Family

Finding Balance When You’re a Career-Oriented Parent

August 31, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We were all designed to do two basic passions in life: have great relationships and engage in a meaningful job. Parenting is an example of the first, and career, an example of the second. However, most of us doing both find that there are lots of conflicts involved.

Kids don’t say, “Mom, I’ll do my homework and cook dinner tonight so you can work later.” And work doesn’t say, “Look, take off early and go to the soccer game, the partners meeting isn’t that big of a deal.” So we end up feeling somewhat frazzled and frustrated, with the sense that we might not be doing either of these all that well.

Here are some tips that can help.

4 Tips for Finding Balance When You’re a Career-Oriented Parent

Tip #1: Parenting trumps work. This is just a core value. There is no way around this if you understand the developmental needs of children. A child’s neurological design is to have two parents who love them, help them trust, feel safe, provide structure for them and help them develop their identities and interests. They are more vulnerable than the companies that we work for. They need parents. They didn’t choose to exist, we made choices to raise them. This isn’t about any sort of guilt message at all, but at the end of the day, a secure and well-functioning child is a lot more important than a career.

Tip #2: Age makes a difference. Having said that, I have seen many people actually do it all, and do it all well. They are great parents, and they have meaningful careers. One of the things to remember here is that in general, the older the child, the less time needed to parent. As any parent knows, there is a big difference in the time involved to do the right job with a 2-year-old who is home all day, as opposed to a 12-year-old, who has school and sports afterward. So it does get easier to spend more time on a career, as time moves on.

Tip #3: Do what only you can do. Make sure you are putting the highest quality “parent time” in with your child. There are functions that simply just belong to you alone, and functions that you can share or outsource with others. Here is the principle: relational time is more important than functional time. Relational time has to do with having the child talk about their day, activities, friends, wins and losses. It is about affection, wrestling, coloring and playing with toys. Functional time has to do with the task aspects of parenting: rides to school, doing laundry and chores. Functional is necessary, but it is not as necessary that the parent do it. So share those tasks with friends, neighbors and other family members, as much as possible. You are the only eyeball-to-eyeball parents your child has.

Tip #4: Share parenting with the other parent. Great parents pitch in with each other. Share bedtime, homework, play time, etc. Make it equitable. Dads need to cook and clean up. Moms need to be engaged in sports. Everyone should do everything. You’ll need a calendar in the kitchen to stay organized, but this works! If you need some additional support in this area, please read my post that includes a few tips for healthy parenting.

You can have it all, as long as you understand that you can’t have it all as much as you may have originally thought. Live in reality, budget your time, be disciplined and put the child first. Best to you!

4 Must-Haves for a Healthy Marriage

July 30, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Barbi and I just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. She is a wonderful wife, mother, and partner. We make a great team and she is my gift from God.

Our recent anniversary led me to reflect on what makes a healthy marriage. I want to now share some of the lessons I’ve learned about maintaining a healthy relationship in three decades, not only as a husband but as a marital counselor as well.

What Does Marriage Really Mean?

While simple on paper, the concept of marriage is actually a complex construct. Two people agree to have a relationship, they fall in love with each other, and decide to commit to a life together before God. There’s a ceremony to affirm that commitment where your friends and family are present.

At the same time, marriage is a legally binding contract. The reason states require a marriage license is because you’re entering into a business agreement with another person. It’s just a fact of the relationship. Marriage is not just a commitment of love, but a mixing of financial and spiritual resources.

Is marriage always a passionate romance? Unfortunately, no.

More often than not, it’s the comfort of doing laundry or cooking dinner with your partner. It’s catching up on your favorite TV shows and attending church together. It’s watching your kids grow up and become successful adults with children of their own. It’s the simple parts of day-to-day life where you come to see your partner as more than a spouse, but a best friend offering unconditional love, warmth, truth, and grace.

So, what does marriage really mean? It’s about finding balance and support.

If you want to get better at managing disagreements in your relationship, I have some tips for having productive difficult conversations in the video portal.

4 Must-Haves for a Healthy Marriage

No matter how long you’ve been married, you can always learn a new skill to better your relationship with your spouse.

