growth

School Shootings: How You Can Think and Act About Them

July 13, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Some of the most heartbreaking and disturbing feelings you can experience are in the aftermath of the tragedy of a school shooting.

It is something we were not designed to handle, as the depth of the loss is intense. The feelings we have tend to be a combination of horror, sadness, anger and being overwhelmed.

We are horrified by knowing kids, our most vulnerable population, are being killed. Our sadness is a reflection of our compassion for these children and their families, in which life has been marked forever. Anger comes against the murderer, creating a desire for justice. And the overwhelmed part is because there is so much division in our country about what can solve this.

There are some ways to think about this controversial issue, and some things we can do, that will help. Here are some tips:

Get clear.

Neuroscience teaches us that our minds do not do well in an overwhelmed state. When we see a video of a shooting and then feel the emotions I described, our brains go into the amygdala mode, which is our reactive, fight-or-flight mode. The strength of these strong and conflicting emotions can, over time, keep us upset, feeling paralyzed, and not being able to let this go and deal with our normal lives.

This is no solution for how to solve the issue, nor is it one what is good for your personal life either. So get clear: make sure you are talking to safe people in your life who can really hear how much emotion you feel. You don’t want to be alone with those feelings.

Also, study the issue, don’t ignore it. Ignorance adds to the confusion, and information clarifies. Figure out which of the experts and solutions make sense to you. Take a stance, even though it isn’t perfect. You will simplify your mind’s clarity and be able to handle what you think about the situation.

Think in terms of balance.

We need to deal with the symptom of the problem, which is that, in the current environment, our schools need systems for protection and security. And we need to deal with the causes as well. There are several causes that are being investigated, with mental illness, gun control, and criminal behavior being some of the most discussed ones.

An approach that only addresses the symptoms is bound to ultimately fail, as is the cause-focused approach as well. If a doctor has a patient with a raging fever, she will certainly give him something for his discomfort, but she will also examine him for a bacterial, viral, or other cause, to solve the underlying problem.

Don’t be the hand-wringer. Be a solver.

Unfortunately, we tend to move into “it’s all going to hell in a handbasket” conversations when we see the horror and devastation of these school shooting tragedies. We certainly all need time and conversations to process this, in order to digest the data in our brains.

But, once you have done that, stay away from those conversations that don’t go anywhere after a while, except into helplessness and bitterness. They aren’t good for you or the schools.

I was at a dinner of friends recently where a few people got into the topic, and it was going nowhere except into more unproductive, helpless and angry feelings. Then, one of the people in the group said, “We’ve talked about this a lot, and it’s important. Can we either come up with our ideas for solutions or change the subject?” The result was that several people had some good ideas, and it became a more helpful conversation.

Our kids and our schools deserve the most thoughtful solutions possible. We need to all look for answers.

3 Ways to Keep Anxiety From Taking Control of Your Life

June 26, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Everyone feels anxious every now and again. Anxiety is just a fact of life and a perfectly normal emotion. Unfortunately, though, certain life events can lead us to feel a little more than just normal anxiety. These events might include your children getting married and starting families, the death of a loved one, job loss or transition.

All of these life events can cause an overwhelming sense of dread, which is not a healthy way to go through life.

What Does Anxiety Feel Like?

Anxiety, as an emotion, can stem from anything that is stressful or disconcerting. These days, some people experience this emotion simply by watching the news for a few minutes!

So, what happens when you experience anxiety physically?

First, you enter a heightened state of consciousness. You’re more alert.
Second, you feel some kind of fear about the future or the situation. There’s a dread, like something bad is coming.
Third, you have a fear and must be ready for action. That’s where the body gets involved. Your heart beats faster and you’re breathing faster because you’re preparing to get out of danger. Think of it like the “fight or flight” methodology.

Before I talk about the right way to approach feelings of anxiety, I want to first tell you about a few wrong ways approaches to anxiety.

Don’t ignore your anxiety! Despite what you may think, “I gotta just push through” mentality is not healthy. It’s a really bad idea to ignore your anxiety because the emotion is trying to tell you something. Ignoring anxiety can potentially lead to bad decisions, poor choices, and even health problems.

