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4 Tips To Avoid Drama

August 24, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Human beings are prone to drama. Unfortunate, but true. It’s just in our nature.

You need to know how to work through drama when you encounter it. Otherwise, you’re headed toward a vicious cycle that will only drain you emotionally.

How Does Drama Start?

What is drama? Drama is when a person has an emotional meltdown in your presence. If you’ve ever had a conversation with someone and things begin to escalate with no good resolutions, you understand how drama can evolve quickly.

Difficult conversations are often a result of trying to diffuse drama. Read my thoughts on how to approach a difficult conversation with grace and truth here.

4 Tips for Avoiding Drama

Here are four tips to help you avoid these unproductive and useless conversations.

Avoid the toxic triangle and communicate. A toxic triangle is when one person hears something about another person through a third party. You probably know it better as “gossip.” For example, you don’t want to hear that your boss thinks you have a poor attitude from a coworker. Instead, you need to have a healthy and open conversation with your manager where you both are vulnerable. Direct communication always wins out over triangulation.
Nip it in the bud. Misunderstandings between people almost always fester over time if we ignore them. Let’s say you had a conflict with a friend. Don’t let the issue linger. It’ll create an awkward and unhealthy environment when you’re spending time with mutual friends who will know the conflict hasn’t been resolved. That creates drama. Take the initiative and act.
Listen before you express your point of view. When you can see that the other person is upset, don’t try to explain yourself immediately. They are not experiencing you from their rational, prefrontal cortex part of the brain. They are lodged in the amygdala, where they feel fight, flight, freeze or fold feelings. Instead, show concern for what they feel, and authentically make statements such as, “That must be difficult”, “Tell me more,” and “It sounds overwhelming.” Don’t assume this has worked because you said it. Ask if you understand. This calms down a great deal of drama so that people can get to be friends again.
Set ground rules. Unfortunately, there are people who are just walking dramas. They blow up, interrupt, yell and make life miserable for everyone. Also, they tend to never solve their problems! When you are with this type of person, before you have the talk, set these three ground rules:
- We can finish sentences without the other person interrupting.
- We can be upset, but not yelling or disrespectful.
- We will seek to understand what each other is saying.

Most people will agree to these fairly simple boundaries. However, keep in mind that, when the conversation begins, they will lose their perspective and start violating the ground rules. That’s okay. Just gently remind the other person of the boundary: “Remember the interrupting ground rule? I need to finish my sentence first.” Most people will remember and agree to continue in the right way. If they continue to violate your set boundaries, simply halt the conversation and say you will need to resume it at another time when the other party can abide by the rules in a calm manner.

Open communication and boundaries are the keys to negating drama before it gets out of control. Follow these four suggestions and you’ll be on the road to a drama-free life!

Feeling Insecure? Here Are 3 Healthy Ways to Deal

August 20, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Feeling insecure from time to time is completely normal, especially when you are actively trying to grow and challenge yourself to be your best. From a young age, we learn to compare ourselves to others. While this comparison in small doses is natural, it also sets us up to feel negative things sometimes, including insecurity.

Social media makes this human tendency of comparison a little too easy sometimes because it creates a space to feel insecure. Have you ever found yourself seeing a social media update from a friend or family member that made you lose confidence in yourself? That uncertainty, that anxiousness about yourself, that’s insecurity!

Insecurity can be a big problem if it isn’t addressed because it will slow you down and keep you from accomplishing your goals.

Deep down, we know we have enough resources, talent, and motivation to accomplish our goals. But, when we’re insecure, we’re not confident. That lack of confidence can hinder us from taking that next step toward the finish line! Don’t let your self-doubt hinder you!

The 3 Ps: Negative Approaches to Handling Insecurity

When insecurity comes into play, it can be hard to immediately know how to handle this negative feeling. I’m going to talk about a few of the negative ways people try to deal with insecurity, what I call the Three Ps.

