communication

Natural Disasters: How to Find Hope in their Wake

July 27, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We often feel powerless when a natural disaster strikes. Watching the news, seeing those affected, we quickly realize natural disasters do not discriminate.

The recent wildfires in the southwest and 2017’s destructive hurricane season caused untold damage to lives and property. All of us have either read about or experienced disasters, such as earthquakes, tornadoes, floods, and tsunamis.

Unfortunately, we will see them again in the future as well.

Here are some tips to be able to deal with these sorts of negative realities that exist at a high-magnitude level:

1. Do what life requires. It is easy to become somewhat obsessed and focused on the past or the next disaster. While we all need to prepare adequately for these occurrences, our minds are not equipped to stay “on call” thinking about these. Psychologists call this hypervigilance, a state of constant alertness. One aspect of hypervigilance is that the demands on your adrenal glands, constantly being engaged, causes them to become fatigued, which can be debilitating to your health and happiness. Instead of being “on call” for the next disaster, do what is required in your life: take care of your relationships with your family and friends; work in something meaningful and useful; keep your self care a priority; engage in your interests and passions; and help other in some form of service. This is not denial. It is simply letting your mind and behavior do what they do best.
2. Stay connected. Isolation and avoiding vulnerable relationships tend to have a magnifying effect on our stress reactions to disaster. Aloneness makes us worse, not better. Having a few supportive, understanding and warm people in your life, where you can mutually share your fears, your lessons learned and your hopes will do a great deal to help you function and feel normal.
3. Learn resilience. Resilience is a psychological term describing the ability to bounce back over time after a stress or loss. People who are resilient, for example, work through financial difficulties, health issues and family troubles, often to their previous level of functioning. Resilience is not instant, but it is an important skill. Learn resilience over the smaller matters in life, using patience, perseverance and a positive attitude. This will prepare you for the larger issues you will encounter.
4. Remove any demand for a just universe. The idea of “this is not fair” and “it’s not just” is a normal reaction to catastrophic events. It is just how our minds respond. But if “this isn’t fair” becomes an internal mantra, it will tend to sap your strength, your clarity of mind and your sense of well being. Just begin to accept that the world doesn’t run on “fair”, though it would be nice if it did. Instead, substitute “it is what it is, and I will deal with what it is.” That will be much more helpful and empowering for you.

6 Ways We Can Learn to Trust Again

July 16, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We are born trusting. In the beginning, we put our trust in our parents and relatives to care for us, love us, and keep us alive. Yes, these are basic needs, but they are also important ones!

Unfortunately, over time, something happens.

We get let down. We get left out. We go through a break-up or betrayal. The hard truth is that a lot of things just happen in our lives that cause us to lose trust in others. Knowing this, is it even possible to learn to trust again?

Yes. You can trust again!

Defining Trust is a Must

How do we define trust?

Trust is allowing someone to know our vulnerabilities. It’s about revealing our soft spots, failures, pain, negatives, and weaknesses. When you allow someone to see the real you, it’s a way of saying, “I trust you with this information, and I believe that you’re not going to do something hurtful to me with it.”

In the Bible, one of the translations for the word “trust” in Hebrew is “to be careless.” This means that you have so much trust in someone that you’re just careless with them. You don’t worry about saying the right thing. There is no walking on eggshells. There is no fear. You are truly yourself when you show that vulnerability and trust.

This “carelessness” comes from knowing that, no matter what, you are safe with this person you trust. When someone violates that trust or exposes one of the “secret parts” of ourselves that we don’t share with everyone, it hurts. Sometimes deeply.

That betrayal is what I call a trust fracture. How do trust fractures happen? Unfortunately, trust can be broken in a number of ways, especially as we grow older.

Divorce, problems with an adult child, challenges at work, friendship drama, and disappointment are all common culprits of trust fractures. How we approach rebuilding trust after it fractures that makes all the difference.

The Two Big Don’ts in Trusting

Two different outcomes can happen when someone breaks our trust. Sadly, sometimes these trust fractures happen more than once and we experience a hurtful pattern from the same person. Small breaches in confidence add up! Once those breaches happen, it can be hard to trust anyone, whether they’re a longtime friend or someone new.

Big Don’t #1: We don’t trust anyone.

When we lose trust, we often default to not trusting ANYONE. That’s not good at all. You need safe people in your life and that means having trust in them. They’ll give you the right nutrients for a happier and more trusting life. (Information on how to identify the safe people in your life is in my blog post here.)

Big Don’t #2: We trust everyone (but shouldn’t)

Or, conversely, we trust TOO quickly. When people let us down or are inconsistent, we can sometimes forgive and forget without sitting back and thinking, “Let me discern if you’re gonna really change your ways here.”

Then, the cycle repeats.

