Growth

Resilience: The Skills To Help You Bounce Back

August 7, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Have you ever noticed that some people can have a setback and shrug it off, while the same setback can pretty much “tank” another person for a very long time? Whether we’re talking about relationship challenges, financial problems, emotional issues or health problems, the difference is an ability called resilience, which I define as the capacity to adapt to a stressor, and return to normal functioning. By “normal functioning” I mean a positive mood vs depression, good energy levels vs debilitating fatigue and the ability to maintain one’s relationships and work habits. It’s encouraging to know also that resilience is not as much an inherent gift that some people have, as it is a set of learnable skills that we can all apply. Here are some keys to bouncing back:

Stay (or become) connected vulnerably to a few good people. The neuroscience research is overwhelming about this. There is no way to overestimate the power of attachments with a few people you can open up to, and be supported by. My new bestselling book People Fuel has lots of information about the skills to do this.

Become engaged in the meaningful. Stressors have a way of “owning” our time and focus. Like a dog gnawing on a bone, our brains often obsess and chew on the loss or challenge, for way too much time in our day. They can create high anxiety and fatigue. So, while you can’t make yourself completely stop thinking about the stressor, you can make sure most of your day is spent engaging and being involved in what matters to you: meaningful work, people you care about, working out, good meals and positive activities.

Move into structure. A regular and somewhat predictable daily structure is very good for you too. When New Yorkers experienced the 911 terrorist attacks, researchers found that the survivors of that tragedy did better when they returned to work soon. Knowing what time their meetings, calls and breaks were scheduled for, helped their brains regulate and establish a sense of control.

Get yourself off the hook. Guilt plays a big part in stress. We often blame ourselves 100% for something we are 2% responsible for, and we beat ourselves up day after day. While we are always supposed to take responsibility for any mistakes we have made, apologize, and change our behavior, we shouldn’t take ownership for things we haven’t done. So write down what percent of the stressor is from you, what percent is from other people, and what percent is just from living in an imperfect world. Get in balance with responsibility, and your guilt will diminish. And for the percent that is yours, experience the great gift of forgiveness and acceptance for your imperfections.

Resilience can help you pretty quickly begin feeling, thinking and acting in your normal patterns again. Best wishes.

John

The Life Team: Your Source for Health and Growth

July 8, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Most of us have lots of friends. But most of us aren’t getting the most out of our relationships, at least for what it takes to be the best person we can be, to grow and to maximize our lives. That’s where the Life Team concept comes in. This article will give you the steps to develop this powerful tool for growth.

In my just-released book People Fuel, I describe what a Life Team is. Simply put, it’s between 3-10 individuals with whom you engage on some sort of regular basis, and where the purpose is to support each others’ mutual growth. You can meet in a group, you can meet individually, or both. But the desired outcome is self-improvement in life, personal health, emotional growth, relationships, career and spiritual growth. All of what really matters!

There are 8 qualities a Life Team member needs to have, to make this all work. Here they are:

1. Shared essential values. You don’t need to have every life value be identical to yours, that can be too samey. But a basic similar lens on how you look at life.

2. Calendarized engagement in personal growth. A Life Team has a structure. “See you when I see you, bye”, in our busy world, means probably a long random time from now. But real growth requires committing to a calendar schedule and actually talking. It can just be a sharing of life’s highs and lows, a study of the Bible or a good book, or supporting and problem solving about your challenges.

3. A stance of “for” each other, with no judgment. Judgment prevents growth, it’s just that simple. When we are judged, we either retreat or push back. Nothing good happens. “For” means the Life Team members always want the best for each other, no matter what.

4. Vulnerability. We change when we are open and vulnerable about how we really are: our losses, hurts, mistakes and shame. To be fully optimized, we must be fully loved. And to be fully loved, we must be fully known.

5. Truthfulness. Members don’t avoid the hard conversations. They don’t let each other make costly mistakes in life, relationships, family or business without giving each other caring but direct feedback.

6. Mutuality. Everyone’s in this together. You’re all growing, and all vulnerable. It’s not about one person constantly bringing their problems to others for help. That’s more of being a service to that person. Instead, it’s a shifting and mutual arrangement of needs and support, back and forth, for each other.

7. Chemistry. The intangible. You have to feel some sort of “liking” for Life Team members. If the chemistry isn’t there, you begin to dread the conversations as a “well, it’s good for me”, instead of a “I can’t wait to have lunch with her.”