Being Passive. The first P is being passive. Insecure people tend to want to stay in their comfort zones. For example, sitting around on a Friday night, waiting for someone to invite you somewhere instead of proactively asking someone to try out a new restaurant. Sorry, wishful thinking doesn’t actually work my friends! Over time, being passive about your life (instead of actively trying to improve and grow) causes you to become a very insecure person, and you isolate yourself more and more as you wait for something to change.
Pretending. The second approach to handling insecurity involves pretending you’re confident. Just saying “fake it ‘til you make it” during public speaking or engaging in polite conversation will only get you so far. It’s not a true fix. It will just get you in the ballpark, but you’ve got to be honest about your insecurity to get off the bench.
People-Pleasing. The third approach has to do with people-pleasing. Insecure people tend to give enormous power to other people, instead of using their own power. You say “yes” to attending events or doing favors even when, deep down, you should focus on yourself and re-energize.

If you have some insecurities in your life, don’t be discouraged. You can change the tone of your inner voice to be positive and healthy! A good first step is to put an end to self-judgment. You can read more about that here.

The 3 Rs: Three Healthy Ways to Deal with Insecurity

So far, I’ve shared my three Ps for handling insecurity in a negative way. Now, I’m going to go through three healthy ways to deal with insecurity that really work, what I like to call the three R’s.

Relationships. The first healthy way to deal with insecurity is through relationships. In your life, you must have a few healthy relationships with safe people that see you, see through you, and say, “You know, there’s a lot of good in you and I know you’ve had bad experiences before, maybe you’ve made mistakes, but I see a good person there. And I like you and I will help you.” The key is to focus on those relationships that don’t control you and grows you in the right direction.
Risk. The second way to handle insecurity relates to how you view risk. If you’re an insecure person, you become risk-averse by not putting yourself out there to try and engage in new relationships or hobbies. Learn to live with risk, move past your anxiousness and try new things. To clarify, when I talk about “risky” behavior here, I am not referring to anything that could be harmful to yourself or someone else. This risk is more along the lines of taking a chance or trying something for the first time. It’s not easy, but it’ll be worth it.
Resetting. Finally, dealing with insecurity sometimes means resetting. You’ve got to hit the reset button on how you feel about yourself, especially when you engage in (positive) risky behavior designed to push your boundaries. You begin to reset how you feel about yourself because of putting yourself out there, and you are also changing the way you react to new, risky situations.

Insecurity happens. No matter how confident you are, you will have insecure moments. The key to handling insecurity in a healthy way is in how you manage it. Remember the three R’s (relationships, risk, and resetting) if you get stuck. Get out of your comfort zone and get beyond insecurity!

What are the Positives and Negatives of Isolation?

August 17, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

One of the most important aspects of our lives is the need for connection and great relationships. When we don’t have that connection, we can find ourselves in isolation. While it can be healthy in limited doses, isolation can be harmful to your wellbeing when it turns into an extended period of time.

Isolation Is Not Always Bad

First, let’s talk about small periods of “alone time.” Isolation in small doses is a good thing.

All of us, even the extroverts among us, need “me time” to rest, recharge, and get our heads back in the game of life. This “me time” possibly includes being alone in one’s home or office, reading, listening to music or taking a walk.

Our brains crave a space during the day. In this space, there is no external stimulation coming in which we need to deal with, such as someone’s questions, or story or simply talking about their experiences. Alone is a good thing in this context. It’s not permanent. It’s just a “time out,” if you will.

Loneliness is often a symptom of isolation. I share four tips to help you move away from loneliness and into healthy relationships here.

The 3 Types of Negative Isolation

A little isolation is okay. But, if you are not careful, it can turn into prolonged periods where we don’t connect with anyone. Isolation can sort-of take control of your life.

I want to outline the three types of isolation which aren’t helpful for us and how we can address them.

