Dr. John Townsend

Dr. John Townsend and his team offer executive coaching, corporate consulting, and leadership training in a variety or programs. Join us today!

Growth

Your Brain is Worth Changing Your Lifestyle For

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We all know the importance of brain health. The research is so strong about how much better our lives are if our brain is doing well. For example, Harvard Health Publishing suggests the following habits to follow:

  • Get mental stimulation
  • Get physical exercise
  • Improve your diet
  • Improve your blood pressure
  • Improve your blood sugar
  • Improve your cholesterol
  • Consider low-dose aspirin
  • Avoid tobacco
  • Don’t abuse alcohol
  • Care for your emotions
  • Protect your head
  • Build social networks

This is a very well done and comprehensive list.  However, most of us look at these habits and think, “Well, I’m working on a few of these, already, I’m doing well on these few,  and I’m not sure I have time and energy for those few.”  It can be a bit overwhelming. Here are some ideas for busy people, to put a bit of time in for a healthy brain:

Get external support for working out. Exercise helps cover a number of the above good  habits. Having worked with many executives who struggle in the area of working out, my experience is that the #1 key to a lifetime of working out several times a week, is bringing others into your regimen.  That can mean working out with someone, joining a class, having someone send you a support text on the days you are scheduled to hit the gym, or hiring a trainer. We are more motivated and consistent when we stop doing this as a lone ranger, and bring someone else into the situation.

Engage in gaining info about the brain once a week. What we think about, we focus on, and consequently, we are more prone to follow up about. Just spend 10 minutes a week reading an online article, or listening to a podcast, or watching a YouTube video on brain health. It will help keep you interested and motivated.

Notice  your improvements. Nothing keeps us moving better than seeing small, incremental successes each week. It might be as simple as getting on the scale, or seeing yourself do better on a crossword puzzle. Baby steps help a lot here.

Take your future seriously. Most of us have a lot going on in the present that keeps us very busy: kids, marriage, relationships, careers and a social life.  It is so easy to live day-by-day.  Pulling back and looking at our lives year-by-year doesn’t feel real. But successful people, including those who are successful in brain health, never forget the future.  It is coming, and just because we don’t see it, that train is always headed toward us. Be prepared by taking care of your brain. It is the same reasoning that makes us want to save for retirement, before we get too old to generate the savings we need.  

So take some time in your calendar to be nice to your brain. It will thank you, in the form of clarity, memory, positivity and energy.

Best,

John


Positivity

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In general, a lifetime’s worth of a positive attitude will result in more success and fulfillment than a lifetime’s worth of a negative attitude.  People who believe in the good in others, in themselves, and in their situations, will generally do better in their endeavors. So let’s look at a few tips to help you develop this capacity for yourself.

Determine your “why.”  Positivity requires some thought and effort, so you have to have a reason to make the effort worth it.  Being positively positive so you can be positive is…weird.  So what is a good reason?  Here are a few that really matter to us: 

  • Motivation: Being driven to do something intentional about your life or situation.
  • Resilience:  Being able to bounce back from a loss or failure, and move ahead.
  • Energy:  Having the wherewithal to take effort.
  • Creativity:  Being able to access new ways of looking at life, relationships and opportunities.

So think through these, and realize that positivity will help you get what you’d like in life.

Journal your positive and negative thoughts every day for a week.  When we journal we are able to notice patterns. And patterns tell us a great deal. Just spend 10 minutes remembering the events of your day, and what positive or negative thoughts you had about them. You may find that you tend to be especially negative at work, or at home, or when you have a challenge, or even a win, because sometimes we devalue our wins so that we won’t be disappointed.  

Discover what tends to happen that causes negativity in yourself. From that journaling, focus on the areas in which you find yourself the most negative, and dig into the reasons. You may have had failures in the past, or have disappointed yourself.  

Tie in power to positivity. A great deal of positivity comes from knowing we are not helpless in life. When we don’t think we have choices, we enter what psychologists call a state of learned helplessness, and it is very difficult to feel positive. You don’t have to feel like you are Superman or Wonder Woman, with almost unlimited power. But realize you always have a choice somewhere, and use it.