1. 1. Faithfulness. This is a no-brainer without a doubt. First and foremost, you must say to yourself, “I will be faithful to my spouse emotionally, sexually and spiritually.” When you focus on faithfulness, you’ve made sure that God is in the center of the picture of your marriage. Now, you have the architecture for a really strong marriage because both people are on the same page.
  2. Establish and maintain boundaries. Boundaries are basically a property line. When you understand what they’re meant to do and the way God designed boundaries to work, you can see how they would fit very well in marriage. Boundaries let us know what we are responsible for in our lives. They define what we’re responsible to protect and grow in a relationship, and what we are not. In marriage, you need boundaries. When boundaries aren’t clearly set, it leads to unnecessary strife and conflict because you aren’t sure who is “responsible” for what and that is difficult. Boundaries in marriage are not about fixing or changing your mate.
  3. Fight Fair. Anyone who has been married for any amount of time understands – conflict will happen. You’re not going to agree on everything. It’s just not reality. Conflict is stressful, especially in a marriage, because it makes us anxious. But, the good news is that freedom and responsibility are the nutrients of a healthy marriage, including the freedom to disagree. When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love.
  4. Provide Warmth and Safety. Believe it or not, providing warmth and safety is the main component of a healthy marriage. This means supporting your partner, no matter what. This means you are an advocate for them, even in times of conflict. Take a moment and reflect – “Can my spouse come to me and be open and vulnerable about their feelings without fear of any backlash?” If the answer is no, start working on this now! Showing your spouse unconditional love and grace is what will help sustain your relationship during tough times like losing a parent or a job.
In general, I am “pro-marriage.” I think it is one of the greatest gifts God can give anybody when both participants are actively working together as a team. I will always tell people to look at the four core competencies above to work on having an even more amazing marriage!

4 Components of Good Character

July 23, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

“It builds character.”

You’ve surely heard the phrase at least once in your life. Generally, that statement is said to a person after something negative has happened in their lives that they must now overcome. So, by now, you’ve probably heard it at least once.

Look, life is tough. It just is. I understand the struggles surrounding getting older, becoming parents and grandparents, upsizing, downsizing, illness, career transitions, grief – this list goes on and on. How you handle the ups and downs of life makes all the difference and can indeed build character.

What Exactly Is “Character?”

Admittedly, the definition of “character” is somewhat abstract.

I define it as having a set of abilities required to meet the demands of reality. Most of the time, we are not really in control of what’s happening around us. That’s okay. It’s part of God’s plan for us.

As you know, life has many requirements to function. As you get older, it goes from making the bed and tying your shoelaces to finding your life’s passion, marrying the right person, having a family, and eventually retiring to enjoy your golden years. All of that “stuff” requires character because none of it is easy at the outset.

To make life work, you must focus on character growth first, and not just the results you want in the end.

Why Is Character Growth Important?

There are two main reasons character growth is so critical to all aspects of your life.

First, everything starts with who you are on the inside. Who you are shapes how you behave. How you behave then becomes how you relate and how you relate becomes how you succeed.

So, it starts with the inside and works outward. We all want great relationships. Character growth allows how we are on the inside to create the warmth that radiates around us.

Secondly, character is important because life has lots of demands. They can be simple or they can be as complicated. Either way, life is demanding and your character shapes how you approach and handle these situations.

The Four Components of Good Character

Now, I’m going to break down the four components of good character. These will make all the difference for having a successful life.

1. Attachment: Attachment is the ability to trust and be vulnerable, to be able to open up to people and create a support network. These could be people who end up on your life team. You also understand that not everyone is safe or meant to be a part of that. Attachment means finding the right people to provide the nutrients you need for growth. Read about how to create your life team here.
2. Separation: Separation means the ability to have your own voice, make your own choices, and to be a free person. Because some people are very attached, they have relationships, but they feel guilty about speaking up and about disagreeing and confronting. This means they don’t have good boundaries. Separation and attachment need to balance each other out as you work on your character.
3. Integration: Integration means there are two kinds of realities in our life: There’s the positive realities of my strengths, good people, good experiences, and great mission in life. But, there are also negative realities, like my own brokenness, my own failure, my own losses, my own pains, how other people let me down, and how I’ve let other people down. Integration means I can live with the positives very well and I can embrace the negatives at the same time.
4. Maturity: Maturity means I am confident in who I am and I know why I’m here. Maybe you’ve raised a great family and have a wonderful career. Maybe you’ve learned to walk away from negative relationships. Maturity also means being able to take everyone’s needs into consideration when making important decisions, including your own.

So, what now? In your own life, start identifying those four character growth components and see where you have room for growth.

Life will not work until we have the character to make it work.

