Communicating

Opioids: How to Help Someone Battling Addiction

July 20, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We are seeing a great deal on the news about the opioid crisis in the U.S. and in the world these days.

Opioids are pain-relieving substances which exist in prescription form (oxycodone, hydrocodone, codeine and morphine), in synthetics (fentanyl) and in illegal forms (heroin). I simply cannot overemphasize how incredibly hyper-addictive opioids can be. The Mayo Clinic puts it as clearly and directly as it can be put: “Anyone who takes opioids is at risk of developing addiction.”

On a personal note, my nephew recently died from opioid addiction. He was a young man with a bright future ahead of him, and we all cared deeply for him. Knowing firsthand what our family experienced, you would not wish this sort of tragedy on your worst enemy. The family will be dealing with the impact of opioids in his life, for many years.

Opioid addiction creates a devastating wake, including death (115 people in the US per day), health issues, long-term debilitation, family fragmentation and job losses. Recent research by Blue Cross, which insures a third of the U.S. population, is indicating a decline in opioid addiction by its members. That is an encouraging sign.

At the same time, a crisis that is declining is still a crisis.

This is no time for any of us to become disengaged or complacent.

So, here are some tips to help someone you care about or even yourself.

Educate yourself. Knowledge is power. It will help you to understand the main realities of opioid addiction on several levels: how the chemicals work in the brain; the nature of the addiction process; how to identify it in someone; what treatments are available; helping the family, and the legal and political aspects. The information will help you to think clearly and know better how to act when you are faced with any aspect of addiction.
If you see it, say it. Far too many people don’t want to rock the boat with someone they suspect of using. Sometimes they don’t want to upset the relationship, sometimes they doubt their own gut and observations, and sometimes it just isn’t a priority. But the harm of saying something and being wrong about it is far less than the danger of not saying anything and being wrong about that. You aren’t judging or condemning anyone to tell them what you are observing in their behavior and patterns, and you are speaking from love and concern.
Address the national conversation. There is no way that the opioid crisis will be resolved only by finding good treatments. We need a larger conversation by advocates to work on a legal and financial level, to deal with matters such as availability and sourcing. Ask your local congressperson what they are doing, and how you can engage.

In the end, it is all about taking action.

By the way, I would like for my nephew’s story to be accompanied by his name, to make it more personal and real. His name is Adam.

6 Ways We Can Learn to Trust Again

July 16, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We are born trusting. In the beginning, we put our trust in our parents and relatives to care for us, love us, and keep us alive. Yes, these are basic needs, but they are also important ones!

Unfortunately, over time, something happens.

We get let down. We get left out. We go through a break-up or betrayal. The hard truth is that a lot of things just happen in our lives that cause us to lose trust in others. Knowing this, is it even possible to learn to trust again?

Yes. You can trust again!

Defining Trust is a Must

How do we define trust?

Trust is allowing someone to know our vulnerabilities. It’s about revealing our soft spots, failures, pain, negatives, and weaknesses. When you allow someone to see the real you, it’s a way of saying, “I trust you with this information, and I believe that you’re not going to do something hurtful to me with it.”

In the Bible, one of the translations for the word “trust” in Hebrew is “to be careless.” This means that you have so much trust in someone that you’re just careless with them. You don’t worry about saying the right thing. There is no walking on eggshells. There is no fear. You are truly yourself when you show that vulnerability and trust.

This “carelessness” comes from knowing that, no matter what, you are safe with this person you trust. When someone violates that trust or exposes one of the “secret parts” of ourselves that we don’t share with everyone, it hurts. Sometimes deeply.

That betrayal is what I call a trust fracture. How do trust fractures happen? Unfortunately, trust can be broken in a number of ways, especially as we grow older.

Divorce, problems with an adult child, challenges at work, friendship drama, and disappointment are all common culprits of trust fractures. How we approach rebuilding trust after it fractures that makes all the difference.

