Mentoring

Your Brain is Worth Changing Your Lifestyle For

November 1, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We all know the importance of brain health. The research is so strong about how much better our lives are if our brain is doing well. For example, Harvard Health Publishing suggests the following habits to follow:

Get mental stimulation
Get physical exercise
Improve your diet
Improve your blood pressure
Improve your blood sugar
Improve your cholesterol
Consider low-dose aspirin
Avoid tobacco
Don’t abuse alcohol
Care for your emotions
Protect your head
Build social networks

This is a very well done and comprehensive list. However, most of us look at these habits and think, “Well, I’m working on a few of these, already, I’m doing well on these few, and I’m not sure I have time and energy for those few.” It can be a bit overwhelming. Here are some ideas for busy people, to put a bit of time in for a healthy brain:

Get external support for working out. Exercise helps cover a number of the above good habits. Having worked with many executives who struggle in the area of working out, my experience is that the #1 key to a lifetime of working out several times a week, is bringing others into your regimen. That can mean working out with someone, joining a class, having someone send you a support text on the days you are scheduled to hit the gym, or hiring a trainer. We are more motivated and consistent when we stop doing this as a lone ranger, and bring someone else into the situation.

Engage in gaining info about the brain once a week. What we think about, we focus on, and consequently, we are more prone to follow up about. Just spend 10 minutes a week reading an online article, or listening to a podcast, or watching a YouTube video on brain health. It will help keep you interested and motivated.

Notice your improvements. Nothing keeps us moving better than seeing small, incremental successes each week. It might be as simple as getting on the scale, or seeing yourself do better on a crossword puzzle. Baby steps help a lot here.

Take your future seriously. Most of us have a lot going on in the present that keeps us very busy: kids, marriage, relationships, careers and a social life. It is so easy to live day-by-day. Pulling back and looking at our lives year-by-year doesn’t feel real. But successful people, including those who are successful in brain health, never forget the future. It is coming, and just because we don’t see it, that train is always headed toward us. Be prepared by taking care of your brain. It is the same reasoning that makes us want to save for retirement, before we get too old to generate the savings we need.

So take some time in your calendar to be nice to your brain. It will thank you, in the form of clarity, memory, positivity and energy.

Best,

John

Positivity

October 25, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

In general, a lifetime’s worth of a positive attitude will result in more success and fulfillment than a lifetime’s worth of a negative attitude. People who believe in the good in others, in themselves, and in their situations, will generally do better in their endeavors. So let’s look at a few tips to help you develop this capacity for yourself.

Determine your “why.” Positivity requires some thought and effort, so you have to have a reason to make the effort worth it. Being positively positive so you can be positive is…weird. So what is a good reason? Here are a few that really matter to us:

Motivation: Being driven to do something intentional about your life or situation.
Resilience: Being able to bounce back from a loss or failure, and move ahead.
Energy: Having the wherewithal to take effort.
Creativity: Being able to access new ways of looking at life, relationships and opportunities.

So think through these, and realize that positivity will help you get what you’d like in life.

Journal your positive and negative thoughts every day for a week. When we journal we are able to notice patterns. And patterns tell us a great deal. Just spend 10 minutes remembering the events of your day, and what positive or negative thoughts you had about them. You may find that you tend to be especially negative at work, or at home, or when you have a challenge, or even a win, because sometimes we devalue our wins so that we won’t be disappointed.

Discover what tends to happen that causes negativity in yourself. From that journaling, focus on the areas in which you find yourself the most negative, and dig into the reasons. You may have had failures in the past, or have disappointed yourself.

Tie in power to positivity. A great deal of positivity comes from knowing we are not helpless in life. When we don’t think we have choices, we enter what psychologists call a state of learned helplessness, and it is very difficult to feel positive. You don’t have to feel like you are Superman or Wonder Woman, with almost unlimited power. But realize you always have a choice somewhere, and use it.

Embrace, don’t avoid, the negative. I know people who are addicted to total positivity, 24/7. It’s almost as if they must see the half full cup at all times, and have a huge smile doing it. The problem is that these people are actually less committed to reality than to positivity, but the truth is that reality is the only place we should live. So move toward the negatives in your life. Admit them, bring them to supportive people, find solutions and accept what can’t change. The most successful people I know have this mantra: accepting the positive and the negative, but with positive being dominant. In other words, give a little more focus to the positive, in the end.

Be with people who have realistic belief in you. The right people are a significant source of positivity. When you don’t believe in yourself, spend some time with an individual who sees you more positively than you do yourself. Neuroscience research says it’s almost contagious. Just make sure their belief is realistic, and not “I just know you’ll play in the NFL and then be President of the United States”…unless that is actually realistic!

Be with people who can “go there.” Ironically, we also benefit from those who simply understand our disappointments and being overwhelmed. You would think those individuals would make us more negative. But what really happens is that we don’t feel alone. We feel connected. Being with someone who can be “in the well” with us, as I describe in my book People Fuel, might be the most powerful positivity enhancer of all.

Develop the capacity of a positive attitude. It really makes a difference.