Continual interpersonal isolation. This is where there’s “too much” aloneness. It may be that you are very busy at work, or don’t regularly reach out to friends or family. Regardless, research indicates that we need some sort of meaningful, supportive contact with people every week of our lives. So, if life has you in a busy-and-isolated season, that’s fine. That’s normal. But, don’t make it a lifestyle. Have lunch or a good phone call with supportive, safe people a minimum of three times a week.
The isolation of exposure to chronic relationships. You may not be technically alone, but if you spend significant amounts of time on people who drain you or are toxic, you are not experiencing the transfer of relational nutrients that you need. You may be isolating yourself without even knowing it if you are not with someone who listens, is emphatic, and wants the best for you. If this is your situation, prune back the chronic relationship and increase the supportive connections.
The isolation in our minds. Some people can be around supportive, warm relationships all day and STILL don’t feel connected. This is because their mental isolation is so pervasive that, try as they might, they can’t let others in. So, they always feel they are “on the outside looking in” on life and not a part of rich relationships. This is a problem called detachment, which is the inability to make vulnerable connections. If this is the issue, you can get help, in the form of a coach or therapist who specializes in detachment.

There is a great deal of information and research on isolation. It can be overwhelming, but not insurmountable by any means. Live in a relationship, even if it’s just a platonic friendship. Don’t let isolation rule over a life of connection, love, meaning, and energy.

3 Healthy Ways to Handle Shame

August 13, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Shame is a big deal because simply put, it can cripple you. Shame is what happens when we experience a self-attack and tell ourselves we’re just not worthy of being loved.

Everybody feels shame at some point and it can be excruciating. Deciding to handle this difficult emotion in a healthy way can make a significantly positive impact on your life!

Shame: “It Cuts Like a Knife”

Bryan Adams lyrics aside, shame can literally feel like you’ve been hurt by a sharp object. You physically ache. You feel useless or think you let everybody down or that nobody really likes you. These are overwhelming feelings that can break you down if you are not mindful.

Some people feel ashamed for not being perfect, having needs, for needing reassurance, or for asking for time. Some people even feel ashamed for success because they think it’s going to make them a narcissist. No – stop doing that! These feelings are nothing to be ashamed of! In fact, they are quite normal.

Shame can often come right after a failure. Learn four healthy ways to handle failure and turn it into a positive!

The Wrong Ways to Counter Shame

We may be prone to dealing with shame the wrong way. This can lead to even bigger problems. Here are a few wrong ways to counter shame.

First, we try to ignore it. If you ignore your feelings in one way, they’re going to manifest in another way. They’ll come up as an attitude problem or show as physical problems like colitis, backaches, headaches, and GI problems. If you don’t handle those feelings of shame and instead ignore them, your body will process in other (negative) ways.

Maybe, instead of ignoring our shame, we beat ourselves up more and then give in to the feeling that we messed up or aren’t worthy. Now, all of a sudden, you are beating yourself up and that just makes things worse.

Long story short, you’re not fine. But, it’s okay.

3 Healthy Ways to Handle Shame

We’ve talked briefly about unhealthy ways to handle shame. You are no longer going to ignore it, or feel ashamed of it, right? Good! Instead, let’s consider these healthy approaches to shame.

Recognize that it’s happening and don’t give in to shame. When you start to feel shame, go, “That inner judge is beating me up again.” Just the fact that you’re aware of the feeling and can identify it can alleviate a lot of the pain. Self-awareness is your friend!
Know why you feel shame. Now that you recognize how shame feels for you, the next step is understanding why this feeling came about. Is it because you failed at something recently, or are you remembering something from your past? Do a little digging. What was the sequence of events that triggered your feeling of shame? This analysis is important to help you start identifying potential shame triggers so you can avoid them in the future!
Connect. Sometimes it can take a little time and personal interaction with someone you trust to shake off a feeling of shame. Spend some time with someone who de-shames you, really cares about you, and talk about what you are ashamed of with them. This release can be incredibly healing!

