conflicts

Having Difficult but Effective Conversations

January 19, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

There is simply no way to get through life successfully and sanely, without having to sit down with someone to have “the talk.” Whether it’s your spouse, a family member, someone you’re dating, a friend or a work colleague, things just come up that rub us the wrong way, or are actually crises, that must be addressed and resolved. However, we aren’t born with the ability to have a difficult conversation that actually is effective. It’s a learned skill. So here are some steps to get you where you want to go.

The goal of any difficult conversation is to solve a problem while maintaining alignment. In other words, to speak truth about an issue without alienating the person. There is certainly a small percentage of humans that can’t tolerate any confrontation, and you can’t control their reactions. But the great majority of people are ok with hashing out problems. Here are the skills, in order of when to do them.

Convey that you are “for” them: Start by letting the person know that, while this is an important conversation, that you want their best. You don’t want to win over them or punish them, you want to solve a problem.
State the problem: Clearly and in a few words, state what the problem is, so that it’s understandable. If needed use a few examples, with dates and times, to jog their memory and understand what you’re trying to say.
Own your part: Take responsibility for however you have contributed to the issue. It may be 90% or it may be 10%, but the great odds are that you aren’t 100% perfect in this dance. Not only is it the right thing to do, it keeps the person from feeling like you think you’re a perfect parent, pointing your finger at an immature child. If you fail to own your part, you will not take the conversation anywhere near a positive direction.
Hear them out/deal with diversion: Everyone needs their day in court, so ask them what their side of it is. There may be info that you need to know, to flesh out how you see the problem. But don’t let the person hijack the conversation with endless diversions to other topics to keep themselves away from responsibility. Warmly, but directly, bring the topic back to the issue you began with.
Ask for specific change: People need practical suggestions, not high-concept ones. “I need for you to ask me how I’m doing around half the time we get together, that feels more mutual” is a lot better than “Get your act together.”
Consequences if necessary: Sometimes a good conversation is all that’s needed. But sometimes, after a few failed conversations, boundaries are needed.
End with “for”: These talks can make the person feel that you don’t care about them. Just reassure them, at the end, that you truly want the best for them and for the relationship.
Check in later: After 2-24 hours, reach out to them again and ask how they’re doing with the talk. Sometimes, they will feel hurt or misunderstood. Spend a bit of time clarifying that you really care and want things to work out.

These steps work. If you want more information, check out my book, How to Have That Difficult Conversation That You’ve Been Avoiding. Remember, it’s just a set of skills that you can learn.

Best,

John

How to Resolve Conflict Avoidance

October 19, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

This is simply a “you just have to learn it” skill. The most successful and happiest people I work with are able to enter into conflict with those in their life, family and work. And I can’t begin to tell you how many otherwise talented and genuinely good people get hamstrung on their inability to have difficult conversations. Psychologists refer to the problem as conflict-avoidant behavior.

We are conflict-avoidant when we know we need to face a problem with someone and get it resolved, but our high anxiety makes us kick the can down the road, hoping against hope that things will get better. 99% of the time, they actually get worse, sort of metastasizing into something we really don’t want. So instead of going for the short term peace of avoidance, go for the long term solution that will really make things better for you. Here are some tips to help you:

Deal with your anxiety. Most of the time, we don’t run from conflict for a logical or rational reason, for example, when someone is threatening us with a gun. There is sound logic there! We more avoid conflict for emotional reasons, manifesting themselves as anxiety. Figure out exactly what drives your anxiety, because anxiety always has a focus. Some common sources of anxiety are:

Rejection: When someone important to us disconnects from the relationship.
Anger: When we don’t have the skills to handle an angry person, and we become frightened and overwhelmed.
Guilt: When we are prone to see ourselves as the bad guy, and take on all the responsibility for the problem, instead of our actual contribution.
Loss of control: When we are more afraid of our own strong feelings than we are the other person, and we actually are concerned we might say or do something we’ll regret.

We don’t have space here to go into these sources, but often, talking it out with a mature person or counselor can do a great deal to help. The point is, don’t let anxiety paralyze you.

Script the conversation. Research shows that we do better in conflict when we have thought out what we want to say, in a talking-point manner. Then we don’t get lost or confused. Write out a brief script and learn it, so you won’t need to have it in front of you, and you can have good eye contact with the person.

Make the sandwich. Conflict resolves more effectively when it begins and ends with authentic affirmation and care, and when the issue itself is the meat in the middle of the “sandwich.” Think how much it has helped you to have someone let you know, in a real way, that they are for you and not against you, in a difficult talk.