Similarly, stop shaming yourself about anxiety. Don’t make yourself feel bad for experiencing this very normal emotion. Don’t shame yourself and say, “I shouldn’t be feeling like this, I’m being a wimp, I’m being a kid.” No more shaming! Your anxiety is a valid emotion!

3 Healthy Ways to Overcome Anxiety

So far, we’ve agreed to stop ignoring and shaming our anxiety. Now, let me share some healthy ways to deal with anxiety.

Be in a relationship. This can be any relationship with someone who knows you deal with anxiety. Find three or four friends who you can reach out to and say, “From time to time, I deal with anxiety and I need to know I can call you and just say, ‘Can we talk, can you kind of get me off the ledge?'” This must be a relationship where you can comfortably express your feelings. Part of this relationship will require them to give you advice or guidance like, “Why don’t you go jog or go pray?” or something like that. Whatever they suggest should help get your emotions out of the cycle of anxiety by suggesting other activities.
Give yourself a pep talk. I am a huge advocate of taking a moment and reciting the Serenity Prayer to yourself. Say to yourself, “God help me to know the difference between the things I can change, and can’t change, and wisdom to know the difference.” This may seem like a small thing, but it can help change your mindset and start moving forward out of your anxious emotion.
See a therapist. If your anxiety reaches a point where it becomes unmanageable, including impacting your work or home life, it’s time to seek professional help. They can help you sort through what’s going on and what’s driving your anxiety. You can also consider seeing a psychiatrist for medication.

Hard times and anxiety come and go. When you start to feel those anxious emotions, it’s very important to take steps to overcome anxiety before it gets the best of you and disrupts your life in a way that can’t be fixed. I believe you have the faith, hope, and love to overcome anxiety and any other challenge you’re facing.

6 Healthy Ways to Handle Critical People

June 18, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

You’ve probably heard the old saying, “everyone is a critic.” This is our way of saying we all have opinions on one subject or another. In general, most people can have disagreements without escalation. When this happens, everyone comes into the disagreement with a healthy approach, and most leave the conversation better for having a good, healthy interaction.

But, sometimes we have to disagree with difficult people. You have probably had to deal with a difficult person in your life. Whether in-person on their computer or mobile device, difficult people are out there. (They are everywhere, actually!)

Whether we like it or not, we’ll have to deal with them with the same grace and truth we apply to all realms of our lives.

Change Your Perspective

Now, I’m going to give you some insight into how to work with critical people for a healthier outcome.

The core issue of a critical person is that when they face a problem, they negate the good. That’s no good. That’s not the healthy way to deal with problems!

Everybody has some level of critical analysis when it comes to problem-solving. That’s perfectly fine. You have to say, “Well, I screwed up there, or we have a cultural problem here, or we have an organization problem here, or whatever.”

It’s not that they see bad things per se. Instead, they negate the good. Even though life’s tough, it should be more positive than negative. Pretty simple right? So, critical people tend to be way out of balance.

We must ask ourselves where this comes from. You have to understand where critical people come from just to see they’re not making this up.

So how does one become a critical person? Let’s look at that next. Where does the problem start?

Family of origin: Sometimes, they have a family of origin issues where they were raised around a lot of criticism and that became the norm.
Environment: Some people are just around negative people all their lives and assume that’s just a normal way to communicate.
The Receiving End: Sometimes a person is the recipient of a lot of criticism.
Disappointment: A lot of times, at a deep level, critical people have been disappointed so much that it’s a way to avoid taking a risk and saying this is what I want.

Get Control Over It

You’ve probably got a critical person in your life; we all have that one person (or possibly more) who can’t seem to see the good in any situation. Here are a few simple truths that hopefully help you gain some control over the situation.

Forget about pleasing them: I’m sorry to say it, but you can’t please them! They’re unpleasable because they’re critical! They move the goalpost so that the goal is unattainable. Don’t try to please them, you will just be spinning your wheels.
Don’t get involved in power struggles: Do not escalate the disagreement to show them that you’re “more alpha.” Male alpha or female alpha, don’t show them that you’re an alpha because they can escalate till the cows come home. No good. Waste of time.

