Leadership

A trait I find in very successful people is that they regularly say what they want. They make it simple, and, more often than not, they get what they ask for.

The “want list” can be anything, including:

• The results you want your employees to deliver
• A meeting with someone you don’t know well but would like to
• A better price on a product or service
• Where you’d like to vacation next year
• The purpose of a team meeting
• What you want to do on date night
• The desired behavior you’d like to see from your kids, spouse, date or friend

On the other end, I find that people who struggle in being successful, also have difficult in saying what they want. There are lots of reasons for this, such as not wanting to seem selfish or uncaring; not wanting to put people to a lot of trouble; or not wanting to alienate others.

All of these obstacles point to a single issue: the belief that my wanting something is a win-lose transaction. If I get what I want, someone has to lose. I’ll get the better business deal but the other person will resent me. I’ll tell my kids I insist that they clean up their room, but they’ll escalate. I’ll ask for the results from my employees, but they will think I’m demanding.

While this does happen sometimes, if you try to spend your time with reasonable people, no one really minds. In fact, reasonable people prefer to know what you want. Then it’s clear. They are informed as to whether they can say yes, no, or I have an alternative.

Here are a few tips to lead and live better with directness:

• Remember how annoyed you get when someone won’t get to the point and is indirect. You don’t want to be that indirect person either.
• Figure out your “ask” ahead of time, if it’s something important, Think it through: is it reasonable on my part? Is the timing right? Does it take the other person’s interests into consideration, because I authentically care about them?
• Gain access to your internal desires. When you’re hungry, you say “Pull the car over, let’s go to that restaurant.” In the same way, when you can feel the positive excitement of your directs reaching a goal, then use that feeling to say, “He guys, if you hit your quota, it will be an awesome achievement for you and the entire company.”
• Expect a positive response. When you think, “She and I are both nice people and there’s no reason this can’t go well”, you are not afraid. You are confident, and that calms the other person down. But when you are afraid, and expect a tantrum or a negative response, you are more likely to get that. People can sense fear and it unsettles them.
• Look them in the eye. People trust someone who look at them directly and say, “In this meeting, I want us to have a solution for the marketing problem hashed out in 60 minutes, and I’ll do everything I can to help.” It’s respectful and it’s definite. The shifty looking away out of anxiety conveys that something is wrong, and trust becomes an issue.
• Stop talking and give them space to answer. Don’t let your unease make you fill in the blanks with lots of nothing talk, like, “But you know you have a choice” (they know), or “And here’s another reason” (they have heard enough reasons). People need room in their heads to deliberate on what you want and what they’d like to do.

The Bible says we have not because we ask not. Mick Jagger says we can’t always get what we want, but if we try sometimes, we get what we need. I put God way above Mick, but both ideas are helpful! Say what you want.

Best to your leadership,

John

Leaders are highly interested in potential, both for themselves and for their organizations. They want to be high capacity, they want to actualize, and they want to get as much growth out of themselves and their companies as is possible. Yet often, they get started and things get really vague and they just don’t know if they are reaching their potential.

For example, a CEO I had in my leadership training program was, to the other team members, “The Guy” in the group. His company had both the highest valuation, the best annual growth percentages and the most number of employees. And he was a truly nice person, no real ego issues. Yet once I started getting to know him, I realized he was an underachiever and I told him so.

He was a bit put off by that but wanted to understand my observation. I told him, “You’re a very talented person, but you’re running your company in your sleep. What would make some of your colleagues sweat bullets is pretty easy for you. So I think you’re a 12 cylinder Lamborghini who is running on 9. To the world, you look like you’re firing on all of them but I think you’ve got 3 more that you’re not touching.”

He thought a bit and then said, “OK, that’s probably true now that I think about it. So what do I do?”

I said, “Muscle failure.”

He said, “I don’t get it.”

“Muscle failure”, I repeated. “You know, when your workout trainer shows you how to push the weights to a certain number of reps until that point comes where you cannot, just cannot do one more rep. It is not a matter of will, it is a matter of capacity. By definition, your muscles have reached their potential, at least for that session. Then, later you keep developing. I’d like you to start trying things at a higher level that are scary for you, make you insecure, and are a bit overwhelming. Let’s get you higher to your own potential.”

He was and is a motivated person, and took the challenge. The result was that in 2 years his company went scale at a level he had never dreamed. Then, of course he went on to the next challenge, because it all started feeling pretty good.

