self-care

Closure Can Be Overrated

February 1, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Have you ever had a task you felt you just had to finish or it would drive you crazy, and you ended up being late to a meeting as a result? It could be finishing a report, making a brief phone call that’s been on your to-do list for awhile, or cleaning up the house before you leave, and that few minutes makes the rest of the day a bit rushed.

Most of us are very familiar with that experience. It has some minor OCD components, and has to do with an overdeveloped need for closure that can make life a bit frantic and frustrating for us. Simply put, closure is the act of bringing end to a matter, to reduce mental disorder. It’s not fun to have lots of things hanging on unfinished in our heads, like strands of threads on a shirt. So we tidy up. However, when we get caught up in a “closure frenzy”, even if it’s a few minutes, it can make life harder. We can be late to appointments, not feel good, and let people down we care about. Here are some tips to balance out on closure.

Reduce your daily to-do list tasks. Most to-do lists, whether on your app or a piece of paper, are about 50% too long. We set them up because we are optimistic, but we end up feeling bad because we have to reschedule them and kick the can down the road. Just put on your day what you actually have time for, between scheduled meetings. Giving yourself a break here will decrease the need for premature closure.

Reflect on what is important. At the beginning of your day, consider what really matters. Think of the meaningful jobs and projects you are working on, and the people you care about, that you don’t want to be late for. This sets your mind out of the “urgent” mode into the “important” mode.

Practice leaving things undone. It strengthens our mind to walk away from unnecessary closure. If you’re in the middle of something that is not truly an emergency, and you see by the time, that you need to get off your phone app or get away from your computer, shut down and walk away or make the call, whatever is due next. Be intentional about this, because this is practice. You are likely to encounter anxious feelings and negative self-talk such as “I hate leaving this” or “Just a couple minutes more and I’ll be finished.” But face the discomfort and remember that very successful people always have something undone. It will get better over time.

Be happy about the benefit. What is the benefit? Being on time and not rushing in apologizing, being relaxed, and being ready to tackle the next thing.

Closure is a great tool! But it must serve your priorities, not determine them. As I write this, I’m leaving some notes on my whiteboard that I’d love to finish and be done with, but I have a meeting I need to be on time to…☺

Best,

John

Happiness

January 4, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We all want to be happy, nothing wrong with that. When we are happy, we experience cheerfulness, positivity and an upbeat mood. Happiness is one of the most pleasant emotions a person can have. We feel energy and we feel hope. So how can we create this feeling more for ourselves?

The tricky part is that unfortunately, happiness doesn’t work well as a goal. People whose focus and goal in life is to be happy, often find that over time, they can’t stay happy. Think about these two categories of people who want to feel good all the time as their main focus: 2 years olds and addicts. Their internal systems are constantly craving the happiness experience, and their lives aren’t great models for how to live in the adult world.

The reality is that happiness is a much better byproduct than it is a goal. It is the result of other activities that provide a better life. It’s a little like weight loss. There is a ton of research that says we should weigh ourselves less frequently, and just concentrate on eating right and working out, and the weight will drop. The weight loss is the outcome of the right life activities. So here are some of the best “happiness-producing” skills:

Great supportive relationships: Engaging with people who are “for” you, can be vulnerable with you, and will tell you the truth.

Freedom: Instead of allowing others to control you, making the right choices because they are the right choices.

Living in reality: Avoiding perfectionistic expectations of yourself, others or the world.

Something to do: Competent work produces a positive sensation.

Giving with no tangible reward: It’s well known that altruism and service cause our body to release oxytocin, the feel-good hormone.

Resilience: Being able to bounce back after a failure, and self-regulate.

A purpose larger than oneself: We are happier when we engage in something meaningful that helps us transcend past “is that all there is?”

The ironic reality is that the happiest people in the world rarely, if ever, wonder if they are happy, or how to be more happy. They are otherwise involved in spending their energy engaged in the above skills.

So c’mon, get happy… by living the right life.

Best,

John

Get out of the Comparison Mentality

December 5, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

When is the last time you noticed another person’s situation, and found yourself comparing yours to theirs? It could be about their good fortune, like buying a new home or their kids getting into their chosen college. Then your thoughts can turn to how you’re a bit inferior, or behind the curve, or just unfortunate. On the other hand, it could be about the struggles of others, such as a financial loss or a divorce. In that direction, you can find yourself thinking that while you are sad for them, you have some level of relief that you are not going through that scenario.

