Family

Have a Sane Christmas This Year

December 20, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Christmas is a wonderful holiday, with family, friends, faith and great times all rolled up together. But it’s more likely than not that you are feeling pressured to get it all done, whatever you have determined “it all” is. You may also remember last Christmas, when afterwards, you felt a bit burnt out and in need of recovery.

This Christmas doesn’t need to be that way! Here are some tips to help you have a Christmas this year where sanity rules.

Get away from it all for a few minutes, every day. The Christmas season is double duty: on top of family and job responsibilities, there are presents to buy and wrap, plus lots of events to attend. It’s literally a second full time job. So you must find at least 20 minutes in a row every day to stop, put the phone on silent, go into another room, or take a walk, but somehow give your brain a break and simply do some deep breathing, relaxing and reflecting on something positive: gratitude for something good that is happening, a relationship that means something to you, a good job you accomplished at work. Otherwise you’ll end your day feeling frazzled. That 20 minutes will make a huge difference.

Prune back 20%. We never never never get our entire “to do” list done for Christmas. Then we feel stressed. The problem is, the stress doesn’t come from not getting it all done. The stress comes from expecting too much of ourselves. So write out and prioritize what is truly important and what is just sort of urgent but in the end, not all that important. Then knock off 20% of what you planned to do. It will not be easy, but I promise you, freedom is on the other end of that pruning and you will start to feel lighter with a little time and money margin during the season.

Go for experiences more than things. Most of us have a lot of stuff. It’s rare that a tangible Christmas present will really transform your year. So give, and ask for, experiences: nights out, shows to see, hikes, mini-vacays, etc. One of my favorite experiences was another couple taking my wife and me to a store where they showed us how to make coffee mugs by hand. I have remembered that for years, while I’ve forgotten the great majority of tangibles I’ve received.

Pick who and how you spend your time with. At your gatherings and parties, don’t let crazy Uncle Bill dominate the event by controlling the conversation and making it about himself, or by just being rude. Don’t walk off in a huff from Uncle Bill, but be polite, spend about 2 minutes with him, then excuse yourself and walk over to where someone who is warm and interesting is. Plant yourself there. Have 2-3 conversations with people like that. It will really help. And Bill probably won’t even notice you weren’t around.

There is still time for sanity this year!!!! And Merry Christmas to you and yours.

John

Self Improvement: What, Why and How

November 15, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

All of us would like a good life, a better life, even a great life in different arenas: relationships, marriage, parenting, passions or purpose, for example. The best avenue to a better life is by engaging in self-improvement in what matters to you. Here are some tips about the What, Why and How of improving your life.

The What: Self-improvement is a well-known term that refers to a structured plan to be better in a significant area of life. That could mean in one’s self care, career, personal character growth, spirituality or relationships. It has a structure to it, as opposed to a more informal and organic desire to grow and change. The informal approach which can involve reading, conversations with interesting people and travel, for example. This approach can be helpful, but more often than not, it does not effectively move a person’s focus toward getting where they want to go. It’s a little like working out at the gym. The benefits from some sort of structure and plan will outweigh the path of going when we feel like it, or have the extra time.

The Why: Since self-improvement requires engagement, energy, time and other resources, you need to be clear on why it’s worth it. There are two fundamental reasons, being better and also not being worse. They encompass the motivators we sometimes call the carrot and the stick. In being better, self-improvement is worth the cost because we are on the way to having a higher quality of life. For example, taking a class in astronomy, hiring a coach, finding a therapist, or having a plan to read books and watch videos on starting a business, are all paths to doing something in the future that you currently are not able to. On the other hand, not being worse has to do with avoiding pain in our lives that is unnecessary. For example, health problems due to inactivity and poor diet, career disappointments, relational failures, depression, and substance use problems are outcomes you want to avoid. Both the desire to be better, and to avoid being worse, are legitimate motivators, though the first one should be a higher value.

The How: You will generally find the following necessary ingredients in beginning the practicalities of self improvement:

Information: Data, facts, research and skills are critical to success here. Be a lifelong learner in several areas of life. This can also include a coach, or guide or expert, who has their 10,000 hours of competence in the area you’re interested in.
Support: Research proves that the lone ranger approach is not as effective as having a few people who either are engaged with you in the process for their own benefit, or who are just friends who you ask to help keep tabs on you and encourage you. We are truly better together.
Structure and path: What we calendar and plan on, is much more likely to actually happen, than what we think we will do when we have time. We are so busy these days that most of the time, “when we have time” just doesn’t happen. Putting practice, lessons, workouts or whatever into the calendar increases your odds dramatically.
Monitoring: No self-improvement plan is as good as possible from the get-go. Every month or so, review the plan to see what’s working and what you can do better. You will be surprised at how some tweaks here and there will bring you to a higher level.

