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Adult Children: Relating to Them in the Best Way

February 22, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

The adult-parent and the adult-child generations are having struggles with each other: struggles in communication, in values and in just how to get along and care about each other. However, while the generations are different, they have much more in common than they have differences. So here are some tips to help you improve love and communication with your adult child.

Don’t treat them like a child, treat them like an adult. In fact, I don’t really like the term “adult child”, because that is an oxymoron. By definition, a child is dependent. That’s what being a child is: someone who is dependent on their parents for their physical, emotional, relational and financial needs. But an adult is someone who is independent from parents for those needs. They are self-sufficient and have their own set of supportive and caring community to help them. Certainly a parent can be part of that community, but it doesn’t work well for a parent to be the primary source of life for them. So I’ll use the term “young adult” to make this clearer from here on out…

Enter their world. Parents of young adults are often reluctant to learning about their young adults’ lives, values, culture and interests. It’s not familiar and comfortable for them. So they just retreat to talking about their own activities. And it cuts off connection. So unless it’s dark material that is just really toxic, just ask about what they do for fun and meaning. Stay interested.

Respect their choices. Young adults need to know that their life choices, even when their parent disagrees, are respected as their own choices. That is a hallmark of being an adult. You may not agree with the choice, but you have no right to not respect their right to choose. There is nothing wrong with disagreement, and often good things happen when those conversations can be had respectfully. But keep it respectful. Remember how you felt when you were a young adult once, yourself.

Refrain from unasked-for advice. Parents often have a protective desire to give advice to their young adults. They don’t want their kids to make mistakes in relationships, finance and self care. However, unasked-for advice is generally not helpful. The person is more concerned about feeling put down or controlled, than whatever you want to say to them. And saying “I’m just trying to help” does not work. So instead, use PTSF: ask, “May I have your permission to speak freely?” If they say OK, give it. If not, just talk about something else. Now, if there is some major dangerous emergency, certainly go ahead. But if not, don’t.

Encourage other life sources besides yourself. Some young adults are on the other end of the spectrum. They have not emotionally, relationally or financially cut the cord, so to speak. They go to their parents to keep their self-regard regulated, be their best friend and supplement their income deficits. This is a type of dependency, and slows down the adulting process. So suggest to them to find other friends who will help them in these areas, and encourage autonomy and self-sufficiency. In serious cases, a parent may have to give the young adult less access to time and money, just to help them launch table score out more.

Don’t fragilize. No one wants to see their young adult struggle. But struggle is how we grow and are empowered. So don’t view them as fragile and easily-breakable people. Let them fail, learn lessons and find support. You can certainly be part of that support to an extent. But view them, and behave with them as they are: resilient and intelligent people who are finding their way.

I have so much respect for the current young adult generation. They have a number of things going on that we should be learning from. They are worth getting to know!

Best,

John

People Fuel, Part 3: The Seven “C’s” of Relationships

September 17, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

How is your “People Picker?” We all choose individuals to be around us, and most of them are pretty good finds. But it’s easy to also get a bit out of balance, and have a lot more “drain” conversations than “gain” conversations. This can lead to fatigue and burnout, and then everyone gets drained.

In my new book People Fuel, I present a model of the different types of relationships, the Seven “C’s”, that will help you be a bit more intentional and clear about knowing how to spend your time. Here is a summary of those “C’s”, ranked from highest to lowest resource for you:

Coaches: Those individuals with whom we engage, to mentor, develop, guide and direct us. A coach can be paid or pro bono. Coaches have 3 qualities: (1) they are subject matter experts of in some area of your interest: leadership, parenting, emotional health, spiritual growth, or physical training for example; (2) they know how to coach. There is a science of coaching, and they know the theory and steps of taking a person from point A to point B. The Townsend Institute, for example, trains students in getting a Masters or a credential in Coaching (townsendinstitute.com); and (3) they have no personal need for you
to be a mutual friend or buddy. That’s fine, but they make the time “all about you.”
Comrades: Your Life Team. Those 3-10 individuals who know it all about you, accept you fully, but also tell you the truths you need to hear. Comrades are also fully involved in their own growth, and are vulnerable with you, as they want help from you as well, in mutual improvement. Comrades can be in a group, or individuals, or some hybrid.
Casuals: Those friends and neighbors you have who are just good, positive people. Maybe your kids are on the same soccer teams, or you like the same music events. Casuals help us experience being in the moment and enjoying life with someone. They are also a “farm team” as potential Life Team members.
Colleagues: We spend a great deal of time working, and it’s important to work with the right people. You don’t always have a say in those with whom you work. But as much as possible, work with those who are (1) truly competent; (2) relationally oriented; and (3) work well on teams. This can make your work life an energy-producing experience.
Care: Those individuals who are without something they need, and which you have the capacity to supply to them. This can range from helping mentor a young business person to supporting young parents to digging wells in a developing country. Our Care relationships help us make the world a better place, and also they release oxytocin in us, the hormone that lifts our spirits, reinforcing us to repeat those behaviors again. We always need to be giving back in life, that’s a large part of what a healthy life is about. But we also need to be aware that we may be spending too much time and energy in too many Care relationships as well.
Chronics: Sometimes called the “bless their heart” individuals. Chronics are not bad people, they are often very good people. They do have long term patterns of having lots of problems that rarely go away: job, financial, emotional, family and relationship struggles, for example. That is not a problem in and of itself, as we all have our challenges. But Chronics also have what I call a flat learning curve, that is, they don’t learn much from their experiences, nor do they apply all the advice you give them, time after time. They want to spend time with you, but more because you are a caring and supportive person, less because they want to apply your advice. You can spend enormous time and meetings trying to help Chronics, and just not see change.
Contaminants: We are all imperfect, but Contaminants are at another level. They have bad motives. They tend to be envious, and desire to divide and damage others. They can attack your business, your church, your marriage, your family, or your own soul. When you have clear evidence that you are dealing with a Contaminant, you must warn them of their behavior, and then create safety and distance from them.

