leadership

4 Components of Good Character

July 23, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

“It builds character.”

You’ve surely heard the phrase at least once in your life. Generally, that statement is said to a person after something negative has happened in their lives that they must now overcome. So, by now, you’ve probably heard it at least once.

Look, life is tough. It just is. I understand the struggles surrounding getting older, becoming parents and grandparents, upsizing, downsizing, illness, career transitions, grief – this list goes on and on. How you handle the ups and downs of life makes all the difference and can indeed build character.

What Exactly Is “Character?”

Admittedly, the definition of “character” is somewhat abstract.

I define it as having a set of abilities required to meet the demands of reality. Most of the time, we are not really in control of what’s happening around us. That’s okay. It’s part of God’s plan for us.

As you know, life has many requirements to function. As you get older, it goes from making the bed and tying your shoelaces to finding your life’s passion, marrying the right person, having a family, and eventually retiring to enjoy your golden years. All of that “stuff” requires character because none of it is easy at the outset.

To make life work, you must focus on character growth first, and not just the results you want in the end.

Why Is Character Growth Important?

There are two main reasons character growth is so critical to all aspects of your life.

First, everything starts with who you are on the inside. Who you are shapes how you behave. How you behave then becomes how you relate and how you relate becomes how you succeed.

So, it starts with the inside and works outward. We all want great relationships. Character growth allows how we are on the inside to create the warmth that radiates around us.

Secondly, character is important because life has lots of demands. They can be simple or they can be as complicated. Either way, life is demanding and your character shapes how you approach and handle these situations.

The Four Components of Good Character

Now, I’m going to break down the four components of good character. These will make all the difference for having a successful life.

1. Attachment: Attachment is the ability to trust and be vulnerable, to be able to open up to people and create a support network. These could be people who end up on your life team. You also understand that not everyone is safe or meant to be a part of that. Attachment means finding the right people to provide the nutrients you need for growth. Read about how to create your life team here.
2. Separation: Separation means the ability to have your own voice, make your own choices, and to be a free person. Because some people are very attached, they have relationships, but they feel guilty about speaking up and about disagreeing and confronting. This means they don’t have good boundaries. Separation and attachment need to balance each other out as you work on your character.
3. Integration: Integration means there are two kinds of realities in our life: There’s the positive realities of my strengths, good people, good experiences, and great mission in life. But, there are also negative realities, like my own brokenness, my own failure, my own losses, my own pains, how other people let me down, and how I’ve let other people down. Integration means I can live with the positives very well and I can embrace the negatives at the same time.
4. Maturity: Maturity means I am confident in who I am and I know why I’m here. Maybe you’ve raised a great family and have a wonderful career. Maybe you’ve learned to walk away from negative relationships. Maturity also means being able to take everyone’s needs into consideration when making important decisions, including your own.

So, what now? In your own life, start identifying those four character growth components and see where you have room for growth.

Life will not work until we have the character to make it work.

Leading a Family

April 30, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

What does it mean to serve as the head of a family?

A family is really an oven, growing people to be the best they can be, to learn their talents, to feel loved, to feel like they have choices, etc. To lead a family unit is to influence your kin to be the best oven of growth possible.

As a household leader (which usually means a Mom or a Dad), you’re going to influence your family; it’s up to you to create a place where all the elements of growth and the kids’ work come together.

If you are leading with integrity, that means you’re working hard, God’s working hard, and really good things happen. Leadership is an influence.

Why Is Leading A Family Important?

First off, leading a family is an expression of love. I mean, one of the primary feelings we feel inside is that we love our kids. When you have kids, they can sort-of drive you crazy, but they’re also the people you love more than anything in the world.

Simple fact – kids can’t do it on their own.

By definition, a kid can’t lead a family. Sometimes, you see this happening with absent and dysfunctional parents when you’ve got somebody 11 years old who has to be a grown-up. This isn’t fair – kids can’t do it.

Basically, a parent is the person who has the maturity, structure, and all the tolerance and wisdom to pull it off. You can’t expect a child to have these things and lead a family!

Another important thing about leading a family is you really want to work yourself out of a job. Your job as a good parent, really as a good leader of a family, is to work yourself out of a job. Your goal should be to be fired, so to speak, one future day at the right time. If you’re always somebody’s parent at 25, and 35, and 45, you’ve still got children.

When you think about it like this, the end goal for your children is really autonomy. The goal in leading a family is for your kids go out and win the world themselves.

Your job as a family leader is to help your kids be self-sufficient and find their life in their own way.

When In Doubt, Be Warm

Another thing about leading a family is, sometimes it can be tough! When in doubt, move to warmth, and when there’s still doubt, move to strictness.

In great meta-studies, researchers found out that warmth and strictness from parents made for highly-functioning children over a long period of time.

So, what is warmth? Simply put, it’s just getting on their level and talking to them about life. Learn and apply listening skills and get them to open up.

Part of being the leader of a family is applying appropriate strictness. Functional families need boundaries, house rules, ground rules, consequences, and values.