The Two Big Don’ts in Trusting

Two different outcomes can happen when someone breaks our trust. Sadly, sometimes these trust fractures happen more than once and we experience a hurtful pattern from the same person. Small breaches in confidence add up! Once those breaches happen, it can be hard to trust anyone, whether they’re a longtime friend or someone new.

Big Don’t #1: We don’t trust anyone.

When we lose trust, we often default to not trusting ANYONE. That’s not good at all. You need safe people in your life and that means having trust in them. They’ll give you the right nutrients for a happier and more trusting life. (Information on how to identify the safe people in your life is in my blog post here.)

Big Don’t #2: We trust everyone (but shouldn’t)

Or, conversely, we trust TOO quickly. When people let us down or are inconsistent, we can sometimes forgive and forget without sitting back and thinking, “Let me discern if you’re gonna really change your ways here.”

Then, the cycle repeats.

Trusting everyone or trusting no one at all is not a healthy way to work through losing trust. You end up in a passive permanent state where you wait for people to come to you. That won’t give you the nutrients you need at all.

6 Ways to Learn to Trust Again

The good news is that you can learn to trust again, no matter how deep the fracture, if both people agree to change (and actually do).

Repairing a trust fracture won’t happen overnight. It is going to be hard work, too. It takes time to rebuild trust or to initially put your trust in someone after a pattern of broken promises. But, if you follow these steps, you will be in a prime position to start trusting again.

Count The Cost. By not trusting anyone, consider these questions: What am I missing out on? Am I lonely? Am I lacking energy? Healthy boundaries are one thing. They help us with trusting people. But, when you put up too many boundaries to the point of isolation, you lose out on the potential for the nutrients needed for a happier life.
Don’t Be Afraid. A big step toward rebuilding trust or putting your trust in someone new is overcoming the fear-need complex. It’s something in our head that says, “I’m afraid of needing people so I won’t need them. But, then I feel like I really need them and I get afraid.” It’s a hard, back and forth internal struggle. Let the need overcome that fear.

Stick Your Toe in the Water. Take a small risk with someone NEW and see what happens. Allow someone to see a small mistake you made and be vulnerable. This is what happens right after you work through the fear I mentioned in #2.

Pick the Right People to Trust. Trusting someone is hard, so don’t make it harder than it has to be. Make sure people deserve your trust. You’ve got to make sure the people you’re surrounding yourself with are not going to intentionally betray your trust I always stress the need to identify safe people and trust is a big part of that concept.

Treat Others as You Want to Be Treated. Trust is truly a two-way street. The foundation of trust is built when you treat someone well, regardless of what they can or can’t do for us. Start to look out for them, start to put their needs in front of your own. It’s a lot easier to build trust with someone who shows consistent, good behavior toward us. It’s also a way to show the other person how they can build trust with you!

Balance Strength & Vulnerability. A strong person is one who can be vulnerable with others. Meaning, strength comes from being able to trust someone. For example, if you tell someone you want to trust that you’re feeling anxious about a situation at work and they give you warmth in response, that’s a show of strength. It is not weak to show vulnerability. Quite the opposite in fact. Keep in mind, this is not the kind of strength that dominates people or controls them, but the kind of strength that is balanced with being vulnerable.

It takes a lot of work to build trust, and even more, work to build it back up after a trust fracture. Trust is not something that should be given freely (meaning just to anyone). It should be earned.

School Shootings: How You Can Think and Act About Them

July 13, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Some of the most heartbreaking and disturbing feelings you can experience are in the aftermath of the tragedy of a school shooting.

It is something we were not designed to handle, as the depth of the loss is intense. The feelings we have tend to be a combination of horror, sadness, anger and being overwhelmed.

We are horrified by knowing kids, our most vulnerable population, are being killed. Our sadness is a reflection of our compassion for these children and their families, in which life has been marked forever. Anger comes against the murderer, creating a desire for justice. And the overwhelmed part is because there is so much division in our country about what can solve this.

There are some ways to think about this controversial issue, and some things we can do, that will help. Here are some tips:

Get clear.

