Dr. John Townsend

Tag: vulnerable

  • 4 Components of Good Character

    4 Components of Good Character

    “It builds character.”

    You’ve surely heard the phrase at least once in your life. Generally, that statement is said to a person after something negative has happened in their lives that they must now overcome. So, by now, you’ve probably heard it at least once.

    Look, life is tough. It just is. I understand the struggles surrounding getting older, becoming parents and grandparents, upsizing, downsizing, illness, career transitions, grief – this list goes on and on. How you handle the ups and downs of life makes all the difference and can indeed build character.

    What Exactly Is “Character?”

    Admittedly, the definition of “character” is somewhat abstract.

    I define it as having a set of abilities required to meet the demands of reality. Most of the time, we are not really in control of what’s happening around us. That’s okay. It’s part of God’s plan for us.

    As you know, life has many requirements to function. As you get older, it goes from making the bed and tying your shoelaces to finding your life’s passion, marrying the right person, having a family, and eventually retiring to enjoy your golden years. All of that “stuff” requires character because none of it is easy at the outset.

    To make life work, you must focus on character growth first, and not just the results you want in the end.

    Why Is Character Growth Important?

    There are two main reasons character growth is so critical to all aspects of your life.

    First, everything starts with who you are on the inside. Who you are shapes how you behave. How you behave then becomes how you relate and how you relate becomes how you succeed.

    So, it starts with the inside and works outward. We all want great relationships. Character growth allows how we are on the inside to create the warmth that radiates around us.

    Secondly, character is important because life has lots of demands. They can be simple or they can be as complicated. Either way, life is demanding and your character shapes how you approach and handle these situations.

    The Four Components of Good Character

    Now, I’m going to break down the four components of good character. These will make all the difference for having a successful life.

      1. Attachment: Attachment is the ability to trust and be vulnerable, to be able to open up to people and create a support network. These could be people who end up on your life team. You also understand that not everyone is safe or meant to be a part of that. Attachment means finding the right people to provide the nutrients you need for growth. Read about how to create your life team here.
      2. Separation: Separation means the ability to have your own voice, make your own choices, and to be a free person. Because some people are very attached, they have relationships, but they feel guilty about speaking up and about disagreeing and confronting. This means they don’t have good boundaries. Separation and attachment need to balance each other out as you work on your character.
      3. Integration: Integration means there are two kinds of realities in our life: There’s the positive realities of my strengths, good people, good experiences, and great mission in life. But, there are also negative realities, like my own brokenness, my own failure, my own losses, my own pains, how other people let me down, and how I’ve let other people down. Integration means I can live with the positives very well and I can embrace the negatives at the same time.
      4. Maturity: Maturity means I am confident in who I am and I know why I’m here. Maybe you’ve raised a great family and have a wonderful career. Maybe you’ve learned to walk away from negative relationships. Maturity also means being able to take everyone’s needs into consideration when making important decisions, including your own.

    So, what now? In your own life, start identifying those four character growth components and see where you have room for growth.

    Life will not work until we have the character to make it work.

     

  • Follow These 3 Steps to Find Your Life Team

    Follow These 3 Steps to Find Your Life Team

    Your life team is critically important to your wellbeing. This support system will help you overcome the challenges you face in the personal and professional realms.

    I’m going to discuss my three-step process to help find those great people to have in your corner when the going gets tough below. Hopefully, you will be inspired to find your life team!

    1. Identify Your Life Team

    First of all, what is a life team? Let’s talk about this a little bit.

    In your life, you are going to interact with thousands of people. Family, friends, classmates, coworkers, etc. Having the right kind of people in our lives is a great gift.

    Think of your life path like your car. It needs fuel to get down the road. It needs proper maintenance to run correctly and keep you safe. By the same token, you also need the right kind of people in your life. Your life is there to help you accomplish the things you need to do to be successful.

    They might offer you support in the following areas:

    • Take care of your family
    • Make the money you need
    • Have the right kind of job
    • Get up in the morning and feel good
    • Go work out. Have friends
    • Go take vacations
    • Achieve things

    Do You Need a Life Team?

    Maybe you are wondering if you actually need a life team in order to get the most out of your experiences. Let’s examine this a bit.

    • Do you ever feel overwhelmed by your to-do list at work at home?
    • Are you completely satisfied with your career?
    • Is your overall physical and emotional health where you want it to be?

    Chances are, you have areas in your personal and professional growth that could use support.

    When you aren’t able to make things happen on your own (without support), it’s time to consider changing your fueling system in your car. It’s time to make an effort to build your life team.

    We tend to hang around the people in our lives because they chose us. Throughout life, you just kind of choose people who reciprocate. They might pick you because you’re nice, warm, have answers, or you’re kind.

    If you really want to get the energy you need, as well as the resources, wisdom, and the smarts you need in life, you’re going to have to pick some people to change your fuel a little bit.

    This doesn’t necessarily mean reject or condemn anybody. We all have friends at different levels. It just means you must make sure you’ve got the right people in your corner.

    2. Understand Why a Life Team is Important for Growth

    So now that you understand what a life team is, let’s talk a little bit about why you need to assemble yours now.