This also means that you’ve got to be the one with a thick skin and let people hate you. This is how families grow together. I mean, it’s a tale as old as time – kids must hate you (respectfully) and rebel, which will ultimately result in (fair) consequences. The big thing is that you can’t take this personally – it’s part of growing up and they will grow out of it.

Final Thoughts

Part of leading a family is giving your kids room to grow. Be the good parent that lets them make other friends. Keep in mind that they’ve got to be the right friends, hopefully, with good parents, you can trust You don’t want your kids to be around toxic friends, but if you’ve done your job right you won’t have to worry about this. Instead, learn when to start letting go of the reins a bit and trust your kids to pick the right people to spend their time with.

Struggling to connect with your children? Get real-world guidance today from TownsendNOW!

Leading a Team

April 23, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

The basic idea of leading a team is to influence a small group of individuals to perform at levels that they could not without you. In other words, they can do something without you, but your influence and guidance has them perform at a higher and better level. If they could do it without you, you don’t need a leader, but as you’ll see, they do need one.

Why is Leading a Team Important?

The research is clear – teams do better when there’s a good leader. They perform better, are more motivated, and more engaged because they’ve got someone that they know they can trust. It’s not even a question if you’ve got a team that has no leader and a team that has a leader, all things being equal, the team with the leader does better. But secondly, as the team goes, so goes the organization.

So if you get the team going right, you’ve got a much better probability of success in the entire organization.

Another reason this is important is that a team puts together intimacy. Teams have to learn to connect and be together.

Tips For Leading a Team

First, the leader’s supposed to advocate for the mission.

Secondly, developing trust. Every team leader must develop trust not just toward yourself, but also within the members. They have to learn how to trust each other enough to have hard conversations, to make mistakes with each other, to know they’re safe with each other.

Third, remember to get their views before you give your view. A mistake team leaders make is putting their opinion first. You’re supposed to set the tone, but then your other job is to tease out what they’re thinking.

Fourth, create a path. Sometimes, we call that a strategic path, sometimes we call it a path to growth, but that’s your job. You don’t have to do that by yourself, but you’re the one that’s got to make sure it happens.

Your Personal Growth Strategy

December 27, 2017 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

During year’s end, and often in the early parts of the new year, most leaders do some sort of long-range planning so that things will be more productive, fruitful or profitable over time. This is where strategies and new approaches can really pay off for both the leader and the organization. Thoughtful evaluation, analysis, and strategies are keys to all levels of success.

And yet there is also a living, breathing person underneath your leadership hat. That person is you. Just as your organization needs long-term growth planning, so do you!

The return on investment is great for the leader who takes a little time out to plan a personal growth strategy. What do we mean by, “personal growth strategy?” Basically, it involves addressing your spiritual, relational and emotional life in ways that will help you grow and be a better, more fulfilled and productive person. Leaders who do tasks well, but neglect their internal worlds, are often ultimately in jeopardy in both areas. So it pays off to take a look at your life below the hat. Here are some tips and guidelines for doing that.

Go deeper than the obvious. Often, when working on the personal arena, leaders will assume they need to look at activities such as losing weight, working out, spending more time with spouses and kids, having regular devotionals, and getting involved in a small group. While these are important matters, it would be helpful to add to them some deeper elements of growth which drive your activities, your vision, and life. Don’t avoid areas of struggle that you find keep you from being the leader you would like to be.

For example, ask yourself:

-What is the quality of my relationships at work and in life? Am I able to open up and be vulnerable to those who are safe? Or is it hard for me to trust others?

-What is the place of relationship at work for me? Do I get more into the “task” end of things, and forget the feelings of others? Or do I have the opposite problem?

-How honest am I in my relationships? Do I avoid confronting others when it is needed? Or am I able to be direct and loving with people in my life?

-Can I make my choices even when it disappoints others? Am I able to freely make the right decisions, based on God, wisdom and good values? Or do I find myself caught not wanting others to have negative reactions to me?

Once you have found a few of these that mean something to you, you are on the way! You are now addressing concerns that affect your leadership, and all aspects of life.

Get resourced. The fact that you have identified areas of growth for yourself means something important: that you haven’t attained what you want in these areas yet. And that probably also means that you can’t pull this off, in your own strength, willpower and resolve. So give up on trying harder! It’s overrated: “What I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do (Rom. 7:15).” The answer is to reach outside of yourself and get resourced. Ask God for His help, by Word, and by Spirit. Go to experienced guides and mentors who have been down the road in your area of concern. Find books, groups, and information on your issues. There is a wealth of resourcing available. No more Lone Ranger growth.

Make your plans and goals. By the end of ’18, what would you like to look back on and see? A significant increase in how you trust, and in your ability to choose safe people? A better balance of being both relational and task-oriented as a leader? Is it easier to confront and be honest with others? Can you let down people and still make the right decisions?

These sorts of goals aren’t highly quantifiable, as revenues, profits, and numbers of people in a ministry might be. But if you pay attention to these, and listen to the feedback of others, you will see real change.

Here is an example of a plan: Say you want to become more vulnerable and accessible to those around you. You read up, pray up, and start meeting regularly with those who know these matters.

