Dr. John Townsend

Dr. John Townsend and his team offer executive coaching, corporate consulting, and leadership training in a variety or programs. Join us today!

relationships

Why the Family Separation/Detention Issue Touches Us

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The debate over immigration in the US is fierce and complex, and the issue of families being separated has taken the intensity to a new level. People are polarized on their views of this. No matter what you believe the solutions should be, you cannot help but feel deeply that this matters. Here are some thoughts about this, and what you can do to make sense of things.

We think in terms of family.  Our minds are designed so that we are a family-oriented species.  We started in a family, we grew up in a family, and most of us create our own families.  A family is where life starts and is developed. We hope to end our lives in the company of those family members we have loved for years. Even those of us who had struggling families still have a hope and a desire for a better and more loving family down the line.  We are even interested in others’ families, and how healthy they are. It’s just in our DNA. We can’t ignore the reality and importance of family.

Vulnerability requires priority.  The younger the child in a family, the more they must take a high priority in any decision.  Developmentally, younger children do not have the internal fortitude or skills to handle the stresses of life.  On a neurological level, their brains are unformed and vulnerable. That is why however this issue plays out, we must always put those who are less “able” at a high priority.  The imprinting of both healthy and harmful experiences will affect the entire lifetime of a young child, so we must have a focus on helping that go right.

We want to help, but don’t know how.  Millions of us read about and view the issue, and go away feeling a bit helpless, like “I can’t do anything about this.”  That sense of helplessness conflicts with our natural compassion for safe families where the young are protected. Those two feelings do not go together.  That is why the best route is to do something helpful, wherever you are on the debate. Read up on it. Investigate both sides without a bias. Get in touch with the decisionmakers on the position you have worked out for yourself, and ask them how you can help.  

Families cannot be ignored, because we can’t ignore a part of ourselves.  Pay attention to the issue, and support the best solution.

 

6 Healthy Ways to Handle Critical People

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You’ve probably heard the old saying, “everyone is a critic.” This is our way of saying we all have opinions on one subject or another. In general, most people can have disagreements without escalation. When this happens, everyone comes into the disagreement with a healthy approach, and most leave the conversation better for having a good, healthy interaction.

But, sometimes we have to disagree with difficult people. You have probably had to deal with a difficult person in your life. Whether in-person on their computer or mobile device, difficult people are out there. (They are everywhere, actually!)

Whether we like it or not, we’ll have to deal with them with the same grace and truth we apply to all realms of our lives.

Change Your Perspective

Now, I’m going to give you some insight into how to work with critical people for a healthier outcome.

The core issue of a critical person is that when they face a problem, they negate the good. That’s no good. That’s not the healthy way to deal with problems!

Everybody has some level of critical analysis when it comes to problem-solving. That’s perfectly fine. You have to say, “Well, I screwed up there, or we have a cultural problem here, or we have an organization problem here, or whatever.”

It’s not that they see bad things per se. Instead, they negate the good. Even though life’s tough, it should be more positive than negative. Pretty simple right? So, critical people tend to be way out of balance.

We must ask ourselves where this comes from. You have to understand where critical people come from just to see they’re not making this up.

So how does one become a critical person? Let’s look at that next. Where does the problem start?

  • Family of origin: Sometimes, they have a family of origin issues where they were raised around a lot of criticism and that became the norm.
  • Environment: Some people are just around negative people all their lives and assume that’s just a normal way to communicate.
  • The Receiving End: Sometimes a person is the recipient of a lot of criticism.
  • Disappointment: A lot of times, at a deep level, critical people have been disappointed so much that it’s a way to avoid taking a risk and saying this is what I want.

Get Control Over It

You’ve probably got a critical person in your life; we all have that one person (or possibly more) who can’t seem to see the good in any situation. Here are a few simple truths that hopefully help you gain some control over the situation.

  1. Forget about pleasing them: I’m sorry to say it, but you can’t please them! They’re unpleasable because they’re critical! They move the goalpost so that the goal is unattainable. Don’t try to please them, you will just be spinning your wheels.
  2. Don’t get involved in power struggles: Do not escalate the disagreement to show them that you’re “more alpha.” Male alpha or female alpha, don’t show them that you’re an alpha because they can escalate till the cows come home. No good. Waste of time.

I’ve covered what not to do above. Now, let’s get into a few healthy ways to handle critical people.