It’s natural to compare yourself to others. We want to see how we stack up with them. But, what is natural for us is not always good for us. Here are some reasons why it will help you, to get out of the comparison mentality, and how to succeed in that.

You lose contentment. It’s pretty much impossible to be content and “OK” with your situation, when you compare. Think about it, when you evaluate yourself by others’ situations, you can only be as content as your ranking. If you determine that you have less “whatever” than most of your friends, you will rank yourself in the bottom half, which can lead to a lack of contentment, feelings of being one down, and even resentful. And even if you’re on the “top half” in some area, you must maintain that ranking to be OK. That is a pressure you do not want. So set yourself up with a mentality of growth and self-improvement that is about who you are, not about increasing your rankings.

You lose control. Comparisons take time, energy and focus away from what we can control, and put them in a place we can’t control. You always have some amount of control over your choices and decisions, and how you will live your day, week and year. You can be with someone you love, spend time with your kids, engage in your work, follow your passion, and find a purpose in life. All of these are worth your time, energy and focus. But you have zero control over other people’s choices. Influence, perhaps, but not control. Comparisons keep you with your nose to the window, so to speak, wishing you could have what the other has, and not investing instead in a good life for yourself. So put that finite time, energy and focus into what you can do something about.

You distance yourself from others. When we compare, healthy people are turned off. They don’t like to be around the envy, jealousy and resentment that a comparing person expresses. They want to talk about what you and they are actually doing, with no rankings and yardsticks about others. Notice how much of your conversations and thoughts in a day is about the fortunes of others, and if it’s a significant percentage, ratchet it back.

You have enough to do, to keep yourself busy and productive without comparisons. Work on being the best you that you can be.

Best,

John

Self Talk: Helping Your Internal Voice Be a Benefit to You

November 21, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We engage every day in other-talk, which is what happens at meetings, meals and over the phone. But we also have constant conversations in our head about our favorite subject, with is ourselves. Self-talk has to do with the evaluations and judgments we make of ourselves and our behavior, and sometimes the evaluations are pretty harsh. Sometimes the evaluations are so cruel that we are paralyzed from being transparent and real, or from taking the risks we need to take. Here are some tips to help your own self-talk be a benefit, and not a problem, for you.

Observe the observer. Our digital culture has made personal reflection harder to engage in. But pulling away from our schedule, or the next text or email, to think about what we are thinking, is one of the best things you can do for yourself, to solve problems and grow as a person. The technical word for this is metacognition, or thinking about thinking. Part of metacognition is developing the habit of mentally taking a step back from your activities, and observing your observer, that is, your self-talk.

For example, after a difficult conversation with your spouse, notice the nature of your self talk. Just reflect on how you are evaluating what you said. You might observe that you are thinking, I wasn’t kind, or I didn’t listen, or I didn’t speak up. This quick habit of simply observing your observer gives you more power over it, and a means to change it.

Question the accuracy. Ask yourself, is my self talk true about me or not? If it’s true, it’s working for you, and will help you to be a healthier and more successful person. But sometimes you need to ask others if, from their perspective, your self talk is telling the truth. Suppose after you give a presentation at work, your self talk is that I always disappoint people and I should live in a cave and eat worms, that probably needs to be reframed by someone who knows and likes you, such as I didn’t do my best at the presentation, but I learned some things to help me improve.

At end of day, have more positive than negative. Even though truthfulness trumps everything, you should still have more positive than negative self-evaluations by the end of the day. We just can’t tolerate the reverse. It discourages us and deflates our energy. Don’t make up things to say that aren’t real, but while you are being truthful about the screwups, also focus on your wins, even if they are small: I passed on dessert a third day in a row is at least something!

Develop a warm tone. Research has shown that our tone with others is more important than the words we say to them. The same is true with self talk. A harsh, judgmental, “what a loser” tone will simply not make you a better person. So, though you are honest with yourself, don’t condemn yourself. I’m a pretty good person and I have good values and motives, though I really blew it with my teenager, can help right-size your head.

Listen to what you’re doing in your internal conversation. You might be a bit dismayed about how mean you can be to yourself. Change the pattern. You’ll be glad you did.

Best,

John

Self Improvement: What, Why and How

November 15, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

All of us would like a good life, a better life, even a great life in different arenas: relationships, marriage, parenting, passions or purpose, for example. The best avenue to a better life is by engaging in self-improvement in what matters to you. Here are some tips about the What, Why and How of improving your life.