Embrace, don’t avoid, the negative. I know people who are addicted to total positivity, 24/7. It’s almost as if they must see the half full cup at all times, and have a huge smile doing it. The problem is that these people are actually less committed to reality than to positivity, but the truth is that reality is the only place we should live. So move toward the negatives in your life. Admit them, bring them to supportive people, find solutions and accept what can’t change. The most successful people I know have this mantra:  accepting the positive and the negative, but with positive being dominant. In other words, give a little more focus to the positive, in the end. 

Be with people who have realistic belief in you. The right people are a significant source of positivity. When you don’t believe in yourself, spend some time with an individual who sees you more positively than you do yourself. Neuroscience research says it’s almost contagious. Just make sure their belief is realistic, and not “I just know you’ll play in the NFL and then be President of the United States”…unless that is actually realistic!

Be with people who can “go there.” Ironically, we also benefit from those who simply understand our disappointments and being overwhelmed. You would think those individuals would make us more negative. But what really happens is that we don’t feel alone. We feel connected. Being with someone who can be “in the well” with us, as I describe in my book People Fuel, might be the most powerful positivity enhancer of all.

Develop the capacity of a positive attitude.  It really makes a difference.

Best,

John  

Clarity: The Capacity to Perceive the Important

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We’ve all had “ah-ha” experiences in life, and hopefully we have more than less of them, because they are very helpful in life, relationships, and leadership. Sometimes this can be called insight, or the lights came on, or even it all came together. All of these terms describe clarity. Simply put, clarity is the capacity to perceive the important.

When you find yourself frustrated in trying to communicate to another about how things are going in your life, and realize they are more engaged in their own world than they are yours, that is clarity: I’m working too hard to express myself here! Or when you are getting to work early in the morning leaving late in the evening, and realize you need to work smarter instead of harder, that is clarity: I have to come at this from another angle!

The opposite of clarity is obscurity. Think of when your car windshield is dirty from the weather. You can’t see what’s out there, and the outside view is fuzzy. When we fail to engage in clarity, our choices and relationships don’t go right, and we don’t get to our goals and passions.

Fortunately, clarity is a skill that can be learned and used practically. When you practice the following tips, it will save you lots of time, energy and resource.

Know what you want. You can’t figure out your route unless you know your
destination. If someone came to you with their Google Maps app open, and said, “How do I get there? I need clarity”, you would say, “Get where? To Des Moines, or to New Zealand, or to a great Chinese restaurant?” Don’t be hesitant to say what you want. Maybe you want your organization to be more efficient, or for your team to collaborate better. Maybe you want to solve a parenting problem that won’t go away. State it, and write it down for yourself.

Ask “why” before “how.” How is important, but it must always follow why. We are a quick-fix culture, and it’s not paying off for us. We often give in to band aid fixes (the how) and not permanent solutions at a core level (the why). I was working with two business partners who wanted to make decisions with less conflict. They started the conversation with, “we need 3 steps to better decisionmaking.” They had their laptops ready to take notes. I said, “Great, then let’s talk about why you have problems making decisions.” They were a little frustrated because they wanted quick answers, liked “active listening”, be rational” and “make a plan.” But I have done this enough that I knew if we didn’t find out why they clashed, those three answers would be useless. We got to the why, and things ended up well.

Be open to new and negative. Our brains tend to go in paths we are used to. We just stay in our comfort zones. An engineer friend of mine once told me that there are 2 rules of engineering: First, if something doesn’t work, use a hammer. Second, if it still doesn’t work, use a bigger hammer (apologies to all my engineer friends). Instead, get onto your whiteboard or a large sheet of paper, maybe with a team, and get outside of the box. Just brainstorm ideas, especially that involve bad news, which isn’t comfortable. But you might find clarity in that uncomfortable or negative place. It might be messy. It might involve effort. But who cares? This is actually the core of all creative inventiveness.

Look at yourself (ouch). Finally, people who use clarity are brave enough to face their own shame and self-judgment and say, “Could the problem be me?” In fact, the most successful people I work with start with this one. It’s the best first step. Remember: if one person tells you that you are a horse, tell them they need to be on meds. But if seven people tell you that you are a horse, go buy a saddle. Take the beam out of your eye and things will clear up.