6 Healthy Ways to Handle Critical People

  • Hear them: Just say, “Help me understand.” The road to solving problems comes when people feel heard.
  • Understand they didn’t come in a vacuum: This disagreement did not occur in a vacuum, they got to this critical point from somewhere, so it gives you a sense of patience and empathy for them.
  • Let them know how you feel: That awareness will help the lights come on. They will often go, “Well, tell me when I do that again.”
  • Ask them what they want: Ask them to say what they desire. Make them be specific! Because remember, they’re probably dealing with defending against disappointment and so they are more identified by what they do not want than what they do want.
  • Affirm the baby steps: It’s hard for a critical person to be balanced and look at the good because the good never meant anything good for them. So when they finally say, “Well, I just want to tell the team good job. That’s all I got to say.” That’s when, you know, pop the cork, have a big party, thank you. We need to know that and don’t let them say, “But you need to do these other things.” No, that’s not okay. Affirm the baby steps, it’s hard work for them. Write down a couple of vulnerabilities, it’ll really give you power and control over that.
  • Request more positives: Let them know that they can keep the negatives and that they need to add to the positives. You are trying to redo the way their brain works.  Then, you can really repair the relationship and make them happier and a better place to work with and be a friend to them.

It will be difficult, especially at first, but I promise you that this kind of stuff works. Just like you, critical people have goals, desires, and wants. You can be an advocate for the person and share warmth for a healthy outcome.

When working with a critical person, you might need help with the conversation. TownsendNOW can give you the Christian-based guidance you’re seeking.

 

 

Follow These 3 Steps to Find Your Life Team

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Your life team is critically important to your wellbeing. This support system will help you overcome the challenges you face in the personal and professional realms.

I’m going to discuss my three-step process to help find those great people to have in your corner when the going gets tough below. Hopefully, you will be inspired to find your life team!

1. Identify Your Life Team

First of all, what is a life team? Let’s talk about this a little bit.

In your life, you are going to interact with thousands of people. Family, friends, classmates, coworkers, etc. Having the right kind of people in our lives is a great gift.

Think of your life path like your car. It needs fuel to get down the road. It needs proper maintenance to run correctly and keep you safe. By the same token, you also need the right kind of people in your life. Your life is there to help you accomplish the things you need to do to be successful.

They might offer you support in the following areas:

  • Take care of your family
  • Make the money you need
  • Have the right kind of job
  • Get up in the morning and feel good
  • Go work out. Have friends
  • Go take vacations
  • Achieve things

Do You Need a Life Team?

Maybe you are wondering if you actually need a life team in order to get the most out of your experiences. Let’s examine this a bit.

  • Do you ever feel overwhelmed by your to-do list at work at home?
  • Are you completely satisfied with your career?
  • Is your overall physical and emotional health where you want it to be?

Chances are, you have areas in your personal and professional growth that could use support.

When you aren’t able to make things happen on your own (without support), it’s time to consider changing your fueling system in your car. It’s time to make an effort to build your life team.

We tend to hang around the people in our lives because they chose us. Throughout life, you just kind of choose people who reciprocate. They might pick you because you’re nice, warm, have answers, or you’re kind.

If you really want to get the energy you need, as well as the resources, wisdom, and the smarts you need in life, you’re going to have to pick some people to change your fuel a little bit.

This doesn’t necessarily mean reject or condemn anybody. We all have friends at different levels. It just means you must make sure you’ve got the right people in your corner.

2. Understand Why a Life Team is Important for Growth

So now that you understand what a life team is, let’s talk a little bit about why you need to assemble yours now.

So much of the energy we need to live life comes from other people. It just does! Much like vitamins for our physical body, we have the need for certain people in our circle for a great life. Your life team will give you those nutrients; their support will give you the energy needed to keep growing and moving forward! You then use that energy to fulfill your purpose in the world.

Surrounding yourself with people who you can count on, who will listen to you, who give you warmth, and won’t judge is critical to overcoming obstacles. It’s that simple!  

3. Create a Life Team

We’ve covered what a life team is and why it’s important. Now, let’s get started on creating your life team.

Ideally, you need somewhere between 3-10 people on your life team. Ten is kind-of the maximum because it takes time to develop in-depth relationships with people. Keep in mind that the larger the group, the longer it will take.

Your time is valuable and so is theirs. Less than three people may not provide the life nutrients you need for growth.

The great thing about people is that everyone contributes something different to your life. Certain people have wisdom, while others offer empathy, challenge you to grow, or have strong insight.

Now, This is Not a Team in the Traditional Sense.

I know it sounds like everyone is getting #TeamYou jerseys. But, the truth is you probably won’t meet your life team all at one time. Think of them as people you pick up along the way.

Let me tell you about my own life team. I have 10 people on Team Townsend because I have a lot of needs. They all live in different parts of the country and don’t know each other well. The common thread connecting them is me!  