You let them know why this is hard for you, and what you may fear, or not have the ability to do. These people surround you, make it safe for you, practice opening up with you, and give you grace and feedback. You find that you are able to open up more, and you bring that ability from your support network to your family and trusted work relationships. They give you positive feedback (hopefully!) and the cycle continues. It’s a little different from a spreadsheet, but the point is this: your personal growth efforts should bear fruit in change that you and that others will see and experience.

So carve out some “growth hours” for yourself and see a difference in ’18. God bless you.

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion; until the day of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1:6

The 3 Right Attitudes for Success

June 12, 2017 by Dr. John Townsend 1 Comment

Research has shown us that a major factor of what really drives our success, and pushes us through tough problems, is our attitude. The right attitude, at the right time, can make all the difference in the world.

Have you ever known someone who had all the advantages: opportunity, resources, intelligence and supportive people, but who somehow managed to lose in a big way, or just never went scale? Conversely, I have also known many people who had very little, and who encountered massive obstacles, and still came out on top. The difference is usually attitude.

Simply put, an attitude is a perspective, or a “spin” on yourself, others, or your circumstances. It is the lens you use to view your world.

The attitudes that I have found in some of the most uber-successful people I work with are below, along with skills you can apply today to develop them.

I belong |

This is the attitude that “I am not alone.” The attitude of belonging means that you always feel there are a few people in your life who you can turn to when you are overwhelmed, buried and stressed out, who will always have your back. People who have an attitude of belonging always know that no matter what goes down, they are not isolated, and someone has their back.

Skill | Find 3-4 people of character, whom you trust and become vulnerable with them. Bring them into how overwhelmed and stressed out you have been. You will be amazed at the focus and positivity that emerges from this.

I have power |

The attitude that “I am not helpless, and I can do something about my situation.” Successful people always look for a choice and they don’t give in to what the research calls learned helplessness, which is a feeling that no matter what you do, you will lose, so why not give up? Instead, they think, “I may have financial, strategic or cultural problems, but I also have enough power to make one great choice to change things here.”

Skill | Brainstorm with a trusted friend the toughest situation you are currently facing. Literally get in front of a whiteboard and write down 10 choices you can make (they may be difficult, but it’s movement). Then pick the one that will get you the most traction on the problem and execute it. That is acting on power. Note, this is not power over another. It is power over your life.

I’m OK even when I’m not OK |

A little bit of a word play, but this is the attitude that failure, even repeated failure, won’t get you down. You will resist the judge in your head who calls you a loser and disappointment and instead remember that every time you fail, you commit to learning something valuable. So failure (doing something not OK) doesn’t mean you’re not OK (a total loser).

Skill | Tell someone you trust the 3 toughest bad choices you’ve ever made (I’m serious about the “someone you trust”, there are lots of people who can’t handle who you really are, or would judge you, so pick carefully). Don’t minimize it or blame others, just say the raw reality. Then ask them what they think of you. The right person will say something like, “Yes, you’ve made some major mistakes. And I’m OK with you and I want to help you grow in life.” Success comes from knowing that we don’t have to pretend that we are someone we are not. And it comes from hearing that we are acceptable and connected even when we don’t feel so acceptable.

Attitudes can be everything. Just work on one of these this week. You’ve noticed that each skill involves another person to support you. If you don’t have someone, or someones, like that, read my book “How to Be a Best Friend Forever”, which will outline how to have those sorts of relationships.

Best to your leadership!

Key People Skills Essential for a Leader

May 17, 2017 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Neuroscience and performance research always comes down to two groups of skill sets that are necessary for a leader to succeed.

The first group is task skills. These are the “doing” aspects of running the organization, involving primarily guarding the mission, messaging the vision, setting the strategy, creating the structure, systems and operations, and ensuring execution. Every leader must know and monitor these.

The second group is people skills. These are the “relating” aspects, which center on creating inspiration, trust, healthy culture, challenge and team development. These skills are sometimes called the soft skills, but they actually are not. They are replicatable, research-based and metrically-proven skills that are just as critical as the task skills.

In my experience, most leaders are somewhere between 60-40 to 90-10, task over relationship. Their training has lent itself to strategy, metrics and accountability. But as the research continues to come out, it is increasingly important for the leader to learn several specific people abilities which drive everything. Here are the top 3:

Listening well. While leaders must clarify roles and expectations, they must also “read between the lines.” All too often, we let our people talk, but in our minds, we are formulating our response to them before they are finished. I often have my clients paraphrase what others are saying, asking, “Do I get your point of view now?”, before they respond.

Being professionally vulnerable. Leaders have been taught to be bulletproof, and not show weakness, for fear of discouraging their people. However, we are finding that people are actually drawn more to a boss who is open about their weaknesses and failures, and lets them know that they are working on improving.

Being direct and yet connected. Great leaders get right to the point when they have to say a hard truth to a direct. But they do not disconnect from their warmth and their care for their people. This is called integration, the ability to be honest and yet emotionally present. It is more difficult than you think. Learn to keep your eye contact and your connectedness, even during the tough talks.

Strategy and people skills integrate for the best performance. Best to your leadership.