8. Availability. The members need to be around enough to make a difference. To do enough good to make the effort worth it, I recommend a minimum of at least one meaningful conversation a month. Life just gets better with a Life Team. For more information, read People Fuel, and best to
you.

John

Relational Nutrients: What You Need from Others, and What You Can Provide to Others

June 28, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend

We all need energy and clarity, for our families and our work. We know that the right nutrition, sleep, workouts and a positive attitude are part of the equation for energy and clarity. However, neuroscience research now shows that the quality of our relationships plays a major part in this as well.

This article will show you what great things you need from others, and what you can also provide to others. In my just-released book People Fuel (https://www.amazon.com/People-Fuel-Fill-Your Leadership/dp/0310346592/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0_encoding=UTF8&qid=1561127089&sr=8-2), I use the parallel of how our bodies need bionutrients, such as vitamins and minerals, to stay healthy and active. If you don’t have enough calcium, for example, you risk osteoporosis. If you lack sufficient iron, you can become anemic.

In the same way, I use the term relational nutrients to describe how we keep each other energetic, clear and vital via what we provide to each other. However, instead of taking a supplement capsule, the nutrients are delivered from brain-to-brain by meaningful conversations: face to face, phone, text and videos.

If we don’t intake the necessary relational nutrients, and at the right times, we can lose energy, have mood problems and not be as effective and productive as we could be. There are 22 nutrients, grouped into 4 Quadrants, which makes it simple to understand and use. Here are the Quadrants:

Quadrant 1: Be Present. Sometimes we just need someone to “be there” for us, and with us, when we are having a challenge. Being present means that the person is interested, engaged, listening well and tuned in to our emotional state. If you’ve ever been overwhelmed and upset, and have someone give you lots of advice instead of just “being there” with you, you know what this means.

Quadrant 2: Convey the Good. When we’ve had a struggle or a failure, it’s easy for us to become discouraged or “out of gas.” The relational nutrients in this Quadrant provide encouragement, respect and affirmation for us.

Quadrant 3: Provide Reality. If you’ve ever had a complicated relationship or work problem, you know how much you need insight, perspective or feedback from another. Those conversations which get to the “Why” of our challenge are enlightening and clarifying for us.

Quadrant 4: Call to Action. Sometimes we need someone to help us get off our butts and take some practical step! That might mean advice to make a plan, or have a conversation we’ve been avoiding, or take a needed risk.

You can download a free digital table of the 22 relational nutrients in the 4
Quadrants, by simply going to relationalnutrients.com and accessing it. Or you can print a hard copy for yourself, whichever works for you.
The right nutrients from others, and to others, may be the missing piece for you.

Best,

John

My Epiphany – By Craig Kautsch

June 14, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

I remember it vividly. I was 31 years old and the retail business that I built from the ground up just failed. I had a custom house in the country on 8 acres, two kids on the ground and a stay at home wife. All the work, all the effort, all the dreams….gone. I built the retail empire throughout my 20s to millions in sales and three locations. I donned the cover of the local business publications as the up and comer entrepreneur. I thought I was the cat’s a#%…right up until I wasn’t.

I began weeping uncontrollably driving into town to close the last store. I pulled off the highway because I couldn’t see or breathe. Facing the heaviness and embarrassment of 1.7 million in bad debt was more weight than I could handle. I knew this was an inflection point for me. I wiped the tears from my eyes and got back on the highway. I grit my teeth and clenched my fists for the next 8 years to pay it all off through my new real estate investment company.

But I was still afraid for some reason.

Once I could see more clearly and was no longer in survival mode, I noticed some of the same patterns showing up that caused the first failure. I couldn’t pinpoint the underlying reasons but I could clearly see some of the behaviors and outcomes that seemed chillingly familiar. My epiphany? There was one common denominator in both scenarios…ME!

My desire was to avoid the same path to destruction and I was sensing familiar patterns. Patterns of isolation, imbalance, frustration, and an inability to see and embrace reality. I knew I couldn’t solve this on my own because I’ve been down that path.

What did I do about it? I joined a TLP group! I learned of TLP through one of my best friends and saw significant changes in him. He was course correcting and going in a new direction, a better direction, the direction I wanted. If it was working for him why couldn’t it work for me?

TLP helped me discover three things that changed my life and business forever.

1. How to recognize my blind spots and work on them in a safe environment.

1. How to the get the people fuel I need to consistently operate at my highest level

How to truly connect which has made me a magnetic leader that people are eager to follow.