Clarity will open you up to new answers and new opportunities. Spray that
ammonia solution on the windshield of your brain! It will be worth it.

Best,

John

People Fuel, Part 3: The Seven “C’s” of Relationships

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How is your “People Picker?” We all choose individuals to be around us, and most of them are pretty good finds. But it’s easy to also get a bit out of balance, and have a lot more “drain” conversations than “gain” conversations. This can lead to fatigue and burnout, and then everyone gets drained.

In my new book People Fuel, I present a model of the different types of relationships, the Seven “C’s”, that will help you be a bit more intentional and clear about knowing how to spend your time. Here is a summary of those “C’s”, ranked from highest to lowest resource for you:

  1. Coaches: Those individuals with whom we engage, to mentor, develop, guide and direct us. A coach can be paid or pro bono. Coaches have 3 qualities: (1) they are subject matter experts of in some area of your interest: leadership, parenting, emotional health, spiritual growth, or physical training for example; (2) they know how to coach. There is a science of coaching, and they know the theory and steps of taking a person from point A to point B. The Townsend Institute, for example, trains students in getting a Masters or a credential in Coaching (townsendinstitute.com); and (3) they have no personal need for you
    to be a mutual friend or buddy. That’s fine, but they make the time “all about you.”
  2. Comrades: Your Life Team. Those 3-10 individuals who know it all about you, accept you fully, but also tell you the truths you need to hear. Comrades are also fully involved in their own growth, and are vulnerable with you, as they want help from you as well, in mutual improvement. Comrades can be in a group, or individuals, or some hybrid.
  3. Casuals: Those friends and neighbors you have who are just good, positive people. Maybe your kids are on the same soccer teams, or you like the same music events. Casuals help us experience being in the moment and enjoying life with someone. They are also a “farm team” as potential Life Team members.
  4. Colleagues: We spend a great deal of time working, and it’s important to work with the right people. You don’t always have a say in those with whom you work. But as much as possible, work with those who are (1) truly competent; (2) relationally oriented; and (3) work well on teams. This can make your work life an energy-producing experience.
  5. Care: Those individuals who are without something they need, and which you have the capacity to supply to them. This can range from helping mentor a young business person to supporting young parents to digging wells in a developing country. Our Care relationships help us make the world a better place, and also they release oxytocin in us, the hormone that lifts our spirits, reinforcing us to repeat those behaviors again. We always need to be giving back in life, that’s a large part of what a healthy life is about. But we also need to be aware that we may be spending too much time and energy in too many Care relationships as well.
  6. Chronics: Sometimes called the “bless their heart” individuals. Chronics are not bad people, they are often very good people. They do have long term patterns of having lots of problems that rarely go away: job, financial, emotional, family and relationship struggles, for example. That is not a problem in and of itself, as we all have our challenges. But Chronics also have what I call a flat learning curve, that is, they don’t learn much from their experiences, nor do they apply all the advice you give them, time after time. They want to spend time with you, but more because you are a caring and supportive person, less because they want to apply your advice. You can spend enormous time and meetings trying to help Chronics, and just not see change.
  7. Contaminants: We are all imperfect, but Contaminants are at another level. They have bad motives. They tend to be envious, and desire to divide and damage others. They can attack your business, your church, your marriage, your family, or your own soul. When you have clear evidence that you are dealing with a Contaminant, you must warn them of their behavior, and then create safety and distance from them.

When I take leaders and families through these categories, the first thing they usually say is “Hey, I’m bottom heavy!” In other words, they become aware that they have too many Care, Chronic and Contaminant relationships, and not enough Coaches, Comrades and Casuals in their lives. This imbalance can lead to significant losses of energy and positivity.

The answer is to right-size matters. First build up the Coaches and Comrades, then begin pruning back the lower categories. I spell out exactly how to do this in the book, in a reasonable and respectful way.

You will be amazed at how things go better for you!