Best,

John

People Fuel, Part 3: The Seven “C’s” of Relationships

September 17, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

How is your “People Picker?” We all choose individuals to be around us, and most of them are pretty good finds. But it’s easy to also get a bit out of balance, and have a lot more “drain” conversations than “gain” conversations. This can lead to fatigue and burnout, and then everyone gets drained.

In my new book People Fuel, I present a model of the different types of relationships, the Seven “C’s”, that will help you be a bit more intentional and clear about knowing how to spend your time. Here is a summary of those “C’s”, ranked from highest to lowest resource for you:

Coaches: Those individuals with whom we engage, to mentor, develop, guide and direct us. A coach can be paid or pro bono. Coaches have 3 qualities: (1) they are subject matter experts of in some area of your interest: leadership, parenting, emotional health, spiritual growth, or physical training for example; (2) they know how to coach. There is a science of coaching, and they know the theory and steps of taking a person from point A to point B. The Townsend Institute, for example, trains students in getting a Masters or a credential in Coaching (townsendinstitute.com); and (3) they have no personal need for you
to be a mutual friend or buddy. That’s fine, but they make the time “all about you.”
Comrades: Your Life Team. Those 3-10 individuals who know it all about you, accept you fully, but also tell you the truths you need to hear. Comrades are also fully involved in their own growth, and are vulnerable with you, as they want help from you as well, in mutual improvement. Comrades can be in a group, or individuals, or some hybrid.
Casuals: Those friends and neighbors you have who are just good, positive people. Maybe your kids are on the same soccer teams, or you like the same music events. Casuals help us experience being in the moment and enjoying life with someone. They are also a “farm team” as potential Life Team members.
Colleagues: We spend a great deal of time working, and it’s important to work with the right people. You don’t always have a say in those with whom you work. But as much as possible, work with those who are (1) truly competent; (2) relationally oriented; and (3) work well on teams. This can make your work life an energy-producing experience.
Care: Those individuals who are without something they need, and which you have the capacity to supply to them. This can range from helping mentor a young business person to supporting young parents to digging wells in a developing country. Our Care relationships help us make the world a better place, and also they release oxytocin in us, the hormone that lifts our spirits, reinforcing us to repeat those behaviors again. We always need to be giving back in life, that’s a large part of what a healthy life is about. But we also need to be aware that we may be spending too much time and energy in too many Care relationships as well.
Chronics: Sometimes called the “bless their heart” individuals. Chronics are not bad people, they are often very good people. They do have long term patterns of having lots of problems that rarely go away: job, financial, emotional, family and relationship struggles, for example. That is not a problem in and of itself, as we all have our challenges. But Chronics also have what I call a flat learning curve, that is, they don’t learn much from their experiences, nor do they apply all the advice you give them, time after time. They want to spend time with you, but more because you are a caring and supportive person, less because they want to apply your advice. You can spend enormous time and meetings trying to help Chronics, and just not see change.
Contaminants: We are all imperfect, but Contaminants are at another level. They have bad motives. They tend to be envious, and desire to divide and damage others. They can attack your business, your church, your marriage, your family, or your own soul. When you have clear evidence that you are dealing with a Contaminant, you must warn them of their behavior, and then create safety and distance from them.

When I take leaders and families through these categories, the first thing they usually say is “Hey, I’m bottom heavy!” In other words, they become aware that they have too many Care, Chronic and Contaminant relationships, and not enough Coaches, Comrades and Casuals in their lives. This imbalance can lead to significant losses of energy and positivity.

The answer is to right-size matters. First build up the Coaches and Comrades, then begin pruning back the lower categories. I spell out exactly how to do this in the book, in a reasonable and respectful way.

You will be amazed at how things go better for you!

Best,

John

Career World from Job World: Following Your Passion

February 19, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Work is a major section of your life, taking up 40-60 hours a week, and for decades. It’s important, and you need to think through it objectively and make those decades produce something meaningful for you. But it’s sometimes difficult to know when it’s time to pull the trigger and make the transition from a job to a career.

A job matters in that it’s a way to pay the bills. It provides some security for you. However, a career not only provides the compensation, but also serves as a way to take your passions, develop them to a high level, produce a meaningful product or service, and develop yourself on a growth track along with way.

Fewer people are sticking with one successful career these days; there are too many opportunities to learn and grow in different areas. So be ready and agile for that possibility.

I am often asked the question of “how do I know when it’s time to quit my job and go for the career?” Here are the answers I provide, which are customized to different people’s situations:

Determine your passion. There is a percentage of people who unfortunately have to do things they are not interested in, to make a living. Don’t assume that you are in that group. Instead, go ahead and do a “passion search” to feel what you need to feel about your career: enthusiastic, curious, energized, losing time. The quickest way to do that is to search MyMajors.com for lots of areas and specific roles in which you might be interested. Beyond that, you’ll probably want to hire a career coach, who will have assessments and so much more information that you do. Very much worth it.

