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Self Talk: Helping Your Internal Voice Be a Benefit to You

November 21, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We engage every day in other-talk, which is what happens at meetings, meals and over the phone. But we also have constant conversations in our head about our favorite subject, with is ourselves. Self-talk has to do with the evaluations and judgments we make of ourselves and our behavior, and sometimes the evaluations are pretty harsh. Sometimes the evaluations are so cruel that we are paralyzed from being transparent and real, or from taking the risks we need to take. Here are some tips to help your own self-talk be a benefit, and not a problem, for you.

Observe the observer. Our digital culture has made personal reflection harder to engage in. But pulling away from our schedule, or the next text or email, to think about what we are thinking, is one of the best things you can do for yourself, to solve problems and grow as a person. The technical word for this is metacognition, or thinking about thinking. Part of metacognition is developing the habit of mentally taking a step back from your activities, and observing your observer, that is, your self-talk.

For example, after a difficult conversation with your spouse, notice the nature of your self talk. Just reflect on how you are evaluating what you said. You might observe that you are thinking, I wasn’t kind, or I didn’t listen, or I didn’t speak up. This quick habit of simply observing your observer gives you more power over it, and a means to change it.

Question the accuracy. Ask yourself, is my self talk true about me or not? If it’s true, it’s working for you, and will help you to be a healthier and more successful person. But sometimes you need to ask others if, from their perspective, your self talk is telling the truth. Suppose after you give a presentation at work, your self talk is that I always disappoint people and I should live in a cave and eat worms, that probably needs to be reframed by someone who knows and likes you, such as I didn’t do my best at the presentation, but I learned some things to help me improve.

At end of day, have more positive than negative. Even though truthfulness trumps everything, you should still have more positive than negative self-evaluations by the end of the day. We just can’t tolerate the reverse. It discourages us and deflates our energy. Don’t make up things to say that aren’t real, but while you are being truthful about the screwups, also focus on your wins, even if they are small: I passed on dessert a third day in a row is at least something!

Develop a warm tone. Research has shown that our tone with others is more important than the words we say to them. The same is true with self talk. A harsh, judgmental, “what a loser” tone will simply not make you a better person. So, though you are honest with yourself, don’t condemn yourself. I’m a pretty good person and I have good values and motives, though I really blew it with my teenager, can help right-size your head.

Listen to what you’re doing in your internal conversation. You might be a bit dismayed about how mean you can be to yourself. Change the pattern. You’ll be glad you did.

Best,

John

Your Brain is Worth Changing Your Lifestyle For

November 1, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We all know the importance of brain health. The research is so strong about how much better our lives are if our brain is doing well. For example, Harvard Health Publishing suggests the following habits to follow:

Get mental stimulation
Get physical exercise
Improve your diet
Improve your blood pressure
Improve your blood sugar
Improve your cholesterol
Consider low-dose aspirin
Avoid tobacco
Don’t abuse alcohol
Care for your emotions
Protect your head
Build social networks

This is a very well done and comprehensive list. However, most of us look at these habits and think, “Well, I’m working on a few of these, already, I’m doing well on these few, and I’m not sure I have time and energy for those few.” It can be a bit overwhelming. Here are some ideas for busy people, to put a bit of time in for a healthy brain:

Get external support for working out. Exercise helps cover a number of the above good habits. Having worked with many executives who struggle in the area of working out, my experience is that the #1 key to a lifetime of working out several times a week, is bringing others into your regimen. That can mean working out with someone, joining a class, having someone send you a support text on the days you are scheduled to hit the gym, or hiring a trainer. We are more motivated and consistent when we stop doing this as a lone ranger, and bring someone else into the situation.

Engage in gaining info about the brain once a week. What we think about, we focus on, and consequently, we are more prone to follow up about. Just spend 10 minutes a week reading an online article, or listening to a podcast, or watching a YouTube video on brain health. It will help keep you interested and motivated.

Notice your improvements. Nothing keeps us moving better than seeing small, incremental successes each week. It might be as simple as getting on the scale, or seeing yourself do better on a crossword puzzle. Baby steps help a lot here.

Take your future seriously. Most of us have a lot going on in the present that keeps us very busy: kids, marriage, relationships, careers and a social life. It is so easy to live day-by-day. Pulling back and looking at our lives year-by-year doesn’t feel real. But successful people, including those who are successful in brain health, never forget the future. It is coming, and just because we don’t see it, that train is always headed toward us. Be prepared by taking care of your brain. It is the same reasoning that makes us want to save for retirement, before we get too old to generate the savings we need.

So take some time in your calendar to be nice to your brain. It will thank you, in the form of clarity, memory, positivity and energy.

