self-growth

Closure Can Be Overrated

February 1, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Have you ever had a task you felt you just had to finish or it would drive you crazy, and you ended up being late to a meeting as a result? It could be finishing a report, making a brief phone call that’s been on your to-do list for awhile, or cleaning up the house before you leave, and that few minutes makes the rest of the day a bit rushed.

Most of us are very familiar with that experience. It has some minor OCD components, and has to do with an overdeveloped need for closure that can make life a bit frantic and frustrating for us. Simply put, closure is the act of bringing end to a matter, to reduce mental disorder. It’s not fun to have lots of things hanging on unfinished in our heads, like strands of threads on a shirt. So we tidy up. However, when we get caught up in a “closure frenzy”, even if it’s a few minutes, it can make life harder. We can be late to appointments, not feel good, and let people down we care about. Here are some tips to balance out on closure.

Reduce your daily to-do list tasks. Most to-do lists, whether on your app or a piece of paper, are about 50% too long. We set them up because we are optimistic, but we end up feeling bad because we have to reschedule them and kick the can down the road. Just put on your day what you actually have time for, between scheduled meetings. Giving yourself a break here will decrease the need for premature closure.

Reflect on what is important. At the beginning of your day, consider what really matters. Think of the meaningful jobs and projects you are working on, and the people you care about, that you don’t want to be late for. This sets your mind out of the “urgent” mode into the “important” mode.

Practice leaving things undone. It strengthens our mind to walk away from unnecessary closure. If you’re in the middle of something that is not truly an emergency, and you see by the time, that you need to get off your phone app or get away from your computer, shut down and walk away or make the call, whatever is due next. Be intentional about this, because this is practice. You are likely to encounter anxious feelings and negative self-talk such as “I hate leaving this” or “Just a couple minutes more and I’ll be finished.” But face the discomfort and remember that very successful people always have something undone. It will get better over time.

Be happy about the benefit. What is the benefit? Being on time and not rushing in apologizing, being relaxed, and being ready to tackle the next thing.

Closure is a great tool! But it must serve your priorities, not determine them. As I write this, I’m leaving some notes on my whiteboard that I’d love to finish and be done with, but I have a meeting I need to be on time to…☺

Best,

John

Get out of the Comparison Mentality

December 5, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

When is the last time you noticed another person’s situation, and found yourself comparing yours to theirs? It could be about their good fortune, like buying a new home or their kids getting into their chosen college. Then your thoughts can turn to how you’re a bit inferior, or behind the curve, or just unfortunate. On the other hand, it could be about the struggles of others, such as a financial loss or a divorce. In that direction, you can find yourself thinking that while you are sad for them, you have some level of relief that you are not going through that scenario.

It’s natural to compare yourself to others. We want to see how we stack up with them. But, what is natural for us is not always good for us. Here are some reasons why it will help you, to get out of the comparison mentality, and how to succeed in that.

You lose contentment. It’s pretty much impossible to be content and “OK” with your situation, when you compare. Think about it, when you evaluate yourself by others’ situations, you can only be as content as your ranking. If you determine that you have less “whatever” than most of your friends, you will rank yourself in the bottom half, which can lead to a lack of contentment, feelings of being one down, and even resentful. And even if you’re on the “top half” in some area, you must maintain that ranking to be OK. That is a pressure you do not want. So set yourself up with a mentality of growth and self-improvement that is about who you are, not about increasing your rankings.

You lose control. Comparisons take time, energy and focus away from what we can control, and put them in a place we can’t control. You always have some amount of control over your choices and decisions, and how you will live your day, week and year. You can be with someone you love, spend time with your kids, engage in your work, follow your passion, and find a purpose in life. All of these are worth your time, energy and focus. But you have zero control over other people’s choices. Influence, perhaps, but not control. Comparisons keep you with your nose to the window, so to speak, wishing you could have what the other has, and not investing instead in a good life for yourself. So put that finite time, energy and focus into what you can do something about.

You distance yourself from others. When we compare, healthy people are turned off. They don’t like to be around the envy, jealousy and resentment that a comparing person expresses. They want to talk about what you and they are actually doing, with no rankings and yardsticks about others. Notice how much of your conversations and thoughts in a day is about the fortunes of others, and if it’s a significant percentage, ratchet it back.

