encouragement

Suicide: Helping Someone Who is Struggling

June 22, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

The recent self-inflicted deaths of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade have served as a sad reminder of the reality of suicide, not only among celebrities but also people we know and care about. Unfortunately, most of us know people who have killed themselves, and around 1% of people die in this way.

It is a complex issue, with many variables, such as isolation, failure, loss, substance issues, relationships, media and culture. However, there are things you can do that can help if you know someone who is struggling with suicidality thoughts or behaviors.

Get the facts. First, get some information about suicide. There is a ton of research on suicidality because it has become a major health issue. The more you know, the more you can help. Start with wedmd.com and Wikipedia, which can provide good data and resources for more information. Talk to a reputable therapist about it.

Understand the hopelessness. Often, a person will feel completely helpless and hopeless. They are experiencing a situation (a problem in relationships, family, emotions, finances, career or health) which is very painful and difficult, and yet they see nothing further they can do to change the difficulty (helplessness). This then leads them to think that their future will be no better than their present, and probably worse, which destroys positive thoughts about tomorrow (hopelessness). For people in this situation, they often feel that suicide is a rational step, in fact, the only step that makes sense. When you talk to a friend or family member who seems to be having severe difficulties, make sure you let them know you “get it” about the helplessness and hopelessness. It will help them feel not quite so alone and can help them to accept your help and suggestions as well.

Take it seriously. We hear a great deal about attention-getting behavior and manipulative suicidal attempts. These can happen, but still, always err on the side of caution. Even if a person is not actually suicidal, they could accidentally kill themselves with their risky behavior. If you hear them talk about wanting to take their lives, or if you see dangerous behavior, talk to them and point them to help: a therapist, doctor or hospital. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone about this, even if the struggling person wants you to keep it a secret. There is simply too much at stake.

About yourself. Finally, if you are having dark thoughts, feelings and behaviors, get help as soon as you can. Many people have found healing and a good future when they find the right therapist and support system.

If you are struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.

3 Tips for Creating A Strong Process Group

June 10, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We’ve been talking about the importance of forming a life team to help with your intentional growth in the personal and professional realms. Along those same lines, I now want to talk with you about the idea of process groups.

What is a Process Group?

You already know what a group is – pretty self-explanatory right?

In every group, there are always two elements present: the content or subject matter, and the process. The process element is where people talk about how they feel, and not just what they think. People talk about what things are like and what their needs are.

For example, if you go take a course at a college, it’s pretty much nothing but content. By comparison, if you go to group psychotherapy, it’s pretty much nothing but process.

For our purposes, I’m talking specifically about the groups where process is dominant, with people talking about their needs, feelings, challenges, and their relationships with each other. This fits into the concept of a life team in many respects.

In a process group, 5-10 individuals meet face to face to share their struggles and concerns with 1-2 trained professionals. The power of process groups lies in the unique opportunity to receive multiple perspectives, support, encouragement and feedback from other individuals in a safe and confidential environment.

Why Are Process Groups Important?

Simply put, people are the fuel of life. We know this. When we are healthy, it’s because we’ve got good people in our lives who nourish us with encouragement, wisdom, acceptance, safety, vulnerability, empathy, and challenge. It’s a little like a healthy, balanced diet.

Process groups are a great place to get the nutrients we need to live a successful and healthy life.

It’s not just facts and skills. We need those things, but it’s also people really getting deep with each other and sharing the nutrients of life. It becomes mutually healthy and beneficial concurrently.

What Makes a Good Process Group?

Let me give you three key aspects of a really good process group.

Full disclosure: I have facilitated close to 5,000 process groups myself, so I’m a deep believer in them. I’m a process group junkie because I see the power, not only in my own life, but in the people and companies I work with.

3 Tips for a Healthy Process Group

It needs to be facilitated. Someone has to be in charge. The group must have somebody who has specific training in doing process groups. It can be a professional or a therapist or someone licensed. Just someone who knows their 10,000 hours of how to properly facilitate a process group.
It must be a safe space. Similar to a life team, process groups are about opening up about your hurts, challenges, and insecurities. There are struggles you have and you need a safe place where you can open up about them in a judgment-free zone.
Respect for your needs and emotions. You know, there’s not many places in the world where our needs and emotions are respected. The group has to be a place where people say, “I wanna hear the challenge.” You don’t have to just give the good news. You can say you’re overwhelmed, embarrassed, or ashamed. It’s okay and admitting these feelings will be welcomed by people that care about you.