The What: Self-improvement is a well-known term that refers to a structured plan to be better in a significant area of life. That could mean in one’s self care, career, personal character growth, spirituality or relationships. It has a structure to it, as opposed to a more informal and organic desire to grow and change. The informal approach which can involve reading, conversations with interesting people and travel, for example. This approach can be helpful, but more often than not, it does not effectively move a person’s focus toward getting where they want to go. It’s a little like working out at the gym. The benefits from some sort of structure and plan will outweigh the path of going when we feel like it, or have the extra time.

The Why: Since self-improvement requires engagement, energy, time and other resources, you need to be clear on why it’s worth it. There are two fundamental reasons, being better and also not being worse. They encompass the motivators we sometimes call the carrot and the stick. In being better, self-improvement is worth the cost because we are on the way to having a higher quality of life. For example, taking a class in astronomy, hiring a coach, finding a therapist, or having a plan to read books and watch videos on starting a business, are all paths to doing something in the future that you currently are not able to. On the other hand, not being worse has to do with avoiding pain in our lives that is unnecessary. For example, health problems due to inactivity and poor diet, career disappointments, relational failures, depression, and substance use problems are outcomes you want to avoid. Both the desire to be better, and to avoid being worse, are legitimate motivators, though the first one should be a higher value.

The How: You will generally find the following necessary ingredients in beginning the practicalities of self improvement:

Information: Data, facts, research and skills are critical to success here. Be a lifelong learner in several areas of life. This can also include a coach, or guide or expert, who has their 10,000 hours of competence in the area you’re interested in.
Support: Research proves that the lone ranger approach is not as effective as having a few people who either are engaged with you in the process for their own benefit, or who are just friends who you ask to help keep tabs on you and encourage you. We are truly better together.
Structure and path: What we calendar and plan on, is much more likely to actually happen, than what we think we will do when we have time. We are so busy these days that most of the time, “when we have time” just doesn’t happen. Putting practice, lessons, workouts or whatever into the calendar increases your odds dramatically.
Monitoring: No self-improvement plan is as good as possible from the get-go. Every month or so, review the plan to see what’s working and what you can do better. You will be surprised at how some tweaks here and there will bring you to a higher level.

We are all “selves” and we are designed to “improve.” Make this part of your life.

Best,

John

Resilience: The Skills To Help You Bounce Back

August 7, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Have you ever noticed that some people can have a setback and shrug it off, while the same setback can pretty much “tank” another person for a very long time? Whether we’re talking about relationship challenges, financial problems, emotional issues or health problems, the difference is an ability called resilience, which I define as the capacity to adapt to a stressor, and return to normal functioning. By “normal functioning” I mean a positive mood vs depression, good energy levels vs debilitating fatigue and the ability to maintain one’s relationships and work habits. It’s encouraging to know also that resilience is not as much an inherent gift that some people have, as it is a set of learnable skills that we can all apply. Here are some keys to bouncing back:

Stay (or become) connected vulnerably to a few good people. The neuroscience research is overwhelming about this. There is no way to overestimate the power of attachments with a few people you can open up to, and be supported by. My new bestselling book People Fuel has lots of information about the skills to do this.

Become engaged in the meaningful. Stressors have a way of “owning” our time and focus. Like a dog gnawing on a bone, our brains often obsess and chew on the loss or challenge, for way too much time in our day. They can create high anxiety and fatigue. So, while you can’t make yourself completely stop thinking about the stressor, you can make sure most of your day is spent engaging and being involved in what matters to you: meaningful work, people you care about, working out, good meals and positive activities.

Move into structure. A regular and somewhat predictable daily structure is very good for you too. When New Yorkers experienced the 911 terrorist attacks, researchers found that the survivors of that tragedy did better when they returned to work soon. Knowing what time their meetings, calls and breaks were scheduled for, helped their brains regulate and establish a sense of control.

Get yourself off the hook. Guilt plays a big part in stress. We often blame ourselves 100% for something we are 2% responsible for, and we beat ourselves up day after day. While we are always supposed to take responsibility for any mistakes we have made, apologize, and change our behavior, we shouldn’t take ownership for things we haven’t done. So write down what percent of the stressor is from you, what percent is from other people, and what percent is just from living in an imperfect world. Get in balance with responsibility, and your guilt will diminish. And for the percent that is yours, experience the great gift of forgiveness and acceptance for your imperfections.

Resilience can help you pretty quickly begin feeling, thinking and acting in your normal patterns again. Best wishes.

John