Education

Adult Children: Relating to Them in the Best Way

February 22, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

The adult-parent and the adult-child generations are having struggles with each other: struggles in communication, in values and in just how to get along and care about each other. However, while the generations are different, they have much more in common than they have differences. So here are some tips to help you improve love and communication with your adult child.

Don’t treat them like a child, treat them like an adult. In fact, I don’t really like the term “adult child”, because that is an oxymoron. By definition, a child is dependent. That’s what being a child is: someone who is dependent on their parents for their physical, emotional, relational and financial needs. But an adult is someone who is independent from parents for those needs. They are self-sufficient and have their own set of supportive and caring community to help them. Certainly a parent can be part of that community, but it doesn’t work well for a parent to be the primary source of life for them. So I’ll use the term “young adult” to make this clearer from here on out…

Enter their world. Parents of young adults are often reluctant to learning about their young adults’ lives, values, culture and interests. It’s not familiar and comfortable for them. So they just retreat to talking about their own activities. And it cuts off connection. So unless it’s dark material that is just really toxic, just ask about what they do for fun and meaning. Stay interested.

Respect their choices. Young adults need to know that their life choices, even when their parent disagrees, are respected as their own choices. That is a hallmark of being an adult. You may not agree with the choice, but you have no right to not respect their right to choose. There is nothing wrong with disagreement, and often good things happen when those conversations can be had respectfully. But keep it respectful. Remember how you felt when you were a young adult once, yourself.

Refrain from unasked-for advice. Parents often have a protective desire to give advice to their young adults. They don’t want their kids to make mistakes in relationships, finance and self care. However, unasked-for advice is generally not helpful. The person is more concerned about feeling put down or controlled, than whatever you want to say to them. And saying “I’m just trying to help” does not work. So instead, use PTSF: ask, “May I have your permission to speak freely?” If they say OK, give it. If not, just talk about something else. Now, if there is some major dangerous emergency, certainly go ahead. But if not, don’t.

Encourage other life sources besides yourself. Some young adults are on the other end of the spectrum. They have not emotionally, relationally or financially cut the cord, so to speak. They go to their parents to keep their self-regard regulated, be their best friend and supplement their income deficits. This is a type of dependency, and slows down the adulting process. So suggest to them to find other friends who will help them in these areas, and encourage autonomy and self-sufficiency. In serious cases, a parent may have to give the young adult less access to time and money, just to help them launch table score out more.

Don’t fragilize. No one wants to see their young adult struggle. But struggle is how we grow and are empowered. So don’t view them as fragile and easily-breakable people. Let them fail, learn lessons and find support. You can certainly be part of that support to an extent. But view them, and behave with them as they are: resilient and intelligent people who are finding their way.

I have so much respect for the current young adult generation. They have a number of things going on that we should be learning from. They are worth getting to know!

Best,

John

Coaches and Why You Need One

January 9, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Life has lots of demands and challenges. And it is very very difficult, if not impossible, to get life done well, without relational support. Through a great deal of neuroscience research, it’s been established how important it is to have a few supportive individuals to help us navigate family, relationships, self career and our careers. This is vital.

One particular kind of relationship which has unique value, is that of a coach. A coach is someone who has knowledge, experience and skills that we don’t have in some area of life, in either our personal or professional realms. It’s a broad term that includes more nuanced role differences such as mentors, counselors, advisors and directors.

You and I don’t know what we don’t know, to do life right. Nor do most of us have the time or capacity to know everything we need to know. For example, I love YouTube videos and podcasts, they give me great helpful information. But having a person who knows a lot, and can coach you through the situation, is irreplaceable. That second part is a big deal. A lot of people have great knowledge and skills, but they don’t understand the science of coaching, and take people through a successful growth process. There are principles and methods that have been proven to help people grow. At the Townsend Institute, for example, we provide an accredited online Masters degree or a certificate in coaching and consulting, because a person needs to know how to help an individual grow.

Research indicates that a coach will pay off 3-4 times what they cost, in terms of benefits. And there are lots of people who are available to help someone without charge, for example mature business people who want to help those just starting off, or older parents who are involved in a church ministry working with younger parents.

I always recommend a coach who works holistically as well. What this means is that the person deals with the personal as well as the “task” end of the process. The old stereotype of the coach who only deals with the plan just doesn’t work as well. For example, “Hi Beth, how did the homework assignment we worked out for you about your website go?” “Well, Coach Lydia, I didn’t get to it, bummer.” “OK, Beth, no problem, let’s try to make sure you get it done next time.” Compare that to “Sorry to hear that, Beth, you were really motivated and determined about this last session. Let’s dig into why you weren’t able to get it done; could have been discouragement, or not saying no to others’ requests for your time, or maybe some perfectionistic paralysis.”