When I take leaders and families through these categories, the first thing they usually say is “Hey, I’m bottom heavy!” In other words, they become aware that they have too many Care, Chronic and Contaminant relationships, and not enough Coaches, Comrades and Casuals in their lives. This imbalance can lead to significant losses of energy and positivity.

The answer is to right-size matters. First build up the Coaches and Comrades, then begin pruning back the lower categories. I spell out exactly how to do this in the book, in a reasonable and respectful way.

You will be amazed at how things go better for you!

Best,

John

The Oldest Shoe Store in America and What We Can Learn from It

September 4, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

My wife Barbi and I recently returned from a combination trip of attending a close friend’s destination wedding, plus vacationing, both in the beautiful state of Maine. We stayed in the downtown area of the seaport village of Belfast. Across the street from us was a brick building with the sign: “Colburn Shoes: Oldest Shoe Store in America 1832.” 187 years. Now that is a run!

Since I do a great deal of work with family businesses, I had to find out their secret sauce. So we walked over and got to know Brian Horne, the father of the present owner, Colby, who purchased it from his dad a few years back. Brian was generous in providing me with time and information.

The story is that the Colburn family originally owned and operated the store for several generations, then the Horne family bought it from them a few generations ago, but kept the name. It has been in continual operation all that time. I asked Brian the secret to this sort of amazing longevity. He said it came down to 2 things:

Keeping up with the product. Brian said shoe lines and styles are always changing, and someone has to continue researching what will work in the current market.
Prioritizing great customer service. The Colburn staff spends a great deal of time with their customers, both local and vacationers like us. I observed that dynamic in a couple of trips to the store. They were engaging with the shoppers, asking questions and finding out what they were interested in.

I asked about internet competition with brick and mortar establishments. Brian said, “We had some scares in the beginning of that shift. But shoes seem to be a product that requires a tangible and personal shopping experience, so we have done all right.” Barbi and I were also impressed with our own personal shopping experience, enough so that she bought a couple of pairs of shoes, and I bought my first-ever Birkenstocks. See the photo of Brian, my Birks and me.

Now, on a leadership and business level, think about the two secret sauces. The first is task-related: knowing and having the right product. The second is people-related: connecting and communicating with people. It always boils down, ultimately, to these two.

We can all learn from the Colburn story. Go visit them on your next trip to Maine!

Best,

John

Resilience: The Skills To Help You Bounce Back

August 7, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Have you ever noticed that some people can have a setback and shrug it off, while the same setback can pretty much “tank” another person for a very long time? Whether we’re talking about relationship challenges, financial problems, emotional issues or health problems, the difference is an ability called resilience, which I define as the capacity to adapt to a stressor, and return to normal functioning. By “normal functioning” I mean a positive mood vs depression, good energy levels vs debilitating fatigue and the ability to maintain one’s relationships and work habits. It’s encouraging to know also that resilience is not as much an inherent gift that some people have, as it is a set of learnable skills that we can all apply. Here are some keys to bouncing back:

Stay (or become) connected vulnerably to a few good people. The neuroscience research is overwhelming about this. There is no way to overestimate the power of attachments with a few people you can open up to, and be supported by. My new bestselling book People Fuel has lots of information about the skills to do this.

Become engaged in the meaningful. Stressors have a way of “owning” our time and focus. Like a dog gnawing on a bone, our brains often obsess and chew on the loss or challenge, for way too much time in our day. They can create high anxiety and fatigue. So, while you can’t make yourself completely stop thinking about the stressor, you can make sure most of your day is spent engaging and being involved in what matters to you: meaningful work, people you care about, working out, good meals and positive activities.