Neuroscience teaches us that our minds do not do well in an overwhelmed state. When we see a video of a shooting and then feel the emotions I described, our brains go into the amygdala mode, which is our reactive, fight-or-flight mode. The strength of these strong and conflicting emotions can, over time, keep us upset, feeling paralyzed, and not being able to let this go and deal with our normal lives.

This is no solution for how to solve the issue, nor is it one what is good for your personal life either. So get clear: make sure you are talking to safe people in your life who can really hear how much emotion you feel. You don’t want to be alone with those feelings.

Also, study the issue, don’t ignore it. Ignorance adds to the confusion, and information clarifies. Figure out which of the experts and solutions make sense to you. Take a stance, even though it isn’t perfect. You will simplify your mind’s clarity and be able to handle what you think about the situation.

Think in terms of balance.

We need to deal with the symptom of the problem, which is that, in the current environment, our schools need systems for protection and security. And we need to deal with the causes as well. There are several causes that are being investigated, with mental illness, gun control, and criminal behavior being some of the most discussed ones.

An approach that only addresses the symptoms is bound to ultimately fail, as is the cause-focused approach as well. If a doctor has a patient with a raging fever, she will certainly give him something for his discomfort, but she will also examine him for a bacterial, viral, or other cause, to solve the underlying problem.

Don’t be the hand-wringer. Be a solver.

Unfortunately, we tend to move into “it’s all going to hell in a handbasket” conversations when we see the horror and devastation of these school shooting tragedies. We certainly all need time and conversations to process this, in order to digest the data in our brains.

But, once you have done that, stay away from those conversations that don’t go anywhere after a while, except into helplessness and bitterness. They aren’t good for you or the schools.

I was at a dinner of friends recently where a few people got into the topic, and it was going nowhere except into more unproductive, helpless and angry feelings. Then, one of the people in the group said, “We’ve talked about this a lot, and it’s important. Can we either come up with our ideas for solutions or change the subject?” The result was that several people had some good ideas, and it became a more helpful conversation.

Our kids and our schools deserve the most thoughtful solutions possible. We need to all look for answers.

4 Principles for Choosing the Right People

June 25, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

There is something vital we must understand about the people we have relationships with: much of our pain in life is caused by the people we choose.

Consider these questions:

Are you experiencing the same problems or feelings that you’ve experienced in previous relationships?
Do you find that you continually pick people to fall in love with or become close friends with who hurt you in some way?
Do you find yourself wondering if there are any “good ones” out there?
Do you often go through periods of emotional turmoil as a result of choosing someone who wasn’t good for you?
Is “How did I get myself into this?” a frequent question you ask yourself?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of those questions, you are not alone! A lot of people can relate to these feelings!

Their personal and professional relationships often are lacking in some way, leaving them to wonder why they end up in the situations they do. They wonder what they are doing wrong, why they “deserve” to be treated in such a way, and if it can ever be any different. Sound like anyone you know?

What Makes a Good Choice?

The truth is that poor relational choices are self-inflicted, but can be changed with a little work.

Most people find themselves in one rotten relationship after another, and don’t stop to analyze why they make these choices. They just assume they are unlucky and forget considering there may be a better way to make choices in relationships.

Before we talk about choosing the right people, though, let’s look at hurtful selections people make.

What makes a poor choice? In a word—character.

The quality of someone’s makeup determines whether or not they’ll be good (or in some cases bad) in a relationship. We are attracted to someone’s outsides: their looks, status, intelligence, and personal and professional achievements. However, we experience their insides: their character. The character makeup of a person determines what they’ll be like in a relationship.

If they do not have the ability to do certain things that require good character, then they won’t be able to be good in relationships. It’s that simple!

4 Principles for Choosing the Right People

Relational problems occur when one or both of the participants are unable to meet the realistic demands of a relationship. This usually is because they are emotionally undeveloped in certain areas. And the result is a lot of pain caused by unmet basic needs.

Now that we’ve framed the problem, let’s look at four principles that will help you choose the right person, be the right person, and develop healthy relationships.

