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Dr. John Townsend

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Adult Children: Relating to Them in the Best Way

February 22, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

The adult-parent and the adult-child generations are having struggles with each other:  struggles in communication, in values and in just how to get along and care about each other.  However, while the generations are different, they have much more in common than they have differences.  So here are some tips to help you improve love and communication with your adult child.

Don’t treat them like a child, treat them like an adult. In fact, I don’t really like the term “adult child”, because that is an oxymoron. By definition, a child is dependent. That’s what being a child is: someone who is dependent on their parents for their physical, emotional, relational and financial needs. But an adult is someone who is independent from parents for those needs.  They are self-sufficient and have their own set of supportive and caring community to help them. Certainly a parent can be part of that community, but it doesn’t work well for a parent to be the primary source of life for them. So I’ll use the term “young adult” to make this clearer from here on out…

Enter their world. Parents of young adults are often reluctant to learning about their young adults’ lives, values, culture and interests. It’s not familiar and comfortable for them. So they just retreat to talking about their own activities. And it cuts off connection. So unless it’s dark material that is just really toxic, just ask about what they do for fun and meaning. Stay interested.  

Respect their choices. Young adults need to know that their life choices, even when their parent disagrees, are respected as their own choices. That is a hallmark of being an adult. You may not agree with the choice, but you have no right to not respect their right to choose. There is nothing wrong with disagreement, and often good things happen when those conversations can be had respectfully. But keep it respectful. Remember how you felt when you were a young adult once, yourself.

Refrain from unasked-for advice. Parents often have a protective desire to give advice to their young adults. They don’t want their kids to make mistakes in relationships, finance and self care. However, unasked-for advice is generally not helpful. The person is more concerned about feeling put down or controlled, than whatever you want to say to them. And saying “I’m just trying to help” does not work. So instead, use PTSF: ask, “May I have your permission to speak freely?” If they say OK, give it. If not, just talk about something else. Now, if there is some major dangerous emergency, certainly go ahead. But if not, don’t.

Encourage other life sources besides yourself. Some young adults are on the other end of the spectrum. They have not emotionally, relationally or financially cut the cord, so to speak. They go to their parents to keep their self-regard regulated, be their best friend and supplement their income deficits. This is a type of dependency, and slows down the adulting process.  So suggest to them to find other friends who will help them in these areas, and encourage autonomy and self-sufficiency. In serious cases, a parent may have to give the young adult less access to time and money, just to help them launch table score out more.

Don’t fragilize. No one wants to see their young adult struggle. But struggle is how we grow and are empowered. So don’t view them as fragile and easily-breakable people. Let them fail, learn lessons and find support. You can certainly be part of that support to an extent. But view them, and behave with them as they are: resilient and intelligent people who are finding their way.

I have so much respect for the current young adult generation. They have a number of things going on that we should be learning from. They are worth getting to know!

Best,

John

Filed Under: Boundaries, Communicating, Current Events, Education, Uncategorized

Have a Sane Christmas This Year

December 20, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Christmas is a wonderful holiday, with family, friends, faith and great times all rolled up together. But it’s more likely than not that you are feeling pressured to get it all done, whatever you have determined “it all” is.  You may also remember last Christmas, when afterwards, you felt a bit burnt out and in need of recovery.  

This Christmas doesn’t need to be that way! Here are some tips to help you have a Christmas this year where sanity rules.

Get away from it all for a few minutes, every day. The Christmas season is double duty: on top of family and job responsibilities, there are presents to buy and wrap, plus lots of  events to attend. It’s literally a second full time job. So you must find at least 20 minutes in a row every day to stop, put the phone on silent, go into another room, or take a walk, but somehow give your brain a break and simply do some deep breathing, relaxing and reflecting on something positive: gratitude for something good that is happening, a relationship that means something to you, a good job you accomplished at work. Otherwise you’ll end your day feeling frazzled. That 20 minutes will make a huge difference.