Know when to back off. Some people readily deal with conflict, when they are approached, and navigate it with truth, respect and love. They do well in these scenarios. And some react in anger, victim statements, intense emotions, blame and excuses. Just learn when the reactions are dominating things, and you don’t see any progress. That means it might be time to call it a day and try something different at another time. If it’s not working, it’s not working.

Conflict isn’t fun, but neither is surgery. When done well, however, it can lead to a great deal of positive results in your life.

Best,

John

Strategies for Curing Entitled Attitudes

November 2, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

We see the word entitlement all over the media these days. It has to do with a combination of two attitudes:

(1) I need to be treated as special, and

(2) I am not responsible for the impact of my behavior on anyone.

And it comes out as selfishness, narcissism and a lack of empathy for others.

We tend to see celebrities, politicians and pro athletes in this light, but entitlement is something the entire human race deals with. It can damage a marriage, a dating relationship, a family, an organization or a church. So here are some action steps that can change things, either in yourself or someone in your life. These helps are from the just-released softcover edition of my book The Entitlement Cure.

Take a meaningful risk every week.

Though they don’t show it, entitled people are terribly afraid of trying new things. Underneath the attitude, they tend to have lots of vulnerability to shame and don’t want to be seen by others, or by themselves, as having flaws and screwups. So if the person you are concerned about is a 15-year old, have him do a new sport, try out for a part in a school play, or run for office. Support him but hold him accountable. Whether he succeeds or fails, he will become healthier, more confident and less entitled.

Keep inconvenient commitments.

When we blow off appointments and work deadlines because they don’t feel fun, we are showing a lack of empathy and concern for the feelings and situations of others. You are not being rigid to hold yourself and others accountable to do hard things that have been committed. It builds trust in others and decreases our natural self-absorption.

Say “I don’t know.”

Entitlement insists that the person be seen as having all the answers. What a boring lunch to be with someone who pontificates about all of his opinions and solutions! Just be real and humble and when you don’t know how to build a spaceship to Mars, say, “Musk may know how to do that, but I don’t know, let me research that.” People are drawn to humility and curiosity. They are turned off by lectures and uber-advice.

You’ll see changes quickly with these tips. They work. Be an Entitlement-Buster!

John Townsend, Ph.D.

4 Tips To Avoid Drama

August 24, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Human beings are prone to drama. Unfortunate, but true. It’s just in our nature.

You need to know how to work through drama when you encounter it. Otherwise, you’re headed toward a vicious cycle that will only drain you emotionally.

How Does Drama Start?

What is drama? Drama is when a person has an emotional meltdown in your presence. If you’ve ever had a conversation with someone and things begin to escalate with no good resolutions, you understand how drama can evolve quickly.

Difficult conversations are often a result of trying to diffuse drama. Read my thoughts on how to approach a difficult conversation with grace and truth here.

4 Tips for Avoiding Drama

Here are four tips to help you avoid these unproductive and useless conversations.

Avoid the toxic triangle and communicate. A toxic triangle is when one person hears something about another person through a third party. You probably know it better as “gossip.” For example, you don’t want to hear that your boss thinks you have a poor attitude from a coworker. Instead, you need to have a healthy and open conversation with your manager where you both are vulnerable. Direct communication always wins out over triangulation.
Nip it in the bud. Misunderstandings between people almost always fester over time if we ignore them. Let’s say you had a conflict with a friend. Don’t let the issue linger. It’ll create an awkward and unhealthy environment when you’re spending time with mutual friends who will know the conflict hasn’t been resolved. That creates drama. Take the initiative and act.
Listen before you express your point of view. When you can see that the other person is upset, don’t try to explain yourself immediately. They are not experiencing you from their rational, prefrontal cortex part of the brain. They are lodged in the amygdala, where they feel fight, flight, freeze or fold feelings. Instead, show concern for what they feel, and authentically make statements such as, “That must be difficult”, “Tell me more,” and “It sounds overwhelming.” Don’t assume this has worked because you said it. Ask if you understand. This calms down a great deal of drama so that people can get to be friends again.
Set ground rules. Unfortunately, there are people who are just walking dramas. They blow up, interrupt, yell and make life miserable for everyone. Also, they tend to never solve their problems! When you are with this type of person, before you have the talk, set these three ground rules:
- We can finish sentences without the other person interrupting.
- We can be upset, but not yelling or disrespectful.
- We will seek to understand what each other is saying.

Most people will agree to these fairly simple boundaries. However, keep in mind that, when the conversation begins, they will lose their perspective and start violating the ground rules. That’s okay. Just gently remind the other person of the boundary: “Remember the interrupting ground rule? I need to finish my sentence first.” Most people will remember and agree to continue in the right way. If they continue to violate your set boundaries, simply halt the conversation and say you will need to resume it at another time when the other party can abide by the rules in a calm manner.