#1: Connection

A relationship is first and foremost about emotional connection. Our attachments to others are called “bonds,” and they are created and maintained by someone’s ability to share and connect from the heart, with all of its emotional vulnerabilities and tender feelings.

Many people can relate on a superficial and social level. But in a long-term relationship of any kind, it becomes increasingly important for you to be able to share your heart with someone, and have your heart be safe with that other person. When evaluating people that you are going to give your heart to, be careful to see if they can respond responsibly to your vulnerability and feelings! Make sure you are not creating a one-sided relationship and that they can also share their own heart with you. That mutual sharing is how bonds are built and maintained.

When determining whether or not someone would be “right” to connect with, ask yourself these questions:

Can they listen and empathize with your feelings and vulnerabilities?
Can they share on an emotional level?
Do you go away from time with them feeling like you have connected, or do you feel alone in th relationship?
Is there a high level of assurance that your bond will be protected?

Asking yourself these questions will help ensure that you are creating mutually beneficial relationships instead of one-sided ones.

#2: Boundaries

Another important aspect of a healthy relationship is to respect each other’s personal boundaries.

One way you can tell if someone respects your personal boundaries is whether you feel free to be in control of your own person, or whether you feel invaded, or controlled, by the other person when you are with them. A healthy person will respect your wishes to be in control of yourself. They allow you to freely choose what you want to do, or what you don’t do, without any pressure.

Do they become unreasonable when you refuse to do something? Can they allow you to be separate from them and have your space? Do they see you as an extension of themselves, in some way, and feel they have a right to control you and do whatever they want with you?

Consider the following questions:

Do they pressure you into spending too much of your time with them, or can you say “no” to their wishes and still be accepted?
Do they push in other areas, such as the physical area, in a dating relationship?
Can they hear and respect your “no” when they push you further than you want to go?
Do they allow you the freedom to have different opinions, values, and wishes than they do, or do you feel like you have to somehow be a “clone” of what they want you to be?
Do you feel like your choices are respected, or do you feel like there is only one “will” in the relationship?
Is it “their way or the highway?”

These are hard questions to answer, but it’s extremely important to have boundaries in a healthy relationship.

#3: Perfectionism

Raise your hand if you are perfect. What, no hands? That’s because everyone makes mistakes! What matters in a relationship is how each person reacts to those mistakes. Another important area to consider is the way a relationship handles the imperfections of each partner.

In this world, we aren’t going to be perfect, or find a perfect person to love. Expecting yourself or your partner to be perfect is unrealistic! What is realistic is having a good understanding of how each person deals with the imperfections in the relationship.

Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt some pressure to be “ideal” or perfect? The fallout of that kind of relationship can be difficult at best, and disastrous at worst. If you stay in a relationship that requires you to “be perfect,” you can end up feeling like it is not OK to be yourself, to be real with your faults and imperfections, and to make mistakes. That is not the kind of feeling you want!

In dating relationships, perfectionism can be displayed in the pressure to look or act a certain way so your partner will be happy with you. In friendships, it can be the pressure to not make mistakes or let them down. In parent-child relationships, it can be to be the ideal “trophy” child, making a parent happy by living up to unrealistic expectations.

Think about these questions:

Is it OK with your partner when you are “less than ideal”? What happens when you gain a few pounds or don’t look exactly like your partner wants you to? Or if you are not as successful as an “ideal” partner would be?
When you make a mistake, do you feel the freedom to confess to them that you failed?
Are you free to be your total real self with your partner? Can you reveal your faults and parts of yourself that aren’t so great?
Are there “image pressures” in the relationship? Do you feel the pressure to appear to be something that you aren’t, and wish that you could just be yourself?

It’s impossible to be perfect, and it’s important to learn from your mistakes so you can grow. Make sure you are in a relationship with someone who will support you through your mistakes. Chances are you will both learn and grow from them!

#4: Equality

The last quality we will look at is the ability for significant others to see you as an equal in the relationship.

