children

Quality Family Time in the Digital Age

March 19, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Family is the context in which we learn to love, connect, become ourselves, grow and recharge. But we can’t assume it’s a totally protected and safe place. We have to guard our homes against everything from toxic influences to time distractions. If your family includes kids, it’s even more important, because they need our help and advocacy. Our culture is well into the digital age now. It is here to stay, and I believe it’s overall a very good thing. At the same time, the digital age can bring in influences you don’t want, and it can certainly bring in time distractions. So here are some ideas to help you keep your family experiencing the quality time it needs, while still living in the reality of an online world.

Set clear “non-pixellated times”: A friend gave me this phrase, and I love it. The digital world is easily accessible 24/7 and will be for the rest of our lives. So don’t wait for things to change to preserve family health. Set time periods where there is no digital access, including online, mobile phones, tablets, etc. Hey, Bill and Melinda Gates did this with their kids www.independent.co.uk

Put intentional thought into what “quality time” means. It’s one thing to set limits on digital time. It’s another to fill that void with great conversations and activities. Don’t substitute this with TV, movies and video games. Neuroscience research has shown that these activities have some value to mental growth in terms of some information and learning, but a lot of use ends up being at best “empty calories” for your family (basically just marking time until they grow up and leave home) and at worst, creating passivity and a lack of initiative. So be the parent who researches and comes up with structured fun activities, interactions, conversations, excursions, games and service projects. Fill that void. Your kids need it, and it will be over sooner than you think.

Love is free, freedom is earned. Your kids need your love and emotional attunement to their experiences and feelings. That is a basic need and a requirement for good parenting. But their freedom to choose how they spend their time must be earned by their good behavior. Laptops, mobile phones, tablets, TV, and gaming are not a right. They are a privilege. So if your kids are responsible in life, especially in their use of digital time, let them have age-appropriate access. If they choose to overdo things and aren’t responsible, then they are sending you a signal saying, “Help! I’m not yet mature enough to manage all this, I’m overwhelmed, please step in and be the structure I need!” Well, they won’t say that to you, but it’s still a message of what they need.

I hope this helps. You can make a difference here. For more in-depth info on this subject, read Boundaries: Updated and Expanded Edition by myself and Dr. Henry Cloud (Zondervan Publishing, 2017). The book is a New York Times bestseller and includes a chapter about having great boundaries in the digital age. Best to you!

School Shootings: How You Can Think and Act About Them

July 13, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Some of the most heartbreaking and disturbing feelings you can experience are in the aftermath of the tragedy of a school shooting.

It is something we were not designed to handle, as the depth of the loss is intense. The feelings we have tend to be a combination of horror, sadness, anger and being overwhelmed.

We are horrified by knowing kids, our most vulnerable population, are being killed. Our sadness is a reflection of our compassion for these children and their families, in which life has been marked forever. Anger comes against the murderer, creating a desire for justice. And the overwhelmed part is because there is so much division in our country about what can solve this.

There are some ways to think about this controversial issue, and some things we can do, that will help. Here are some tips:

Get clear.

Neuroscience teaches us that our minds do not do well in an overwhelmed state. When we see a video of a shooting and then feel the emotions I described, our brains go into the amygdala mode, which is our reactive, fight-or-flight mode. The strength of these strong and conflicting emotions can, over time, keep us upset, feeling paralyzed, and not being able to let this go and deal with our normal lives.

This is no solution for how to solve the issue, nor is it one what is good for your personal life either. So get clear: make sure you are talking to safe people in your life who can really hear how much emotion you feel. You don’t want to be alone with those feelings.

Also, study the issue, don’t ignore it. Ignorance adds to the confusion, and information clarifies. Figure out which of the experts and solutions make sense to you. Take a stance, even though it isn’t perfect. You will simplify your mind’s clarity and be able to handle what you think about the situation.

Think in terms of balance.

We need to deal with the symptom of the problem, which is that, in the current environment, our schools need systems for protection and security. And we need to deal with the causes as well. There are several causes that are being investigated, with mental illness, gun control, and criminal behavior being some of the most discussed ones.

An approach that only addresses the symptoms is bound to ultimately fail, as is the cause-focused approach as well. If a doctor has a patient with a raging fever, she will certainly give him something for his discomfort, but she will also examine him for a bacterial, viral, or other cause, to solve the underlying problem.

Don’t be the hand-wringer. Be a solver.

Unfortunately, we tend to move into “it’s all going to hell in a handbasket” conversations when we see the horror and devastation of these school shooting tragedies. We certainly all need time and conversations to process this, in order to digest the data in our brains.

But, once you have done that, stay away from those conversations that don’t go anywhere after a while, except into helplessness and bitterness. They aren’t good for you or the schools.

I was at a dinner of friends recently where a few people got into the topic, and it was going nowhere except into more unproductive, helpless and angry feelings. Then, one of the people in the group said, “We’ve talked about this a lot, and it’s important. Can we either come up with our ideas for solutions or change the subject?” The result was that several people had some good ideas, and it became a more helpful conversation.

Our kids and our schools deserve the most thoughtful solutions possible. We need to all look for answers.

Why the Family Separation/Detention Issue Touches Us

July 6, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

The debate over immigration in the US is fierce and complex, and the issue of families being separated has taken the intensity to a new level. People are polarized on their views of this. No matter what you believe the solutions should be, you cannot help but feel deeply that this matters. Here are some thoughts about this, and what you can do to make sense of things.

We think in terms of family. Our minds are designed so that we are a family-oriented species. We started in a family, we grew up in a family, and most of us create our own families. A family is where life starts and is developed. We hope to end our lives in the company of those family members we have loved for years. Even those of us who had struggling families still have a hope and a desire for a better and more loving family down the line. We are even interested in others’ families, and how healthy they are. It’s just in our DNA. We can’t ignore the reality and importance of family.

Vulnerability requires priority. The younger the child in a family, the more they must take a high priority in any decision. Developmentally, younger children do not have the internal fortitude or skills to handle the stresses of life. On a neurological level, their brains are unformed and vulnerable. That is why however this issue plays out, we must always put those who are less “able” at a high priority. The imprinting of both healthy and harmful experiences will affect the entire lifetime of a young child, so we must have a focus on helping that go right.

We want to help, but don’t know how. Millions of us read about and view the issue, and go away feeling a bit helpless, like “I can’t do anything about this.” That sense of helplessness conflicts with our natural compassion for safe families where the young are protected. Those two feelings do not go together. That is why the best route is to do something helpful, wherever you are on the debate. Read up on it. Investigate both sides without a bias. Get in touch with the decisionmakers on the position you have worked out for yourself, and ask them how you can help.

Families cannot be ignored, because we can’t ignore a part of ourselves. Pay attention to the issue, and support the best solution.