Leadership

Patience is a Better Friend than a Foe

February 8, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

It is just hard, hard, hard to be patient. It’s so easy to be frustrated and even jump the gun on situations that involve time, and ending up making poor decisions. But learning to be competent in the skill of patience is a secret that people who accomplish great things in life know well.

All of us want the same things, in general, in life: great relationships and families, a meaningful job, enough money to make our way, good health, self-improvement and a way to give back to the world. And each of these endeavors requires a certain amount of planning, resource, support and time, for them to work. Patience is about handling the time element.

We can’t ignore or rush time. It is just too important. We have to adapt to it, and not oppose it, to get what we want.

Time is the process of events that makes it all happen well:

It takes time to cook a great meal. The oven’s heat mashes all the ingredients together in the oven, and in a while, a great meal comes out.
It takes time to go on a fitness plan and then see results.
It takes time to create a project at work, and then launch it, hoping it will bear fruit.
It takes time to find the right relationship, and then develop it in a healthy way.

And for most of what matters to us, there is no shortcut, no “microwave” to any of these. If there was, we would probably have discovered them by now.

Patience is simply the act of mentally making friends with time. That is, not fighting the process, not ignoring it, and not rushing it. But adapting to time’s requirements while being happy about it. Here are some tips to help when you find yourself frustrated by time:

Determine how important your desired outcome actually is to you. Sometimes we get bent out of shape about a desire that’s really not worth that kind of mental expenditure. It’s one thing to learn to be patient about seeing if your work project will bring results in time. It’s another to see if Netflix will continue a show you like for another season. Just consider the value of what you’re working on.

Establish as much planning and control as possible on the outcome you desire. It’s one thing to be impatient with ourselves in getting in shape, or finding a relationship, when we haven’t taken some risks and made some effort. We should actually be a bit impatient with our passivity, solve that problem first, and get moving. But when we have done the work of planning and controlling whatever we can in the goal, just the knowledge that we have done our part can help us be more patient.

Have your “internal thinker” help your “internal feeler.” Our brains have both rational and emotional parts to them. Frustration with how long something takes is a feeling, not a thought. When you find yourself frustrated, just remind yourself on a thinking level, that you have a plan and a hope, and that your efforts and your patience will hopefully be worth it all. That can often increase patience, and decrease impatience.

Engage in something else that’s current. Nothing makes us crazier than obsessing on the plan, or the person, or what results aren’t happening now. When our mental energy is focused primarily on the future outcome we want, instead of what’s happening today, it can lead to feelings of powerlessness and lack of contentment. So return to the “now” in your life: the activities and conversations that bring you joy and are productive for you. Sometimes it helps to find things that have an instant result as well: a conversation with a positive person, a walk outside or tv show you enjoy.

Vent to a safe person. We are more likely to be impatient when we don’t share our frustrations with others. It is a kind of isolation, and isolation never helps anything. A brief conversation with someone who “gets you”, even if they can’t help you speed things up, will strengthen your patience.

Nothing that truly matters is instant. And everything that matters requires time. Learn patience, and the passage of time waiting for results, will be your friend, not your foe.

Best,

John

Coaches and Why You Need One

January 9, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Life has lots of demands and challenges. And it is very very difficult, if not impossible, to get life done well, without relational support. Through a great deal of neuroscience research, it’s been established how important it is to have a few supportive individuals to help us navigate family, relationships, self career and our careers. This is vital.

One particular kind of relationship which has unique value, is that of a coach. A coach is someone who has knowledge, experience and skills that we don’t have in some area of life, in either our personal or professional realms. It’s a broad term that includes more nuanced role differences such as mentors, counselors, advisors and directors.

You and I don’t know what we don’t know, to do life right. Nor do most of us have the time or capacity to know everything we need to know. For example, I love YouTube videos and podcasts, they give me great helpful information. But having a person who knows a lot, and can coach you through the situation, is irreplaceable. That second part is a big deal. A lot of people have great knowledge and skills, but they don’t understand the science of coaching, and take people through a successful growth process. There are principles and methods that have been proven to help people grow. At the Townsend Institute, for example, we provide an accredited online Masters degree or a certificate in coaching and consulting, because a person needs to know how to help an individual grow.