I’ve covered what not to do above. Now, let’s get into a few healthy ways to handle critical people.

6 Healthy Ways to Handle Critical People

Hear them: Just say, “Help me understand.” The road to solving problems comes when people feel heard.
Understand they didn’t come in a vacuum: This disagreement did not occur in a vacuum, they got to this critical point from somewhere, so it gives you a sense of patience and empathy for them.

Let them know how you feel: That awareness will help the lights come on. They will often go, “Well, tell me when I do that again.”

Ask them what they want: Ask them to say what they desire. Make them be specific! Because remember, they’re probably dealing with defending against disappointment and so they are more identified by what they do not want than what they do want.
Affirm the baby steps: It’s hard for a critical person to be balanced and look at the good because the good never meant anything good for them. So when they finally say, “Well, I just want to tell the team good job. That’s all I got to say.” That’s when, you know, pop the cork, have a big party, thank you. We need to know that and don’t let them say, “But you need to do these other things.” No, that’s not okay. Affirm the baby steps, it’s hard work for them. Write down a couple of vulnerabilities, it’ll really give you power and control over that.
Request more positives: Let them know that they can keep the negatives and that they need to add to the positives. You are trying to redo the way their brain works. Then, you can really repair the relationship and make them happier and a better place to work with and be a friend to them.

It will be difficult, especially at first, but I promise you that this kind of stuff works. Just like you, critical people have goals, desires, and wants. You can be an advocate for the person and share warmth for a healthy outcome.

When working with a critical person, you might need help with the conversation. TownsendNOW can give you the Christian-based guidance you’re seeking.

4 Steps To Dealing With Failure In A Healthy Way

May 29, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

God designed you for many wonderful purposes! He made you so your self-image would be your friend and ally. A positive self-image will help you make great choices, find your passions, and succeed in all walks of life. It was also designed to help you fail well.

Let’s face it – failure is going to happen to you at some point in your life.

Read my recent blog on dealing with failure as a starting point.

Healthy self-image can help you learn to fail in redemptive ways.

People with a healthy and accurate self-image don’t have a big problem with failure. Why is that? It’s because they have harnessed the ability to fail well.

How Does a Healthy Self-Image Help Us Fail Well?

The idea of failing well might be a new concept to some of you. That’s okay.

Let me explain how it should work when we fail. You should experience five stages:

Disappointment: That was a bummer; I’m sad about this.
Leaning on God: I need his help and wisdom in this.
Support: I think I need to call my friend Pat about this and get some face time.
Learning: What was my contribution to this problem? What do I need to change?
Adaptation: It’s time to swing the bat again and try things a different way.

Training our brains to learn lessons and grow from failure is the key to failing in a healthy way. Following the five steps outlined above will help you to learn as time goes on.

Entitlement Can Hurt Failing Well

Entitlement cripples your ability to fail well and hampers your capacity to learn and grow from failure. Research has shown that entitlement creates a paradox of self-images within us, one external and the other internal. This means the two self-images we have are in conflict.

The person with entitlement looks confident about themselves on the outside, to the point of arrogance or cockiness. They don’t need to prepare a talk, practice a golf swing, or take a course on building a resume. The external self-image says, “I am above all that because I am special.”

Given what we’ve seen and experienced personally with entitled people, we might expect this. What we might not expect is the existence of a different self-image deeper within the entitled person–one that is insecure and afraid, and above all, risk-averse.

The entitled person is deathly afraid of taking a risk and failing.

An Example of a Double Self-Image

I have a friend whose parents encouraged him to pursue what he was gifted at (and could do easily) but avoided pushing him in areas he would have to work hard in to be successful. He was a talented musician but didn’t like math. So they let him slide in math and kept him focused on music.

The result? As an adult, he loves his music, but has great difficulty in his financial life and has been in serious trouble with his money.

Because of his double self-image, he doesn’t try to face his financial challenges. Instead, he freezes up and avoids his money issues because he is overwhelmed when dealing with matters that are hard for him. Unfortunately, dealing with difficult matters is a skill his parents never forced him to learn while young. You don’t want your child, spouse, or employee to have this experience!