Most leaders are actually like this man. The world sees us getting lots of base hits but we know, in our heart of hearts, that we’re not really pushing to who God made us.

You don’t have to be a performance-oriented, legalistic, self-hating person. In fact, you’ll never reach your potential that way, as the Law is never enough, and Grace completes things. But you don’t want to be comfortably numb either, do you?

Where is your muscle failure? Start thinking about the next challenge.

Leaders and counselors must be focused on hope, which I define as an expectation of a desired outcome. Both groups of specialists are applying their expertise, time, and energy on some result that, by definition, can’t be achieved today. The project, the healing and the goal are targeted to be accomplished in the future.

It is nearly impossible to persevere, meet challenges, and recover from failures, if you do not have hope. How many times have you been working way too long and hard, with no success in sight, and felt yourself begin to lose hope? A lack of hope drains our energy and slows us down.

So be intentional about finding realistic hope. Leaders and counselors can go to several sources to feel that positivity that they need to experience, for example:

Your realistic assessment of the outcome. Sometimes it simply helps to review the project list and see that while the goal is a bit scary, you have prepared, thought through things, listened to experts, put a plan together, and have marshaled your resources. Readiness brings confidence, and confidence brings hope.

Your own history of success. One of the best predictors of the future is the past. Winners often remember other times that they have pulled off a significant success. That memory serves to remind you that you have done good things, and that there are reasons why.

Your insides. My model for success is that people who get things done have both Competence and Character. Your most important resources are these two: the fact that you have become skilled and expert in some areas; and that you are a person of integrity and connectedness.

God’s guidance. If God is behind something, it simply cannot fail: He has unshakable plans to prosper us (Jer. 29:11). When we surrender our future to Him, and He is leading, all is well.

The success of others. Knowing and talking to people who have overcome in tough times is also a great hope-builder. Find those whose challenges are similar to what you face, and gain strength from their stories, both face to face and in histories and biographies.

A Brief Warning: Stay Away from “Defensive Hope”

There is a type of hope that won’t help you. Psychologists call it defensive hope. This is an expectation of a good outcome that is based on nothing but wishes and desires. There is no reality to the expectation, and it will fail you. For example:
• I hope my company does better, because I really hope it will
• I hope my kids succeed, because I really want them to
• I hope my marriage flourishes, because I’m a positive person
Optimism is a good thing, but defensive hope makes us work hard on something when it might be time to prune back and face reality

So be a hopeful person, and do it the right way! Best to you.

Life is all about self improvement and growth. The happiest and most successful people are those who have some structured commitment to a growth process. There are two kinds of growth, and it’s important to understand them. Then you can decide what kind of context, time and energy to engage with them in.

Optimizing Growth. I am referring here to the fact that all of us have potential to do something, or be someone at a higher level than we are currently. We were designed to reach our potential, and maximize our impact on the world. Some examples of optimizing growth would be: identifying and developing your gifts and talents, finding your innate passions in work or service, landing on your mission in life and expressing that, having great family and friend relationships, and being as in-shape and healthy as possible. I spend a lot of time reading research, and the areas of positive psychology, as well as neurobiology, have much to offer in this arena. Some context for optimizing growth might be joining a career development group, hiring a coach, learning a sport or musical instrument, or starting a life team for personal growth.

Healing Growth. We also all need to heal from something, as we all have our own baggage and brokenness to deal with. Some of us have minor issues, and some have disabling ones. But nobody doesn’t have something to heal from (pardon the double negative). This might refer to depression, anxiety, substance issues, addictions and relational struggles. When we pay attention to these in a structured context, great healing is possible and probable. The clinical as well as neurobiological research areas are very helpful here. Some growth structures here could be: finding a therapist, engaging in a Celebrate Recovery ministry or starting a life team for personal growth. I mention life teams because they are excellent for both.