What Does it Take to Be #TeamYou?

Consider these questions as you seek out people who can provide valuable nutrients for growth:

  • Can they be vulnerable with you and can you be vulnerable with them? If you can’t be vulnerable, you can really never get what you need out of the relationship. When people feel they have to have it all together all the time, they’ll sort of never get anywhere in life. Vulnerability is a real answer to growth.
  • Can you really be honest about the negatives in your life, including failure, things you’re embarrassed about, and things where you’re beating yourself up? Not only must players on your life team be vulnerable, they’ve got to have total safety. There’s no shaming, no judging, and no advice a lot of the time. Chances are they will be great listeners and great at asking you the right questions to help you find answers.
  • Can they challenge you and offer honesty? They must be able to say, “I think you’re going the wrong direction here,” or maybe just give you wisdom or data or information or life experiences. Bottom line – they’ve got to have truth in them.
  • Is there chemistry? If you don’t really like them personally, then you won’t want to have lunch or coffee with them. If you don’t enjoy spending time with them and learning from them, don’t add them to your life team!

Life Team: Assemble!

Ready to assemble your life team? Let’s get started! Here are my suggestions to get you started.

Make two lists. One is a list of the prospects by going through your email and phone contacts. Make a second list of the people that shouldn’t be prospects.

Although it may sound harsh, this is an important part of the process. After some reflection, you may learn you’re letting people in your boundary space that you shouldn’t. Or maybe you’re not giving enough time and energy to the relationships that benefit you. Trust me, you’ll find a lot of good things happen when you do those two lists.

This list will likely take you a couple of hours, but prune the list down to 20-40 people. Then, pick the first person that looks like an ideal life team member and, call them and ask to catch up. Spend some time with them.

When you talk, take one little step of vulnerability. Maybe you admit something is kind-of hard to them, like “I’m really struggling with my job,” or, “One of our kids is kind of going south,” or “I’m struggling with my dating life,” or whatever. Be open to the person.

If they give you a bunch of advice, change the subject, or talk about themselves, that’s not a good sign.

But, if they move toward you and say, “I had no idea. Tell me more about that. That’s really hard,” you know you’ve got a potential. The key here is that they are able to listen, and not make it about themselves.

I recommend that you have three or four lunches or coffee meet-ups with someone you consider a prospect for your life team before creating your final roster. Their support will be critical to your overall growth, so take your time and get it right!

Once you have picked your life team, your next step is asking them for their support. What you say after three or four meetings is, “I’m getting really intentional about my growth. And I know my growth involves getting a lot of people around me who really want to grow and change and support each other, and I’d like to meet on a regular basis.”

It will take time to build a team, somewhere between four and six months. A life team can’t be sporadic.

Try to get together regularly, whether it’s once a month or once a week to just talk about life and how you can help each other grow.

If you’re struggling with identifying who should be on your life team, let me help you. Subscribe to TownsendNOW today and start identifying the good people who can truly help you grow.

 

 

Digital Boundaries

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Tech offers many wonderful options through the web, smartphones, tablets, and so forth. That being said, it can be very easy to “sucked in” to the digital world and lose sight of priorities in the real world. It can also make it hard to set aside time to take care of yourself and others.

What Are Digital Boundaries?

Simply put, digital boundaries are property lines designed to optimize the positives and minimize the negatives of the digital world.  

When you have reasonable property lines, the digital world becomes your servant and not your master. It’s often the other way around for many of us these days.

That’s not good for us.

Why Are Digital Boundaries Important?

Let me explain why digital boundaries are so important. First, there are times we MUST have freedom from access, meaning access to yourself, people who want your time and attention or to hang out.

The digital age has changed everything. It’s no longer just getting up, going to work, coming home, and spending time with family. Now, anybody can get to you anywhere on the planet, at any time of day, 24/7, sun up, sun down, moon up, moon down.

Have you ever had an instance where you get home from work and you get an email or text and think, “Oh, that’ll take me a second?”

It’s bad for our brains.

It’s bad for our relationships.

In fact, it’s bad for life.

Starting Setting Digital Boundaries

The time to set some digital boundaries is NOW! To start, we need to set reasonable digital boundaries when we get home from work. Yes, it’s time to turn off your devices and being present! For example, I like to go ‘no digital’ for an hour after I get home from work to spend quality time with my wife and kids.

Setting digital boundaries is an important idea is because we need great relationships in real life to keep us energized. I mean, isn’t life really about relationships and the things we do?

Great relationships thrive with face-to-face interaction. The more face time you have with the people that are important to you (like someone you’re dating, your spouse, your kids, grandkids, or your great friends) the better the relationship will be.