Difficult relationships often have a dynamic called “one up/one down.” One partner always has to be the boss in the relationship, and is the self-appointed “parent.” They relate to the other primarily in terms of “shoulds,” telling them what they should do and not do.

This works well for a young child and a parent, but in adult friendships, dating relationships, and marriages, it fails if one partner is not seen as worthy of respect.

In short, it has to do with being dominated. Dominating relationships are very immature and lead to stunted emotional growth in both people. These relationships may be comfortable but are more often miserable and extremely limiting. And being under the control of another person doesn’t lead to intimacy (trust me).

When determining if your relationship has equality problems, consider these questions:

Do you feel that the other person always has to be in the superior position?
Do you frequently feel like a child around them?
Do you feel dominated and put down, even in a nice way?
Is there a judgmental quality to your relationship?

These character issues help relationships last and grow. No matter how attractive someone is, or how much we like them, if they have the character problems we just looked at, you are looking for trouble. In choosing your next significant relationship, consider these traits as carefully as you look at whatever else draws you to the person.

The Work is Worth the Effort

It would be nice to spot those red flag issues we’ve been discussing and steer clear of problem people, but none of us are certain how a person is going to react to certain situations. Today they may seem like a person who has a healthy respect for boundaries, but six months from now may be hoarding all your time and attention. None of us can evaluate another perfectly. But we can get better at it! The way we learn how to find the right people to have a healthy relationship with is only partly based on knowledge.

The biggest part of the solution has to do with our own character. To pick people of good character, we have to first become a person of healthy character. To find someone who can connect, we have to connect. To relate to someone with good boundaries, we have to have good boundaries of our own. To be with someone who is real, we have to grow past our own perfectionism.

The process by which we make the necessary changes in our own character is called spiritual growth. As we grow inside to become the person we were created to be, we find that we have better and better character ourselves, and as a result, make better choices in significant relationships. This requires work in our spiritual lives and makeup, and that’s not an easy process. But for those who have taken this challenge, they find that the work is worth the effort.

Need some help developing your character? Find a good community where you can learn how to grow in your ability to connect, be free from the control of others, be real, and be equal. Develop your spiritual life in such a community, as you learn to relate to your God and others in a deeper way. The lifelong rewards will surprise you.

6 Healthy Ways to Handle Critical People

June 18, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

You’ve probably heard the old saying, “everyone is a critic.” This is our way of saying we all have opinions on one subject or another. In general, most people can have disagreements without escalation. When this happens, everyone comes into the disagreement with a healthy approach, and most leave the conversation better for having a good, healthy interaction.

But, sometimes we have to disagree with difficult people. You have probably had to deal with a difficult person in your life. Whether in-person on their computer or mobile device, difficult people are out there. (They are everywhere, actually!)

Whether we like it or not, we’ll have to deal with them with the same grace and truth we apply to all realms of our lives.

Change Your Perspective

Now, I’m going to give you some insight into how to work with critical people for a healthier outcome.

The core issue of a critical person is that when they face a problem, they negate the good. That’s no good. That’s not the healthy way to deal with problems!

Everybody has some level of critical analysis when it comes to problem-solving. That’s perfectly fine. You have to say, “Well, I screwed up there, or we have a cultural problem here, or we have an organization problem here, or whatever.”

It’s not that they see bad things per se. Instead, they negate the good. Even though life’s tough, it should be more positive than negative. Pretty simple right? So, critical people tend to be way out of balance.

We must ask ourselves where this comes from. You have to understand where critical people come from just to see they’re not making this up.

So how does one become a critical person? Let’s look at that next. Where does the problem start?

Family of origin: Sometimes, they have a family of origin issues where they were raised around a lot of criticism and that became the norm.
Environment: Some people are just around negative people all their lives and assume that’s just a normal way to communicate.
The Receiving End: Sometimes a person is the recipient of a lot of criticism.
Disappointment: A lot of times, at a deep level, critical people have been disappointed so much that it’s a way to avoid taking a risk and saying this is what I want.