Also, if you are a leader, the Townsend Leadership Program has been designed for both types of growth. Leaders work on their leadership and organizational potential, and also on being the healthiest people possible. We have teams all across the nation. If you’re interested in this, contact our National Director Elaine Morris: elaine@townsendleadership.com.
Best to your growth!
-John

Pain, or discomfort, is a normal and expected part of leadership. Pain is all around you as you lead, every day, in some form. For example, it’s painful and uncomfortable to deal with:

• Revenue challenges
• Sales issues
• Execution problems
• Team dysfunctions
• The demand of your people
• Motivation challenges in your people

The list can go on. But the best leaders are those who have discovered the secret of understanding, and dealing with, the two types of pain. Once this becomes part of your skill set, things go much better and more productively. I have contextualized these ideas for leaders from my new book The Entitlement Cure. Here they are:

Symptom Pain: This is the sort of discomfort that alerts the leader to a challenge that must be addressed. It is a symptom with a cause underneath it, just the way a fever is the symptom of an infection, and the way a lit-up oil gauge is the symptom of an engine problem. The function of symptom pain is simply to let you know it’s time to dig into what’s really going on. The items at the list above are symptoms. They bother us and take our attention, but they are driven by something deeper. And that deeper issue requires understanding the second kind of pain:

Success Pain: Success pain is the discomfort that comes from doing what is necessary to root out the cause of the symptom. It is uncomfortable to take your antibiotics, to take time off from work when they need you at the office, and to modify your food intake and activities. But that resolves the fever. And it is uncomfortable to take your car to the mechanic, get a rental for the day, and pay for the cost of repairing the engine. But that is the only way the light will go off, and for you to know that your car is healthy.

Marginally successful leaders are those who focus only on the symptom, and don’t look below it. For example, a sales manager whose team is not landing the sales might say, “You guys need to make more phone calls. Here’s your new goal: make 20% more phone calls. Go for it!” There are a few times where this might be the solution, but in my experience with organizations, that’s the right thing to do about 5% of the time. Great leaders know there can be a number of things that are driving the poor sales, and they will delve into these, for example:

• Lack of role clarity
• Products that have little market value
• Lack of goal clarity
• Lack of resourcing
• Focusing on the wrong drivers
• A culture of entitlement
• A culture of fear

It is painful to do the work to figure out what the real cause it. It is also uncomfortable, and takes significant energy, to then solve the real problem. But that sort of investment will pay off in time.

So the secret is this: use the symptom pain to ask “why” and find the success pain. That is how you can solve challenges once and for all, and move on in your organization. Ultimately, the resolution of the symptom will mean that your company is healthier and better. Best to your leadership.

Leaders who get great results over a sustainable time period have a secret sauce: they are good listeners. They know how to “get into the head” of their people.

It used to be that listening was perceived as something reserved for human resources, shrinks and spiritual directors. But tons of research shows that CEO’s, executives and owners must have competency here as well. Your employees can be well trained, well resourced and have clarity of their roles. But if they don’t feel you understand them, performance simply drops over time.

Your people need for you take initiative to enter their point of view. That is the essence of good listening, and it is a form of empathy. It’s just a basic human need, like air or water. It is the art of understanding how they experience reality, not how you experience reality. You have to get out of your opinion, and into theirs, temporarily. This is hard work for a leader, because you also have to be the visionary who sees a future reality that others don’t. But you have to wear both hats. These tips will help you be a great listening leader:

• Take initiative to ask them how things are going. Don’t wait for them to come up and tell you what’s going on. This “walk-around management is a great use of your time.

• Ask open ended questions, not yes-no questions. For example, “So how’s it going?” is better than, “Things are good, right?” You’ll get more needed data and more loyalty that way.

• Ask a few times. Most of the time, when they are asked “How’s it going”, that the answer should be, “Fine.” And that’s what they will say. But after the “Fine,” just ask, “So how are things with the Green account?” or “How are things going in the role we have for you?” That conveys you really want to hear their experience, and they are much more likely to tell you what’s really going on.

• When you get the info, find how they feel before providing a solution. Instead of, “OK, the Green account is having problems, try this”, say, “That must be frustrating” or “I’d be overwhelmed myself” or “That would bug me too.” You have just entered a place inside their heads where few people go, and you have now become a significant person for them.

• Don’t worry that listening means agreement. Many leaders hesitate from listening, because they are concerned that the person will think Great, you agree with me. If that is true, you need to deal with that person’s entitlement attitude. But most of the time, people don’t assume that. You can say “That’s a tough situation” and later in the same conversation say, “I think you dropped the ball” and both are true.

• Don’t give advice until you know they need it. Leaders tend to “fragilize” their people, thinking that their employees just can’t think for themselves and solve problems. Sometimes they do need your advice. But my experience is that over half the time, if you listen well and support, they are smart enough to solve their own challenges, and your “being there” was all they needed. If that isn’t enough, they will tell you.

Be a listener. Be a challenger too, but that’s for a future blog. Best to your leadership!