Dr. John Townsend

Dr. John Townsend and his team offer executive coaching, corporate consulting, and leadership training in a variety or programs. Join us today!

self-growth

Leadership and Relationships: The Two-Way Street

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I was talking with a CEO of a company and finding out how he was doing in his business and his life. I asked him, “How are things going in your personal relationships? Do you think you have enough good quality connections?”

“Sure I do”, he answered. “I’ve got some really great friendships.”

I said, “That’s great. Now, how many of those friends would you say are acquainted with your personal needs, dependencies and weaknesses?”

He was a thoughtful person, and after a pause, said, “Well, actually probably none. I mean, I enjoy spending time with them, and also helping support them in their lives. But that personal stuff is a little hard for me.”

I said, “Then this is probably a good growth point for your own work and life. You need some two-way relationships, that is, people who open up to you, and people to whom you open up.”

The conversation went on, but the man understood where we were going, and got the message. He went to work on his two-way relationships, and I think prevented a lot of train wrecks in his life and career.

Leaders are a special group of people, and many leaders share a common weakness: they tend to be better givers than receivers. That is, the role of leadership often has the power to skew you toward being too focused on providing support, help, encouragement and grace to others, while neglecting your own needs and life.

There is certainly a lot that is good about being a giving person. It is the model of God as giver of Life; and the second greatest command is to love others as ourselves (Matt. 22:39). But at the same time, we can’t give to others what we don’t possess. You can’t provide from an empty cup: “…what do you have that God hasn’t given you?…(I Cor. 4:7, NLT).”

Just as those people you care about in work, family in life, you also need the ingredients of help that you provide for them. Here are a few to look at, and ask yourself, am I requesting, and receiving these, as well as providing them?

  • Grace: someone being “for” you, and on your side
  • Love: someone you can go to when you’re feeling down, lonely or isolated
  • Acceptance: someone knowing your faults and weaknesses and cares about you anyway
  • Safety: someone who won’t judge or condemn you, but will understand your failings and walk alongside you
  • Comfort: someone who will pick you up when you are discouraged
  • Truth: someone who will give you feedback and guidance when you need it.

This is often a little tough for leaders to go out and develop. You might wonder if you’ll be seen in a negative light by others, or if somehow needing these elements will disqualify you from leadership. You may even think leaders need to be strong all the time.

Check these perceptions out with a healthy, growing leader whom you respect and admire. My money will be on the probability that they will tell you, “It’s just the opposite. A large part of my success is due to my having people in my life that I open up to. It gives me strength, acceptance, motivation and direction.”

So look around in your life and start adding another direction to those one-way, all-giving relationships in your life and work! God bless

Believe In Yourself

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Successful people believe in themselves. Life has lots of challenges and obstacles, and one of the best tools to persevere and get past them, is to have a positive view of yourself. There is a great deal of value for you in remembering what is real and true about you, and what will get you through the next step.

Believing in yourself has nothing to do with the pop psychology fads of concentrating on how wonderful we are. Rather, it is about focusing on three things about you that are solid and foundational:

1. Your character. Your character is your internal makeup.

It’s those capacities that are required in order for you to meet the demands of reality. I don’t know about you, but my reality has lots of demands: marriage, parenting, relationships, work, self-care and service. You need a great tool box to pull life off well. When you call to mind your internal strengths, you are more likely to use these strengths in productive ways. For example, if people readily trust you, remember that this ability will likely help you in the your challenge. If you are honest and direct, this is also something that can carry the day.

2. Your history. The best predictor of the future is the past.

You may have some losses in your history, but you also have wins. Bring to mind that you have done some successful things in your area of concern, and this will increase your confidence and focus. A CEO I coached had a complex financial deal ahead of him with several players working together. It was the biggest initiative in his career. He was questioning a bit if he could pull it off. We explored other deals he had hit home runs in. Though the previous deals were smaller, the dynamics and strategies were similar. He remembered what he has done, and, fortified with that knowledge, did very well in the larger deal.

3. Your support system. We truly are as confident as our relationships make us.

People are the fuel of our lives. Their care, interest, attunement and encouragement are often the difference between success and failure. We “internalize”, or take into our brain’s hard wiring, the ingredients of what others provide for us. When you call these people to mind, or some helpful thing they said to you, it makes us believe more that we are up to the task. A friend of mine in the Townsend Leadership Program was going into a very difficult conversation with his investors, who were unhappy with his performance. I checked in with him after the meeting, and he told me things had gone well. Then he said, “When the investors were coming down on me, I remembered that several of my TLP members told me that regardless of the outcome of that meeting, they were for me and believed in my talent. It made all the difference for me in that conversation.”

Your insides, your past successes and your great people will help you believe that you have what it takes. One of the functions of your brain is to keep important memories to sustain you. Use it, and believe what is true and good.