Making time to connect with these people in real life, instead of digitally, will help foster strong relationships. Emphasize how important seeing them face-to-face is to you, and I’m confident you’ll be happy with how these relationships grow.

What my wife and I do sometimes is have a “non-pixelated night.” This means there’s no TV, you can’t get to us over the phone, and there’s no texting or email. I know you think this might be impossible to do. Admittedly, it’s been hard, but really cool. Try limiting your digital exposure over time instead of all at once to get started.

Worried about your own digital boundaries? Join TownsendNOW to get help setting realistic digital boundaries with the people in your life!

 

Listening Well

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Successful people generally share several key traits. One of those is being a good listener.

But, how do you become a good listener? It doesn’t happen overnight and there’s no magic switch.

Start by taking the initiative to enter the point of view of those around you. That is the essence of good listening and a form of empathy. It’s just a basic human need, like air or water. It is the art of understanding how others experience reality.

You have to get out of your opinion and into theirs, at least temporarily. This is hard work for anyone because you have to wear both hats. These tips will help you be a great listener:

  • Ask someone how they’re doing. Don’t wait for them to come up and tell you what’s going on.
  • Ask open-ended questions. For example, “How’s it going?” is better than, “things are good, right?”
  • Ask a few times. Ask follow-up questions. That conveys you really want to hear their experience and they are much more likely to tell you what’s really going on.
  • When you get the info, find how they feel before providing a solution. Instead of, “OK, try this solution”, say, “That must be frustrating” or “I’d be overwhelmed myself” or “That would bug me too.” You have just entered a place inside their heads where few people go and you have now become a significant person for them.
  • Don’t worry that listening means agreement. Many people hesitate in listening because they are concerned the person will think, “Great, you agree with me.” If that is true, you need to deal with that person’s attitude of entitlement. But most of the time, people don’t assume that. You can say “That’s a tough situation” and later in the same conversation say, “I think you dropped the ball” and both are true.
  • Don’t give advice until you know they need it. My experience is that, over half the time, if you listen well and support, people are smart enough to solve their own challenges, and your “being there” was all they needed.

Let TownsendNOW help open your eyes and ears.

 

Leadership and Relationships: The Two-Way Street

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I was talking with a CEO of a company and finding out how he was doing in his business and his life. I asked him, “How are things going in your personal relationships? Do you think you have enough good quality connections?”

“Sure I do”, he answered. “I’ve got some really great friendships.”

I said, “That’s great. Now, how many of those friends would you say are acquainted with your personal needs, dependencies and weaknesses?”

He was a thoughtful person, and after a pause, said, “Well, actually probably none. I mean, I enjoy spending time with them, and also helping support them in their lives. But that personal stuff is a little hard for me.”

I said, “Then this is probably a good growth point for your own work and life. You need some two-way relationships, that is, people who open up to you, and people to whom you open up.”

The conversation went on, but the man understood where we were going, and got the message. He went to work on his two-way relationships, and I think prevented a lot of train wrecks in his life and career.

Leaders are a special group of people, and many leaders share a common weakness: they tend to be better givers than receivers. That is, the role of leadership often has the power to skew you toward being too focused on providing support, help, encouragement and grace to others, while neglecting your own needs and life.

There is certainly a lot that is good about being a giving person. It is the model of God as giver of Life; and the second greatest command is to love others as ourselves (Matt. 22:39). But at the same time, we can’t give to others what we don’t possess. You can’t provide from an empty cup: “…what do you have that God hasn’t given you?…(I Cor. 4:7, NLT).”

Just as those people you care about in work, family in life, you also need the ingredients of help that you provide for them. Here are a few to look at, and ask yourself, am I requesting, and receiving these, as well as providing them?

  • Grace: someone being “for” you, and on your side
  • Love: someone you can go to when you’re feeling down, lonely or isolated
  • Acceptance: someone knowing your faults and weaknesses and cares about you anyway
  • Safety: someone who won’t judge or condemn you, but will understand your failings and walk alongside you
  • Comfort: someone who will pick you up when you are discouraged
  • Truth: someone who will give you feedback and guidance when you need it.

This is often a little tough for leaders to go out and develop. You might wonder if you’ll be seen in a negative light by others, or if somehow needing these elements will disqualify you from leadership. You may even think leaders need to be strong all the time.

Check these perceptions out with a healthy, growing leader whom you respect and admire. My money will be on the probability that they will tell you, “It’s just the opposite. A large part of my success is due to my having people in my life that I open up to. It gives me strength, acceptance, motivation and direction.”

So look around in your life and start adding another direction to those one-way, all-giving relationships in your life and work! God bless