How Can a Process Group Fit In Your Life?

I look at process groups as a family, really. People were designed to be in families. You have your family of origin or your biological relatives. Your process group, much like your life team, is secondary to your family of origin and offers different nutrients.

The real difference is that your process group family is made up of people that have the love, wisdom, and structure you maybe didn’t get from your biological family. Your process group sort of fills in the gaps left by your biological family.

It is important to include people in your life that you’re not biologically related to for growth support. For more information on creating a process group, watch the topic video inside the TownsendNOW video library.

Are You Using Social Media in a Healthy Way?

May 14, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

I love using social media. It’s not going away, and I’m glad. Social media makes our lives better, but that also means that we must be able to use it wisely.

Before we get any further, let me just define the terms here.

Social media is any kind of a website or application that involves the delivery of content that leads to interaction with other people.

Benefits of Healthy Social Media Use

Social media can provide many benefits, including:

Stronger Relationships
More Success
Entertainment

Unfortunately, we tend to see people get stuck in addictive cycles on social media. This could mean they are constantly on their phone, which can also lead to physical problems like eye strain headaches. Or, they seek out people who may’ve been problematic in the past, which can lead to all kinds of emotional challenges. Social media is supposed to be primarily for entertainment. It simply cannot take over your life.

The main thing to consider when using social media is, “Is it helping me be a better person? Am I in charge of it or is it in charge of me?”

Watch Out For the Negatives of Social Media

Let me give you some of the negative ways people handle being constantly connected.

The first is access issues. You have your home life, work or school life, friends, church, etc. All too often, work or school can be accessed through text or email. You are technically available anytime. Do you respond or simply let it go for the time being?

Another thing is quality vs. quantity. When surfing social media make sure you’re not allowing stuff in that’s going to adversely impact your emotional or spiritual well-being. Then, there’s quantity. There’s so much research out there about how people are spending way too much time on Facebook, Twitter, etc., and it gets in the way of real life and real experiences.

Healthy Social Media Boundaries

Now, let me give you some healthy ways to deal with this:

Make sure you’re living a healthy life. You’re working out and dealing with people who are good for you and you’re doing something meaningful with your time. Nature abhors a vacuum. When we don’t have a healthy life and we’re lonely or isolated, we have a tendency to go into the digital world. This is the addictive process. Look, just like some people turn to drugs or alcohol, they can also go into the social media world because their real life’s not working. So, have the healthiest life possible.
Set realistic ground rules. To start, establish times when you cannot be accessed. Use this as a time where you can be disconnected and have real-world experiences, whether it a be a workout or going to church.

Leading a Family

April 30, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

What does it mean to serve as the head of a family?

A family is really an oven, growing people to be the best they can be, to learn their talents, to feel loved, to feel like they have choices, etc. To lead a family unit is to influence your kin to be the best oven of growth possible.

As a household leader (which usually means a Mom or a Dad), you’re going to influence your family; it’s up to you to create a place where all the elements of growth and the kids’ work come together.

If you are leading with integrity, that means you’re working hard, God’s working hard, and really good things happen. Leadership is an influence.

Why Is Leading A Family Important?

First off, leading a family is an expression of love. I mean, one of the primary feelings we feel inside is that we love our kids. When you have kids, they can sort-of drive you crazy, but they’re also the people you love more than anything in the world.

Simple fact – kids can’t do it on their own.

By definition, a kid can’t lead a family. Sometimes, you see this happening with absent and dysfunctional parents when you’ve got somebody 11 years old who has to be a grown-up. This isn’t fair – kids can’t do it.

Basically, a parent is the person who has the maturity, structure, and all the tolerance and wisdom to pull it off. You can’t expect a child to have these things and lead a family!

Another important thing about leading a family is you really want to work yourself out of a job. Your job as a good parent, really as a good leader of a family, is to work yourself out of a job. Your goal should be to be fired, so to speak, one future day at the right time. If you’re always somebody’s parent at 25, and 35, and 45, you’ve still got children.

When you think about it like this, the end goal for your children is really autonomy. The goal in leading a family is for your kids go out and win the world themselves.