Open communication and boundaries are the keys to negating drama before it gets out of control. Follow these four suggestions and you’ll be on the road to a drama-free life!

School Shootings: How You Can Think and Act About Them

July 13, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Some of the most heartbreaking and disturbing feelings you can experience are in the aftermath of the tragedy of a school shooting.

It is something we were not designed to handle, as the depth of the loss is intense. The feelings we have tend to be a combination of horror, sadness, anger and being overwhelmed.

We are horrified by knowing kids, our most vulnerable population, are being killed. Our sadness is a reflection of our compassion for these children and their families, in which life has been marked forever. Anger comes against the murderer, creating a desire for justice. And the overwhelmed part is because there is so much division in our country about what can solve this.

There are some ways to think about this controversial issue, and some things we can do, that will help. Here are some tips:

Get clear.

Neuroscience teaches us that our minds do not do well in an overwhelmed state. When we see a video of a shooting and then feel the emotions I described, our brains go into the amygdala mode, which is our reactive, fight-or-flight mode. The strength of these strong and conflicting emotions can, over time, keep us upset, feeling paralyzed, and not being able to let this go and deal with our normal lives.

This is no solution for how to solve the issue, nor is it one what is good for your personal life either. So get clear: make sure you are talking to safe people in your life who can really hear how much emotion you feel. You don’t want to be alone with those feelings.

Also, study the issue, don’t ignore it. Ignorance adds to the confusion, and information clarifies. Figure out which of the experts and solutions make sense to you. Take a stance, even though it isn’t perfect. You will simplify your mind’s clarity and be able to handle what you think about the situation.

Think in terms of balance.

We need to deal with the symptom of the problem, which is that, in the current environment, our schools need systems for protection and security. And we need to deal with the causes as well. There are several causes that are being investigated, with mental illness, gun control, and criminal behavior being some of the most discussed ones.

An approach that only addresses the symptoms is bound to ultimately fail, as is the cause-focused approach as well. If a doctor has a patient with a raging fever, she will certainly give him something for his discomfort, but she will also examine him for a bacterial, viral, or other cause, to solve the underlying problem.

Don’t be the hand-wringer. Be a solver.

Unfortunately, we tend to move into “it’s all going to hell in a handbasket” conversations when we see the horror and devastation of these school shooting tragedies. We certainly all need time and conversations to process this, in order to digest the data in our brains.

But, once you have done that, stay away from those conversations that don’t go anywhere after a while, except into helplessness and bitterness. They aren’t good for you or the schools.

I was at a dinner of friends recently where a few people got into the topic, and it was going nowhere except into more unproductive, helpless and angry feelings. Then, one of the people in the group said, “We’ve talked about this a lot, and it’s important. Can we either come up with our ideas for solutions or change the subject?” The result was that several people had some good ideas, and it became a more helpful conversation.

Our kids and our schools deserve the most thoughtful solutions possible. We need to all look for answers.

Why the Family Separation/Detention Issue Touches Us

July 6, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

The debate over immigration in the US is fierce and complex, and the issue of families being separated has taken the intensity to a new level. People are polarized on their views of this. No matter what you believe the solutions should be, you cannot help but feel deeply that this matters. Here are some thoughts about this, and what you can do to make sense of things.

We think in terms of family. Our minds are designed so that we are a family-oriented species. We started in a family, we grew up in a family, and most of us create our own families. A family is where life starts and is developed. We hope to end our lives in the company of those family members we have loved for years. Even those of us who had struggling families still have a hope and a desire for a better and more loving family down the line. We are even interested in others’ families, and how healthy they are. It’s just in our DNA. We can’t ignore the reality and importance of family.

Vulnerability requires priority. The younger the child in a family, the more they must take a high priority in any decision. Developmentally, younger children do not have the internal fortitude or skills to handle the stresses of life. On a neurological level, their brains are unformed and vulnerable. That is why however this issue plays out, we must always put those who are less “able” at a high priority. The imprinting of both healthy and harmful experiences will affect the entire lifetime of a young child, so we must have a focus on helping that go right.

We want to help, but don’t know how. Millions of us read about and view the issue, and go away feeling a bit helpless, like “I can’t do anything about this.” That sense of helplessness conflicts with our natural compassion for safe families where the young are protected. Those two feelings do not go together. That is why the best route is to do something helpful, wherever you are on the debate. Read up on it. Investigate both sides without a bias. Get in touch with the decisionmakers on the position you have worked out for yourself, and ask them how you can help.

Families cannot be ignored, because we can’t ignore a part of ourselves. Pay attention to the issue, and support the best solution.