Research indicates that a coach will pay off 3-4 times what they cost, in terms of benefits. And there are lots of people who are available to help someone without charge, for example mature business people who want to help those just starting off, or older parents who are involved in a church ministry working with younger parents.

I always recommend a coach who works holistically as well. What this means is that the person deals with the personal as well as the “task” end of the process. The old stereotype of the coach who only deals with the plan just doesn’t work as well. For example, “Hi Beth, how did the homework assignment we worked out for you about your website go?” “Well, Coach Lydia, I didn’t get to it, bummer.” “OK, Beth, no problem, let’s try to make sure you get it done next time.” Compare that to “Sorry to hear that, Beth, you were really motivated and determined about this last session. Let’s dig into why you weren’t able to get it done; could have been discouragement, or not saying no to others’ requests for your time, or maybe some perfectionistic paralysis.”

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Life goes better with a coach. What area could you use one in this week?

Best,

John

Self Improvement: What, Why and How

November 15, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

All of us would like a good life, a better life, even a great life in different arenas: relationships, marriage, parenting, passions or purpose, for example. The best avenue to a better life is by engaging in self-improvement in what matters to you. Here are some tips about the What, Why and How of improving your life.

The What: Self-improvement is a well-known term that refers to a structured plan to be better in a significant area of life. That could mean in one’s self care, career, personal character growth, spirituality or relationships. It has a structure to it, as opposed to a more informal and organic desire to grow and change. The informal approach which can involve reading, conversations with interesting people and travel, for example. This approach can be helpful, but more often than not, it does not effectively move a person’s focus toward getting where they want to go. It’s a little like working out at the gym. The benefits from some sort of structure and plan will outweigh the path of going when we feel like it, or have the extra time.

The Why: Since self-improvement requires engagement, energy, time and other resources, you need to be clear on why it’s worth it. There are two fundamental reasons, being better and also not being worse. They encompass the motivators we sometimes call the carrot and the stick. In being better, self-improvement is worth the cost because we are on the way to having a higher quality of life. For example, taking a class in astronomy, hiring a coach, finding a therapist, or having a plan to read books and watch videos on starting a business, are all paths to doing something in the future that you currently are not able to. On the other hand, not being worse has to do with avoiding pain in our lives that is unnecessary. For example, health problems due to inactivity and poor diet, career disappointments, relational failures, depression, and substance use problems are outcomes you want to avoid. Both the desire to be better, and to avoid being worse, are legitimate motivators, though the first one should be a higher value.

The How: You will generally find the following necessary ingredients in beginning the practicalities of self improvement:

Information: Data, facts, research and skills are critical to success here. Be a lifelong learner in several areas of life. This can also include a coach, or guide or expert, who has their 10,000 hours of competence in the area you’re interested in.
Support: Research proves that the lone ranger approach is not as effective as having a few people who either are engaged with you in the process for their own benefit, or who are just friends who you ask to help keep tabs on you and encourage you. We are truly better together.
Structure and path: What we calendar and plan on, is much more likely to actually happen, than what we think we will do when we have time. We are so busy these days that most of the time, “when we have time” just doesn’t happen. Putting practice, lessons, workouts or whatever into the calendar increases your odds dramatically.
Monitoring: No self-improvement plan is as good as possible from the get-go. Every month or so, review the plan to see what’s working and what you can do better. You will be surprised at how some tweaks here and there will bring you to a higher level.

We are all “selves” and we are designed to “improve.” Make this part of your life.

Best,

John

Clarity: The Capacity to Perceive the Important

October 11, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We’ve all had “ah-ha” experiences in life, and hopefully we have more than less of them, because they are very helpful in life, relationships, and leadership. Sometimes this can be called insight, or the lights came on, or even it all came together. All of these terms describe clarity. Simply put, clarity is the capacity to perceive the important.

When you find yourself frustrated in trying to communicate to another about how things are going in your life, and realize they are more engaged in their own world than they are yours, that is clarity: I’m working too hard to express myself here! Or when you are getting to work early in the morning leaving late in the evening, and realize you need to work smarter instead of harder, that is clarity: I have to come at this from another angle!