Best,

John

People Fuel, Part 2: What We Need from Each Other

August 28, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Research shows us that the quality of our relationships is a major indicator of how our quality of life works out. Those who don’t have enough sustained and safe relationships tend to have more health, relationship, emotional and career challenges. Relationships aren’t a luxury, they are a necessity, right up there with food and shelter.

In my new book People Fuel, I outline 4 Quadrants of what I call Relational Nutrients, that we are to regularly give and receive with each other. Just like our body needs bionutrients, neuroscience shows that these Relational Nutrients help our brains stay energetic, positive and focused. Only they don’t come in capsules. They are delivered via a face-to-face conversation, phone call, video, email or text. Here are the 4 areas:

Quadrant 1: Be Present
To be present means to “be there” and be personally and emotionally engaged with another person. Presence requires a few words, if any at all. When we are stressed or encountering challenges, sometimes advice is the last thing we need. But someone who can “enter our well” of challenge, can bring great benefit. This is because our most fundamental need is to know we are not alone, but that someone “gets it” about our situation. We need
Nutrients such as Acceptance, which is connection without judgement, and Attunement, which is “tuning in” to our emotional state and understanding it.

Quadrant 2: Convey the Good
Sometimes we feel a bit discouraged or “down” from some difficult situation at home or at work. But when someone conveys that they see good character, effort and achievement in us, it helps release oxytocin, which elevates our mood. All we need in these situations is for someone to give us Affirmation that we’re doing our best, or Encouragement that they believe in us.

Quadrant 3: Provide Reality
Life can throw complex situations at us, and we don’t have a quick solution. Work can be challenging and confusing, as well as relationships. We often need the right information, data or wisdom from someone who is “for” us. The Nutrients of Perspective and Insight often provide us with a better approach to a problem, so we can solve it.

Quadrant 4: Call to Action
At the end of the day, we need to do something, not just think something. Our behavior needs to become activated, to take an action step. This is when great Advice, or a Structured plan make all the difference in seeing the changes we need to make, that will make life work better.

Those are the Quadrants, and we need to receive and give Nutrients from each Quadrant pretty much every week.

Here’s the challenge: You must own your need, and you must also ask for your need, from the right person. It doesn’t work to wait for people to read your mind and try to give you a Nutrient that you might not need. But if you ask the right people, they will most likely be happy to help you. And you can give back to them.

We need to need. It’s how the world works! To get the whole list of all 22 Nutrients, get the book or just go to RelationalNutrients.com.

Best,

John

Resilience: The Skills To Help You Bounce Back

August 7, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Have you ever noticed that some people can have a setback and shrug it off, while the same setback can pretty much “tank” another person for a very long time? Whether we’re talking about relationship challenges, financial problems, emotional issues or health problems, the difference is an ability called resilience, which I define as the capacity to adapt to a stressor, and return to normal functioning. By “normal functioning” I mean a positive mood vs depression, good energy levels vs debilitating fatigue and the ability to maintain one’s relationships and work habits. It’s encouraging to know also that resilience is not as much an inherent gift that some people have, as it is a set of learnable skills that we can all apply. Here are some keys to bouncing back:

Stay (or become) connected vulnerably to a few good people. The neuroscience research is overwhelming about this. There is no way to overestimate the power of attachments with a few people you can open up to, and be supported by. My new bestselling book People Fuel has lots of information about the skills to do this.

Become engaged in the meaningful. Stressors have a way of “owning” our time and focus. Like a dog gnawing on a bone, our brains often obsess and chew on the loss or challenge, for way too much time in our day. They can create high anxiety and fatigue. So, while you can’t make yourself completely stop thinking about the stressor, you can make sure most of your day is spent engaging and being involved in what matters to you: meaningful work, people you care about, working out, good meals and positive activities.

Move into structure. A regular and somewhat predictable daily structure is very good for you too. When New Yorkers experienced the 911 terrorist attacks, researchers found that the survivors of that tragedy did better when they returned to work soon. Knowing what time their meetings, calls and breaks were scheduled for, helped their brains regulate and establish a sense of control.

Get yourself off the hook. Guilt plays a big part in stress. We often blame ourselves 100% for something we are 2% responsible for, and we beat ourselves up day after day. While we are always supposed to take responsibility for any mistakes we have made, apologize, and change our behavior, we shouldn’t take ownership for things we haven’t done. So write down what percent of the stressor is from you, what percent is from other people, and what percent is just from living in an imperfect world. Get in balance with responsibility, and your guilt will diminish. And for the percent that is yours, experience the great gift of forgiveness and acceptance for your imperfections.

Resilience can help you pretty quickly begin feeling, thinking and acting in your normal patterns again. Best wishes.

John