Your job as a family leader is to help your kids be self-sufficient and find their life in their own way.

When In Doubt, Be Warm

Another thing about leading a family is, sometimes it can be tough! When in doubt, move to warmth, and when there’s still doubt, move to strictness.

In great meta-studies, researchers found out that warmth and strictness from parents made for highly-functioning children over a long period of time.

So, what is warmth? Simply put, it’s just getting on their level and talking to them about life. Learn and apply listening skills and get them to open up.

Part of being the leader of a family is applying appropriate strictness. Functional families need boundaries, house rules, ground rules, consequences, and values.

This also means that you’ve got to be the one with a thick skin and let people hate you. This is how families grow together. I mean, it’s a tale as old as time – kids must hate you (respectfully) and rebel, which will ultimately result in (fair) consequences. The big thing is that you can’t take this personally – it’s part of growing up and they will grow out of it.

Final Thoughts

Part of leading a family is giving your kids room to grow. Be the good parent that lets them make other friends. Keep in mind that they’ve got to be the right friends, hopefully, with good parents, you can trust You don’t want your kids to be around toxic friends, but if you’ve done your job right you won’t have to worry about this. Instead, learn when to start letting go of the reins a bit and trust your kids to pick the right people to spend their time with.

Struggling to connect with your children? Get real-world guidance today from TownsendNOW!

Great Conversations

April 9, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Great conversations can be a really important part of your life. What is a good conversation? It’s a dialogue between two people. It’s not a monologue.

Secondly, and one of the outcomes, is information.

Thirdly, the potential for self-improvement. There are a lot of conversations I’ve been in where I’m a better person because of having been around that person.

Many times, improvement, growth, and change can be a big part of it, but it’s not always necessary.

Why is This Important in the First Place?

First off, a transfer of nutrients. The way people grow and thrive in life and succeed is because we give each other nutrients to grow. The nutrients of encouragement and attunement and then the nutrients of wisdom and feedback and all these sorts of things.

A second reason it’s important is that those great conversations are self-reinforcing. A good conversation will reinforce many more.

Third of all, I think great conversations are milestones for great decisions.

So What Do You Do About It?

Let me give you the skills that really work. One is to take initiative. Don’t wait for someone to draw you out. Be a grown-up, ask them how they’re doing but you be the first mover.

Another very important one is to move toward vulnerability. When somebody opens up and says something about themselves like a struggle or a challenge they’re having, you say, “I had no idea you had a kid that was struggling. I had no idea that you weren’t happy with your job. Tell me more about that.” People in great conversations and great conversationalists are always moving toward the vulnerability of the other person. They’re vulnerable themselves. That’s where the real payoff is.

There’s also kind of a process here. Good conversations move from events to deeper matters.

One is feelings.
Another one is relationships in general.
Another one is no hijacking the football. If you are talking about something of interest, you go mutual. You pass it back and forth.
Finally, go for mutuality. Just make that your goal in a good conversation.

Become a TownsendNOW member today to learn more about great conversations and to get the answers you can’t find anywhere else!

Who Are “Safe People?”

March 9, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Simply put, a safe person is someone who influences you to be the person you were designed to be. It’s just that simple. It’s a person in your life who influences you. They encourage you.

Safe people are the engine that helps influence and structure the person you were designed to BE. Not the person you are NOW. I hope I’m safe for some people and I’ve got safe people around me.

Let me give you just a brief list of the nutrients that people provide for us. They accept us. They don’t judge us. They know, even with our flaws and our failings and our fears, that they’re okay with us and we’re okay with them. Safe people give us the truth. Sometimes they give us hard feedback. Safe people give us the tough talk we need sometimes.

On the other hand, the wrong kinds of people can really help you make the worst decisions.

When you meet certain people, do you feel like you need a nap afterward? I want my people in my life after I’ve been around them, to feel energized like, “Okay, I’m a better person. They have influenced me and I’ve influenced them to be the person we were designed to be.”

When you’re around people that bring you down, you don’t feel like yourself anymore or like you’ve fallen backward. You want to always be moving forward.

Here’s the problem: sometimes we don’t know how to pick. Sometimes, we pick the wrong people. Some of us have a little neon sign on our forehead that says, “Hi, 1-800-use-me.” We don’t pick people. Instead, people pick us because we’re useful, helpful, loving, and all that.

I want to help you change that.