day and in lots of ways. We weren’t designed to be self-sufficient islands unto ourselves. Life goes better when we ask, and when others ask us. So here are a few tips to help you be a better “asker.”

Turn the tables in your mind. Think empathetically about how you feel when someone you care about asks you for advice or a cup of sugar. If you’re in a decent mood, you are most likely happy to provide that person with something. Helping is like Prozac for the mind. When we help, with a positive attitude, the famous oxytocin is released, and we feel happy, energetic and content. So the reverse is also true. When you ask others, you are creating a space for the other person to feel positive as well.

Value your life. If you are without something that’s important to you, you need to value your life enough that you will step out and ask another for help. People who don’t think much of themselves will often think, I’m high maintenance, I’m not worth it, and refrain from asking. But then they never get the assistance they need. Remember that your life and your contributions are important.

Don’t give up after one “no.” Sometimes people get discouraged after getting up the courage to ask, and then the other individual says no, like, “No, I don’t have time to help you work on your bike on Saturday.” But one “no” doesn’t tell the tale. Ask several people, it increases the odds that someone will say “yes.” One of my sons, Benny, is in commercial real estate financing. When he was first starting out, he was making 150 cold calls a day. The great majority of them said “no”, and often “hell no.” But Benny kept calling. I asked him at dinner how his day went, and he said, “Great day, I got 3 maybe’s and 147 no’s!”

Make sure you are not being truly high maintenance. It’s always good, if you’re not sure, to ask those in your life if you’re being too demanding of others time and energy. If we are going through a hard time, we may be doing it and not being aware of it. If that’s the case, then add more supportive people to the mix, so your friends don’t get burnt out during your long term difficult period. And also use what you are given. People don’t mind giving more when the other person is grateful, becomes empowered, makes good changes and improvements, etc.

Asking is good and healthy. So I’m asking you to share this blog with someone else to help them too! Take care.