faith

Leading a Family

April 30, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

What does it mean to serve as the head of a family?

A family is really an oven, growing people to be the best they can be, to learn their talents, to feel loved, to feel like they have choices, etc. To lead a family unit is to influence your kin to be the best oven of growth possible.

As a household leader (which usually means a Mom or a Dad), you’re going to influence your family; it’s up to you to create a place where all the elements of growth and the kids’ work come together.

If you are leading with integrity, that means you’re working hard, God’s working hard, and really good things happen. Leadership is an influence.

Why Is Leading A Family Important?

First off, leading a family is an expression of love. I mean, one of the primary feelings we feel inside is that we love our kids. When you have kids, they can sort-of drive you crazy, but they’re also the people you love more than anything in the world.

Simple fact – kids can’t do it on their own.

By definition, a kid can’t lead a family. Sometimes, you see this happening with absent and dysfunctional parents when you’ve got somebody 11 years old who has to be a grown-up. This isn’t fair – kids can’t do it.

Basically, a parent is the person who has the maturity, structure, and all the tolerance and wisdom to pull it off. You can’t expect a child to have these things and lead a family!

Another important thing about leading a family is you really want to work yourself out of a job. Your job as a good parent, really as a good leader of a family, is to work yourself out of a job. Your goal should be to be fired, so to speak, one future day at the right time. If you’re always somebody’s parent at 25, and 35, and 45, you’ve still got children.

When you think about it like this, the end goal for your children is really autonomy. The goal in leading a family is for your kids go out and win the world themselves.

Your job as a family leader is to help your kids be self-sufficient and find their life in their own way.

When In Doubt, Be Warm

Another thing about leading a family is, sometimes it can be tough! When in doubt, move to warmth, and when there’s still doubt, move to strictness.

In great meta-studies, researchers found out that warmth and strictness from parents made for highly-functioning children over a long period of time.

So, what is warmth? Simply put, it’s just getting on their level and talking to them about life. Learn and apply listening skills and get them to open up.

Part of being the leader of a family is applying appropriate strictness. Functional families need boundaries, house rules, ground rules, consequences, and values.

This also means that you’ve got to be the one with a thick skin and let people hate you. This is how families grow together. I mean, it’s a tale as old as time – kids must hate you (respectfully) and rebel, which will ultimately result in (fair) consequences. The big thing is that you can’t take this personally – it’s part of growing up and they will grow out of it.

Final Thoughts

Part of leading a family is giving your kids room to grow. Be the good parent that lets them make other friends. Keep in mind that they’ve got to be the right friends, hopefully, with good parents, you can trust You don’t want your kids to be around toxic friends, but if you’ve done your job right you won’t have to worry about this. Instead, learn when to start letting go of the reins a bit and trust your kids to pick the right people to spend their time with.

Struggling to connect with your children? Get real-world guidance today from TownsendNOW!

Great Conversations

April 9, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Great conversations can be a really important part of your life. What is a good conversation? It’s a dialogue between two people. It’s not a monologue.

Secondly, and one of the outcomes, is information.

Thirdly, the potential for self-improvement. There are a lot of conversations I’ve been in where I’m a better person because of having been around that person.

Many times, improvement, growth, and change can be a big part of it, but it’s not always necessary.

Why is This Important in the First Place?

First off, a transfer of nutrients. The way people grow and thrive in life and succeed is because we give each other nutrients to grow. The nutrients of encouragement and attunement and then the nutrients of wisdom and feedback and all these sorts of things.

A second reason it’s important is that those great conversations are self-reinforcing. A good conversation will reinforce many more.

Third of all, I think great conversations are milestones for great decisions.

So What Do You Do About It?

Let me give you the skills that really work. One is to take initiative. Don’t wait for someone to draw you out. Be a grown-up, ask them how they’re doing but you be the first mover.

Another very important one is to move toward vulnerability. When somebody opens up and says something about themselves like a struggle or a challenge they’re having, you say, “I had no idea you had a kid that was struggling. I had no idea that you weren’t happy with your job. Tell me more about that.” People in great conversations and great conversationalists are always moving toward the vulnerability of the other person. They’re vulnerable themselves. That’s where the real payoff is.