Opioids: How to Help Someone Battling Addiction

July 20, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We are seeing a great deal on the news about the opioid crisis in the U.S. and in the world these days.

Opioids are pain-relieving substances which exist in prescription form (oxycodone, hydrocodone, codeine and morphine), in synthetics (fentanyl) and in illegal forms (heroin). I simply cannot overemphasize how incredibly hyper-addictive opioids can be. The Mayo Clinic puts it as clearly and directly as it can be put: “Anyone who takes opioids is at risk of developing addiction.”

On a personal note, my nephew recently died from opioid addiction. He was a young man with a bright future ahead of him, and we all cared deeply for him. Knowing firsthand what our family experienced, you would not wish this sort of tragedy on your worst enemy. The family will be dealing with the impact of opioids in his life, for many years.

Opioid addiction creates a devastating wake, including death (115 people in the US per day), health issues, long-term debilitation, family fragmentation and job losses. Recent research by Blue Cross, which insures a third of the U.S. population, is indicating a decline in opioid addiction by its members. That is an encouraging sign.

At the same time, a crisis that is declining is still a crisis.

This is no time for any of us to become disengaged or complacent.

So, here are some tips to help someone you care about or even yourself.

Educate yourself. Knowledge is power. It will help you to understand the main realities of opioid addiction on several levels: how the chemicals work in the brain; the nature of the addiction process; how to identify it in someone; what treatments are available; helping the family, and the legal and political aspects. The information will help you to think clearly and know better how to act when you are faced with any aspect of addiction.
If you see it, say it. Far too many people don’t want to rock the boat with someone they suspect of using. Sometimes they don’t want to upset the relationship, sometimes they doubt their own gut and observations, and sometimes it just isn’t a priority. But the harm of saying something and being wrong about it is far less than the danger of not saying anything and being wrong about that. You aren’t judging or condemning anyone to tell them what you are observing in their behavior and patterns, and you are speaking from love and concern.
Address the national conversation. There is no way that the opioid crisis will be resolved only by finding good treatments. We need a larger conversation by advocates to work on a legal and financial level, to deal with matters such as availability and sourcing. Ask your local congressperson what they are doing, and how you can engage.

In the end, it is all about taking action.

By the way, I would like for my nephew’s story to be accompanied by his name, to make it more personal and real. His name is Adam.

School Shootings: How You Can Think and Act About Them

July 13, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Some of the most heartbreaking and disturbing feelings you can experience are in the aftermath of the tragedy of a school shooting.

It is something we were not designed to handle, as the depth of the loss is intense. The feelings we have tend to be a combination of horror, sadness, anger and being overwhelmed.

We are horrified by knowing kids, our most vulnerable population, are being killed. Our sadness is a reflection of our compassion for these children and their families, in which life has been marked forever. Anger comes against the murderer, creating a desire for justice. And the overwhelmed part is because there is so much division in our country about what can solve this.

There are some ways to think about this controversial issue, and some things we can do, that will help. Here are some tips:

Get clear.

Neuroscience teaches us that our minds do not do well in an overwhelmed state. When we see a video of a shooting and then feel the emotions I described, our brains go into the amygdala mode, which is our reactive, fight-or-flight mode. The strength of these strong and conflicting emotions can, over time, keep us upset, feeling paralyzed, and not being able to let this go and deal with our normal lives.

This is no solution for how to solve the issue, nor is it one what is good for your personal life either. So get clear: make sure you are talking to safe people in your life who can really hear how much emotion you feel. You don’t want to be alone with those feelings.

Also, study the issue, don’t ignore it. Ignorance adds to the confusion, and information clarifies. Figure out which of the experts and solutions make sense to you. Take a stance, even though it isn’t perfect. You will simplify your mind’s clarity and be able to handle what you think about the situation.

Think in terms of balance.

We need to deal with the symptom of the problem, which is that, in the current environment, our schools need systems for protection and security. And we need to deal with the causes as well. There are several causes that are being investigated, with mental illness, gun control, and criminal behavior being some of the most discussed ones.

An approach that only addresses the symptoms is bound to ultimately fail, as is the cause-focused approach as well. If a doctor has a patient with a raging fever, she will certainly give him something for his discomfort, but she will also examine him for a bacterial, viral, or other cause, to solve the underlying problem.

Don’t be the hand-wringer. Be a solver.

Unfortunately, we tend to move into “it’s all going to hell in a handbasket” conversations when we see the horror and devastation of these school shooting tragedies. We certainly all need time and conversations to process this, in order to digest the data in our brains.