Self-attacks are an unfortunate reality of life. We shouldn’t ignore it or just try to work through it because the shame will simply cause more problems, both psychological and physical. It’s just not worth it. Dealing with shame in a healthy way is the only way to go. Get connected to the safe people in your life and start working through why you’re attacking yourself today. I promise you’ll feel better!

Follow These 4 Steps To Work Through Loneliness

August 6, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Few emotional experiences are more painful than loneliness. We have all felt this way at some point. It could be 10 minutes, 10 days, or even 10 years. Some experience it over a lifetime.

No one should live with loneliness.

What is Loneliness?

I think of loneliness as being relationally incomplete. Being relationally incomplete means there is something missing (inside) that longs to have a person there. It’s like a hole in your heart in the metaphoric sense.

Much of the time, you’re lonely for a specific person, like your spouse or a friend or your boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes, you may miss your parents, especially if they’ve passed away.

Other times, loneliness might be a general feeling of, “I’m always relationally incomplete.” People who are lonely make feel like they’re walking through life with something missing. This often can feel really bad because you don’t think you can do anything about it.

Believe it or not, choice is a big factor when it comes to combating loneliness. I discuss my four principles for choosing the right people here.

These Tactics Don’t Work

Loneliness can become overpowering if you are not mindful. Maybe you’ve experienced this in your own life.

First and foremost, do not ignore your feelings of loneliness and/or try to power through it. All of us get busy: we work hard and try to do well in our jobs, and get involved in activities and hobbies. While those things are great, they aren’t a cure-all for the feeling of loneliness. The reason these activities don’t “fix” our loneliness is simple: loneliness is about relationships, whereas work and hobbies are about tasks. Just being busy isn’t going to fix the outlying problem of feeling disconnected from others.

Second, stop hoping for a fairy tale. That’s where you wish somebody would come along and rescue you out of your loneliness. Sorry, that’s not realistic! In the clinical world, we call that a “passive rescue wish.” A “passive rescue wish” means I want to sit back and hope somebody calls, texts, or comes and knocks on the door. It’s when you expect someone to save you (instead of saving yourself.) If you are waiting for someone else to help, you’re not taking charge of your own loneliness and happiness. I strongly encourage you to reach out when you are feeling lonely to a good friend or close family member so you can start to recognize how being proactive can help combat isolation. There is nothing wrong with asking for a little help!

The third thing that won’t work relates to dropping our standards in order to stop the feeling of loneliness. Basically, we allow anyone and everyone to have some of our time and energy because we long for human connection. If those people are positive influences, that’s great, but what if they are toxic people, highly dysfunctional people, or narcissists? Sometimes we have to consider the quality of the company; be mindful of what is getting your energy/attention.

You CAN do better than that.

Follow These 4 Steps to Work Through Loneliness

Now that we’ve covered a few things you shouldn’t do to when dealing with loneliness, here’s what you can do if you are experiencing this difficult emotion.

Recognize that loneliness is normal. Be aware that feeling lonely is very normal. Everyone at some point in their life will feel disconnected from others. Don’t beat yourself up for that. Instead, recognize your loneliness and then take a step forward to change it.
Focus on the safe people in your life. If you don’t have anybody, you have to make the effort. For example, if you’ve just moved to a new town, find a really healthy church and reach out and say, “Can we have dinner?” When you have that dinner, you must be vulnerable. You must say, “I’m just not having dinner to talk about, you know, sports and vacation and stuff. I’ve kinda had a lonely time.” A safe person will go, “I had no idea. I had no idea you felt like that. Tell me more about it.” When you’re vulnerable, then their warmth and care gets inside and starts to finish that up.
Take in the love. Relationships are life fuel. They are the nutrients that bring us happiness and joy. The good relationships in our lives are with people who give us acceptance and love, empathy and understanding, and they sometimes kick us in the butt. That feeling of love energizes us to go create something, to start that business, to be a great parent, or go serve others. Loneliness gets solved when you take in the great energy people give you.
Give and receive. What we put out into the world is what we receive in return. Be grateful and demonstrate gratitude. What you focus on becomes your priority, so be determined to live graciously with yourself and others. Loneliness only truly begins to dissipate when we are vulnerable with others and offer warmth, grace, and truth in return.