Best,

John

The Oldest Shoe Store in America and What We Can Learn from It

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My wife Barbi and I recently returned from a combination trip of attending a close friend’s destination wedding, plus vacationing, both in the beautiful state of Maine. We stayed in the downtown area of the seaport village of Belfast. Across the street from us was a brick building with the sign: “Colburn Shoes: Oldest Shoe Store in America 1832.” 187 years. Now that is a run!

Since I do a great deal of work with family businesses, I had to find out their secret sauce. So we walked over and got to know Brian Horne, the father of the present owner, Colby, who purchased it from his dad a few years back. Brian was generous in providing me with time and information.

The story is that the Colburn family originally owned and operated the store for several generations, then the Horne family bought it from them a few generations ago, but kept the name. It has been in continual operation all that time. I asked Brian the secret to this sort of amazing longevity. He said it came down to 2 things:

  1. Keeping up with the product. Brian said shoe lines and styles are always changing, and someone has to continue researching what will work in the current market.
  2. Prioritizing great customer service. The Colburn staff spends a great deal of time with their customers, both local and vacationers like us. I observed that dynamic in a couple of trips to the store. They were engaging with the shoppers, asking questions and finding out what they were interested in.

I asked about internet competition with brick and mortar establishments. Brian said, “We had some scares in the beginning of that shift. But shoes seem to be a product that requires a tangible and personal shopping experience, so we have done all right.” Barbi and I were also impressed with our own personal shopping experience, enough so that she bought a couple of pairs of shoes, and I bought my first-ever Birkenstocks. See the photo of Brian, my Birks and me.

Now, on a leadership and business level, think about the two secret sauces. The first is task-related: knowing and having the right product. The second is people-related: connecting and communicating with people. It always boils down, ultimately, to these two.

We can all learn from the Colburn story. Go visit them on your next trip to Maine!

Best,

John

People Fuel, Part 2: What We Need from Each Other

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Research shows us that the quality of our relationships is a major indicator of how our quality of life works out. Those who don’t have enough sustained and safe relationships tend to have more health, relationship, emotional and career challenges. Relationships aren’t a luxury, they are a necessity, right up there with food and shelter.

In my new book People Fuel, I outline 4 Quadrants of what I call Relational Nutrients, that we are to regularly give and receive with each other. Just like our body needs bionutrients, neuroscience shows that these Relational Nutrients help our brains stay energetic, positive and focused. Only they don’t come in capsules. They are delivered via a face-to-face conversation, phone call, video, email or text. Here are the 4 areas:

Quadrant 1: Be Present
To be present means to “be there” and be personally and emotionally engaged with another person. Presence requires a few words, if any at all. When we are stressed or encountering challenges, sometimes advice is the last thing we need. But someone who can “enter our well” of challenge, can bring great benefit. This is because our most fundamental need is to know we are not alone, but that someone “gets it” about our situation. We need
Nutrients such as Acceptance, which is connection without judgement, and Attunement, which is “tuning in” to our emotional state and understanding it.

Quadrant 2: Convey the Good
Sometimes we feel a bit discouraged or “down” from some difficult situation at home or at work. But when someone conveys that they see good character, effort and achievement in us, it helps release oxytocin, which elevates our mood. All we need in these situations is for someone to give us Affirmation that we’re doing our best, or Encouragement that they believe in us.

Quadrant 3: Provide Reality
Life can throw complex situations at us, and we don’t have a quick solution. Work can be challenging and confusing, as well as relationships. We often need the right information, data or wisdom from someone who is “for” us. The Nutrients of Perspective and Insight often provide us with a better approach to a problem, so we can solve it.

Quadrant 4: Call to Action
At the end of the day, we need to do something, not just think something. Our behavior needs to become activated, to take an action step. This is when great Advice, or a Structured plan make all the difference in seeing the changes we need to make, that will make life work better.

Those are the Quadrants, and we need to receive and give Nutrients from each Quadrant pretty much every week.

Here’s the challenge: You must own your need, and you must also ask for your need, from the right person. It doesn’t work to wait for people to read your mind and try to give you a Nutrient that you might not need. But if you ask the right people, they will most likely be happy to help you. And you can give back to them.

We need to need. It’s how the world works! To get the whole list of all 22 Nutrients, get the book or just go to RelationalNutrients.com.

Best,

John