Prune back 20%. We never never never get our entire “to do” list done for Christmas. Then we feel stressed. The problem is, the stress doesn’t come from not getting it all done. The stress comes from expecting too much of ourselves. So write out and prioritize what is truly important and what is just sort of urgent but in the end, not all that important. Then knock off 20% of what you planned to do. It will not be easy, but I promise you, freedom is on the other end of that pruning and you will start to feel lighter with a little time and money margin during the season. 

Go for experiences more than things. Most of us have a lot of stuff. It’s rare that a tangible Christmas present will really transform your year. So give, and ask for, experiences: nights out, shows to see, hikes, mini-vacays, etc.  One of my favorite experiences was another couple taking my wife and me to a store where they showed us how to make coffee mugs by hand. I have remembered that for years, while I’ve forgotten the great majority of tangibles I’ve received. 

Pick who and how you spend your time with. At your gatherings and parties, don’t let crazy Uncle Bill dominate the event by controlling the conversation and making it about himself, or by just being rude. Don’t walk off in a huff from Uncle Bill, but be polite, spend about 2 minutes with him, then excuse yourself and walk over to where someone who is warm and interesting is.  Plant yourself there. Have 2-3 conversations with people like that. It will really help. And Bill probably won’t even notice you weren’t around. 

There is still time for sanity this year!!!! And Merry Christmas to you and yours.

John

Filed Under: Boundaries, Current Events, Family, Growth, Planning

Natural Disasters: How to Find Hope in their Wake

July 27, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We often feel powerless when a natural disaster strikes. Watching the news, seeing those affected, we quickly realize natural disasters do not discriminate.

The recent wildfires in the southwest and 2017’s destructive hurricane season caused untold damage to lives and property. All of us have either read about or experienced disasters, such as earthquakes, tornadoes, floods, and tsunamis.

Unfortunately, we will see them again in the future as well.  

Here are some tips to be able to deal with these sorts of negative realities that exist at a high-magnitude level:

    1. Do what life requires.  It is easy to become somewhat obsessed and focused on the past or the next disaster.  While we all need to prepare adequately for these occurrences, our minds are not equipped to stay “on call” thinking about these.  Psychologists call this hypervigilance, a state of constant alertness.  One aspect of hypervigilance is that the demands on your adrenal glands, constantly being engaged, causes them to become fatigued, which can be debilitating to your health and happiness.   Instead of being “on call” for the next disaster, do what is required in your life: take care of your relationships with your family and friends; work in something meaningful and useful; keep your self care a priority; engage in your interests and passions; and help other in some form of service.  This is not denial. It is simply letting your mind and behavior do what they do best.
    2. Stay connected.  Isolation and avoiding vulnerable relationships tend to have a magnifying effect on our stress reactions to disaster.  Aloneness makes us worse, not better. Having a few supportive, understanding and warm people in your life, where you can mutually share your fears, your lessons learned and your hopes will do a great deal to help you function and feel normal.
    3. Learn resilience.  Resilience is a psychological term describing the ability to bounce back over time after a stress or loss.  People who are resilient, for example, work through financial difficulties, health issues and family troubles, often to their previous level of functioning.  Resilience is not instant, but it is an important skill. Learn resilience over the smaller matters in life, using patience, perseverance and a positive attitude.  This will prepare you for the larger issues you will encounter.
    4. Remove any demand for a just universe.  The idea of “this is not fair” and “it’s not just” is a normal reaction to catastrophic events.  It is just how our minds respond. But if “this isn’t fair” becomes an internal mantra, it will tend to sap your strength, your clarity of mind and your sense of well being.  Just begin to accept that the world doesn’t run on “fair”, though it would be nice if it did. Instead, substitute “it is what it is, and I will deal with what it is.” That will be much more helpful and empowering for you.

 

Filed Under: Current Events, Growth Tagged With: communication, community, Critical, family, grace, resilience, Townsend, warmth

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