We are all “selves” and we are designed to “improve.” Make this part of your life.

Best,

John

Corrected Vision – by Dale Bacon

March 21, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

My grandfather had challenges with his vision. By the time he was in his early nineties (he lived to be 100), cataracts had formed on his eyes to the point that he could hardly see. He needed a HUGE magnifying glass to read the newspaper. His doctor encouraged him to get eye surgery to correct his vision. The day after the procedure, I observed him sitting at the kitchen table reading the smallest print he could find: the phone book.

Up until a few years ago, my father had challenges with his vision. From my earliest memory, I had never seen my father without his glasses. His doctor encouraged him to get laser surgery and today, when I see my dad, I see a different person than I did for most of my life. He doesn’t wear glasses anymore. His vision has been corrected.

Sometimes leaders have challenges with their “people vision.” Instead of seeing people as God sees them, we can start seeing people as immature, problematic, and frustrating. And we can be tempted to try to “fix” them with a one-size-fits-all solution.

The truth is, God has created each person unique. We cannot approach our employees or team with a one-size-fits-all solution because one size simply won’t fit. Accepting the truth that each person is unique is the first step to correcting your “people vision.”

The next step is to accept that God has placed them in your care. You are their guide. You are their encourager. You are their leader.

People can feel taxing. But God doesn’t look at them that way. He looks at them for what He has planned for them (life and growth). And He’s asking you to see them the same way.

Lead Well.

Dale Bacon

TLP Director

Quality Family Time in the Digital Age

March 19, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Family is the context in which we learn to love, connect, become ourselves, grow and recharge. But we can’t assume it’s a totally protected and safe place. We have to guard our homes against everything from toxic influences to time distractions. If your family includes kids, it’s even more important, because they need our help and advocacy. Our culture is well into the digital age now. It is here to stay, and I believe it’s overall a very good thing. At the same time, the digital age can bring in influences you don’t want, and it can certainly bring in time distractions. So here are some ideas to help you keep your family experiencing the quality time it needs, while still living in the reality of an online world.

Set clear “non-pixellated times”: A friend gave me this phrase, and I love it. The digital world is easily accessible 24/7 and will be for the rest of our lives. So don’t wait for things to change to preserve family health. Set time periods where there is no digital access, including online, mobile phones, tablets, etc. Hey, Bill and Melinda Gates did this with their kids www.independent.co.uk

Put intentional thought into what “quality time” means. It’s one thing to set limits on digital time. It’s another to fill that void with great conversations and activities. Don’t substitute this with TV, movies and video games. Neuroscience research has shown that these activities have some value to mental growth in terms of some information and learning, but a lot of use ends up being at best “empty calories” for your family (basically just marking time until they grow up and leave home) and at worst, creating passivity and a lack of initiative. So be the parent who researches and comes up with structured fun activities, interactions, conversations, excursions, games and service projects. Fill that void. Your kids need it, and it will be over sooner than you think.

Love is free, freedom is earned. Your kids need your love and emotional attunement to their experiences and feelings. That is a basic need and a requirement for good parenting. But their freedom to choose how they spend their time must be earned by their good behavior. Laptops, mobile phones, tablets, TV, and gaming are not a right. They are a privilege. So if your kids are responsible in life, especially in their use of digital time, let them have age-appropriate access. If they choose to overdo things and aren’t responsible, then they are sending you a signal saying, “Help! I’m not yet mature enough to manage all this, I’m overwhelmed, please step in and be the structure I need!” Well, they won’t say that to you, but it’s still a message of what they need.

I hope this helps. You can make a difference here. For more in-depth info on this subject, read Boundaries: Updated and Expanded Edition by myself and Dr. Henry Cloud (Zondervan Publishing, 2017). The book is a New York Times bestseller and includes a chapter about having great boundaries in the digital age. Best to you!

Strategies for Curing Entitled Attitudes

November 2, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

We see the word entitlement all over the media these days. It has to do with a combination of two attitudes:

(1) I need to be treated as special, and

(2) I am not responsible for the impact of my behavior on anyone.