    So much of the energy we need to live life comes from other people. It just does! Much like vitamins for our physical body, we have the need for certain people in our circle for a great life. Your life team will give you those nutrients; their support will give you the energy needed to keep growing and moving forward! You then use that energy to fulfill your purpose in the world.

    Surrounding yourself with people who you can count on, who will listen to you, who give you warmth, and won’t judge is critical to overcoming obstacles. It’s that simple!  

    3. Create a Life Team

    We’ve covered what a life team is and why it’s important. Now, let’s get started on creating your life team.

    Ideally, you need somewhere between 3-10 people on your life team. Ten is kind-of the maximum because it takes time to develop in-depth relationships with people. Keep in mind that the larger the group, the longer it will take.

    Your time is valuable and so is theirs. Less than three people may not provide the life nutrients you need for growth.

    The great thing about people is that everyone contributes something different to your life. Certain people have wisdom, while others offer empathy, challenge you to grow, or have strong insight.

    Now, This is Not a Team in the Traditional Sense.

    I know it sounds like everyone is getting #TeamYou jerseys. But, the truth is you probably won’t meet your life team all at one time. Think of them as people you pick up along the way.

    Let me tell you about my own life team. I have 10 people on Team Townsend because I have a lot of needs. They all live in different parts of the country and don’t know each other well. The common thread connecting them is me!  

    What Does it Take to Be #TeamYou?

    Consider these questions as you seek out people who can provide valuable nutrients for growth:

    • Can they be vulnerable with you and can you be vulnerable with them? If you can’t be vulnerable, you can really never get what you need out of the relationship. When people feel they have to have it all together all the time, they’ll sort of never get anywhere in life. Vulnerability is a real answer to growth.
    • Can you really be honest about the negatives in your life, including failure, things you’re embarrassed about, and things where you’re beating yourself up? Not only must players on your life team be vulnerable, they’ve got to have total safety. There’s no shaming, no judging, and no advice a lot of the time. Chances are they will be great listeners and great at asking you the right questions to help you find answers.
    • Can they challenge you and offer honesty? They must be able to say, “I think you’re going the wrong direction here,” or maybe just give you wisdom or data or information or life experiences. Bottom line – they’ve got to have truth in them.
    • Is there chemistry? If you don’t really like them personally, then you won’t want to have lunch or coffee with them. If you don’t enjoy spending time with them and learning from them, don’t add them to your life team!

    Life Team: Assemble!

    Ready to assemble your life team? Let’s get started! Here are my suggestions to get you started.

    Make two lists. One is a list of the prospects by going through your email and phone contacts. Make a second list of the people that shouldn’t be prospects.

    Although it may sound harsh, this is an important part of the process. After some reflection, you may learn you’re letting people in your boundary space that you shouldn’t. Or maybe you’re not giving enough time and energy to the relationships that benefit you. Trust me, you’ll find a lot of good things happen when you do those two lists.

    This list will likely take you a couple of hours, but prune the list down to 20-40 people. Then, pick the first person that looks like an ideal life team member and, call them and ask to catch up. Spend some time with them.

    When you talk, take one little step of vulnerability. Maybe you admit something is kind-of hard to them, like “I’m really struggling with my job,” or, “One of our kids is kind of going south,” or “I’m struggling with my dating life,” or whatever. Be open to the person.

    If they give you a bunch of advice, change the subject, or talk about themselves, that’s not a good sign.

    But, if they move toward you and say, “I had no idea. Tell me more about that. That’s really hard,” you know you’ve got a potential. The key here is that they are able to listen, and not make it about themselves.

    I recommend that you have three or four lunches or coffee meet-ups with someone you consider a prospect for your life team before creating your final roster. Their support will be critical to your overall growth, so take your time and get it right!

    Once you have picked your life team, your next step is asking them for their support. What you say after three or four meetings is, “I’m getting really intentional about my growth. And I know my growth involves getting a lot of people around me who really want to grow and change and support each other, and I’d like to meet on a regular basis.”

    It will take time to build a team, somewhere between four and six months. A life team can’t be sporadic.

    Try to get together regularly, whether it’s once a month or once a week to just talk about life and how you can help each other grow.

    If you’re struggling with identifying who should be on your life team, let me help you. Subscribe to TownsendNOW today and start identifying the good people who can truly help you grow.

     

     

  • Key Essential Skills in Life

    Key Essential Skills in Life

    When looking at neuroscience and performance research, I find two groups of skills sets are necessary for success in life.

    The first is “task skills.” These are the “doing” aspects, like making goals and forging a path to success.

    The second is “people skills.” These are the “relating” aspects, which center on creating inspiration and healthy culture for those around you.

    As research continues to come out, it is increasingly important for you to learn several specific “people abilities” which drive everything:

    Here are the Top 3:

    1. Listening well: All too often, we let people talk. But in our minds, we are formulating our response to them before they are finished. I often have my clients paraphrase what others are saying, asking, “Do I get your point of view now,” before they respond.
    2. Being vulnerable: Many times, we want to put up a shield so as not to show weakness. However, we find people are actually drawn more to a person who is open about their weaknesses and failures.
    3. Being direct: This is the ability, to be honest and emotionally present at the same time. It is more difficult than you think. Learn to keep your eye contact and your connectedness, even during the tough talks.

    Let us help you forge your own path to professional or personal success.