The opposite of clarity is obscurity. Think of when your car windshield is dirty from the weather. You can’t see what’s out there, and the outside view is fuzzy. When we fail to engage in clarity, our choices and relationships don’t go right, and we don’t get to our goals and passions.

Fortunately, clarity is a skill that can be learned and used practically. When you practice the following tips, it will save you lots of time, energy and resource.

Know what you want. You can’t figure out your route unless you know your
destination. If someone came to you with their Google Maps app open, and said, “How do I get there? I need clarity”, you would say, “Get where? To Des Moines, or to New Zealand, or to a great Chinese restaurant?” Don’t be hesitant to say what you want. Maybe you want your organization to be more efficient, or for your team to collaborate better. Maybe you want to solve a parenting problem that won’t go away. State it, and write it down for yourself.

Ask “why” before “how.” How is important, but it must always follow why. We are a quick-fix culture, and it’s not paying off for us. We often give in to band aid fixes (the how) and not permanent solutions at a core level (the why). I was working with two business partners who wanted to make decisions with less conflict. They started the conversation with, “we need 3 steps to better decisionmaking.” They had their laptops ready to take notes. I said, “Great, then let’s talk about why you have problems making decisions.” They were a little frustrated because they wanted quick answers, liked “active listening”, be rational” and “make a plan.” But I have done this enough that I knew if we didn’t find out why they clashed, those three answers would be useless. We got to the why, and things ended up well.

Be open to new and negative. Our brains tend to go in paths we are used to. We just stay in our comfort zones. An engineer friend of mine once told me that there are 2 rules of engineering: First, if something doesn’t work, use a hammer. Second, if it still doesn’t work, use a bigger hammer (apologies to all my engineer friends). Instead, get onto your whiteboard or a large sheet of paper, maybe with a team, and get outside of the box. Just brainstorm ideas, especially that involve bad news, which isn’t comfortable. But you might find clarity in that uncomfortable or negative place. It might be messy. It might involve effort. But who cares? This is actually the core of all creative inventiveness.

Look at yourself (ouch). Finally, people who use clarity are brave enough to face their own shame and self-judgment and say, “Could the problem be me?” In fact, the most successful people I work with start with this one. It’s the best first step. Remember: if one person tells you that you are a horse, tell them they need to be on meds. But if seven people tell you that you are a horse, go buy a saddle. Take the beam out of your eye and things will clear up.

Clarity will open you up to new answers and new opportunities. Spray that
ammonia solution on the windshield of your brain! It will be worth it.

Best,

John

Transparency: John Townsend, Ph.D.

September 30, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Transparency, whether it’s personal or in an organization, is a key part of how relationships, groups and organizations thrive and succeed. A relationship that is transparent inspires trust, care, motivation and the ability to succeed and solve challenges together. A relationship that is limited in transparency tends to discourage, isolate and de-motivate people.

Transparency is a combination of three aspects: openness, messaging and ownership. When these are in place, health enters the system and good things happen. Here is how it works:

Openness. Openness means keeping needed information in the light, as opposed to hiding it in darkness. The Enron scandal is an example of a lack of openness, with devastating results. On a personal level, openness may mean bringing a mistake you made, to people who are important to you. When you are open, you think about who deserves to have information at some appropriate level. It could be information about finances, performance problems or some personal situation, depending on what is warranted. Openness is also usually about negative realities. It’s easy to be open about the touchdowns, but it takes character and courage to be open about the failures. But think more about the well-being of those who need the info, than you do about your own comfort and convenience. That mentality will be a game-changer for you.

Messaging. This means taking initiative and intentionality to get the information to the right people. It is not their job to search out the facts, that is not transparency. You don’t cache it in a hard drive, or on the last tab on your website. You deliver what is needed to those who matter. Meet with them. Call them up. Email them. Text them. But take the initiative to message. This builds trust, and repairs distrust.