And it comes out as selfishness, narcissism and a lack of empathy for others.

We tend to see celebrities, politicians and pro athletes in this light, but entitlement is something the entire human race deals with. It can damage a marriage, a dating relationship, a family, an organization or a church. So here are some action steps that can change things, either in yourself or someone in your life. These helps are from the just-released softcover edition of my book The Entitlement Cure.

Take a meaningful risk every week.

Though they don’t show it, entitled people are terribly afraid of trying new things. Underneath the attitude, they tend to have lots of vulnerability to shame and don’t want to be seen by others, or by themselves, as having flaws and screwups. So if the person you are concerned about is a 15-year old, have him do a new sport, try out for a part in a school play, or run for office. Support him but hold him accountable. Whether he succeeds or fails, he will become healthier, more confident and less entitled.

Keep inconvenient commitments.

When we blow off appointments and work deadlines because they don’t feel fun, we are showing a lack of empathy and concern for the feelings and situations of others. You are not being rigid to hold yourself and others accountable to do hard things that have been committed. It builds trust in others and decreases our natural self-absorption.

Say “I don’t know.”

Entitlement insists that the person be seen as having all the answers. What a boring lunch to be with someone who pontificates about all of his opinions and solutions! Just be real and humble and when you don’t know how to build a spaceship to Mars, say, “Musk may know how to do that, but I don’t know, let me research that.” People are drawn to humility and curiosity. They are turned off by lectures and uber-advice.

You’ll see changes quickly with these tips. They work. Be an Entitlement-Buster!

John Townsend, Ph.D.

Funerals Are Important – Here’s Why

October 19, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

Recently, our family was involved in the memorial services for Bobbi Braff, who was my wife Barbi’s mom. The funeral and reception were a very sad and yet a meaningful time, made more poignant by the fact that I also lost both of my parents last year.

With Barbi’s dad having passed on many years ago, she and I have now become the older generation for our family. We are starting to figure out how that plays out for us, and for those we love.

Having these recent firsthand experiences with deaths, I have learned a few things that have helped us a great deal, about not only the grief process but specifically the tradition of funerals. I hope they help when you are faced with these situations, too.

Funerals provide a structure for an ending.

Our brains don’t naturally gravitate toward losses of any kind, especially the death of someone we care about. Losses are painful and negative. So, we tend to avoid thinking about them or feeling what we need to feel. We would instead engage in something more positive. But neuroscience research shows us that when we don’t say a real goodbye, both intellectually and especially emotionally with our tears, it’s not good for us.

People who disengage from loss and avoid funerals often find that they don’t have closure with the relationship. They usually have trigger reactions down the line to something that reminds them of that person. They might also have conflicts with people who remind them of that person and struggle with energy, concentration, and mood issues. The clinical term for this is delayed bereavement. Funerals are an organized way to help you get through the loss and avoid delayed bereavement.

Funerals bring people together in a new way.

A memorial service combines friends, family, and colleagues to honor the person who is gone. It is meant to be a source of healthy and supportive relationships to support each others’ loss. More often than not, the service also reconnects people who haven’t been in touch for some time and renews the friendship. We had so many meaningful, sad, and funny conversations with so many people during Bobbi’s reception afterward. We are thankful that her passing brought so many of us together.

Funerals mix the sadness and the joy.

Grief requires that we honor and respect the good that the person brought to the world. But we are also to express how much we miss them. You need both emotions to get through the grieving process fully.

Stay away from the thinking, “We’re not having a funeral or a memorial service. It’s going to be a celebration service.” That is undoubtedly part of the purpose, but it prohibits people from feeling OK about saying authentically that they are sad and miss someone they care about deeply. Then they have nowhere to go with these emotions. So keep both elements in place whenever possible. It’s okay to celebrate and mourn at the same time!

Funerals are something we can do.

People feel helpless when there is a death, especially if that loss is unexpected. You can’t bring the person back. You can’t fix it or undo it, and helplessness is not a pleasant feeling. But you can attend a funeral, and go through the memories, songs, anecdotes by the family, video presentations, and prayers. You can go to the reception and reconnect. You can serve the family members, either by comforting them or by just saying “How are you doing?” or talking about sports if that is what they need for that time. But having something to do helps us all.

Funerals are not entertainment. But they are good, important, and necessary. You will be better off in engaging, whether it’s to help someone, or when you have lost someone yourself.