Trusting everyone or trusting no one at all is not a healthy way to work through losing trust. You end up in a passive permanent state where you wait for people to come to you. That won’t give you the nutrients you need at all.

6 Ways to Learn to Trust Again

The good news is that you can learn to trust again, no matter how deep the fracture, if both people agree to change (and actually do).

Repairing a trust fracture won’t happen overnight. It is going to be hard work, too. It takes time to rebuild trust or to initially put your trust in someone after a pattern of broken promises. But, if you follow these steps, you will be in a prime position to start trusting again.

Count The Cost. By not trusting anyone, consider these questions: What am I missing out on? Am I lonely? Am I lacking energy? Healthy boundaries are one thing. They help us with trusting people. But, when you put up too many boundaries to the point of isolation, you lose out on the potential for the nutrients needed for a happier life.
Don’t Be Afraid. A big step toward rebuilding trust or putting your trust in someone new is overcoming the fear-need complex. It’s something in our head that says, “I’m afraid of needing people so I won’t need them. But, then I feel like I really need them and I get afraid.” It’s a hard, back and forth internal struggle. Let the need overcome that fear.

Stick Your Toe in the Water. Take a small risk with someone NEW and see what happens. Allow someone to see a small mistake you made and be vulnerable. This is what happens right after you work through the fear I mentioned in #2.

Pick the Right People to Trust. Trusting someone is hard, so don’t make it harder than it has to be. Make sure people deserve your trust. You’ve got to make sure the people you’re surrounding yourself with are not going to intentionally betray your trust I always stress the need to identify safe people and trust is a big part of that concept.

Treat Others as You Want to Be Treated. Trust is truly a two-way street. The foundation of trust is built when you treat someone well, regardless of what they can or can’t do for us. Start to look out for them, start to put their needs in front of your own. It’s a lot easier to build trust with someone who shows consistent, good behavior toward us. It’s also a way to show the other person how they can build trust with you!

Balance Strength & Vulnerability. A strong person is one who can be vulnerable with others. Meaning, strength comes from being able to trust someone. For example, if you tell someone you want to trust that you’re feeling anxious about a situation at work and they give you warmth in response, that’s a show of strength. It is not weak to show vulnerability. Quite the opposite in fact. Keep in mind, this is not the kind of strength that dominates people or controls them, but the kind of strength that is balanced with being vulnerable.

It takes a lot of work to build trust, and even more, work to build it back up after a trust fracture. Trust is not something that should be given freely (meaning just to anyone). It should be earned.

School Shootings: How You Can Think and Act About Them

July 13, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Some of the most heartbreaking and disturbing feelings you can experience are in the aftermath of the tragedy of a school shooting.

It is something we were not designed to handle, as the depth of the loss is intense. The feelings we have tend to be a combination of horror, sadness, anger and being overwhelmed.

We are horrified by knowing kids, our most vulnerable population, are being killed. Our sadness is a reflection of our compassion for these children and their families, in which life has been marked forever. Anger comes against the murderer, creating a desire for justice. And the overwhelmed part is because there is so much division in our country about what can solve this.

There are some ways to think about this controversial issue, and some things we can do, that will help. Here are some tips:

Get clear.

Neuroscience teaches us that our minds do not do well in an overwhelmed state. When we see a video of a shooting and then feel the emotions I described, our brains go into the amygdala mode, which is our reactive, fight-or-flight mode. The strength of these strong and conflicting emotions can, over time, keep us upset, feeling paralyzed, and not being able to let this go and deal with our normal lives.

This is no solution for how to solve the issue, nor is it one what is good for your personal life either. So get clear: make sure you are talking to safe people in your life who can really hear how much emotion you feel. You don’t want to be alone with those feelings.

Also, study the issue, don’t ignore it. Ignorance adds to the confusion, and information clarifies. Figure out which of the experts and solutions make sense to you. Take a stance, even though it isn’t perfect. You will simplify your mind’s clarity and be able to handle what you think about the situation.

Think in terms of balance.

We need to deal with the symptom of the problem, which is that, in the current environment, our schools need systems for protection and security. And we need to deal with the causes as well. There are several causes that are being investigated, with mental illness, gun control, and criminal behavior being some of the most discussed ones.

An approach that only addresses the symptoms is bound to ultimately fail, as is the cause-focused approach as well. If a doctor has a patient with a raging fever, she will certainly give him something for his discomfort, but she will also examine him for a bacterial, viral, or other cause, to solve the underlying problem.

Don’t be the hand-wringer. Be a solver.

Unfortunately, we tend to move into “it’s all going to hell in a handbasket” conversations when we see the horror and devastation of these school shooting tragedies. We certainly all need time and conversations to process this, in order to digest the data in our brains.