Fast forward 4 years and my level of growth is exploding through the TLP experience. Transitioning from being in a TLP group to being a TLP director has had a significant impact on me. Having almost 80 employees keeps me very busy but my passion project of facilitating a TLP group has been a key part of my growth.

Nothing makes me more excited than to watch isolated leaders begin to see the light. Walking alongside them while their capacity to execute on their vision expands. Witnessing their entire organization and family life go to new places because they were able to unlock their potential is exhilarating! It feels like a rebirth for the second half of my life and a launchpad to lead leaders. The TLP experience has both immediate and eternal upside!

Craig Kautsch

TLP Director

Corrected Vision – by Dale Bacon

March 21, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

My grandfather had challenges with his vision. By the time he was in his early nineties (he lived to be 100), cataracts had formed on his eyes to the point that he could hardly see. He needed a HUGE magnifying glass to read the newspaper. His doctor encouraged him to get eye surgery to correct his vision. The day after the procedure, I observed him sitting at the kitchen table reading the smallest print he could find: the phone book.

Up until a few years ago, my father had challenges with his vision. From my earliest memory, I had never seen my father without his glasses. His doctor encouraged him to get laser surgery and today, when I see my dad, I see a different person than I did for most of my life. He doesn’t wear glasses anymore. His vision has been corrected.

Sometimes leaders have challenges with their “people vision.” Instead of seeing people as God sees them, we can start seeing people as immature, problematic, and frustrating. And we can be tempted to try to “fix” them with a one-size-fits-all solution.

The truth is, God has created each person unique. We cannot approach our employees or team with a one-size-fits-all solution because one size simply won’t fit. Accepting the truth that each person is unique is the first step to correcting your “people vision.”

The next step is to accept that God has placed them in your care. You are their guide. You are their encourager. You are their leader.

People can feel taxing. But God doesn’t look at them that way. He looks at them for what He has planned for them (life and growth). And He’s asking you to see them the same way.

Lead Well.

Dale Bacon

TLP Director

How to Overcome Rejection

March 11, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Rejection. The word itself can make us wince. It brings up marriage and dating failures, job problems, and friendship and family snafus. Simply defined as “dismissing”, rejection is the act of turning away from someone or something. Actually, rejection is not a bad thing, we do it all the time. We reject one menu entrée for another at dinner, and we reject one Netflix show for another. But when we are rejected in a personal relationship, it can be very painful and derailing. Oh yeah, and 100% of us have been rejected at some time or another in our lives. So it is a normal human experience. So here are some tips to help you overcome it. You can’t overcome the reality of rejection. People have the freedom to reject us, and we do as well. But you can do something about the emotional disruptiveness that occurs.

Be honest about the feeling. Just say or write down, “X has rejected me. He is no longer in my life, and I feel unlikeable, cut off, unimportant, not valuable”, whatever. That’s just the reality of how you feel. Neuroscience research tells us that when we don’t face a negative, we can’t fix it. So bite the bullet and be clear about the feeling.

Parcel out the causes. There are very few cases where rejection is 100% the other person, though they do exist. So take a hard look at the relationship. What was the other person’s responsibility? Maybe they were critical, judging, dishonest or perfectionistic person. That’s bad! But go beyond that, to what your part was: perhaps you chose to overlook issues instead of addressing them, didn’t respect yourself, or didn’t admit your own flaws. That needs to be recognized. And then get to work on whatever was the beam in your own eye. That will also help decrease the pain of the rejection.

Bring to mind the “rest of” yourself. Sure, you were rejected. But that doesn’t mean that you’re a worthless person at all. Remember that you are also a pretty decent and kind person as well. Don’t get lost in the “I’m totally unlovable” thinking pattern, it will get you nowhere.

Replace the one who left. No one should be alone. Make sure you have other people in your life who “get” you, who are good listeners and who believe in you. The more you are isolated after a rejection, the more powerful the rejection. And if we’re talking dating or marriage, don’t rebound. I know it feels great. But the statistics say that if you use romantic attachment as a self-soother, you are very likely to be in the same position a few months down the line. Get with non-romantic, deep, faithful friends before you venture out into romance again.

Here is a goal: get so balanced and healthy that the next time you are rejected you’ll say, “Ouch, that’s sad. Oh well, I’ll call some friends and learn from it and have a great dinner.” Well, it won’t be that easy, but it will be better!