You have enough to do, to keep yourself busy and productive without comparisons. Work on being the best you that you can be.

Best,

John

Self Improvement: What, Why and How

November 15, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

All of us would like a good life, a better life, even a great life in different arenas: relationships, marriage, parenting, passions or purpose, for example. The best avenue to a better life is by engaging in self-improvement in what matters to you. Here are some tips about the What, Why and How of improving your life.

The What: Self-improvement is a well-known term that refers to a structured plan to be better in a significant area of life. That could mean in one’s self care, career, personal character growth, spirituality or relationships. It has a structure to it, as opposed to a more informal and organic desire to grow and change. The informal approach which can involve reading, conversations with interesting people and travel, for example. This approach can be helpful, but more often than not, it does not effectively move a person’s focus toward getting where they want to go. It’s a little like working out at the gym. The benefits from some sort of structure and plan will outweigh the path of going when we feel like it, or have the extra time.

The Why: Since self-improvement requires engagement, energy, time and other resources, you need to be clear on why it’s worth it. There are two fundamental reasons, being better and also not being worse. They encompass the motivators we sometimes call the carrot and the stick. In being better, self-improvement is worth the cost because we are on the way to having a higher quality of life. For example, taking a class in astronomy, hiring a coach, finding a therapist, or having a plan to read books and watch videos on starting a business, are all paths to doing something in the future that you currently are not able to. On the other hand, not being worse has to do with avoiding pain in our lives that is unnecessary. For example, health problems due to inactivity and poor diet, career disappointments, relational failures, depression, and substance use problems are outcomes you want to avoid. Both the desire to be better, and to avoid being worse, are legitimate motivators, though the first one should be a higher value.

The How: You will generally find the following necessary ingredients in beginning the practicalities of self improvement:

Information: Data, facts, research and skills are critical to success here. Be a lifelong learner in several areas of life. This can also include a coach, or guide or expert, who has their 10,000 hours of competence in the area you’re interested in.
Support: Research proves that the lone ranger approach is not as effective as having a few people who either are engaged with you in the process for their own benefit, or who are just friends who you ask to help keep tabs on you and encourage you. We are truly better together.
Structure and path: What we calendar and plan on, is much more likely to actually happen, than what we think we will do when we have time. We are so busy these days that most of the time, “when we have time” just doesn’t happen. Putting practice, lessons, workouts or whatever into the calendar increases your odds dramatically.
Monitoring: No self-improvement plan is as good as possible from the get-go. Every month or so, review the plan to see what’s working and what you can do better. You will be surprised at how some tweaks here and there will bring you to a higher level.

We are all “selves” and we are designed to “improve.” Make this part of your life.

Best,

John

Corrected Vision – by Dale Bacon

March 21, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

My grandfather had challenges with his vision. By the time he was in his early nineties (he lived to be 100), cataracts had formed on his eyes to the point that he could hardly see. He needed a HUGE magnifying glass to read the newspaper. His doctor encouraged him to get eye surgery to correct his vision. The day after the procedure, I observed him sitting at the kitchen table reading the smallest print he could find: the phone book.

Up until a few years ago, my father had challenges with his vision. From my earliest memory, I had never seen my father without his glasses. His doctor encouraged him to get laser surgery and today, when I see my dad, I see a different person than I did for most of my life. He doesn’t wear glasses anymore. His vision has been corrected.

Sometimes leaders have challenges with their “people vision.” Instead of seeing people as God sees them, we can start seeing people as immature, problematic, and frustrating. And we can be tempted to try to “fix” them with a one-size-fits-all solution.

The truth is, God has created each person unique. We cannot approach our employees or team with a one-size-fits-all solution because one size simply won’t fit. Accepting the truth that each person is unique is the first step to correcting your “people vision.”

The next step is to accept that God has placed them in your care. You are their guide. You are their encourager. You are their leader.

People can feel taxing. But God doesn’t look at them that way. He looks at them for what He has planned for them (life and growth). And He’s asking you to see them the same way.

Lead Well.