When you have researched where you want to go. Some people quit their job and then figure out the next step. I have seen it work from time to time, but not regularly. I recommend taking nights and weekends during your job weeks, and doing R&D on your desired career: read about it, talk to people, take courses, go to conferences. You may find that it’s not a good fit for you. Or you may find that you know a lot more about it and are ready to go.

When you know the players, and there is a position or a good chance of one. Jobs come and go. But you need steady people who are impressed with you and want to keep you around. I call these people “advocates”, and they will put energy into you getting the right position. Talk with them, meet anyone they want you to meet. They are feeding you opportunities.

When you can afford the move. It can be a scary time to go from an unsatisfying position which does provide a steady paycheck, to a gap where you’re not sure of anything. You’re letting go of one trapeze, and don’t see the next one! So have funds saved up to have a minimal existence for a few months, so you can survive and concentrate on the career. I recommend 90 days of survival living that will keep you alive and motivated.

The longitudinal research about the end of life studies the regrets people have when life is almost over. The conclusion is that 15% of us regret what we did, those bad decisions. And 85% of us regret what we didn’t do, taking that chance.

Best to you,

John Townsend, Ph.D.

Overcoming Fear and Anxiety

November 9, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

There are three kinds of people in the world:

(1) those who have fear and anxiety and admit it;

(2) those who have fear and anxiety and don’t admit it

(3) those who truly don’t have fear and anxiety, but cause it in others!

And often, a (1) and a (2) will end up marrying a (3), but that’s another blog for another day.

So this blog is for the (1)’s. If you do struggle with anxiety and are courageous enough to admit it, you know how difficult it can be. Fearful thoughts popping in your head in the middle of the night, difficulty making decisions, second-guessing yourself, and then severe issues such as anxiety disorders and panic disorders can make life miserable. Here are some practical tips to help lessen and even resolve fear and anxiety.

Set the bar at “manageable anxiety” and not “zero anxiety.”

A life with zero fear and anxiety is not a healthy life. Would you want to be married to someone who doesn’t care enough about you to worry about your relationship, your health and how your job is going? Sometimes anxiety just means that you care about yourself or someone else.

See the value in some anxiety.

You need your anxiety. When you wake up on the morning of the first of the month, you need to be concerned that you pay your rent or mortgage. Your anxiety keeps you from saying, “I had a long day yesterday, I’ll call in sick and go to a matinee.” Fear can be your friend, at decent levels.

Get to the “why.”

Instead of trying to stop feeling anxious, move toward the feeling and not away from it. Ask yourself why you are feeling it at this particular time. Often, when you understand the root, you are halfway to getting it resolved. For example, you are anxious about keeping your job because your boss told you that your performance was lacking. However, if it’s a long-term job and you have a good history, and your boss said nothing more than that, that anxiety is probably irrational. So why would you have that fear? For many people, it’s because they aren’t able to feel secure about their talents, their competencies and their value in the workplace. So when there is a glitch like a negative performance review, they forget who they are and what they can do. If that is the “why”, you will feel some relief almost immediately.

Never, never, never suck it up and isolate. Fear is like a cyst. It metastasizes in the darkness, and it shrinks in the laser beam. Use the laser beam of the right people in your life to tell them your fears. Let them be “People Fuel” for you, and that will calm you down.

Manageable fear doesn’t get in the way of a great life. Keep the balance.

John Townsend, Ph.D.

Strategies for Curing Entitled Attitudes

November 2, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

We see the word entitlement all over the media these days. It has to do with a combination of two attitudes:

(1) I need to be treated as special, and

(2) I am not responsible for the impact of my behavior on anyone.

And it comes out as selfishness, narcissism and a lack of empathy for others.

We tend to see celebrities, politicians and pro athletes in this light, but entitlement is something the entire human race deals with. It can damage a marriage, a dating relationship, a family, an organization or a church. So here are some action steps that can change things, either in yourself or someone in your life. These helps are from the just-released softcover edition of my book The Entitlement Cure.

Take a meaningful risk every week.

Though they don’t show it, entitled people are terribly afraid of trying new things. Underneath the attitude, they tend to have lots of vulnerability to shame and don’t want to be seen by others, or by themselves, as having flaws and screwups. So if the person you are concerned about is a 15-year old, have him do a new sport, try out for a part in a school play, or run for office. Support him but hold him accountable. Whether he succeeds or fails, he will become healthier, more confident and less entitled.

Keep inconvenient commitments.

When we blow off appointments and work deadlines because they don’t feel fun, we are showing a lack of empathy and concern for the feelings and situations of others. You are not being rigid to hold yourself and others accountable to do hard things that have been committed. It builds trust in others and decreases our natural self-absorption.

Say “I don’t know.”

Entitlement insists that the person be seen as having all the answers. What a boring lunch to be with someone who pontificates about all of his opinions and solutions! Just be real and humble and when you don’t know how to build a spaceship to Mars, say, “Musk may know how to do that, but I don’t know, let me research that.” People are drawn to humility and curiosity. They are turned off by lectures and uber-advice.

You’ll see changes quickly with these tips. They work. Be an Entitlement-Buster!

John Townsend, Ph.D.