So you’re gainfully employed!  Congratulations on being part of the working world, and helping your product or service make the world a better place to live, for a reasonable return!   

For many, however, the honeymoon is over.  They feel they have an achievement ceiling over their heads, not enough resources, an unhealthy culture and an organization that is pointed the wrong way.  This can be very unnerving and discouraging for someone who wants to perform in the greatest environment possible. Here are some tips to help:

Study and train in your area.  Be the best you can be in your area.  Read blogs and go to conferences.  Ask people in your department to have coffee and ask them questions you need help in. You will not only make yourself more productive, but the message will get out to the culture that you are a go-getter who is giving a lot to the organization.

Connect with the team.  Nothing helps you succeed better than having positive and trusting relationships with the team.  They will help you achieve your goals and beyond. Don’t get stuck at your desk. Reach out to them, help them, have social time with them.  No divas or isolates here!

Ask for things to do.  Supervisors are always  blown away by the questions “What else can I do?”  They are always overwhelmed with projects and are surprised that you would actually come to ask them if you can help them.  If you have the bandwidth do it every few weeks. I promise you will be noticed in a good way.

Ask for opportunities to grow and develop.  Pick a conference and ask if they will pay for it.  Let them know you want to grow to the next level of achievement.  

Volunteer to help with the problems.  See my second paragraph. Just pick one, and ask if you can get engaged to improve matters.  

Success in a company, even a very flawed one, is a mixture of several interventions.  Be there, work hard, ask to do more, and seek ways to improve. It will get noticed and rewarded.

Best,

John

One of the most important aspects of our lives is the need for connection and great relationships. When we don’t have that connection, we can find ourselves in isolation. While it can be healthy in limited doses, isolation can be harmful to your wellbeing when it turns into an extended period of time.

Isolation Is Not Always Bad

First, let’s talk about small periods of “alone time.” Isolation in small doses is a good thing.  

All of us, even the extroverts among us, need “me time” to rest, recharge, and get our heads back in the game of life. This “me time” possibly includes being alone in one’s home or office, reading, listening to music or taking a walk.

Our brains crave a space during the day. In this space, there is no external stimulation coming in which we need to deal with, such as someone’s questions, or story or simply talking about their experiences.  Alone is a good thing in this context. It’s not permanent. It’s just a “time out,” if you will.

Loneliness is often a symptom of isolation. I share four tips to help you move away from loneliness and into healthy relationships here.

The 3 Types of Negative Isolation

A little isolation is okay. But, if you are not careful, it can turn into prolonged periods where we don’t connect with anyone. Isolation can sort-of take control of your life.

I want to outline the three types of isolation which aren’t helpful for us and how we can address them.

1. Continual interpersonal isolation. This is where there’s “too much” aloneness. It may be that you are very busy at work, or don’t regularly reach out to friends or family. Regardless, research indicates that we need some sort of meaningful, supportive contact with people every week of our lives. So, if life has you in a busy-and-isolated season, that’s fine. That’s normal. But, don’t make it a lifestyle. Have lunch or a good phone call with supportive, safe people a minimum of three times a week.
2. The isolation of exposure to chronic relationships. You may not be technically alone, but if you spend significant amounts of time on people who drain you or are toxic, you are not experiencing the transfer of relational nutrients that you need. You may be isolating yourself without even knowing it if you are not with someone who listens, is emphatic, and wants the best for you. If this is your situation, prune back the chronic relationship and increase the supportive connections.
3. The isolation in our minds. Some people can be around supportive, warm relationships all day and STILL don’t feel connected. This is because their mental isolation is so pervasive that, try as they might, they can’t let others in. So, they always feel they are “on the outside looking in” on life and not a part of rich relationships. This is a problem called detachment, which is the inability to make vulnerable connections. If this is the issue, you can get help, in the form of a coach or therapist who specializes in detachment.  

There is a great deal of information and research on isolation. It can be overwhelming, but not insurmountable by any means. Live in a relationship, even if it’s just a platonic friendship. Don’t let isolation rule over a life of connection, love, meaning, and energy.

Fact: We are simply on our phones too much. A recent study found that people spend over 4 hours a day on mobile phones last year, or around 86 hours a month!

The bigger problem, of course, is the fact that too much screen time is not enough to cause most of us to change our behavior.

“I gained a couple pounds” or “I don’t work out enough” aren’t the motivators they SHOULD be to put the phone down.

Three Positive Benefits of Decreasing Mobile Screen Time

Here are a few of the positive benefits of using your mobile device less. Ideally, so the “less” becomes “more” for you!

Increased energy. We all need more energy and, truthfully, we’re all pretty fatigued. Energy doesn’t come from phone screen time. In fact, concentrating and focusing for extended periods of time on a little screen can make you tired, as it’s a lot of work. Two of the most reliable sources of energy are positive face-to-face experiences with other people and activities that require movement. If you put the phone in your pocket and connect with another person or do something with your body, you will notice an increase in your energy level. Movement causes the brain to release endorphins.