But, once you have done that, stay away from those conversations that don’t go anywhere after a while, except into helplessness and bitterness. They aren’t good for you or the schools.

I was at a dinner of friends recently where a few people got into the topic, and it was going nowhere except into more unproductive, helpless and angry feelings. Then, one of the people in the group said, “We’ve talked about this a lot, and it’s important. Can we either come up with our ideas for solutions or change the subject?” The result was that several people had some good ideas, and it became a more helpful conversation.

Our kids and our schools deserve the most thoughtful solutions possible. We need to all look for answers.

Here Are 3 Tips for Healthy Parenting

July 9, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

No doubt about it – parenting is a vast undertaking! I have two sons of my own. Trust me, I know that raising a child can be a tough but rewarding journey with a lot of responsibility. No matter how prepared you feel before your kid is born, you quickly learn that you have a lot to learn! Good thing making mistakes are a natural part of life!

Being a parent is very complicated because you have to raise this little person who is in your controlled home environment for 18 years. After that, they emerge as an adult and are hopefully ready to take on the world.

Part of being a healthy parent is learning to deal with failure. You can read more about how to work through it on one of my previous blog posts.

There is a lot of pressure put on parents to be perfect. This might be pressure you feel from other parents, or even yourself depending on the situation. It’s impossible to be a perfect parent! You can be a healthy parent, though.

So, what does great parenting look like?

Your job as a parent is to teach your child what it means to be someone who can handle the demands of reality, including finding their passion, having great relationships, and learning how to navigate the ups and downs that come with living.

Is there really a “wrong way” to parent?

I’m sure many of you are hoping that the answer is no – there is no “wrong way” to parent. Sorry – that’s not the case here! Unfortunately, there are some ways people approach child-rearing that doesn’t really work.

When you don’t give your child unconditional warmth (love) or structure, you’re setting yourself up for a dysfunctional relationship down the road. To be a successful adult, a child needs to have a steady relationship based on trust, and know that they are living in a home where they are loved and accepted no matter what.

Believe it or not, if you don’t implement structure or rules in your home, you could be unintentionally creating a culture of entitlement, which you definitely do not want. Who wants to raise a child who feels like the world owes them something?

In my book, “The Entitlement Cure,” I talk about how I raised my own children with warmth and structure. Here’s an excerpt:

“I had told our kids in a thousand ways, ‘as you go through life with us, you will need a lot of things. You’ll get what you need — things like love, food, shelter, safety, values, structure, faith, opportunity, and an education. We are committed to seeing that you get what you need. But we also want you to know that you really don’t deserve anything. You can’t demand a toy, a phone, a laptop, or a car. That attitude won’t work with us. Need, yes; deserve, not so much.’”

As a parent, your ultimate goal should be for your child to be autonomous from you, especially financially. If you don’t have structure or warmth, you could be setting yourself up for having to continue parenting long after your child leaves the nest. For example, if you have too much structure, your child may take that as a sign that everything they do in life must adhere to strict standards. That’s not healthy. Again, no one is perfect.

3 Tips for Healthy Parenting

Now that we’ve talked a little bit about the wrong way to parent, let’s focus on a few ways to do parenting right. If these suggestions are new to you, do not fret – you aren’t alone! It seems to me that all parents are making it up as they go along, and most of us are just trying to do our best. You aren’t perfect and that’s okay!

Here are three tips for a healthy parent-child relationship that I’ve learned by raising my own kids and coaching thousands of other parents on healthy parenting.

Marry warmth and structure with warmth being dominant. While you need a healthy balance between warmth and structure, warmth has to take a dominant role. A child has to know that, no matter what, you’re for them and love them. Warmth is a number one priority, with the structure being a close second. Integrate and balance them. But, remember warmth first.
Keep the future in mind. We’ve already established that no parent, no matter how hard you try, is going to be perfect. You’re going to make mistakes and that’s okay. It’s part of the job. It’s about how what you do now is going to impact what he or she does when they are an adult. It’s always about the future, so don’t just try to solve the crisis at hand. Pick your battles wisely.
Commit yourself. Everyone has a unique experience growing up. The best thing you can do is reflect on your own upbringing and commit to being a better parent than you had.

You’re still going to make mistakes because parenting is a messy process. That’s okay! Remember to be intentional with your parenting. Be warm. Provide structure and unconditional support.