Ownership. Transparency does not end with bringing the appropriate reality to the appropriate people. It also requires a commitment, a commitment to act on the facts and do the right thing. If the situation involves something that requires you to improve matters, take a healthy step. If you need to authentically apologize, do it. Ownership is the opposite of blame-shifting. It is blame-taking. Whatever the realities are, take ownership of your part, and execute your best next behavior. In a world of disconnects between saying and doing, be willing to do something to make things better. You may not be responsible for the entire problem, but you can help in improving matters in your own space.

Transparency is rarely enjoyable. But in the long run, it always pays off exponentially. Be that person, for those who matter to you, for your organization, and for yourself.

Best,

John

People Fuel, Part 3: The Seven “C’s” of Relationships

September 17, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

How is your “People Picker?” We all choose individuals to be around us, and most of them are pretty good finds. But it’s easy to also get a bit out of balance, and have a lot more “drain” conversations than “gain” conversations. This can lead to fatigue and burnout, and then everyone gets drained.

In my new book People Fuel, I present a model of the different types of relationships, the Seven “C’s”, that will help you be a bit more intentional and clear about knowing how to spend your time. Here is a summary of those “C’s”, ranked from highest to lowest resource for you:

Coaches: Those individuals with whom we engage, to mentor, develop, guide and direct us. A coach can be paid or pro bono. Coaches have 3 qualities: (1) they are subject matter experts of in some area of your interest: leadership, parenting, emotional health, spiritual growth, or physical training for example; (2) they know how to coach. There is a science of coaching, and they know the theory and steps of taking a person from point A to point B. The Townsend Institute, for example, trains students in getting a Masters or a credential in Coaching (townsendinstitute.com); and (3) they have no personal need for you
to be a mutual friend or buddy. That’s fine, but they make the time “all about you.”
Comrades: Your Life Team. Those 3-10 individuals who know it all about you, accept you fully, but also tell you the truths you need to hear. Comrades are also fully involved in their own growth, and are vulnerable with you, as they want help from you as well, in mutual improvement. Comrades can be in a group, or individuals, or some hybrid.
Casuals: Those friends and neighbors you have who are just good, positive people. Maybe your kids are on the same soccer teams, or you like the same music events. Casuals help us experience being in the moment and enjoying life with someone. They are also a “farm team” as potential Life Team members.
Colleagues: We spend a great deal of time working, and it’s important to work with the right people. You don’t always have a say in those with whom you work. But as much as possible, work with those who are (1) truly competent; (2) relationally oriented; and (3) work well on teams. This can make your work life an energy-producing experience.
Care: Those individuals who are without something they need, and which you have the capacity to supply to them. This can range from helping mentor a young business person to supporting young parents to digging wells in a developing country. Our Care relationships help us make the world a better place, and also they release oxytocin in us, the hormone that lifts our spirits, reinforcing us to repeat those behaviors again. We always need to be giving back in life, that’s a large part of what a healthy life is about. But we also need to be aware that we may be spending too much time and energy in too many Care relationships as well.
Chronics: Sometimes called the “bless their heart” individuals. Chronics are not bad people, they are often very good people. They do have long term patterns of having lots of problems that rarely go away: job, financial, emotional, family and relationship struggles, for example. That is not a problem in and of itself, as we all have our challenges. But Chronics also have what I call a flat learning curve, that is, they don’t learn much from their experiences, nor do they apply all the advice you give them, time after time. They want to spend time with you, but more because you are a caring and supportive person, less because they want to apply your advice. You can spend enormous time and meetings trying to help Chronics, and just not see change.
Contaminants: We are all imperfect, but Contaminants are at another level. They have bad motives. They tend to be envious, and desire to divide and damage others. They can attack your business, your church, your marriage, your family, or your own soul. When you have clear evidence that you are dealing with a Contaminant, you must warn them of their behavior, and then create safety and distance from them.

When I take leaders and families through these categories, the first thing they usually say is “Hey, I’m bottom heavy!” In other words, they become aware that they have too many Care, Chronic and Contaminant relationships, and not enough Coaches, Comrades and Casuals in their lives. This imbalance can lead to significant losses of energy and positivity.

The answer is to right-size matters. First build up the Coaches and Comrades, then begin pruning back the lower categories. I spell out exactly how to do this in the book, in a reasonable and respectful way.

You will be amazed at how things go better for you!

Best,

John