But, once you have done that, stay away from those conversations that don’t go anywhere after a while, except into helplessness and bitterness. They aren’t good for you or the schools.

I was at a dinner of friends recently where a few people got into the topic, and it was going nowhere except into more unproductive, helpless and angry feelings. Then, one of the people in the group said, “We’ve talked about this a lot, and it’s important. Can we either come up with our ideas for solutions or change the subject?” The result was that several people had some good ideas, and it became a more helpful conversation.

Our kids and our schools deserve the most thoughtful solutions possible. We need to all look for answers.

Suicide: Helping Someone Who is Struggling

June 22, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

The recent self-inflicted deaths of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade have served as a sad reminder of the reality of suicide, not only among celebrities but also people we know and care about. Unfortunately, most of us know people who have killed themselves, and around 1% of people die in this way.

It is a complex issue, with many variables, such as isolation, failure, loss, substance issues, relationships, media and culture. However, there are things you can do that can help if you know someone who is struggling with suicidality thoughts or behaviors.

Get the facts. First, get some information about suicide. There is a ton of research on suicidality because it has become a major health issue. The more you know, the more you can help. Start with wedmd.com and Wikipedia, which can provide good data and resources for more information. Talk to a reputable therapist about it.

Understand the hopelessness. Often, a person will feel completely helpless and hopeless. They are experiencing a situation (a problem in relationships, family, emotions, finances, career or health) which is very painful and difficult, and yet they see nothing further they can do to change the difficulty (helplessness). This then leads them to think that their future will be no better than their present, and probably worse, which destroys positive thoughts about tomorrow (hopelessness). For people in this situation, they often feel that suicide is a rational step, in fact, the only step that makes sense. When you talk to a friend or family member who seems to be having severe difficulties, make sure you let them know you “get it” about the helplessness and hopelessness. It will help them feel not quite so alone and can help them to accept your help and suggestions as well.

Take it seriously. We hear a great deal about attention-getting behavior and manipulative suicidal attempts. These can happen, but still, always err on the side of caution. Even if a person is not actually suicidal, they could accidentally kill themselves with their risky behavior. If you hear them talk about wanting to take their lives, or if you see dangerous behavior, talk to them and point them to help: a therapist, doctor or hospital. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone about this, even if the struggling person wants you to keep it a secret. There is simply too much at stake.

About yourself. Finally, if you are having dark thoughts, feelings and behaviors, get help as soon as you can. Many people have found healing and a good future when they find the right therapist and support system.

If you are struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.

6 Healthy Ways to Handle Critical People

June 18, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

You’ve probably heard the old saying, “everyone is a critic.” This is our way of saying we all have opinions on one subject or another. In general, most people can have disagreements without escalation. When this happens, everyone comes into the disagreement with a healthy approach, and most leave the conversation better for having a good, healthy interaction.

But, sometimes we have to disagree with difficult people. You have probably had to deal with a difficult person in your life. Whether in-person on their computer or mobile device, difficult people are out there. (They are everywhere, actually!)

Whether we like it or not, we’ll have to deal with them with the same grace and truth we apply to all realms of our lives.

Change Your Perspective

Now, I’m going to give you some insight into how to work with critical people for a healthier outcome.

The core issue of a critical person is that when they face a problem, they negate the good. That’s no good. That’s not the healthy way to deal with problems!

Everybody has some level of critical analysis when it comes to problem-solving. That’s perfectly fine. You have to say, “Well, I screwed up there, or we have a cultural problem here, or we have an organization problem here, or whatever.”

It’s not that they see bad things per se. Instead, they negate the good. Even though life’s tough, it should be more positive than negative. Pretty simple right? So, critical people tend to be way out of balance.

We must ask ourselves where this comes from. You have to understand where critical people come from just to see they’re not making this up.

So how does one become a critical person? Let’s look at that next. Where does the problem start?

Family of origin: Sometimes, they have a family of origin issues where they were raised around a lot of criticism and that became the norm.
Environment: Some people are just around negative people all their lives and assume that’s just a normal way to communicate.
The Receiving End: Sometimes a person is the recipient of a lot of criticism.
Disappointment: A lot of times, at a deep level, critical people have been disappointed so much that it’s a way to avoid taking a risk and saying this is what I want.

Get Control Over It

You’ve probably got a critical person in your life; we all have that one person (or possibly more) who can’t seem to see the good in any situation. Here are a few simple truths that hopefully help you gain some control over the situation.

Forget about pleasing them: I’m sorry to say it, but you can’t please them! They’re unpleasable because they’re critical! They move the goalpost so that the goal is unattainable. Don’t try to please them, you will just be spinning your wheels.
Don’t get involved in power struggles: Do not escalate the disagreement to show them that you’re “more alpha.” Male alpha or female alpha, don’t show them that you’re an alpha because they can escalate till the cows come home. No good. Waste of time.