There’s also kind of a process here. Good conversations move from events to deeper matters.

One is feelings.
Another one is relationships in general.
Another one is no hijacking the football. If you are talking about something of interest, you go mutual. You pass it back and forth.
Finally, go for mutuality. Just make that your goal in a good conversation.

Become a TownsendNOW member today to learn more about great conversations and to get the answers you can’t find anywhere else!

Who Are “Safe People?”

March 9, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Simply put, a safe person is someone who influences you to be the person you were designed to be. It’s just that simple. It’s a person in your life who influences you. They encourage you.

Safe people are the engine that helps influence and structure the person you were designed to BE. Not the person you are NOW. I hope I’m safe for some people and I’ve got safe people around me.

Let me give you just a brief list of the nutrients that people provide for us. They accept us. They don’t judge us. They know, even with our flaws and our failings and our fears, that they’re okay with us and we’re okay with them. Safe people give us the truth. Sometimes they give us hard feedback. Safe people give us the tough talk we need sometimes.

On the other hand, the wrong kinds of people can really help you make the worst decisions.

When you meet certain people, do you feel like you need a nap afterward? I want my people in my life after I’ve been around them, to feel energized like, “Okay, I’m a better person. They have influenced me and I’ve influenced them to be the person we were designed to be.”

When you’re around people that bring you down, you don’t feel like yourself anymore or like you’ve fallen backward. You want to always be moving forward.

Here’s the problem: sometimes we don’t know how to pick. Sometimes, we pick the wrong people. Some of us have a little neon sign on our forehead that says, “Hi, 1-800-use-me.” We don’t pick people. Instead, people pick us because we’re useful, helpful, loving, and all that.

I want to help you change that.

Grace and Truth

March 2, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Grace and truth are vital parts of your spiritual and personal growth.

First, let’s talk about grace. Grace is that the other person is for us. They’re on our side. That “for” could be a lot of things. It can be acceptance, support, good listening, or it could be encouragement.

Truth is information. It’s facts. It’s data. It’s reality. Truth comes from so many sources. Truth comes from the Bible. Something good or something you need to change.

Think about how these work for a second. See, grace really means something when someone goes into the negative aspects of who you are. The judged aspects, the embarrassing aspects, the shameful aspects. When you feel grace from that, you really understand grace.

In relationships, grace and truth are essential nutrients for growth. It takes a lot for a person to grow emotionally and relationally. It’s just like all the nutrients we need to take in through food and supplements.

We talk about protein, carbs, fat, vitamins and minerals. Just like our body needs those categories to take in and eat, you have to have grace and truth for the rest of your life to grow.

One of the ways to understand the relationship between the two is that truth is sort of like a protective framework or a skeleton. Grace is the heart of who you are, while truth is the strong framework that keeps it from being hurt or damaged. Truth protects us.

Grace without truth is a lot more fun, but grace without truth really leads to license and chaos. You got to have both.

The relationship between grace and truth is very important. Make sure, when you’ve got truth to tell someone, that you express it within a context of grace, “I’m for you,” and listening to them so they understand and feel. Convey that you’re for them in your body language, the words you use, empathy, and your eye contact. When you express it to them in a way they can understand it, you’ll get a lot more change, openness, and positive feelings back from them because you had grace.

Your Personal Growth Strategy

December 27, 2017 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

During year’s end, and often in the early parts of the new year, most leaders do some sort of long-range planning so that things will be more productive, fruitful or profitable over time. This is where strategies and new approaches can really pay off for both the leader and the organization. Thoughtful evaluation, analysis, and strategies are keys to all levels of success.

And yet there is also a living, breathing person underneath your leadership hat. That person is you. Just as your organization needs long-term growth planning, so do you!

The return on investment is great for the leader who takes a little time out to plan a personal growth strategy. What do we mean by, “personal growth strategy?” Basically, it involves addressing your spiritual, relational and emotional life in ways that will help you grow and be a better, more fulfilled and productive person. Leaders who do tasks well, but neglect their internal worlds, are often ultimately in jeopardy in both areas. So it pays off to take a look at your life below the hat. Here are some tips and guidelines for doing that.