Dale Bacon

TLP Director

Peace of Mind

February 26, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Peace of mind is one of the most important experiences we can have. It’s what I call a state of internal harmony. That is, no matter how stressful your circumstances, your mind is able to feel harmony, or in sync with its different aspects. It’s like the experience of being inside a well-built car while it’s moving at 70 miles an hour: though a lot of motion and noise are going on outside, at the same time, with the doors and windows shut, you can be in a quiet environment with just a little hum going on. All the various parts of the car are synced with each other and everything is running smoothly.

Unfortunately, peace of mind is often hard to come by. We live in an anxious age, where we often feel fear, debilitating anxiety, panic, and phobias. Nothing good comes from this. So here are some tips to help you develop better peace of mind.

Identify what is causing anxiety or a feeling of stress. Global anxiety is a vague sense of unease, and it’s hard to deal with. It’s always better to pinpoint exactly where the stress is coming from A financial issue? A work challenge? A family problem? A health situation? You will notice a decrease in anxiety, and an increase in peace, just from that simple step.

Take problem-solving steps. Even if a challenge can’t be totally solved, our peace increases when we take initiative and do some action steps to resolve them. The more passive we are, the more we live in our amygdala, and we become increasingly anxious to a sometimes overwhelming degree. Initiative and moving on something, almost anything positive really, will increase peace and move us from the amygdala mode to the pre-frontal cortex mode, where we are calmer and can think more clearly.

Pull away several times a day. Since we live in a highly stimulated world, our brains don’t have a chance to calm down and center ourselves naturally. So just make that a quick habit. Take a “pull away” break, one in the morning, one in the afternoon, and one in the evening, get away from the stress, and think about the actual good in your life (don’t make stuff up, I mean the actual good !): you have a body that works, you have people that care, you have choices and freedoms. This little habit will make a significant difference.

Call your resilience to mind. Resilience means that you’re strong enough to handle the hard stuff. You have a history of facing challenges. Remember your wins and recall that you have made it through other stressors.

Make vulnerable contacts. Every day, stress or no stress, have a brief supportive conversation with someone who cares about you, and whom you care about. Be vulnerable, meaning be open with the negatives: what is stressing you and what you fear. Don’t ask the other person for solutions. Instead, tell them you just want to know they “get it”, and have them convey that to you. Internal harmony comes from this sort of conversation, in which we experience that we aren’t alone.

Life will always be stressful to some degree. But work on experiencing the hum of that well-running engine in your head.

Preventing Burnout

December 20, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

We live in a burnout culture. How many people in your life talk about running out of energy, losing motivation, and being “out of gas”? This might even be your own situation as well. Burnout is a very real problem, and it can be serious. People lose job growth, relationship success, emotional health and physical wellness with burnout. Let’s look at some ways to nip burnout in the bud and to have a healthy balanced life.

Take a realistic look at how you are doing. Just ask yourself if you tend to have problems getting up in the morning, dragging in the day or having a positive attitude. If you are great in all of these, God bless you! But if you experience these, you could be at risk for early-stage burnout. So many of us have to almost be in ICU to do something about burnout, so respect these little signs before they become big signs.

Add the “vital” and prune back the “not vital.” And before you’re into burnout territory, get out that calendar and figure out what a 5 day week with nights off will look like (with a few exceptions that must be justified). Most of the time, that means adding rest, time with people who are gains and not drains, fun and meaningful activities. And to make time for that, then “not vital” activities need to be lessened, for example, too much time with the draining folks, social media, tv, and gaming. This creates a good balance in the schedule.

Take the attitude that “healthy selfish” is OK. It’s, unfortunately, true that no one is having a “protect you from burnout” meeting for your benefit right now. You have to own and value this. But healthy selfishness isn’t about being self-centered or narcissistic or not being concerned with others. It’s about understanding that you can’t have a full life, give to others and make a difference in the world for a long, long time if you don’t keep burnout at bay. So say “no” to demands on your time and energy that you just don’t have the bandwidth for. The right people will support you, and the wrong ones will just go away and make someone else feel guilty.

There’s something you can today about burnout, and this works! Best to you.

John Townsend, Ph.D.