Communicating

Great Conversations

April 9, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Great conversations can be a really important part of your life. What is a good conversation? It’s a dialogue between two people. It’s not a monologue.

Secondly, and one of the outcomes, is information.

Thirdly, the potential for self-improvement. There are a lot of conversations I’ve been in where I’m a better person because of having been around that person.

Many times, improvement, growth, and change can be a big part of it, but it’s not always necessary.

Why is This Important in the First Place?

First off, a transfer of nutrients. The way people grow and thrive in life and succeed is because we give each other nutrients to grow. The nutrients of encouragement and attunement and then the nutrients of wisdom and feedback and all these sorts of things.

A second reason it’s important is that those great conversations are self-reinforcing. A good conversation will reinforce many more.

Third of all, I think great conversations are milestones for great decisions.

So What Do You Do About It?

Let me give you the skills that really work. One is to take initiative. Don’t wait for someone to draw you out. Be a grown-up, ask them how they’re doing but you be the first mover.

Another very important one is to move toward vulnerability. When somebody opens up and says something about themselves like a struggle or a challenge they’re having, you say, “I had no idea you had a kid that was struggling. I had no idea that you weren’t happy with your job. Tell me more about that.” People in great conversations and great conversationalists are always moving toward the vulnerability of the other person. They’re vulnerable themselves. That’s where the real payoff is.

There’s also kind of a process here. Good conversations move from events to deeper matters.

One is feelings.
Another one is relationships in general.
Another one is no hijacking the football. If you are talking about something of interest, you go mutual. You pass it back and forth.
Finally, go for mutuality. Just make that your goal in a good conversation.

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Challenging Self-Judgment

March 26, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Self-judgment is an attack on the self by the self.

Or, rather, it’s an attack on you by you.

I know I’m sounding kind of weird or clinical here, but that’s the definition.

We all have a judge inside and he or she is not necessarily a bad person. That judge is able to evaluate and monitor your actions. For example, when leaving a party, you think to yourself, “How was I? Was I too loud? Was I kind? Was I interested? Did I make it about me?” That’s good judgment. That’s a valuation judgment so you act like a nice person and have great relationships.

The judge in our head is supposed to be two things-it’s supposed to be accurate and warm. It’s not supposed to beat you up.

We often get caught in the trap of just trying to ignore it. That’s about as effective as saying try not to think about a purple elephant right now.

Conversely, one healthy way to deal with self-judgment is to figure out where it’s coming from. Did it come from an authority figure, a parent, a coach, a teacher, a spiritual director? Where did that come from? That helps you to identify that this isn’t just you. It came from people that maybe had a lot of influence in my life.

Check out my recent blog on safe people to learn more about how external forces can shape your inner dialogue.

Key Essential Skills in Life

November 12, 2017 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

When looking at neuroscience and performance research, I find two groups of skills sets are necessary for success in life.

The first is “task skills.” These are the “doing” aspects, like making goals and forging a path to success.

The second is “people skills.” These are the “relating” aspects, which center on creating inspiration and healthy culture for those around you.

As research continues to come out, it is increasingly important for you to learn several specific “people abilities” which drive everything:

Here are the Top 3:

Listening well: All too often, we let people talk. But in our minds, we are formulating our response to them before they are finished. I often have my clients paraphrase what others are saying, asking, “Do I get your point of view now,” before they respond.
Being vulnerable: Many times, we want to put up a shield so as not to show weakness. However, we find people are actually drawn more to a person who is open about their weaknesses and failures.
Being direct: This is the ability, to be honest and emotionally present at the same time. It is more difficult than you think. Learn to keep your eye contact and your connectedness, even during the tough talks.

Communicating

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