Get Control Over It

You’ve probably got a critical person in your life; we all have that one person (or possibly more) who can’t seem to see the good in any situation. Here are a few simple truths that hopefully help you gain some control over the situation.

Forget about pleasing them: I’m sorry to say it, but you can’t please them! They’re unpleasable because they’re critical! They move the goalpost so that the goal is unattainable. Don’t try to please them, you will just be spinning your wheels.
Don’t get involved in power struggles: Do not escalate the disagreement to show them that you’re “more alpha.” Male alpha or female alpha, don’t show them that you’re an alpha because they can escalate till the cows come home. No good. Waste of time.

I’ve covered what not to do above. Now, let’s get into a few healthy ways to handle critical people.

6 Healthy Ways to Handle Critical People

Hear them: Just say, “Help me understand.” The road to solving problems comes when people feel heard.
Understand they didn’t come in a vacuum: This disagreement did not occur in a vacuum, they got to this critical point from somewhere, so it gives you a sense of patience and empathy for them.

Let them know how you feel: That awareness will help the lights come on. They will often go, “Well, tell me when I do that again.”

Ask them what they want: Ask them to say what they desire. Make them be specific! Because remember, they’re probably dealing with defending against disappointment and so they are more identified by what they do not want than what they do want.
Affirm the baby steps: It’s hard for a critical person to be balanced and look at the good because the good never meant anything good for them. So when they finally say, “Well, I just want to tell the team good job. That’s all I got to say.” That’s when, you know, pop the cork, have a big party, thank you. We need to know that and don’t let them say, “But you need to do these other things.” No, that’s not okay. Affirm the baby steps, it’s hard work for them. Write down a couple of vulnerabilities, it’ll really give you power and control over that.
Request more positives: Let them know that they can keep the negatives and that they need to add to the positives. You are trying to redo the way their brain works. Then, you can really repair the relationship and make them happier and a better place to work with and be a friend to them.

It will be difficult, especially at first, but I promise you that this kind of stuff works. Just like you, critical people have goals, desires, and wants. You can be an advocate for the person and share warmth for a healthy outcome.

When working with a critical person, you might need help with the conversation. TownsendNOW can give you the Christian-based guidance you’re seeking.

Difficult Conversations

April 16, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Great conversations can lead to equally great personal development. But, as we know in life, we sometimes have to contend with those not-so-great conversations.

You will, more often than not, find yourself facing a difficult conversation or confrontation.

A successful confrontation will always involve balancing grace and truth. Grace is you being an advocate for the other person, while truth is whatever you need to say about the challenge at hand.

This balancing combination is referred to as being neutralized. Being neutralized doesn’t mean being neutral about the problem. In fact, the clearer you express your opinion, the better your chances of success.

Instead, being neutralized means that having grace and truth together counters the bad effects of having one of these by itself. In other words, grace or truth alone can have a negative effect in a confrontation.

People need both in their relationships.

For example, think about a time when someone told you the truth without love. You probably felt attacked, judged, or condemned. No matter how accurate the truth, it hardly mattered, because the hurtful feelings erased the truth in the confrontation.

Now reflect on a time you received grace without any truth.

Grace comforts us and keeps us safe and loved, but it doesn’t provide reality, structure, direction, or correction. You may have come away from that encounter feeling refreshed and encouraged, but without the path or insight to know what to do next. Truth neutralizes that problem and provides the way we need.

Here are some ways to keep both aspects in balance when you are having the talk:

The Other Person’s Grace and Truth: Even though you might be upset with someone, their ability to take in truth will also require love and grace, just as yours does. Your intent is not to fix, straighten out, or punish. It is to provide enough amounts of truth and grace to reconcile and solve the problem.
Lead With Grace: Tell the person you care about them and are on their side.
Keep Grace and Truth Together: You’ve got to have both elements woven into your difficult conversation. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for an unhealthy outcome, which no one wants.

A TownsendNOW membership means you get practical, Christian-based insight for having those difficult conversations.

Originally published by Faith Gateway. Taken from How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, copyright Zondervan, 2005.