Hopefully, these four tips will help you combat the feeling of loneliness. You can also try getting around someone you care about and just saying, “I’d like to spend some time with you, I’m feeling lonely right now.” Give them the opportunity to show you how much they care and then use that energy to go do something you’ve been meaning to do.

4 Must-Haves for a Healthy Marriage

July 30, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Barbi and I just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. She is a wonderful wife, mother, and partner. We make a great team and she is my gift from God.

Our recent anniversary led me to reflect on what makes a healthy marriage. I want to now share some of the lessons I’ve learned about maintaining a healthy relationship in three decades, not only as a husband but as a marital counselor as well.

What Does Marriage Really Mean?

While simple on paper, the concept of marriage is actually a complex construct. Two people agree to have a relationship, they fall in love with each other, and decide to commit to a life together before God. There’s a ceremony to affirm that commitment where your friends and family are present.

At the same time, marriage is a legally binding contract. The reason states require a marriage license is because you’re entering into a business agreement with another person. It’s just a fact of the relationship. Marriage is not just a commitment of love, but a mixing of financial and spiritual resources.

Is marriage always a passionate romance? Unfortunately, no.

More often than not, it’s the comfort of doing laundry or cooking dinner with your partner. It’s catching up on your favorite TV shows and attending church together. It’s watching your kids grow up and become successful adults with children of their own. It’s the simple parts of day-to-day life where you come to see your partner as more than a spouse, but a best friend offering unconditional love, warmth, truth, and grace.

So, what does marriage really mean? It’s about finding balance and support.

If you want to get better at managing disagreements in your relationship, I have some tips for having productive difficult conversations in the video portal.

4 Must-Haves for a Healthy Marriage

No matter how long you’ve been married, you can always learn a new skill to better your relationship with your spouse.

1. 1. Faithfulness. This is a no-brainer without a doubt. First and foremost, you must say to yourself, “I will be faithful to my spouse emotionally, sexually and spiritually.” When you focus on faithfulness, you’ve made sure that God is in the center of the picture of your marriage. Now, you have the architecture for a really strong marriage because both people are on the same page.
  2. Establish and maintain boundaries. Boundaries are basically a property line. When you understand what they’re meant to do and the way God designed boundaries to work, you can see how they would fit very well in marriage. Boundaries let us know what we are responsible for in our lives. They define what we’re responsible to protect and grow in a relationship, and what we are not. In marriage, you need boundaries. When boundaries aren’t clearly set, it leads to unnecessary strife and conflict because you aren’t sure who is “responsible” for what and that is difficult. Boundaries in marriage are not about fixing or changing your mate.
  3. Fight Fair. Anyone who has been married for any amount of time understands – conflict will happen. You’re not going to agree on everything. It’s just not reality. Conflict is stressful, especially in a marriage, because it makes us anxious. But, the good news is that freedom and responsibility are the nutrients of a healthy marriage, including the freedom to disagree. When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love.
  4. Provide Warmth and Safety. Believe it or not, providing warmth and safety is the main component of a healthy marriage. This means supporting your partner, no matter what. This means you are an advocate for them, even in times of conflict. Take a moment and reflect – “Can my spouse come to me and be open and vulnerable about their feelings without fear of any backlash?” If the answer is no, start working on this now! Showing your spouse unconditional love and grace is what will help sustain your relationship during tough times like losing a parent or a job.
In general, I am “pro-marriage.” I think it is one of the greatest gifts God can give anybody when both participants are actively working together as a team. I will always tell people to look at the four core competencies above to work on having an even more amazing marriage!