Move into structure. A regular and somewhat predictable daily structure is very good for you too. When New Yorkers experienced the 911 terrorist attacks, researchers found that the survivors of that tragedy did better when they returned to work soon. Knowing what time their meetings, calls and breaks were scheduled for, helped their brains regulate and establish a sense of control.

Get yourself off the hook. Guilt plays a big part in stress. We often blame ourselves 100% for something we are 2% responsible for, and we beat ourselves up day after day. While we are always supposed to take responsibility for any mistakes we have made, apologize, and change our behavior, we shouldn’t take ownership for things we haven’t done. So write down what percent of the stressor is from you, what percent is from other people, and what percent is just from living in an imperfect world. Get in balance with responsibility, and your guilt will diminish. And for the percent that is yours, experience the great gift of forgiveness and acceptance for your imperfections.

Resilience can help you pretty quickly begin feeling, thinking and acting in your normal patterns again. Best wishes.

John

People Fuel: Fill Up Your Tank for Life, Love and Leadership

July 17, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We all need more energy, the vitality that helps us stay motivated, focused and productive in life. We know we receive energy from good nutrition, along with working out, adequate sleep and maintaining positivity. But there is another major source for the energy we need: having the right kinds of relationships with others. Not the ones that drain us, but the
ones that refuel us.

My just-released book People Fuel shows you how we need the fuel of “Relational Nutrients” from others, and, in turn we can then provide them to others. Our bodies require physical nutrients to stay healthy. If we don’t take enough iron, we can develop anemia. Too little calcium can lead to bone disease. In the same way, the book identifies the key Relational Nutrients that we need. As we experience these critical elements from others, we grow mentally and emotionally more sharp and healthy. And as we give these elements back, others benefit as well.

Finally, People Fuel details the specific types of people who can either be energy “gains” or energy “drains”, and gives concrete steps to help you cultivate relationships with those who will help you be all you were meant to be. On the first day of its release on June 25, the book was a double #1 on Amazon, in the categories of Christian Business and Professional Growth, and also in Christian Self Help.

Also, you can have a free download of the Relational Nutrients card, either digitally for your smartphone, or for printing out a hard copy. Just go to relationalnutrients.com. I hope you find steps and solutions for your own energy through People Fuel!

Best, John

The Life Team: Your Source for Health and Growth

July 8, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Most of us have lots of friends. But most of us aren’t getting the most out of our relationships, at least for what it takes to be the best person we can be, to grow and to maximize our lives. That’s where the Life Team concept comes in. This article will give you the steps to develop this powerful tool for growth.

In my just-released book People Fuel, I describe what a Life Team is. Simply put, it’s between 3-10 individuals with whom you engage on some sort of regular basis, and where the purpose is to support each others’ mutual growth. You can meet in a group, you can meet individually, or both. But the desired outcome is self-improvement in life, personal health, emotional growth, relationships, career and spiritual growth. All of what really matters!

There are 8 qualities a Life Team member needs to have, to make this all work. Here they are:

1. Shared essential values. You don’t need to have every life value be identical to yours, that can be too samey. But a basic similar lens on how you look at life.

2. Calendarized engagement in personal growth. A Life Team has a structure. “See you when I see you, bye”, in our busy world, means probably a long random time from now. But real growth requires committing to a calendar schedule and actually talking. It can just be a sharing of life’s highs and lows, a study of the Bible or a good book, or supporting and problem solving about your challenges.

3. A stance of “for” each other, with no judgment. Judgment prevents growth, it’s just that simple. When we are judged, we either retreat or push back. Nothing good happens. “For” means the Life Team members always want the best for each other, no matter what.

4. Vulnerability. We change when we are open and vulnerable about how we really are: our losses, hurts, mistakes and shame. To be fully optimized, we must be fully loved. And to be fully loved, we must be fully known.

5. Truthfulness. Members don’t avoid the hard conversations. They don’t let each other make costly mistakes in life, relationships, family or business without giving each other caring but direct feedback.

6. Mutuality. Everyone’s in this together. You’re all growing, and all vulnerable. It’s not about one person constantly bringing their problems to others for help. That’s more of being a service to that person. Instead, it’s a shifting and mutual arrangement of needs and support, back and forth, for each other.

7. Chemistry. The intangible. You have to feel some sort of “liking” for Life Team members. If the chemistry isn’t there, you begin to dread the conversations as a “well, it’s good for me”, instead of a “I can’t wait to have lunch with her.”

8. Availability. The members need to be around enough to make a difference. To do enough good to make the effort worth it, I recommend a minimum of at least one meaningful conversation a month. Life just gets better with a Life Team. For more information, read People Fuel, and best to
you.

John