Go deeper than the obvious. Often, when working on the personal arena, leaders will assume they need to look at activities such as losing weight, working out, spending more time with spouses and kids, having regular devotionals, and getting involved in a small group. While these are important matters, it would be helpful to add to them some deeper elements of growth which drive your activities, your vision, and life. Don’t avoid areas of struggle that you find keep you from being the leader you would like to be.

For example, ask yourself:

-What is the quality of my relationships at work and in life? Am I able to open up and be vulnerable to those who are safe? Or is it hard for me to trust others?

-What is the place of relationship at work for me? Do I get more into the “task” end of things, and forget the feelings of others? Or do I have the opposite problem?

-How honest am I in my relationships? Do I avoid confronting others when it is needed? Or am I able to be direct and loving with people in my life?

-Can I make my choices even when it disappoints others? Am I able to freely make the right decisions, based on God, wisdom and good values? Or do I find myself caught not wanting others to have negative reactions to me?

Once you have found a few of these that mean something to you, you are on the way! You are now addressing concerns that affect your leadership, and all aspects of life.

Get resourced. The fact that you have identified areas of growth for yourself means something important: that you haven’t attained what you want in these areas yet. And that probably also means that you can’t pull this off, in your own strength, willpower and resolve. So give up on trying harder! It’s overrated: “What I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do (Rom. 7:15).” The answer is to reach outside of yourself and get resourced. Ask God for His help, by Word, and by Spirit. Go to experienced guides and mentors who have been down the road in your area of concern. Find books, groups, and information on your issues. There is a wealth of resourcing available. No more Lone Ranger growth.

Make your plans and goals. By the end of ’18, what would you like to look back on and see? A significant increase in how you trust, and in your ability to choose safe people? A better balance of being both relational and task-oriented as a leader? Is it easier to confront and be honest with others? Can you let down people and still make the right decisions?

These sorts of goals aren’t highly quantifiable, as revenues, profits, and numbers of people in a ministry might be. But if you pay attention to these, and listen to the feedback of others, you will see real change.

Here is an example of a plan: Say you want to become more vulnerable and accessible to those around you. You read up, pray up, and start meeting regularly with those who know these matters.

You let them know why this is hard for you, and what you may fear, or not have the ability to do. These people surround you, make it safe for you, practice opening up with you, and give you grace and feedback. You find that you are able to open up more, and you bring that ability from your support network to your family and trusted work relationships. They give you positive feedback (hopefully!) and the cycle continues. It’s a little different from a spreadsheet, but the point is this: your personal growth efforts should bear fruit in change that you and that others will see and experience.

So carve out some “growth hours” for yourself and see a difference in ’18. God bless you.

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion; until the day of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1:6

The Secret of the Two Types of Pain

November 5, 2017 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Pain, or discomfort, is a normal part of life. For example, it’s painful and uncomfortable to deal with:

Interpersonal conflicts
Family issues
Professional conflicts, including stress and miscommunications
The demands of everyday life
Grief

The list goes on. But, those who have discovered the secret of understanding and dealing with the two types of pain are more likely to be successful.

Things will go much smoother once you are able to deal with discomfort.

I talk about these ideas for leaders in my book, “The Entitlement Cure:”

Symptom Pain: A challenge must be addressed, which makes you uncomfortable. It is a symptom with a cause underneath it, just the way a fever is the symptom of an infection, and the way a lit-up oil gauge is the symptom of an engine problem. The function of symptom pain is simply to let you know it’s time to figure out what’s really going on. The items I referenced above are symptoms. They bother us and take our attention, but they are driven by something deeper. When you feel something wrong in your gut, you can then transition that feeling to the second kind of pain, ‘success pain’.

Success Pain: Success pain is discomfort from doing whatever it takes to root out the cause of the symptom to break down what is really going on? It is uncomfortable to take antibiotics, take time off from work when they need you at the office, or to modify your food intake and activities. But, that resolves the fever. It is uncomfortable to take your car to the mechanic, get a rental for the day, and pay for the cost of repairing the engine. But, that is the only way to get your car fixed.

It is painful to do the work to figure out what the real root of the problem is. It is also uncomfortable and takes significant energy to then figure out what’s happening. However, that sort of investment will pay off in time.