I’ve covered what not to do above. Now, let’s get into a few healthy ways to handle critical people.

6 Healthy Ways to Handle Critical People

Hear them: Just say, “Help me understand.” The road to solving problems comes when people feel heard.
Understand they didn’t come in a vacuum: This disagreement did not occur in a vacuum, they got to this critical point from somewhere, so it gives you a sense of patience and empathy for them.

Let them know how you feel: That awareness will help the lights come on. They will often go, “Well, tell me when I do that again.”

Ask them what they want: Ask them to say what they desire. Make them be specific! Because remember, they’re probably dealing with defending against disappointment and so they are more identified by what they do not want than what they do want.
Affirm the baby steps: It’s hard for a critical person to be balanced and look at the good because the good never meant anything good for them. So when they finally say, “Well, I just want to tell the team good job. That’s all I got to say.” That’s when, you know, pop the cork, have a big party, thank you. We need to know that and don’t let them say, “But you need to do these other things.” No, that’s not okay. Affirm the baby steps, it’s hard work for them. Write down a couple of vulnerabilities, it’ll really give you power and control over that.
Request more positives: Let them know that they can keep the negatives and that they need to add to the positives. You are trying to redo the way their brain works. Then, you can really repair the relationship and make them happier and a better place to work with and be a friend to them.

It will be difficult, especially at first, but I promise you that this kind of stuff works. Just like you, critical people have goals, desires, and wants. You can be an advocate for the person and share warmth for a healthy outcome.

When working with a critical person, you might need help with the conversation. TownsendNOW can give you the Christian-based guidance you’re seeking.

3 Tips for Creating A Strong Process Group

June 10, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We’ve been talking about the importance of forming a life team to help with your intentional growth in the personal and professional realms. Along those same lines, I now want to talk with you about the idea of process groups.

What is a Process Group?

You already know what a group is – pretty self-explanatory right?

In every group, there are always two elements present: the content or subject matter, and the process. The process element is where people talk about how they feel, and not just what they think. People talk about what things are like and what their needs are.

For example, if you go take a course at a college, it’s pretty much nothing but content. By comparison, if you go to group psychotherapy, it’s pretty much nothing but process.

For our purposes, I’m talking specifically about the groups where process is dominant, with people talking about their needs, feelings, challenges, and their relationships with each other. This fits into the concept of a life team in many respects.

In a process group, 5-10 individuals meet face to face to share their struggles and concerns with 1-2 trained professionals. The power of process groups lies in the unique opportunity to receive multiple perspectives, support, encouragement and feedback from other individuals in a safe and confidential environment.

Why Are Process Groups Important?

Simply put, people are the fuel of life. We know this. When we are healthy, it’s because we’ve got good people in our lives who nourish us with encouragement, wisdom, acceptance, safety, vulnerability, empathy, and challenge. It’s a little like a healthy, balanced diet.

Process groups are a great place to get the nutrients we need to live a successful and healthy life.

It’s not just facts and skills. We need those things, but it’s also people really getting deep with each other and sharing the nutrients of life. It becomes mutually healthy and beneficial concurrently.

What Makes a Good Process Group?

Let me give you three key aspects of a really good process group.

Full disclosure: I have facilitated close to 5,000 process groups myself, so I’m a deep believer in them. I’m a process group junkie because I see the power, not only in my own life, but in the people and companies I work with.

3 Tips for a Healthy Process Group

It needs to be facilitated. Someone has to be in charge. The group must have somebody who has specific training in doing process groups. It can be a professional or a therapist or someone licensed. Just someone who knows their 10,000 hours of how to properly facilitate a process group.
It must be a safe space. Similar to a life team, process groups are about opening up about your hurts, challenges, and insecurities. There are struggles you have and you need a safe place where you can open up about them in a judgment-free zone.
Respect for your needs and emotions. You know, there’s not many places in the world where our needs and emotions are respected. The group has to be a place where people say, “I wanna hear the challenge.” You don’t have to just give the good news. You can say you’re overwhelmed, embarrassed, or ashamed. It’s okay and admitting these feelings will be welcomed by people that care about you.

How Can a Process Group Fit In Your Life?

I look at process groups as a family, really. People were designed to be in families. You have your family of origin or your biological relatives. Your process group, much like your life team, is secondary to your family of origin and offers different nutrients.

The real difference is that your process group family is made up of people that have the love, wisdom, and structure you maybe didn’t get from your biological family. Your process group sort of fills in the gaps left by your biological family.

It is important to include people in your life that you’re not biologically related to for growth support. For more information on creating a process group, watch the topic video inside the TownsendNOW video library.