Planning

Resilience: The Skills To Help You Bounce Back

August 7, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Have you ever noticed that some people can have a setback and shrug it off, while the same setback can pretty much “tank” another person for a very long time? Whether we’re talking about relationship challenges, financial problems, emotional issues or health problems, the difference is an ability called resilience, which I define as the capacity to adapt to a stressor, and return to normal functioning. By “normal functioning” I mean a positive mood vs depression, good energy levels vs debilitating fatigue and the ability to maintain one’s relationships and work habits. It’s encouraging to know also that resilience is not as much an inherent gift that some people have, as it is a set of learnable skills that we can all apply. Here are some keys to bouncing back:

Stay (or become) connected vulnerably to a few good people. The neuroscience research is overwhelming about this. There is no way to overestimate the power of attachments with a few people you can open up to, and be supported by. My new bestselling book People Fuel has lots of information about the skills to do this.

Become engaged in the meaningful. Stressors have a way of “owning” our time and focus. Like a dog gnawing on a bone, our brains often obsess and chew on the loss or challenge, for way too much time in our day. They can create high anxiety and fatigue. So, while you can’t make yourself completely stop thinking about the stressor, you can make sure most of your day is spent engaging and being involved in what matters to you: meaningful work, people you care about, working out, good meals and positive activities.

Move into structure. A regular and somewhat predictable daily structure is very good for you too. When New Yorkers experienced the 911 terrorist attacks, researchers found that the survivors of that tragedy did better when they returned to work soon. Knowing what time their meetings, calls and breaks were scheduled for, helped their brains regulate and establish a sense of control.

Get yourself off the hook. Guilt plays a big part in stress. We often blame ourselves 100% for something we are 2% responsible for, and we beat ourselves up day after day. While we are always supposed to take responsibility for any mistakes we have made, apologize, and change our behavior, we shouldn’t take ownership for things we haven’t done. So write down what percent of the stressor is from you, what percent is from other people, and what percent is just from living in an imperfect world. Get in balance with responsibility, and your guilt will diminish. And for the percent that is yours, experience the great gift of forgiveness and acceptance for your imperfections.

Resilience can help you pretty quickly begin feeling, thinking and acting in your normal patterns again. Best wishes.

John

Motivating Yourself to Start Doing “Whatever”

March 5, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We all have some “whatever” that we just can’t motivate ourselves to start taking steps towards weight loss, job changes, marriage improvement, self-image growth, budgeting, health, and dating, for example. And there is a big gap between wanting a change, and actually doing the behaviors required to make the changes. But there are things you can do today, actually right now, to translate your “want” to action. By the way, this article isn’t a “path to success”, that’s a different blog. It’s more of a “get motivated to start by some good action steps” procedure. Here are the tips:

Clarify your “why”. Write down and read through several times, why this area of self-improvement is so important to you. Motivation comes from values and desires from deep within our brain, and they are very powerful to change behavior if we understand them. For example, say you want to lose 30 pounds. Your “why” might be because you want to feel better, to have more energy, to be a better mom or dad to your kids, to live a longer and more productive life, or to be able to wear skinny jeans! Whatever the “why” is, it has to be more than a thought, it must involve a feeling that also resonates inside. Keep working on it until you have it clarified.

Visualize the positive outcome. This is basically unpacking the “why” and applying it to the future. Write down a description of how you will experience life without the extra weight. It might be something like “I’ll wrestle with my kids more in the living room because I feel good and have the energy to spare.” Some sort of “video” makes things more real and vivid for us.

Focus at least 3 times a day until you actually “do” a behavior. Research on motivation and change shows us that in some area of life that we often get stuck, or paralyzed, or afraid to do some step. If this has been true for you, give yourself time to think and reflect on the “why,” intentionally focusing on that area. Your brain will enter a state of readiness and be prepared for that step. In the example of weight loss, that might mean signing up for a weight loss class. That’s a commitment and an action.

Let 3 people know. You need people on your team here! Just letting them know about your “why” and what your first step will be, is a tremendous motivator. They become your cheering section, and this will help you with that next action.

Motivation can lead to behavior, and behavior to change. I hope the best for you!

Calendar as Servant, Not Master

August 9, 2017 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Most of us wake up in the morning, the first thing we look at is today’s calendar, either on our phone, or monitor, or the one hanging on the refrigerator door. The calendar orients us and gives us an idea of what time we are going to do whatever. It is a structure to make the day make sense.

Calendars exist to serve us. They are intended to help us get life done in a meaningful and orderly way. But too often, the calendar becomes the master and not the servant. I have too often looked at my week’s calendar and thought, “Why in the world did I agree to that meeting? What was I thinking?” Well, what I was thinking at the time was, “Sure, that sounds fine, I’ve got some space there”, forgetting this principle: space doesn’t mean free space. Just because there is some time on a calendar doesn’t mean a low-priority meeting must go there. Nature abhors a vacuum, however, and we fill that space up with nonessentials.

Here is a tip to help this, which has helped me and lots of people I work with. It’s actually pretty simple: Create dedicated “Energy” times in every day of your work calendar. Energy times are those spaces in the day in which you need to have some wiggle room between meetings and phone calls, to do the things we never schedule but can make a huge difference in your attitude and productivity: catch up on a few (not all) emails, take a walk, grab power nap, talk to a friend about the weekend, reflect on how your day is going. It may be 15 minutes and it may be 60, depending. But our minds need a bit of “me” time that is dedicated to recharging. You will find yourself renewed and ready to tackle the next challenge.

Don’t get caught in the thinking of “I’ll power through all day, except lunch, and then kick back tonight.” It doesn’t work that way. We tend to be way too exhausted with this approach, and the kick back ends up being sitting passively on our butts watching TV or playing video games or doing Facebook, basically in recovery mode. Instead, put the Energy times directly into your calendar so that nothing but a true emergency can break into it, and your evening will be more fun and active when you get home.

Keep your calendar your servant. Protect yourself and your energy by scheduling the time that recharges you.