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Life goes better with a coach. What area could you use one in this week?

Best,

John

Increasing Your Energy

December 13, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

The demands of reality require a certain amount of energy to pull them off. From working to family to relationships to hobbies, you get life done better with more energy, and it’s awful when we feel drained. But basically, all of us need more energy. Some just need to be topped off a little, while some find ourselves just barely dragging through the day. The only demographic that actually has too much energy is 3 year olds☺, and that doesn’t last forever. So here are some practical ideas to increase the amount of energy you have to feel good and not exhausted by the end of the day.

Get a physical every year. Many energy problems come from physical issues, such as hormone challenges and vitamin deficiencies. You can get all the sleep you need and still feel bad if your body has a condition.

Eat right, sleep right and work out. The research on these three lifestyle habits is more than overwhelming, it’s just simply facts. We feel better when we eat the right things and avoid the wrong things, sleep 7-8 hours a night, and work out several times a week. It’s hard to do it just by committing yourself. Instead, do these 2 things: (1) start recording these three on a tracking app, and (2) recruit a buddy, to keep each other on track and encouraged. These two simple moves can make a lifetime of difference.

Be in control of your “people time.” As I write about in my book People Fuel, who we spend time with can make a huge difference in our energy level. There are the “gains”, who are the people who are genuinely interested in you, who want a mutual relationship, who can be vulnerable, who are positive and who have their own interests and ambitions. Then there are the “drains”, who tend to be self-absorbed and chronically negative, or what psychologists call help-rejecting complainers. Spend as much time as you can with the “gains.” While you should be kind to the “drains”, don’t let them hijack your own time and energy.

Set boundaries for your day. You can’t determine every minute of our day, especially at work or as a parent. But you can make some choices. Make your calendar balanced. Input several breaks during the day. Get home from work at a decent hour.

Energy is precious, and it makes a huge difference in success and quality of life. Increase it and preserve it.

Best,

John

Get out of the Comparison Mentality

December 5, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

When is the last time you noticed another person’s situation, and found yourself comparing yours to theirs? It could be about their good fortune, like buying a new home or their kids getting into their chosen college. Then your thoughts can turn to how you’re a bit inferior, or behind the curve, or just unfortunate. On the other hand, it could be about the struggles of others, such as a financial loss or a divorce. In that direction, you can find yourself thinking that while you are sad for them, you have some level of relief that you are not going through that scenario.

It’s natural to compare yourself to others. We want to see how we stack up with them. But, what is natural for us is not always good for us. Here are some reasons why it will help you, to get out of the comparison mentality, and how to succeed in that.

You lose contentment. It’s pretty much impossible to be content and “OK” with your situation, when you compare. Think about it, when you evaluate yourself by others’ situations, you can only be as content as your ranking. If you determine that you have less “whatever” than most of your friends, you will rank yourself in the bottom half, which can lead to a lack of contentment, feelings of being one down, and even resentful. And even if you’re on the “top half” in some area, you must maintain that ranking to be OK. That is a pressure you do not want. So set yourself up with a mentality of growth and self-improvement that is about who you are, not about increasing your rankings.

You lose control. Comparisons take time, energy and focus away from what we can control, and put them in a place we can’t control. You always have some amount of control over your choices and decisions, and how you will live your day, week and year. You can be with someone you love, spend time with your kids, engage in your work, follow your passion, and find a purpose in life. All of these are worth your time, energy and focus. But you have zero control over other people’s choices. Influence, perhaps, but not control. Comparisons keep you with your nose to the window, so to speak, wishing you could have what the other has, and not investing instead in a good life for yourself. So put that finite time, energy and focus into what you can do something about.

You distance yourself from others. When we compare, healthy people are turned off. They don’t like to be around the envy, jealousy and resentment that a comparing person expresses. They want to talk about what you and they are actually doing, with no rankings and yardsticks about others. Notice how much of your conversations and thoughts in a day is about the fortunes of others, and if it’s a significant percentage, ratchet it back.

You have enough to do, to keep yourself busy and productive without comparisons. Work on being the best you that you can be.

Best,

John

Self Talk: Helping Your Internal Voice Be a Benefit to You

November 21, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We engage every day in other-talk, which is what happens at meetings, meals and over the phone. But we also have constant conversations in our head about our favorite subject, with is ourselves. Self-talk has to do with the evaluations and judgments we make of ourselves and our behavior, and sometimes the evaluations are pretty harsh. Sometimes the evaluations are so cruel that we are paralyzed from being transparent and real, or from taking the risks we need to take. Here are some tips to help your own self-talk be a benefit, and not a problem, for you.