Usable time.  While some phone usage is valuable, the vast majority of what we are actually doing on our phones is entertainment/social related: apps that let us see what everyone we know is doing, play games and stream video content. Think about all the usable time that’s being wasted! Thanks to our dependency on smartphones, we are seeing a new trend: people who have visions, passions, and goals to accomplish something meaningful are slowed down in their progress because the time is not there. The reality is that it’s actually there, but it’s in the form of less entertainment/social time on the phone. Look at your screen time like empty calories: they aren’t bad for you, but they aren’t helping you either. Prune back your phone screen time and use that to get moving on starting up your new business or pursuing your dream.  

Self-acceptance.  There is tons of research showing that, when we spend lots of time on our phones, we stray into comparisons with others: who is more successful, who has a better family, is better-looking, etc.  This comparison can become never-ending and spirals downhill quickly.

Also, you almost NEVER come out happy with yourself. Stop comparing your life with the small pieces that others are choosing to share with you online. Instead, get more involved in your non-digital existence to reduce that debilitating feeling. You will be too busy living in the moment to compare yourself to anyone online!

You can read more of my thoughts on setting healthy boundaries in the digital landscape and how to keep your mobile devices from taking over your life here.

Love your mobile device, but be in charge of it. Use it when necessary, but walk away from it when you can.

Few emotional experiences are more painful than loneliness. We have all felt this way at some point. It could be 10 minutes, 10 days, or even 10 years. Some experience it over a lifetime.

No one should live with loneliness.

What is Loneliness?

I think of loneliness as being relationally incomplete. Being relationally incomplete means there is something missing (inside) that longs to have a person there. It’s like a hole in your heart in the metaphoric sense.

Much of the time, you’re lonely for a specific person, like your spouse or a friend or your boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes, you may miss your parents, especially if they’ve passed away.

Other times, loneliness might be a general feeling of, “I’m always relationally incomplete.” People who are lonely make feel like they’re walking through life with something missing. This often can feel really bad because you don’t think you can do anything about it.

Believe it or not, choice is a big factor when it comes to combating loneliness. I discuss my four principles for choosing the right people here.

These Tactics Don’t Work

Loneliness can become overpowering if you are not mindful. Maybe you’ve experienced this in your own life.

First and foremost, do not ignore your feelings of loneliness and/or try to power through it. All of us get busy: we work hard and try to do well in our jobs, and get involved in activities and hobbies. While those things are great, they aren’t a cure-all for the feeling of loneliness. The reason these activities don’t “fix” our loneliness is simple: loneliness is about relationships, whereas work and hobbies are about tasks. Just being busy isn’t going to fix the outlying problem of feeling disconnected from others.

Second, stop hoping for a fairy tale. That’s where you wish somebody would come along and rescue you out of your loneliness. Sorry, that’s not realistic! In the clinical world, we call that a “passive rescue wish.” A “passive rescue wish” means I want to sit back and hope somebody calls, texts, or comes and knocks on the door. It’s when you expect someone to save you (instead of saving yourself.) If you are waiting for someone else to help, you’re not taking charge of your own loneliness and happiness. I strongly encourage you to reach out when you are feeling lonely to a good friend or close family member so you can start to recognize how being proactive can help combat isolation. There is nothing wrong with asking for a little help!

The third thing that won’t work relates to dropping our standards in order to stop the feeling of loneliness. Basically, we allow anyone and everyone to have some of our time and energy because we long for human connection. If those people are positive influences, that’s great, but what if they are toxic people, highly dysfunctional people, or narcissists? Sometimes we have to consider the quality of the company; be mindful of what is getting your energy/attention.

You CAN do better than that.

Follow These 4 Steps to Work Through Loneliness

Now that we’ve covered a few things you shouldn’t do to when dealing with loneliness, here’s what you can do if you are experiencing this difficult emotion.

1. Recognize that loneliness is normal. Be aware that feeling lonely is very normal. Everyone at some point in their life will feel disconnected from others. Don’t beat yourself up for that. Instead, recognize your loneliness and then take a step forward to change it.
2. Focus on the safe people in your life. If you don’t have anybody, you have to make the effort. For example, if you’ve just moved to a new town, find a really healthy church and reach out and say, “Can we have dinner?” When you have that dinner, you must be vulnerable. You must say, “I’m just not having dinner to talk about, you know, sports and vacation and stuff. I’ve kinda had a lonely time.” A safe person will go, “I had no idea. I had no idea you felt like that. Tell me more about it.” When you’re vulnerable, then their warmth and care gets inside and starts to finish that up.
3. Take in the love. Relationships are life fuel. They are the nutrients that bring us happiness and joy. The good relationships in our lives are with people who give us acceptance and love, empathy and understanding, and they sometimes kick us in the butt. That feeling of love energizes us to go create something, to start that business, to be a great parent, or go serve others. Loneliness gets solved when you take in the great energy people give you.
4. Give and receive. What we put out into the world is what we receive in return. Be grateful and demonstrate gratitude. What you focus on becomes your priority, so be determined to live graciously with yourself and others. Loneliness only truly begins to dissipate when we are vulnerable with others and offer warmth, grace, and truth in return.

Hopefully, these four tips will help you combat the feeling of loneliness. You can also try getting around someone you care about and just saying, “I’d like to spend some time with you, I’m feeling lonely right now.” Give them the opportunity to show you how much they care and then use that energy to go do something you’ve been meaning to do.