The Simple Solution

How can you begin to fail well? Start by helping people to feel competent because they are competent (not to just make them feel good about themselves). The young baseball player doesn’t need groundless praise; he needs parents and coaches who will support his attempts to develop a better swing with hundreds of pitched balls until he starts connecting. The young grad student needs a job where she is around people as intelligent as she is, who challenge her and who help her wrestle with difficult matters.

People don’t first feel competent and then become competent. It’s the other way around. They become competent and then they feel competent. It is the history, the experience, the at-bats, that create a sense of “I can do this.” And before we reach that point, all we have is, “I have people who love and support me while I am not-yet-competent.” And that is enough.

How to Learn from Failure (in a Healthy Way)

I’m going to give you a few steps to take as you grow after a failure. These are internal steps you can take at your own pace.

The sequence, then, is this:

Positive self-talk. Before you achieve competence, you are loved, you are okay, you are supported by God and others. It is grace, the essence of love that is not performance-based: “Though I am not competent at this, I am loved” is the positive self-image at this stage.
Step out of your comfort zone. You try new things, and while no one does them well at first, the “loved” self-image carries the day.
Try, try again. You practice, learn, get advice, fail, and adapt.
It gets better. Gradually, you begin doing things better. Now the self-image says, “I am loved, and I am competent.”

This is what works. Love precedes confidence, but confidence can’t exist outside of failure and adaptation. When your self-image aligns with what is real and true about you — in other words, how God sees and experiences you — it works for you and not against you. This is the foundation of how we learn and grow from failure.

Admittedly, everyone struggles with failure. That’s okay. It’s normal. If you are wanting to learn more about how to grow from a failure, become a TownsendNOW member. Our Certified Coaches can guide you through the challenges and get you on the path to growth.

This article was curated from “The Entitlement Cure” by Dr. John Townsend.

Who Are “Safe People?”

March 9, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Simply put, a safe person is someone who influences you to be the person you were designed to be. It’s just that simple. It’s a person in your life who influences you. They encourage you.

Safe people are the engine that helps influence and structure the person you were designed to BE. Not the person you are NOW. I hope I’m safe for some people and I’ve got safe people around me.

Let me give you just a brief list of the nutrients that people provide for us. They accept us. They don’t judge us. They know, even with our flaws and our failings and our fears, that they’re okay with us and we’re okay with them. Safe people give us the truth. Sometimes they give us hard feedback. Safe people give us the tough talk we need sometimes.

On the other hand, the wrong kinds of people can really help you make the worst decisions.

When you meet certain people, do you feel like you need a nap afterward? I want my people in my life after I’ve been around them, to feel energized like, “Okay, I’m a better person. They have influenced me and I’ve influenced them to be the person we were designed to be.”

When you’re around people that bring you down, you don’t feel like yourself anymore or like you’ve fallen backward. You want to always be moving forward.

Here’s the problem: sometimes we don’t know how to pick. Sometimes, we pick the wrong people. Some of us have a little neon sign on our forehead that says, “Hi, 1-800-use-me.” We don’t pick people. Instead, people pick us because we’re useful, helpful, loving, and all that.

I want to help you change that.

The Two Types of Growth

January 14, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Life is all about self-improvement and growth. The happiest and most successful people have some structured commitment to a growth process.

It’s critical for you to understand these two types of growth in your own journey.

Optimizing Growth. I am referring here to the fact all of us have potential to do something or become someone at a higher level than we are currently. We were designed to reach our full potential and maximize our impact on the world.

Some examples of optimizing growth would be: identifying and developing your gifts and talents, finding your innate passions in work or service, landing on your mission in life, having great family and friend relationships, and being as in-shape and healthy as possible.

Some context for optimizing growth might be joining a career development group, hiring a coach, learning a sport or musical instrument, or starting a life team for personal growth.

Healing Growth. Everyone has problems. We’re all healing from something. Some are minor, others are major. This might refer to depression, anxiety, substance issues, addictions or relational struggles. Great healing is possible and probable when we pay attention to these in a structured context. The clinical and neurobiological research areas are very helpful here as well.