Observe the observer. Our digital culture has made personal reflection harder to engage in. But pulling away from our schedule, or the next text or email, to think about what we are thinking, is one of the best things you can do for yourself, to solve problems and grow as a person. The technical word for this is metacognition, or thinking about thinking. Part of metacognition is developing the habit of mentally taking a step back from your activities, and observing your observer, that is, your self-talk.

For example, after a difficult conversation with your spouse, notice the nature of your self talk. Just reflect on how you are evaluating what you said. You might observe that you are thinking, I wasn’t kind, or I didn’t listen, or I didn’t speak up. This quick habit of simply observing your observer gives you more power over it, and a means to change it.

Question the accuracy. Ask yourself, is my self talk true about me or not? If it’s true, it’s working for you, and will help you to be a healthier and more successful person. But sometimes you need to ask others if, from their perspective, your self talk is telling the truth. Suppose after you give a presentation at work, your self talk is that I always disappoint people and I should live in a cave and eat worms, that probably needs to be reframed by someone who knows and likes you, such as I didn’t do my best at the presentation, but I learned some things to help me improve.

At end of day, have more positive than negative. Even though truthfulness trumps everything, you should still have more positive than negative self-evaluations by the end of the day. We just can’t tolerate the reverse. It discourages us and deflates our energy. Don’t make up things to say that aren’t real, but while you are being truthful about the screwups, also focus on your wins, even if they are small: I passed on dessert a third day in a row is at least something!

Develop a warm tone. Research has shown that our tone with others is more important than the words we say to them. The same is true with self talk. A harsh, judgmental, “what a loser” tone will simply not make you a better person. So, though you are honest with yourself, don’t condemn yourself. I’m a pretty good person and I have good values and motives, though I really blew it with my teenager, can help right-size your head.

Listen to what you’re doing in your internal conversation. You might be a bit dismayed about how mean you can be to yourself. Change the pattern. You’ll be glad you did.

Best,

John

Self Improvement: What, Why and How

November 15, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

All of us would like a good life, a better life, even a great life in different arenas: relationships, marriage, parenting, passions or purpose, for example. The best avenue to a better life is by engaging in self-improvement in what matters to you. Here are some tips about the What, Why and How of improving your life.

The What: Self-improvement is a well-known term that refers to a structured plan to be better in a significant area of life. That could mean in one’s self care, career, personal character growth, spirituality or relationships. It has a structure to it, as opposed to a more informal and organic desire to grow and change. The informal approach which can involve reading, conversations with interesting people and travel, for example. This approach can be helpful, but more often than not, it does not effectively move a person’s focus toward getting where they want to go. It’s a little like working out at the gym. The benefits from some sort of structure and plan will outweigh the path of going when we feel like it, or have the extra time.

The Why: Since self-improvement requires engagement, energy, time and other resources, you need to be clear on why it’s worth it. There are two fundamental reasons, being better and also not being worse. They encompass the motivators we sometimes call the carrot and the stick. In being better, self-improvement is worth the cost because we are on the way to having a higher quality of life. For example, taking a class in astronomy, hiring a coach, finding a therapist, or having a plan to read books and watch videos on starting a business, are all paths to doing something in the future that you currently are not able to. On the other hand, not being worse has to do with avoiding pain in our lives that is unnecessary. For example, health problems due to inactivity and poor diet, career disappointments, relational failures, depression, and substance use problems are outcomes you want to avoid. Both the desire to be better, and to avoid being worse, are legitimate motivators, though the first one should be a higher value.

The How: You will generally find the following necessary ingredients in beginning the practicalities of self improvement:

Information: Data, facts, research and skills are critical to success here. Be a lifelong learner in several areas of life. This can also include a coach, or guide or expert, who has their 10,000 hours of competence in the area you’re interested in.
Support: Research proves that the lone ranger approach is not as effective as having a few people who either are engaged with you in the process for their own benefit, or who are just friends who you ask to help keep tabs on you and encourage you. We are truly better together.
Structure and path: What we calendar and plan on, is much more likely to actually happen, than what we think we will do when we have time. We are so busy these days that most of the time, “when we have time” just doesn’t happen. Putting practice, lessons, workouts or whatever into the calendar increases your odds dramatically.
Monitoring: No self-improvement plan is as good as possible from the get-go. Every month or so, review the plan to see what’s working and what you can do better. You will be surprised at how some tweaks here and there will bring you to a higher level.

We are all “selves” and we are designed to “improve.” Make this part of your life.

Best,

John